I hate filler too

Today was a fine day at work, 9-6pm, my call time has improved again, the only evemnt of note was that a “town hall” meeting took place, just a bunch of staff and management watching a PowerPoint, the quirk was that it was held in a bar, the grimy kind based in a cellar with no lights and little furniture. Not anywhere for me to sit so I stood by the door for a while before realising that was a bad idea so I awkwardly moved along the bar counter, about half an hour in I felt faint, don’t know if it was the oxygen supply, standing or the red lights, I had to leave, I began walking back to the office before realising all I needed was fresh air and a walk. I returned to watch the end of the dull show and then returned with the other staff.

Did nothing else of note, ate sufficiently.

I need to find skinny jeans that fit me, size 30 men’s are too tight around the waise, size 30 womens are too loose. It’s tricky because there are so many varieties, might just buy a cheap pair from Primark a size down and work from there.

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6 thoughts on “I hate filler too

  1. I never had a large circle of friends. At university, in particular, I was a very solitary person. Like you, I didn’t know how to carry a conversation and I inadvertantly said strange / extreme / inappropriate things that made ‘normies’ feel ill at ease. Also, I found few people interesting so my interactions were usually forced and unnatural. Like you, I didn’t really want company but at the same time the sense of being ‘shunned’ from society bothered me.

    This isolation, combined with my identity crisis / extreme self-inspection, created a ‘me and them’ mindset. I felt different to everyone else, both in a good way but in a negative way too.

    Since then, my social skills have improved a lot. I can still come across as reserved or stand-offish but I’m comfortable with women and have no problem talking publicly or conversing with strangers. I don’t have many friends (most people still bore me), but when I do find someone interesting I enjoy talking with them and will invest time in a friendship

    I wanted to share a couple of things that helped me along the way. I don’t think any of them are a ‘silver bullet’ for your problems but to the extent that some of our experiences are similar they may be of some use.

    1. Zoloft. I resisted taking it for years because I saw it as a cop out. But it actually has worked for me. I use 100mg. I must take it regularly (not missing a day) for 6 weeks before I notice improvement. It calms my nerves / anxieties, makes it easy to look people in the eye, speak in a measured voice etc
    2. Magnesium supplements. Get something with high bioavailability (not oxide). This is great for the nerves and general state of mind
    3. I seek people out who I find interesting and am comfortable with. If I don’t find them interesting I generally wont waste my time with them. This can mean I have a small circle of friends and acquaintances. That’s Ok.
    4. If I’m stuck for words I use a ‘feedback sandwich’ – good / bad / good. E.g. Question: ‘Do you like Ed Sheeran?’ Response: ‘I enjoy listening to his music on the radio sometimes. I’d never buy a CD but his music is OK. I appreciate his talent, etc’
    5. Stand my ground. If someone at work (or anyone really) stares at me intently, and tries to dominate me with body language or an authoritative voice (people play power games), I assert myself firmly and politely. Hold their eye contact. Refuse to laugh at their shit and brush aside their nonsense. They inevitably scurry away.

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    • Thanks for sharing. Reading this reminds me in I’m not a freak.

      Zoloft is Sertaline, I was prescribed it back in September 2015 but as I was arrested right afterwards I didn’t feel like taking it, tried for a bit recently since I kept the pills but I wasn’t going outside so the only effect I noticed was how it was easier to get up in the morning. I’ll start taking again today since it worked for you, worried about my liver though.

      I’ll search for Magnesium during my lunch break

      Regarding interesting people, the problem I see is that the people I find interesting don’t find me interesting, that’s something I need to work on, learn to appreciate those who show kindness to me

      Can’t do #5
      #4 is tricky due to the lack of interests and opinions I have

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  2. Do you feel like you’ve learned a lesson from all your dealings with the police, or do you still see yourself as a victim?

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  3. poley boy tell me something did you ever had friends??? like in school, college or university and if you ever have friends where are they now? why don’t you talk to them or make some new friends it will be a good idea so you can share your thought with some. or why not try some dating sites don’t you think its time now to have some new experience

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    • In nursery there was one kid I was obsessed with for no reason in particular, we were kinda friends

      In primary school I had no friends for the most part, I’d walk around during playtime/lunch, I didn’t like playing football or running around
      Towards the last couple of years there were some kids I’d joke with in class, I’d call them friends
      For the most part in primary school the kids I’d socialise with were practically bullies, they’d trick me out of my stuff (cards, marbles, pogs I got for my birthday etc), I was too thick to see it
      The only time anyone paid attention to me was when I had something they wanted or I did what they wanted (fight someone)

      Highschool was better, some kid befriended me and that led to more friends, I had a social group
      Had a cousin who was the same age, brought him in too
      Never socialised with any of them outside school
      Except the cousin, we played Yugioh

      Sixth Form was when it went straight downhill
      I was friendless
      My cousin abandoned me for new friends, I remember waiting after class once since we were supposed to catch the bus together but he ditched me
      I just didn’t know how to make friends and I was too afraid to act when others expressed a desire to become friends. I didn’t even try. Maybe because sixth form was out of the paki ghetto I had lived my life.

      I tried for a few days at uni but didn’t have the skills so gave up and continued to actively avoid people

      My two friends from high school ignored my friend request and the other is just a typical paki bully borderline rapist. The cousin has moved town to another paki ghetto with a white pig, he’s a complete poser.

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