Filthy Freak

I was late to work but only by a minute, it wasn’t an issue though as I notified work ahead of time. The day only got worse from there as I had a severe runny nose, I had to go to the bathroom for more tissue every half and hour as what I had became soaked through quickly. The worst part though was humiliating myself in front of the trans girl (who now for some reason shifted a seat closer to me) and my other coworkers. Apart from my voice being affected, I sneezed on some calls, made ugly faces when blowing my nose and worst of all, snot dribbled straight out of my nose onto the floor/desk when I was too busy to wipe. I’m not sure what other disgusting things I was caught doing.

Posting on 4chan with my phone makes the days less lonely when at and travelling to/from work.

Feeling down about my facial hair again.

Had an argument with my sister when she reset the internet when I was in the middle of a good Hearthstone game.

Hate you all

I had to work today, it was busy but ultimately not too bad. My new phone arrived yesterday so I took it to work with me and played Hearthstone during break, I fell from rank 2 to rank 4, looks like Legend isn’t on the cards this month.

My brother visited, didn’t talk outside of the one argument, I had an argument with every member of my family at some point today. My brother called me a waster, my sister said I wasn’t a man, a boy and she had no idea what I was, I called my father a paki monkey and told my mother to show more respect to her husband.

Got a letter from my solicitor, they’ve received statements from the police and a “CCTV DVD”, no idea what that means given the nature of the Crimea, I think it’s a recording of the police browsing the thread and blog on a specific date. Mum and sister were pressuring me to reveal the contents of the letter, I declined, sister threatened to reveal my gender dysphoria but ultimately didn’t.

Screwing up in new ways

In the morning, a guy at work was complaining someone “stole” his headset, it was me, I kindly offered it back to him, saying I didn’t give a fuck. The guy is nice and I really didn’t care too much, I was just showing some sympathy for an individual on the 12-8 shift. The day went fine until the end when I clocked out an hour early, I forgot I was doing a 9-6 shift today, not sure what to expect and when. I’m feeling mild anxiety over this. My possibly trans colleague came to work today wearing a top that was obviously made for women, I made some awkward eye contact with him in the morning when I spotted him, guess he was self conscious, I hope I didn’t get him down too much. The reason he throws me so much is because his dress style is gothic.

On the way back home, I received a call, this was just after 6pm, I expected it to be work but it was actually the doctor from yesterday. He said that he wanted to follow-up yesterdays appointment, asked if I am getting the help I need or if I need to book a another appointment. I then spoke, think I cut him off, I can’t read conversations so I don’t know if he was done or waiting for me to respond, regardless I told him I was OK and thanked him for calling. I then moved the phone from my ear to hangup, I don’t know if he was speaking.

Had more arguments with my mum about pakis.

Wages came in, it’s pointless though if I don’t have a goal.

Rank 2 on Hearthstone. Might make legend.

Why won’t anyone help me?

I woke up early today because of my GP appointment, enough time for a shower, shave and to pick out an outfit, went with black slim jeans and a black/white baseball top. It was freezing outside, I reached the surgery with around 10 minutes to spare. The doctor called me in on time, he was an older, skinny man. I sat down and looked at a wall, unable to make eye contact.

I opened the discussion, said exactly what I wanted, some way to check if I was permanently infertile. He read my notes and asked why/how I messed up, I just said that transitioning wasn’t a viable option and then somehow he got me to say I was suicidal and that I’m comfortable with killing myself. The conversation then shifted to depression, just like every other discussion with a doctor, I denied I was depressed, we were then interrupted by a phone call, another doctor was asking for advice from what I could gather. We spoke some more and then he gave me that standard depression quiz, I was then sent out of the room to complete the form while he hopped back on the phone.

While filling the quiz, I considered leaving as I had no interest in discussing depression but ultimately I stayed. When I was called back, he tallied up my score and mentioned Sertaline and asked about my life. I told him I struggled to take Sertaline consistently since I was so up and down, when taking about my job I forgot to mention how other peoples existence agitates me. I brought up my original issue again, asking about my fertility, he said that a sperm test could be taken but I’d have to stop taking the drugs, he laughed at me, remarked I’m certainly not fertile while using them. I insisted I’d continue using them.

Back on the topic of depression, I said I didn’t believe in it, that it’s a matter of circumstances, people aren’t just down for no reason, drugs would only delude me into being content and do nothing to change my horrid life. The doctor then started a mini speech, saying that he wanted me to be comfortable in my own skin and some “be yourself” bullshit, I was close to tears, the line that got me was his finale, when he asked how I wanted him to help me, I got up and left, he said he he just wanted to help, I responded weakly but sarcastically, thanking him for the advice, saying it was useful. As I was leaving he tried again, asking me to come back. Once I left the building I did cry.

I don’t know what help I need, just that that’s what I need help.

I ate exceptionally poorly the rest of the day as I was upset over the encounter.

Watched some Orange is the New Black.

I guess I fucked up not accepting shift swaps from co-workers since I need one now.

I feel as if I’m mentally around 17 due to my growth being stunted and possibly even regressing during my time at sixth form and university, only now at my job am I developing into a functional/normal human being.

Can’t even think of one

Travelling to work, I stat next to a big guy watching UFC on his tablet, I read a newspaper.

I felt stupid at work today, asked questions to which I should have known the answer to considering I’ve worked here for 2 months now as a CS agent. I felt like hitting myself and I did mutter insults to myself. My holiday requests for my court case were denied, I guess I’ll just have to pull a Sicky. Admitting my circumstances can not end well. A guy at work called me by name, as usual, I liked that I was acknowledged.

On the way back home I played Smash on 3DS.

At home, a cousin visited and we played 2 games of VS System. It was fun, the curious thing though is my sister has won all 3 of the games played. Possibly because she is using the stronger deck.

Day off work tomorrow, got my GP appointment, not sure what I’m going to say, guess I’ll ask if it can be determined if I’m irreversibly infertile and maybe look into the anemia thing.

1 of 3 pakis in 1 million

Travelling to work, as usual, I noticed all the pakis had similar haircuts (shorts on the sides) and beards, I felt special.

There were few people at work today, to start with I was surrounded by 4 women, this was a different setup than usual but they all eventually moved away due to computers apparently not working for them. I didn’t mess up at work today or ask for much help, feels good. The girl who did sit next to me later in the day kept speaking to the guy sitting on the other side of me, felt awkward, she was asking if it was weird to go on a second date to a zoo. Some other colleagues couldn’t find computers that worked in their usual spots so had to move, I enjoyed that, especially when the expressed their frustrations.

Out of my original training group of 11 people, only 4 remain, 3 of the 4 including myself are pakis, though female. I guess the people who left were so friendly for their own sakes as well as my own, they found the environment intimidating and needed friends. I should learn from this and make more of an effort next time. Not sure how I feel about the paki count since the total number of paki staff is low.

My dad has fucked up the house and at massive cost, he’s an idiot, thinks it’s worth it. He concreted over the flower beds in our old house and the current one and now he’s destroyed walls, stairs and made minor additions at massive cost, that’s the worst part, the huge, ridiculous cost, it’s clearly nowhere near worth it. My mum claims she heard him say he was planning to foster kids to get cash from the government, my mother brought it up when we were all in the room, she’s a coward.

I tried calling the mental health service I am with, their systems are apparently down for the rest of the week and they can’t confirm I’m on the waiting list.

Still waiting for my phone to arrive.

I thought about confessing my dysphoria to my family but ultimately decided it pointless to speed up the process if not under immediate duress.

mtf or ftm?

There were very few people in at work today, strange for a Monday, I assume more of my colleagues were students than I thought and now they’re all taking time off to study. Due to the reduced population of worker bees I thought it necessary for me to sit at the “main” table, there were less than 10 of us. Like a cuck, I attempted to carry conversations when spoken to. It was unsuccessful for me. Learned today that someone I work with has criminals in the family and lives in the next town over.

Good day, didn’t fuck up much or ask for much help.

Still trying to figure out the tranny, no idea if it’s mtf or ftm but it’s definitely one or the other unless the breasts are just padding but why wouldn’t it have started laser yet. Saw it speaking to a female this time, again just about work, further confusing things.

My sister threatened to expose my admission of having gender dysphoria unless I chased up the progress of my therapy, I was told if I wouldn’t speak to someone else, I’d have to speak to my family and she had a conversation starter. My family think I’m genuinely insane and need meds+therapy. The arguments today became quite heated, my mother quizzed me again on my hatred of pakis, claiming I am one too and that I sound ridiculous, in response, a few minutes later when she was talking about an upcoming wedding, I asked how many people attended hers (flew out to pakiland, arranged/forced marriage and raped, on the same trip as her two sisters). There were no hard feelings at the end of the day.

I actually player VS System with one of my sisters yesterday, we had a good time and she wants to play again.

Mum bought me Lucozade. Ate poorly when I got home, it was the biscuits left on the table that did it.