Only at work for 6 hours today, it was quieter than normal, long periods without a call at the end of the day. The day was ruined however at the end, the trans/lesbian quit, she sent and email around to everyone saying goodbye and that she’ll be at a local pub/bar after work. She dawdled a little, saying goodbyes in person, I left just ahead of her, made awkward eye contact once more and she slowly followed in my wake with her friends or perhaps I should say former friends.
This event upset me greatly, it’s not some that I regret never having spoken to her or that I won’t forget her anytime soon and I possibly never entered her thought stream. What is chewing me up inside now is as similar feeling to when my Polish roommate left, that she’s gone, leaving my story and continuing her own. It makes me feel as if I’m not the main character, I’m powerless to control my story/life and that my story is irrelevant. I didn’t want her to leave, I wanted her to remain a background character in my life and she left without my permission, what I wanted didn’t matter at all and there was nothing I could do to affect things in any way whatsoever. I know it’s repetitive but this is my story, only I should be allowed to initiate changes or they should involve me, getting arrested, fired, quitting, moving, these are all events that result in change but I’m the centre.
What’s the point in living if I can’t control my life and live the way I want to? Control and customisation are the whole point of living, if I can’t do that then I’ll just live an existence of suffering and might as well just end it all.
On the way home, an old woman starting walking towards me on the pavement instead of around me so I continued to walk straight at her and strongly shoulder shoved her. It felt good to let off some steam but I later regretted it after I realised she had a walking stick and so couldn’t have gone around me due to limited pavement space. I still feel bad, this guilt is perhaps overwhelming the pain from earlier.
Binge ate at home, chocolate.
Can’t bust rank 3 on Hearthstone.
Had an argument with my sisters, they watch two episodes of The Goldberg’s every day, there aren’t even that many episode, if I’m noticing repeats then they must have seen every episode by now too. I had a go at my dad too, there was some issue with picking up my sisters car from the garage, he wanted my mum to drive him, she said no and some flimsy thing about feeling unwell, I told her to stop be so spineless and I told him that “no” means “no” and to get out, he slammed doors. The paki builders he hired massively fucked up and wrecked a large amount of our upstairs hallway, we’ll need new carpet and wallpaper.