1 of 3 pakis in 1 million

Travelling to work, as usual, I noticed all the pakis had similar haircuts (shorts on the sides) and beards, I felt special.

There were few people at work today, to start with I was surrounded by 4 women, this was a different setup than usual but they all eventually moved away due to computers apparently not working for them. I didn’t mess up at work today or ask for much help, feels good. The girl who did sit next to me later in the day kept speaking to the guy sitting on the other side of me, felt awkward, she was asking if it was weird to go on a second date to a zoo. Some other colleagues couldn’t find computers that worked in their usual spots so had to move, I enjoyed that, especially when the expressed their frustrations.

Out of my original training group of 11 people, only 4 remain, 3 of the 4 including myself are pakis, though female. I guess the people who left were so friendly for their own sakes as well as my own, they found the environment intimidating and needed friends. I should learn from this and make more of an effort next time. Not sure how I feel about the paki count since the total number of paki staff is low.

My dad has fucked up the house and at massive cost, he’s an idiot, thinks it’s worth it. He concreted over the flower beds in our old house and the current one and now he’s destroyed walls, stairs and made minor additions at massive cost, that’s the worst part, the huge, ridiculous cost, it’s clearly nowhere near worth it. My mum claims she heard him say he was planning to foster kids to get cash from the government, my mother brought it up when we were all in the room, she’s a coward.

I tried calling the mental health service I am with, their systems are apparently down for the rest of the week and they can’t confirm I’m on the waiting list.

Still waiting for my phone to arrive.

I thought about confessing my dysphoria to my family but ultimately decided it pointless to speed up the process if not under immediate duress.


5 thoughts on “1 of 3 pakis in 1 million

  1. Don’t think of it as “confessing” (ie acknowledging blame), instead try to explain it as confusion about your self identity eg. “Mum, I know Im ethically Pakistani but I dont feel ethnically Pakistani. I know Im biologically male but I don’t identify as male … at this point in my life I just want to be me and these socially constructed labels aren’t helping me do that, etc”


    • Depends, lot of variety within the races

      I’d like to be a black one who was integrated and not familiar with their ethnic cultural background at all. Also no overly unique facial features.


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