I played Digimon for 6 hours again and had an argument with my sister when she wanted me to get off.the
My counselling appointment was at 1pm so I was well rested at the time, I quickly filled out the depression questionnaire for the third time. I arrived perhaps a minute late, my counsellor was standing in the waiting room and guessed my identity, he was an old, slightly chubby, non-intimidating individual. I apologised for being late. We went into a boring room, we sat down, I looked away during the whole appointment, he noted that, I just said that I used to try to look above/around peoples eyes but I gave up a few years ago.
The first thing he asked was what I wanted to be called,I first said my name then I told him not to use a name at all.
I told him I didn’t want to talk about gender dysphoria after he brought it up, I wanted to discuss it back in October but now I’m comfortable with my decision and that I like changes HRT brought about, I described the changes, I was smiling until I brought up my facial hair and he mentioned nature and some things being unchangeable.
I was clear that I didn’t want to be there, I’m just here so I can get my antidepressants. He wanted to talk about my time at uni, I skimmed over it because I know his opinion would be different to mine and it would take ages to go over in detail. I talked about loneliness, not being able to communicate or make friends, committing to commit suicide by 30, hating everyone around me for being normal.
The only remarkable moment was when I vocalised hating my mum for not doing anything about being raped and just hating my father for being a bully and giving me dark skin and a bad hairline, hating myself because if they’re scum, so am I. I was close to tears when saying this stuff out loud finally.
At the end he explained what I could get from counselling and if I wanted to continue, I said I may as well, I hope he can help me see things differently but I doubt it. He talked a bit about my perceptions being different to others, I said that someone still has to be right or wrong in their views. I’m booked for a 50 minute session, every week for the next 5 weeks.
I’m underwhelmed with counselling, I don’t see the point.