Breaking

At work today I was a cunt to 3 different customers. I’ll get away with two of them but the third will complain, I was condescending and impatient with all of them. One was dyslexic, I essentially accused her of being an idiot, I was correct and able to prove it by the end of the call. The next one was a foreigner, French, I think, I showed shades of racisms towards the end, she won’t complain. The last one was just a refused refund and the two cretins on the other end of the phone couldn’t understand or accept why they weren’t entitled to shit. They took my name and were super wound-up.

On the train back home, the two tall guys sat near me but I had nothing to say. I felt a bit better about being short when I noticed one of them couldn’t fit their legs in the seating area, he had to swivel into the aisle. I felt a bit sick when looking at the tall guy and thinking he had a daughter,I don’t mean that in a cruel way, I just felt upset and unwell. Bald muscular white guy next to me commented on how the train conductor didn’t check his train ticket closely enough to see it was a bus pass.

At home I played Digimon for 3 hours or so, not far from the platinum trophy now, should just take another 3 hours. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to complete it tomorrow.

A pair of my sisters jeans were left on my bed, I thought it was possible that they were left there intentionally as a reference to last week when my sister joked I couldn’t fit into her jeans, we were talking about weight. So naturally I put them on as I could pass it off as humorous, they were size 10 and from Next. My mum was the first to see me, she didn’t notice anything until I pointed it out, she was cruel, said I looked like a “wuss” and threatened me if I ever wore anything like that again. My sister just remarked “what the fuck”, she thought those jeans were mine, that’s why she left them on my bed.

Guess I’m not going to find any support here if I do ever come out as trans.

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5 thoughts on “Breaking

  1. “…If I do ever come out as trans…”

    So now its “if” not “when”. You set yourself a target of coming out by your b’day. Obviously you missed that date. Now it looks like the big reveal is on the back burner indefinitely.

    Your mother and sisters already know you’re gender queer. But you’re terrified of discussing it with them openly. Why? Or is it your father you fear? Does he still hold such power over you?

    Aren’t you tired of living a lie? Don’t you want change in your life? This is the big lever you can pull to change everything. What are you waiting for? Serious question – what?

    Like

    • My mum and sister won’t accept I’m trans, I thought I would have their support but I was wrong.

      If I come out, I will be completely alone, there will be no safe space.

      I just want someone or something to let me know it’s going to be OK, I’m not scared, I just don’t want to be even more miserable than I am now

      Like

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