Unending worry

Over the last two days I have continued to over eat. Yesterday I delayed planning for my assessment centre and started watching JoJo (part IV), I enjoy it. My one trip outside was to the local Cash & Carry, the place is vile, clearly a corrupt council allowing it to continue to exist, such a sight does not belong in this country. When paying for the yoghurt I cam for, I watched an Eastern European woman with her kids and friend arguing an older paki male who presumably owned the place, she was demanding money, he humoured her, she mocked him, he told her to essentially fuck off, she started begging. That’s how I saw it anyway, neither of them had a perfect grasp of the English language.

The following day I succeeding in booking my travel and accommodation for my assessment centre on Thursday. This was at night though, my first action of the day was waking sinfully early to attend the probation office where I was greeting by four pakis chimping out, their issue seemed to be related to the unpaid hours they’ve worked. They were incredibly childish and small, I was embarrassed by simply being aware of their existence. My case worker collected me after the receptionist failed to notify her of my arrival.

The discussion was short, I’m getting a volunteer mentor whether I like it or not. it appears it’s going to be a woman, it’s a new scheme so there’s literally just the one mentor. Gender doesn’t really matter, so I have no further opinion on this, I just hope that I’m understood, dreading the initial meeting with her though.

After this I ran some errands in relation to my upcoming assessment centre and interview, had to take some photos and print a bank statement. The photos depressed me, I still look like a monster, my reflection is a lie. Might do some prep for the actual thing tomorrow. Bit worried that I need to check-out of the hotel early.

Much later on I went to the cinema with my sisters, watched the new Avengers, I enjoyed the film, nothing to get offended about.


Battles on all fronts

On the train to work, a young paki female sat next to me, she also squeezed her small suitcase into the seating area, part of it was still poking out into the aisle though. Once the conductor came around, I asked her do something about it. Luggage should be on the luggage racks not obstructing the aisles. She muttered “should have said something”, I didn’t reply and watched her as she was escorted away. I believe she spent the remainder of the journey standing in the vestibule area. Highly satisfying, I believe in fairness and that means the rules being applied to all equally.

I have the entirety of next week booked off so I was on auto-pilot today. I didn’t put any effort into anything since none of it matter to me, not the work or the interactions with others. I checked up on what the new team members were doing and as expected, they cherry-picked the easy stuff, not even stuff from the queues they were supposed to be working on – I screwed with them a little and I’ll do it again.

There will soon be 8 more people on the team, double the current size. The existing team members have all already become salaried or are applying for new internal positions, the female who started after me (not Stacy) is applying to the job I went for last month (another 2 vacancies have come up). This is infuriating since she’s presumably going to have an easier time of since “the best” people were already selected during my assessment and with the new mass hiring on the emails team, she won’t be held back like I was.

Quirky guy is going for a job too. I’ve been made to feel worthless hence my lack of applications, I wonder if anyone other than the quirky guy noticed. People have been asking about my upcoming interview and assessment centre though, including one nice co-worker before our shifts started, I made excuses and departed the conversation 2 minutes earlier than I should, I felt the conversation drying/looping.

I’ll surely be quitting within a month, there’s no advancement for me and I deserve better.

A guy made conversation with me while waiting for me to search for something, he brought up God of War, this conversation ended sooner than I would have liked but we were on the same page with our opinions, love the series and sceptical about the changes.

On the train home I saw a guy playing Hearthstone, I sat away from him.

At home I ate junk food. While in my bedroom, playing Hearthstone and posting my blog, my sister burst into my bedroom and demanded in clean the shower as part of a rota in a calm tone. I refused, I pointed out that she never cleaned the first bathroom we had despite my attempts back then and that if she had such a problem with cleaning it then she should just stop. Earlier on she had also been shouting at our youngest sisters. My mum had finally heard enough and told her to back off and that this was her house. During the exchange, my sister got the impression that she wasn’t wanted and said that she’d leave, I think she has actually packed some stuff and driven off. She seemed hurt but she was the instigator here.

Nothing to say

In the morning some colleagues were talking about it being too warm, I jumped in by stating it was not warm enough. People turned to look at me and responded but I had nothing further to say. Later on I heard the social media team talking about a customer I was handling, I told them what I was doing, they made comments about the idiocy of the customer but I had nothing further to say.

I swapped shifts with the woman sitting next to me, my early shift for her late on 11th May. I said I didn’t care but afterwards I realised that she was one of the people who didn’t accept my request to swap shifts last week. But I guess it doesn’t matter, I prefer working late shifts. Had an awkward exchange with my manager when she pointed out I booked half a day off on that day.

There’s an initiative going at work, for every 7 email above target, you get a raffle ticket and entered into a draw to win a tablet. I’m hoping to win and say that I don’t want it, it should go to someone more deserving. People like modesty and consideration for others feelings.

At home I watched DragonBall Super and mildly overate again. Past episode 100 and it’s dragging, just waiting for the big stuff to happen.

Setting up for the fall

The woman sitting next to me engaged me in conversation a few times, firstly just to ask about my upcoming interview and assessment centre, I didn’t have anything meaningful to share, just reminded her of the dates and locations. She also commented on me cutting my lunch short, I told her there wasn’t enough space for me in the break room when I got back to the office building, she found that mildly amusing. When asked what I did during my day off, I said I watched anime for 12 hours.

I heard my manager praise my new enemy, it’s shocking, considering how badly I was treated for making far fewer errors and continuously closing a greater number of emails over a longer period time. Hopefully, the news of all his errors will reach her eventually and the halo will shatter.

Ate a tuna baguette and drank coke zero for lunch. Not even finishing my breakfast porridge anymore so that can’t be more than 200 calories. At home I binged while watching DragonBall Super, at episode 90 now so I should be done soon.

There is no interaction with my sisters and there hasn’t been for a while now. We’re all probably better off for it.

Why do I even want to live?

I spend most of my time immobile, 12 hours on my bed watching DragonBall Super (spoiled the conclusion of the final arc a bit). Played Xenoverse 2 for an hour. Neither is really engaging me much right now but there aren’t any alternatives. I only got up to get food or cans of Coke Zero, my heart hurts now and I overate due to both my mother and father pushing meals onto me.

Downloaded JoJo part 4 for when I need something else to move onto.

My interview got pushed back. It’s a more convenient date.

No other thoughts in my head or events.

Internal opportunities for all (except me)

Argued with my sister regarding the shower again, she kept turning the water off while I was in there.

At work, there were only two other people on the early shift. My new enemy got the “urgent” queue (the easiest), the woman sitting next to me got the “new” queue (the one I fought for) and I got this awkward one that I don’t do often, I wasn’t unhappy with it but my manger thought it best to explain her reasoning. She must think I’m a child. I did end up asking a few thought provoking questions throughout the day and I completely destroyed the queue I was working on, did a better job than anyone else, hope I get some sort of praise for that.

It doesn’t seem like my new enemy had felt the repercussion of all the errors I’ve reported him for yet.

I’m feeling bitter that the female who sits next to the quirky guy is applying for the job I applied to last month (another two vacancies have come up), the woman sitting next to me should get the better, salaried one. Quirky guys friend arranged a sit down with the woman sitting diagonally opposite me to learn about her role, arranged it with the head of that team, clearly another fix, I’ll quit if she gets it.

Had a short conversation about varieties of Coke.

At home I spent 3 hours watching DragonBall Super, updating my MAL and posting. Mum bought a takeaway and I couldn’t resist.

No power

No blog post last night since there was blackout throughout my street. Ended up going to sleep early as a result. The day was mostly uneventful, apart from at work where I had to sit at a different desk since there were renovations going on, I sat next to an older new guy, really new, I helped him during every other call he had, it felt great being useful and appreciated. I started thinking why I desperately want to help others and then I believe it is because my dad forced me to help him when I was younger so I feel this is the only way I can attain any worth since my father told me explicitly that if I wouldn’t do what he wanted, he had no use for me. It’s also important that I offer aid freely, it gives me the control that I lacked.

Had some good conversations with the new guy too, jokes, work stuff and stuff about customers. Made another enemy, just someone who gives the impression that they dislike me and is allied with one of my enemies.

I couldn’t find anyone on 4chan to attend the football game with me so the tickets I bought just went to waste. Feels terrible knowing I can’t even pay people to hang out with me.

The next day, a woman pointed out I had a bird feather in my hair and pulled it out just before I got off the train. At work I sat next to the new guy again, the conversations were not as good as the previous day. Brought in the guy sitting opposite into the chatter, thought he might not be a normie then he mentioned his flatmate. He greeted me in the break room but I said nothing.

At the end of the day I realised I fucked up, didn’t check one of the systems and something fell through the net, this customer will need to be paid off, it’s a small amount but this one error is worse than the 20 or so I’ve reported my colleagues/enemies for. Disappointed in myself and not sure how I completely missed it. I suppose it’s better than performing the wrong action, this just makes me look forgetful, I’ll cover for the other two people who were on my shift and should have caught it if I didn’t.

On the way home, drunk football fans called me “love”. At home my mother called me “ape man” due to my hair and I told her about what happened on the train and she laughed. She didn’t know if it was worse that people saw me as a woman. Gave me some chocolates later as an apology.