Fucked up and really mad at myself right now

Woke up early for my 12pm interview for the night shift kitchen assistant role at Manchester Piccadilly station, I was already fantasising about having obtained it, it seemed like a “normal” job and trans friendly, that I could be happy with myself for working, also £8.20/hour.

On the phone yesterday (received the call while in the library), I was told to ask for a specific woman at an establishment called “Redaxa”, I didn’t hear it quite clearly and I repeated it and she did too and that’s what I heard, doing a quick google search didn’t turn up anything other than one link that suggested they were a self-storage service. I spent some time wandering the station trying to find it but I couldn’t because it didn’t exist, if I had spent more time researching yesterday instead of updating my blog then I would have found that the name of the place was actually “RITAZZA”, it’s a cafe of some sort. Good thing I didn’t waste my time asking around for “Redaxa”.

I didn’t think to wear trousers and a shirt so it probably would have gone badly anyway, caused me some anxiety on the train. Seeing cis-women walking throughout the city centre dropped me further. The advert also made it sound as if I was under-qualified, even if I knew where I was going, I would have wasted money on a train ticket, the only positive here is that some calories were burned walking for an hour and even that is only marginally a positive since I’m likely no longer in ketosis after eating a chocolate reindeer (and a half) last night.

At the library now and I see the same collection of freaks every weak, half of them are foreigners (there’s one Chinese guy and a pretty even split between Africans and pakis however there are massive hordes of pakis in the library not using the computers but the council services instead, all of them travel in packs, either a group of men where the majority don’t speak English or a woman or two and her pack of kids) and the other half are whites, the lowest scummiest brand possible though because you have to have fallen pretty low to be using library computers and not being a criminal or immigrant, these guys are 40+, some clearly have mental disorders, others reek of urine while watching the same low quality videos of Billy Jo Spears over and over again (in some she’s singing, others just seem to be a slide show of pics) and there are multiple guys that just play shitty flash games.

The library is close to the sixth form so you get students coming in here too, a few lone whites will briefly use the computers on occasion but mostly it’s paki hordes again, they use this place to socialise and are loud, they bring meals with them if they happen to use the machines, sometimes you’ll get two to one device, making sure to steal a chair while at it, yesterday though I just saw some paki sitting at a computer without using it, he was eating and listening to music, I don’t understand this behaviour at all.

Aim is currently to get back into ketosis.