Still Alone

I’ve been using my tablet to post on 4chan occasionally since I collected it from the police last week however my mother and sister got extremely angry at me for “posting on forums”, they thought this would get me arrested again, that I was doing something illegal, I was frustrated by their lack of knowledge and accusations but to get some peace of mind, I gave up my tablet device. My brother called me a “waster” and suggested I leave the family home.

I explained that all I was doing was “talking to people”, I don’t know why that offended them so much, they know I don’t have any friends or a social life. My mother doesn’t have any either, guess she just wants me to be miserable and go insane like her. I need social interaction, I need to be able t express myself and share my thoughts and feelings, the cunts on 4chan and those who read my blog know me better than anyone, they’re the only ones I have ever been able to talk to.

Ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, the first time in over a month, had a couple of slices of lasagna afterwards and two little chocolates. Just gotta count calories and staying under 2000 isn’t difficult.

I saw my uncle in the library again today, I was about to sit near him when I realised, then I diverted my course.

I think I might buy some a Dungeons & Dragons adventure module and play by myself, it might actually be fun.

Realised I sleep for 15+ hours a day, I should consider swapping my 6mg Progynova split around (4mg before before, 2mg when I wake up).

R.I.P. Shiny Mawile

I’m having issues with the callcentre as my name has been spelled incorrectly on their online service, I need to complete some stuff on it by 11am tomorrow in order to generate a contract. I’ve sent some emails across and initiated a name change application on the website but I feel this is partly my error as I was given the option to correct my name but skipped ahead and cannot go back to it. The big issue however, is that my details will be passed along to an agency that will check my background, I should be fine since my conviction is spent but I hear that will still show up on an enhanced DBS check, I don’t know if my status of “awaiting trial” means anything.

I have regained access to my primary email account but it isn’t enough to recover my shiny Mawile, it appears my 3DS was hit with another ban, this one affecting NNID and there is no way at all around it. The best I can do is use PKSM to transfer my Pokemon from Omega Ruby to Moon but then there’s the issue to getting them onto the next gen of games on the next gen of consoles.

Diet was ruined again yesterday, I skipped breakfast, had 300 calories for dinner then binged on chocolate digestives at night. Today followed a similar pattern, I had 4 Brazil nuts for breakfast and then around 4pm I ate perhaps 700 calories worth of chocolate digestives. Guess I should give up on keto and go back to a straight up low calorie diet while trying to minimise carbs. I think one of the reasons I am unable to commit to a diet is that I’ve lost too much weight around the face area and I want to get eating to increase gains to my face/hips/breasts.

Sat next to a sixth form paki in the library, this one was wearing a headscarf and after her hour on the computer was up she stayed at the computer desk, writing in her notebook and then used another hour when the usage limit had expired. There were other spare computers but this behaviour infuriated me. She was also quite suspicious, looking over at me and my computer screen.

I’ve been reading up on some of the great classic DnD adventures but after learning I might not get the job my enthusiasm has been dampened. My sisters probably wouldn’t want to play with me often anyway. Bought the Starter Box and Players Handbook anyway, that’s £45 gone and my first days pay.

Surprisingly longer entry

I’m still spending most of my day playing Pokemon but it’s infuriating that I can’t use Pokemon Bank until I reclaim my possessions from the police, it’s a NNID issue and I think I left a shiny Mawile in Bank under my NNID before I formatted and I can’t remember my login details. I’ll probably buckle and just get bank now. 300 mons registered, just need to catch Necrozma for that Shiny Charm.

Last night I spent a lot of time fantasising about working at the call centre, I imagined how I’d make friends, that I’d strike up conversation with a Pokemon fan while playing my 3DS during lunch break, he wouldn’t be as knowledgeable about IVs etc as me. I also thought I could befriend the qt receptionist, that train of thought veered off into a generic tranny fantasy.

Siblings are becoming offended that I call them “pig” and “piglet”, to me it’s a term of endearment but they see it as an insult.

Diet yesterday was awful, I started just fine, handful of Brazil nuts in the morning but then when I got back from the library, my mother had purchased a takeaway for me, chicken on chips. If I had stopped there things wouldn’t have terrible but around 6pm when I got home I noticed a box of biscuits on the coffee table, this infuriated me as I had had words with my mother before about why she even buys them and why she keeps them on display because no one wants biscuits as part of their diet, they don’t want that temptation. I think it’s some paki thing, she wants to buy and brag about owning fancy biscuits and she wants to feed people. Pakis don’t understand dieting or healthy eating.

My dad is still avoiding me but when he does encounter me, he walks on eggshells, today he offered me money to buy a burger meal, I told him I don’t want it, repeatedly, another paki that doesn’t understand a diet and thinks that money/food are everything.

Saw my 40 year old virgin NEET uncle who lives with his mother in the library, he was in and out in around 20 minutes, he sat opposite me, I said “hi”, he commented that I looked different with my hair, it irked me, as if he was mocking me, I didn’t reply. We then ignored each other until he was finished, he sat next to me briefly, I was updating my blog at the time but minimized the browser as he approached. He asked what I was doing, “writing”, he then asked what I was up to, told him I would start a call centre job on Monday, he belittled it, said that it couldn’t be much, I informed him that I would be paid above minimum wage, he harped on about how he thought I’d want something more challenging and made the strange statement that I should be aiming for work paying £10+/hour. I just told him I was content because it’s the truth. He regurgitated his speel about me needing to remember I’m “me” and that I should aim higher and that I’ll wake up eventually.

He’s a fucking cunt, he’s a major reason why I have various issues, he was my male role model and I’ve emulated him in so many fucking ways. It might seem like a good thing that he encouraged me to think I was special when I was younger but he went too far and didn’t ground his behaviour in reality, it made me delusional. He said so much idiotic crap and he still acts like a child, impossible to have a real conversation with, probably because if he took a real look in the mirror, he’d kill himself. Seeing him is like seeing a future reflection of myself and that’s why I’m so comfortable with killing myself sooner rather than later.

17 year old woman sitting next to me today was getting help getting her bennies and paying her rent. Yesterday paki was standing over the shoulder of a white woman who was filling out an online form to get the government/council to pay her rent to the paki (a whopping £100 a week), still don’t understand why pakis a buying up property here and renting it out for a pittance, the numbers don’t add up, it’s a terrible investment.

May as well finish this post with something positive. Shit I want to buy when I get a larger disposable income.

A proper PC, retailing at around £1000, I don’t necessarily want to play games, I just want a great version of something I’ll be using for several hours every day

A nice chink mobile phone £100-£200, I’m going to be stuck without mine for around 6 months so I should get a replacement I’m comfortable with

Dungeons and Dragons books, maybe I could get the starter box today?

RENT – I’m hearing around £350 in Manchester, I should get over the probation period at work before moving out.

Maybe put some away for plastic surgery/FFS and electrolysis, electro isn’t too expensive that I really need to save up though, I just need a stable continuous income unless I want to go for that intensive electro package over in Belgium

Turning Point 4

Got a that callcentre job, it pays above minimum wage, this is the first step to everything getting so much better for me. I felt euphoric reading the acceptance email. I’m going to take the Sertaline and Proprapronol I have stored to lower the chances of fucking this up, hope it’s not expired (obtained in September 2015).

Really feel like gloating and telling those who attempted to oppress me to get fucked.

Sat next to the chaser again, he posted on the facebook page, asking if anyone wanted a date with a single man and listed his town, that’s it.

Nothing but not down

Still no word from the callcentre I interviewed for, guess I better get cracking with my universal credit work search diary. Saw a man in the library today looking at pics of trans women, he stopped at a facebook page for “Crossdressers and transgendered”, I’ve seen this guy searching such thing before. One element of concern is how easy it was for me to take a peak at his screen, though I don’t think I have looked for anything to be embarrassed over, just some trans info.

Universal Credit came in yesterday, I might buy a blood test at the end of the month, if my E levels are still too low then I’ll increase the dose to 8mg/day, I feel I’ve waited long enough.

Diet was ruined again yesterday but today it seems to be going well. So far today I ate a small handful of peanuts and a slice of cheese. I’ve been told my cheekbones are quite defined now, that isn’t good, that means I have skelly face, this is so tricky, I need to cut to the point I lose fat where I want to and then I can start putting it back on so it goes to the right places, I thought I’d be able to cut much faster than I have.

I’ll begin the process of completing my Pokedex today, I’ve been delaying hunting the Ultra Beasts.

Something I should have noted earlier is that multiple detectives wrote statements against me but they were all dismissed, not sure if that’s the right word, same with my police interview, none of that is good enough to be evidence. I should have asked my solicitor what the detectives said.

Nothing coming up soon, the dentist and laser are both next week and my next court date is even further back than the following laser appointment.

Getting by

I haven’t received an email yet from the call centre, they said it would be three (working?) days before I got a response, I suppose it’s a knock then due to my availability. I don’t feel good about this but not as bad as I should feel, I thought this would be the first step in sorting out a life for myself (job>move out>friends>partner). Not sure what to do now.

I’m confident now that I will not be attending my counselling, I no longer feel like talking and with the time delay, it’s pointless, since month to month I’m never in the same place emotionally. As before there’s also the issue of not knowing what I want out of counselling. I have my meds and I’ll continue to take them and if things get too much, I’ll end myself, I’m completely comfortable with this. I will however re-register with my GP today, it doesn’t do anything positive to be without one. Nevermind, I’ve been removed from my surgeries list of patients as I requested last week, can’t be bothered to go through the full process of registering all over again. No GP probably means I’ve disappeared of the counselling list anyway.

Got some cash off my dad to cover the train tickets.

Playing Pokemon all day, got lucky with some IVs and wonder trades, spending my time EV training and such. Need to get a 6IV Ditto off /vp/ or wait for Bank. Using a Castform I was able to trade my way to an additional Cosmog, Type:Null and the Pokemon Sun exclusive legendary Pokemon. It feels much easier to stick to my diet now, no damage seems to have been done as I’m still around the 10 stone/140lbs mark.

All my day consists of is playing Pokemon, I’m happy enough with this, for now.

My mother has started praying and reading some religious text, it’s annoying me greatly. I mocked her to get my point across (you’re praying to someone that doesn’t exist, you don’t even understand the arabic text you’re reading, it’s basically a fantasy spellbook), I haven’t gone all in with the Muhammad being a pedophile and misogyny stuff yet and I doubt I will. My mother can’t refute my points, she only asks when I “lost” my faith, that’s when I remind her that none of us were ever religious, she ignores that and keeps asking the same stupid question.

I see a slightly chubby paki woman with a headscarf on a computer, I wonder if she has/is been abused in the same way as my mother. I feel sad now.

The paki men and other foreigners I see here only make me feel anger.

A Chinese man is holding a tablet suspiciously close to face with a look of desperation, he’s sitting at a computer but the tablet isn’t connected to it and the screen is turned away from his face.

The white people here don’t even register.

Pokemon 24/7

I’m enjoying playing Pokemon very much now that my game can connect to the internet, I’ve already made huge progress on completing my pokedex and besides, even if I didn’t, I’d just play download and play Pokemon Sun, catch the exclusives there and transfer them over when Bank is released. Got a Mimikyu with perfect IVs over WonderTrade, I can certainly imagine this becoming and addition, healthier than the alternatives.

Point of worry for me is that before leaving for court, I accidentally left my Biotin, Finasteride and empty box of Progynova on the floor in the middle of my room (moved them out while retrieving documents from the drawer), my brother at least must have seen them but he was already suspicious. It’s only the estrogen that can’t be explained. It could just be delusion but I am happier right now with how my face looks, 2 weeks is when you should start seeing the effects of laser.

The train journeys yesterday were not too bad as I could play Pokemon to pass the time (caught Castform) but I was slightly triggered by a couple of guys who I couldn’t tell if they were trans or just gay, they both had the same bowl haircut with the back short, not sure if this is some gay fashion thing or it’s so hair will grow out neater, they were both youngish and had bad skin, possibly from smoking (it’s a trans thing), the first just held his bad.handbag in a feminine way. The second guy was with two female friends, had a higher pitched but still obviously male voice and spoke of fucking guys. What throws me is that they were both presenting as male, wearing male clothes from some sub-culture I’m unfamiliar with, neither really had female features and based on stuff neither was on HRT. The second guy really triggered me, I wish I had (female) friends, who I could speak with the way he does, even if they are chubby gingers with nose-rings. I was sitting being the second guy and his friends during the train ride in which they spent the entire time speaking loudly, we made eye contact, it was uncomfortable as I was trying to get a good look at him to reach a conclusion.

I just hate seeing and hearing about other trans people because it makes me compare myself to them, it’s the same with other people who I share something flimsy with.

Diet going poorly, 135 is now an end of March goal if I’m being realistic.

No one giving me much attention regarding court.

Read this article about a trans-woman (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-38637837), I don’t think the statement she made about shrinking is true though I’m sure I used to be taller than 5’8.

“As a guy, it was lonely because people were nice but didn’t really engage with me.”, I can agree with that and “You get way more attention as a woman, and you assume that anybody could be a threat.” would explain why the Polish girls and female university staff have behaved the way they have done.

Conclusion postponed

Played a bit of Pokemon during my journey and prior to leaving home I ruined my diet again.

Aberdeen is freezing, even colder than my town has been, I got in about an hour before my appointment with my solicitor, I stuck it out in the waiting room. When it was finally time for the meeting I was shocked to learn a large dog was kept in the office, he parked at me aggressively and repeatedly, I didn’t feel anything as I was safe where I stood. The meeting was mid-length, he read out the statements, I commented, probably sounded like a cocky idiot, the issue however was that the Crown had not yet turned over the alleged emails so we could not prepare a defence. That was all, no charges dismissed or any attempt to do so. No interest in my letter either. Bit of an awkward moment when he mentioned “gender dysphoria” in one of the statements, I just stated mater of factly that it was something I posted and my blog. On the way out he asked what I was up to, just said that I might get a call centre job soon and mummy won’t let me use the internet at home. Maybe I should have said something about counselling. He was a nice man, knew how to use words to comfort me.

Waiting in the Sheriff Court, an older man made conversation with me for around an hour, he was intelligent, knew about art, my town and the corruption of the police and council. He had previously won cases against the police and was again pressing charges against them. I was eventually called, the proceedings lasted less than 5 minutes, both parties agreed to postpone the trial for 2 months (Trial will be in April and I’ll need to travel here again in March) while evidence was gathered (15 devices need to be examined). My solicitor apologised for the wasted trip.

Think I’ve sorted my 3DS. I’m not feeling up to creating any mischief, I just don’t have it in me right now, want to get home and call it a day.

But McDonalds first. It’ll be alright if I don’t eat anything else today.

Needlessness

Court tomorrow, just an intermediate diet, completely pointless, does nothing but drain my wallet. I’ll have some time to kill up there so I might entertain myself if I so wish. I’m taking the sleeper train up there, bringing my 3DS, might be on my way to restoring internet access, my Lovecraft book, some documents for my solicitor, maybe some food, though the best part of travelling is that it’s easier to stick to a diet/calorie control.

Saw that fat Italian guy again, he’s nice, I didn’t recognise him as he walked towards me but he remembered me and went in for a gangsta handshake.

oh, my diploma arrived in the post. I don’t care. Bit funny that they sent it the day before I’m in court, this inspires me to write some more amusing gags.

Turning Point 3

I ruined my keto diet badly last night, carb numbers weren’t that high but overall calories were perhaps 1000 away from where I wanted to be.

Today though was not yesterday, today was going to be a much better day because today I had a job interview for a call centre (inbound calls, no selling). I woke up near 10am, giving myself enough time to shower, iron my shirt & pants, clean my shoes and get down to the library to briefly review the route to the place and possible interview questions/answers. I stuck to the schedule well, still seeing exactly the same faces every day the library, the British-pakis there are certainly all unemployed, the whites are substances abusers and wackos. My dad saw me when I got back home from the library, he didn’t try to make conversation, I enjoyed this at first but now it’s becoming uncomfortable, I’m wondering what he’s thinking, if he’s suffering.

Train station at 1pm, got in soon after, found the interview site quickly but that left me with time to spare so I went into the shopping centre, took a look at diaries in WHSmith and anime in HMV, there was also some superhero novelty tat that I might buy when I have a larger income. Closer to the interview time I got a bit lost, asked a security guard for help and I was on my way again, I arrived close to 2:15pm, that’s the time I was given via ext message though I booked a 2:45pm interview slot on their website, better safe than sorry. My interview did turn out to be at 2:45pm but the time didn’t crawl by. Dysphoria flared up throughout the day, so many people out in the streets, it’s unavoidable but then there were the building and company receptionists too, they were stunning.

Interview consisted of 10 questions, 5 about my experience and the other 5 were more general (define “Teamwork”), iirc. I was able to think quite quickly though a lot of what I said was garbage, I repeated certain words and phrases more often than I would have liked and my voice was a bit raspy, I couldn’t speak in my normal voice, perhaps a dry throat from thinking I could be late from earlier. I’d say it went well enough, my answers were written down by the lone woman conducting the interview so I don’t believe a decision would be made by her, then and there. Still hoping it’s one of those situations where everyone is hired.

Job starts on the 30th, training anyway. Told them I had the dentist on the 31st and “a GP appointment” on the 3rd (cover for laser), this might be enough for them to consider me too much hassle, especially since the training is assessed 100% on attendance.

5pm and only eaten a few handfuls of peanuts today.

Plan for tomorrow, is to attend my Universal Credit appointment and get on the sleeper train for my intermediate diet on Friday.

Might buy something to reward myself.

Sixth form pakis using the library as a hangout again, they’re just standing in the middle of the building (near a bookshelf and computers) and they’re just noisily talking and horsing around, 3 males, 3 females, one paki bitch is drinking Coke through a straw.