Misconduct Hearing

Fuck it, it’s all over, I knew from the start they all had an agenda against me and I’ve seen it in action once again. Just like everyone else I’ve encountered, the university has not given me a true chance to speak.

Skimming over the observations before the hearing, I don’t care anymore. Woke up at 5am, showered but didn’t shave, moisturise or wear deodorant. Dad drove me to the train station. Got an Eastern European to move out of the seat I have reserved. Cis female school girls at one of the train stations triggered my dysphoria. Played Dragon Quest through most of the train journey. Once I arrived in Aberdeen, my /britfeel/ “friend” was nowhere to be found, I made my way to the hotel I booked for the night and once again my dysphoria was triggered by cis female students, this time my age. Hotel receptionist was qt Lithuanian, not triggered, she was nice, smiled often. Bought some razors, shaving cream, deodorant and a comb from Pound Shop or something like that. Groomed myself though my hair still looks terrible.

I arrived at the university in a timely fashion about 20 minutes early so I took a long walk around to where I needed to be. Had to wait for another 10 minutes once I arrived. A friendly woman appeared, she had an admin role at the uni and would be taking the minutes of the hearing. The two women actually on the panel that would judge me were my former course co-ordinator, she looked glum throughout and did not speak a word and the new head of the business school who lead the inquisition.

The first only two questions asked was if I knew what the purpose of the misconduct hearing was, I staggered but got it on my own, to decide if I can return to the uni. Next it was stated that I had been convicted of “stalking” and asked if I had any mitigating circumstances to claim or anything else for them to take into consideration.

I tried explaining what I did wasn’t stalking but they wouldn’t hearing it, the fact that I was convicted under that legislation was all they wanted to know. It didn’t matter that the actual subsection of the law that I was screwed under was some anti-freedom, catch-all law that anyone could be arrested for having done anything (I said this).

When I objected further to their claim that I “stalked other students”, I tried in vein again to explain what I actually did but again, they didn’t care, it was also confirmed at this point that the head of the school had no idea what I had done, she said that all she knew that I had a conviction.

A couple of other points I tired making were that I was only fined £300, that this was therefore a minor crime, like speeding. They seemed to take that one, course leader wrote it down but I think it was just for show. My main argument completely flew over their heads though, they didn’t understand or accept blame for suspending me for 1 year when I hadn’t been charged with anything, nor convicted or charged at the end of the bail period, it was just standard procedure, not even an apology, my logic was that we were both at fault so I already took my punishment.

Voice was raspy throughout the day, not sure why I couldn’t speak normally. Anxiety, I guess.

There was nothing for me to say because that’s the format they arranged, it was rigged. Just a charade, a formality they had to get through. Decision had already been made. Pretty annoyed that I spent £110 for nothing. My body language was awful, I started off leaning on the table with my face rested on my fist but by the end I was leaning back in my chair with arms outspread, defeated.

Felt like kicking stuff as I left. Ate a whole Toblerone when I got back, I’m disgusting.

Tried calling detective, he said I could call him way back when, it was just a ruse to get me to incriminate myself but I needed someone real to talk to, wanted to ask him specifically if I was a bad person and to explain it to me because I don’t understand and if I’m not a bad person then I don’t deserve this and that makes everyone else bad. Kinda wanted to have him arrest me or something, I don’t want to be here anymore, it’s fair to say I failed at life and now it’s all about picking my exit route.

And to make this day even worse, noticed a HUGE patch of hypopigmentation on my upper lip, could just be because I shaved today.

Still no reply from the laser clinic.

Hotel room is comfy, might get a McDonalds to further eat away at my sorrows while multiplying them tomorrow, I know I’m pathetic going to Maccies, handing money over like a cuck to the guy who fired me.

Ignored most of my mums texts, answered her eventually.

I can see the ending now

Sweated heavily during night time, the end of my DNP cycle, had to get up to refill my water bottle more than once. Still felt fatigued throughout the following day. Weighed 144.25lbs, not bad if I lose some more once I drop the water weight though I ate quite a bit today so think I might put some back on.

Midday I was in the kitchen eating tuna and sweetcorn from a bowl, my father entered and starting going on at me again to have a hair cut, I tried to keep my cool but he kept pecking at me head, I got mad and had to express myself so I threw the bowl against the floor, smashing it, I then left for my room. A short while later my father entered my room and hurled abuse at me, the same shit as usual, that I look bad, that people laugh when they see me, that I cause him embarrassment. Some other shit in paki that I couldn’t understand but regardless made me uncomfortable. He really couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t obey him and have a haircut, I tried explaining basic logic and values to him, that it’s my hair, I don’t tell him how to keep his hair and that I don’t care what other people think of my appearance as long as I’m happy with how I look.

Daddy then moved onto other topics like me not having a job, everyone else apparently does, topics like I should leave the house more and “go into town”, I asked what I would do in town, he said that I should meet friends, I told him that I don’t have any friends, I never had friends, why does he only care about my social life now? He hypothesised that I don’t have any friends because I “smell” and that people don’t want to sit next to me in class, that’s how childish this paki is. The paki also thinks that my appearance will make any difference to whether or not the uni will have me back, moronic paki and his moronic values. I put my headphones on and watched WWE Raw, he stood and started at me for a long time before eventually leaving.

Mum wondered around outside my door for a while during his tirade, it’s too late for her to have an issue with his abuse now, she should have left him or reported him to the police at some point in the last 25 years.

I planned on leaving here a year ago but it’s not easy to rent a place as a NEET, landlords have too many options, too much interest. I intended to find a job first but that’s not happening, I’m trapped.

A guy on /r9k/ made a little text adventure based on my tale, it’s actually kinda funny. https://gitlab.com/ASCVGH/TheLegendOfPoleaboo/

Got good at Hearthstone again, win streaks with Discard Warlock and Midrange Shaman, went from rank 13 to rank 7, got ended by a Rogue of all things.

Went to ASDA for mum, she left money on the table for me to buy the stuff, felt like a child, used my own money, the walk to the store and back was difficult due to the DNP fatigue. Kiddies leaving sixth form scattering around, saw some strong facial hair on the paki males, made me feel less regret over not transitioning earlier. The paki students who were loitering were quite noisy.

Don’t know why the laser clinic isn’t responding, I’ll test the waters by contacting them with another account.

Going to sleep early as I need to get the train at 6.30am tomorrow.

I’m probably going to kill him

Bastard father asked me for a favour, wanted me to call his insurance again, I hurled some abuse at him but eventually did what he wanted. After I complete the call he demanded I get a haircut, called me stupid, a dickhead, an embarrassment and some other crap, repeatedly. His opinions are worthless, he doesn’t dress or cut his hair for himself, he does it for the sake of other people, too bad he can’t tell they think he’s a common paki from his lawnmower haircut and sportswear. Though, he probably wants to be seen as a common paki.

Told him that I liked my hair and that I was growing it out, this obviously didn’t mean anything to him as I just explained as “no one else wears their hair like that”. I hate the paki mentality of uniformity, the last thing I want it to be like them, to look like I just came out of the clone factory, I don’t want to dress like them or keep my hair like them. I am special and I should show it.

Signed on at the JobCentre, took 10 minutes today as I arrived 5 minutes early. White guy called me “fam”, on my way back home.

No reply from the laser place which is odd, don’t know why they stopped replying to my emails, I’ll just have to contact them afresh via the form on their website instead of directly emailing them.

DNP cycle was supposed to end today but I felt I ate too much so I took 200mg to level things off, will stop tomorrow instead.

Watched WWE No Mercy, it was OK, hate that Dolph Ziggler is still with the company, he’s a talentless hack who has been given 10+ pushes by now.

Played some more Dragon Quest, should get A LOT done on the train on Wednesday and Thursday. Might download Yokai Watch if I fancy a change of pace.

Incompetent vermin

I woke up nice and early, just before 10am and went to the barbers to get my hair sorted out, I have enough there for a pixie cut, it just needs to be tidied up a bit. Shower and head out, bit warmer today than usual. There were 4 or 5 people waiting ahead of me at the barbers once I arrived but another 10-15 arrived while I was waiting, it was a paki barbers and all the customers were pakis, seeing them made me feel, I’m not sure, I didn’t like their beards or their haircuts (all had short back/side with varying amounts on top), even their clothes were uniform, I guess I felt that I’m glad I’m not like them anymore and that my physical state could have been worse if I had chosen to transition later.

There was a little girl running around with her mother, she was a year old, perhaps, I liked it when she bumped into me and held me for support, nice to feel another human being.

There were 3 barbers and 3 of the barbers friends jumped the queue, one of them was an imam, he probably gets free housing, other financial benefits and now he doesn’t even need to wait in line for a haircut, I don’t think he even paid. I was waiting for about an hour, the heat made me worry because I was on 400mg DNP but everything turned out fine.

Once it was my turn to get my hair cut, I told the barber that I wanted it shorter on the back and the sides and to leave the hair growing from the top of my head untouched. The idiot then started cutting the hair that was growing over my ears, told him to stop that and explained myself again, he said “oh, like an undercut”, then he got the sides right, I suppose, he ran the machine over the sides while lifting my hair. That was the easy part. With the back, I suppose he had no idea what to do so he tidied up the very bottom and that was it, the main reason I wanted a haircut was to get the bottom cleaned up but couldn’t even do that right, I think I may have physically grabbed the area that I wanted untouched (the top part of the back of my head) but he still didn’t understand what part to cut. He offered to “even it up” a bit with scissors though I’m not sure what he actually did, probably made it worse. It lasted less than 5 minutes, I paid £7 and that was probably the easiest money he’s ever made.

Never going back there. Might try getting the possibly gay Afghan to sort it out tomorrow.

Having some issues with body hair growth, could just be the Biotin but since I stopped using Cypro it seems to be growing back faster. Might get off Bica, I don’t feel like it’s working for me as well as Cypro was though I know I need to give it more time to build up.

Mum made spaghetti bolognaise today, I hope the 400mg DNP cancels it out, I’ll end my cycle tomorrow. I can only hope the lose of additional water weight takes me close to 140lbs.

Yet another thing to feel anxiety over

Didn’t do anything other than play Dragon Quest and Hearthstone. Ate some rice, went up to 400mg DNP again, might end my cycle sooner due to this.

I realise now that I do need a haircut or trim, the back in is a bit of a state. Not sure if I’ll go to the possibly gay Afghan or the paki brothers barbers. The pakis aren’t idiots, last time I asked for only the hair on the back and sides to be cut, he knew I was trying to grow it out, the Afghan can be very rude but he considers himself a hairdresser, not a barber. I’ll probably go to the pakis since English is their first language. Not sure what I’ll say, “I’m trying to grow my hair out so can you shorten the back and the sides?”, I say ‘shorten’ because I’m not sure how short I want it or if the word ‘trim’ is appropriate. I hope they don’t cut it too high up.

The JSA people are going to do a home visit in a couple of weeks, check that my benefits are adequate, it’s a random thing apparently and nothing to worry about.

Good day but uneventful

144.5lbs now, just under the UFC Featherweight limit.

Fancied a takeaway today so I went up to 400mg DNP, the place however was shut so I didn’t get the takeaway, had rice instead. Mum made the rice after I asked for it, that was nice of her.

Dad sad my room smelled, told him to fuck off. The bastard also asked for a favour again.

Played a lot of Dragon Quest 7 today while watching Louie is the background, needed help with a couple of puzzles.

Got the date of my driving lesson wrong, it’s NEXT Friday.

Busy times ahead

I emailed a laser hair clinic with a good reputation and nationwide presence, their response was fine, asked my to book a consultation so they could better examine my hair. Got a jam packed month ahead so I’m not sure when best to arrange it.

>driving lesson on the 7th
>signing on on the 10th
>uni misconduct hearing on the 12th
>GP appointment on the 17th

Getting pretty stressed now about the GP appointment, yesterday it was help that I wanted, today it’s just validation.

Trying to get back into anime but almost everything looks terrible, even going a couple of years back. All I saw today was Boku dake ga Inai Machi, One Punch Man, Prison School and JoJo part 4 are the other shows I plan to watch and finish watching soon.

Listened to a wrestling podcast while playing Dragon Quest, sunk a lot of time into it today.

145.5lbs, lowest weight I’ve been yet so I’m feeling overjoyed even though hitting below 140lbs before the end of the cycle in 6 days seems a stretch. Eating in the region of 1000 calories is a breeze now, midday is a tough period to get through but once that’s over I can get to bedtime without any problems.

I still have severe anxiety about my facial hair but I’m trying to ignore that by convincing myself I still have options and that things will work out.

Got back to winning games on Hearthstone, I’ll get the golden Warrior portrait tomorrow. Might even get all the golden heroes this month.

Dad was being nice today, gave me some t-shirts he bought from Pakiland.

Haven’t been outside in a while, think it’s been a week, my laser session.

That actual kind of “sick” feeling

I vomited last night, 9 times though they were only split into two sets. I felt scared and uncomfortable, found it difficult to breath at time, didn’t know what was happening, thought it could be the DNP screwing with me. I was glad to make it through the night and in hindsight I am glad to have vomited the meal I had last night, I don’t have the strength to force myself to be sick unfortunately and bulimia seems highly attractive to one such as I who is trying to reduce their intake but finds it difficult to resist temptation.

I was still feeling sick in the morning, cancelled my driving lesson. My father asked me for a favour, wanted me to search online for some batteries, I told him to fuck off and then he went on his usual tirade, “get a job”, “you look like an animal”, “get a haircut, I’ll pay”. Went and took a shower to get away from him, decided to shave today, it wasn’t a good shave, perhaps there was something wrong with the blades, regardless, my beard shadow is still there and still dark, this depressed me greatly, I cried today over that.

What’s the point in going on? Yes, I’m getting sessions at the cheapest place I could find but still my hope is fading and I just think at this point it would be easier to end it all, 6 months at most, I wish I could do it right now, there’s no point in continuing if I can’t shift this facial hair, I can’t be happy. I can’t just throw in the towel though, I need to make an effort so I did, browsed information about Electrolysis, it’s too expensive, browsed some other Laser places, great, I’m prepared to pay the higher prices now but I can’t take a session or patch test until enough time has passed from my last laser session and finally I felt like I could talk to someone, they could help me, so I booked an appointment with a GP. I guess I’ll tell them I think I have gender dysphoria but I’m not sure, I want a referral to GIC or to talk to a therapist. It will make me feel like I’m moving forward and they will pay for laser at the really expensive places, this might work out but for now I’m still upset, I am just disgusted with myself, I feel like there would be nothing I wouldn’t be prepared to give up if I could just get rid of this beard shadow.

Later in the day it looked like, maybe, there had been some small progress.

I’ve eaten well today since I feel sick and have no appetite for food. 600 calories I believe, cereal, I fancies something wet. Still taking DNP.

Still doing terribly at Hearthstone.

I googled the GP I have an appointment with, young, cool looking male, this is going to be tough.

Hair loss continues but I don’t know where it’s coming from, I could just be a normal amount, I suppose.

Watched WWE Smackdown, not that fussed about PPVs  when the outcomes of matches are obvious.

Had to wash bedsheets and bin since that’s where I vomited.

That strange kind of “sick” feeling

Today I received the letter from the uni, formally setting the date for my misconduct hearing, the rest of it was literally just a copy and paste of a previous letter I had received. Highly optimistic about this if they’re following the letter of the law (why would they start now though?) since I haven’t breached the universities regulations exactly as they have been written out.

The regulations in short

>threatening behaviour TOWARDS others

My behaviour wasn’t threatening as it wasn’t DIRECTED TOWARDS anyone since posts were made on 4chan, somewhere where the girls wouldn’t seen them.

>being racist

Used the term “Polish whore” once, didn’t think it racist, just looking for an adjective to tag onto whore but obviously not racist since my nickname is POLEABOO.

>conduct that endangers the wellbeing of others

This is the one they’re going to screw me on since it’s vague as fuck.

Took a look at some womens check shirts and t-shirts, I’d like to buy some clothes now, rather than wait until my body is closer to the state I want it to be in. It would make me feel better about myself, I think.

I know you’re supposed to wait longer but the most recent session of laser does not look like it has gone well. I’ll just have to fork out for sessions at a place that has a Nd:YAG.

Noticed that I can become slightly erect again, Bica could be working.

146.5lbs, about the same as yesterday, I hear I can lose 5-7lbs after DNP by dropping water weight (which will take about a week) so this isn’t overly distressing, 8 days left in my cycle. Day started off well, ate porridge for breakfast and soup for lunch, a total of under 450 calories but then at night I binged on chicken my mother made, it wasn’t covered in carbs or that kind of crap like KFC but still, I had quite a lot. It disagree with my stomach and seemed to be processed quickly, in around an hour, perhaps it wasn’t digested properly?

Not doing well on Hearthstone this season.

The date is set and so am I

The uni got back to me, the misconduct hearing will be on the 12th of October, more details incoming. Trying to make a day of it by inviting some /brit/ and /britfeel/ posters, it would be the most social thing I’ve done since that pity party thrown by Judas last year. It’s expensive travelling to Aberdeen and returning, £115 quid for the cheapest rail tickets and hotel to stay overnight, tickets that allowed me to return the same day would be even more expensive. That’s a fortnights bennies so that’s a real kick in the teeth. Feeling optimistic about the whole thing and I’m generally feeling relieved about it all because someone finally wants to hear me out and isn’t just waiting for me to fall into some trap so they swing the execution blade.

Played some Dragon Quest. I know the game has more party members available so I’m not even half way through.

146lbs today and I ate around 1200 calories, can’t go low two days in a row or else I could end up in starvation mode. I’ll try to do 500 calories again tomorrow. I almost completely screwed up today when I got possessed and went out for a donner and chips, fortunately the chippy was closed. Still on DNP, would probably be a good point to end the cycle the day of the hearing. Urine is sometimes black due to the DNP, that’s normal, DNP is also used as a dye.

Watched TNA Bound for Glory and Last Week Tonight, neither was engaging, just background noise, I like the Hardys stuff though.

Tranny on /britfeel/ was mean but I probably should get a diagnosis eventually, I just feel uncomfortable making that while I still have such visible facial hair/beard shadow, there’s also how I can’t really claim my dysphoria is crippling anymore since I don’t leave the house much.