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I ate a spoon of peanut butter for breakfast and another couple throughout the day, my diet broke down at 4pm, I had two bagels, later I had some chicken and lastly, biscuits. I need the help of drugs to lose weight, that much is obvious, I’ll be able to sweat and fatigue myself on DNP again once I’m fired, absolutely dreading my fuck up being discovered, I think it must have happened today, tomorrow morning I’ll be asked for a chat. Probably getting fired soon anyway, I finished my background check authorisation and sent it off. Maybe a heavy dose of my beta blockers could calm me down.

It felt good to receive my first block of incomes from employment today, the figures from actual work are so much more significant than bennies.

All I did today was change the PIN on all my cards so they’re the same, went to ASDA to buy keto supplies but that seems a waste now unless the keto pancakes turn out to be filling, also bought coffee, I want to learn to like it. ASDA self-service machines didn’t accept AMEX, used the Amazon card. Checked in on my psych placed, I’m still on their counselling list, still waiting to reach the top, I was told it wouldn’t be long now but that’s pretty vague. My GP surgery is still determined to remove me from their list. Really was too exhausted to do anything, need to do some personal grooming, maybe this weekend.

Managed to get rank 10 on Hearthstone, I’m finding my form again.
I recorded my voice and heard it back, I sound fine when I speak slowly.

My dad has builders around, Indians, can’t speak English, one smiled at me in the hallway, I shrugged and scowled.

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Cart before the horse

I went to sleep at 8pm yesterday, I was tired an wanted a good nights sleep, it worked out, I was well rested but I still found it difficult to get out of bed, 9-6 shift.

Today was terrible and I’m considering suicide again, I had two especially bad calls, both times they wanted to escalate to a manager, the first call was an hour long, the pathetic man said he was recording the call, I did report it to a manager but I was able to get him to hangup, so I just looked like an idiot, by the end of the call I was shaking and felt like crying. The other call was just some dumb paki bitch thought if she kept asking for a refund that she’d get it, had to escalate because she wouldn’t give up. This was escalated to a different manager, she was so nice, made me feel worse for screwing up.

There were some other incidents where I looked like an idiot in front of 3 other “superiors”, on more than one occasion

I also made two massive fuck ups, one resulted in an email being sent to everyone but noted that if it happened again that would be when people were hunted down. The other fuck up will be discovered iin a few days, no way to justify doing it, lying or why I didn’t ask for help to correct it.

A coworker is continuing to be nice to me, the Man City fan, he’s a lad, he touches me on the shoulder and calls me a “G”, just like everyone else, I don’t know how to respond, I just smile and look away.

My binder straps were showing at times, hope it just looked like a vest.

What made me want to end it was the quality assessment, I heard my voice played back to me, I sound like a typical dense common as muck paki, don’t know why anyone bothers communicating with me if I sound and look the way I do and I don’t understand why I sound this way, I used to be told I sounded “superior” when I was younger, some people couldn’t tell where I was from and I don’t understand why I sound this way when my siblings sound normal. I can’t stand sounding this way, it’s difficult to change, with the wait gain and everything else I can say I completely hate everything about myself. I did have a sore throat but I don’t think that was it.

I’ve been imagining my exit from work, conceding I should have worked on my personal issues through counselling and CBT before trying to work. I just want it to be over, it’s perverse that I willingly subject myself to pain every day.

Going to call the psych place tomorrow as it’s my day off, see if I’m still on their books and see if I can talk about my difficulties. I’ll also make sure I’m registered with a GP.

Fuck off then, vermin

My training officially ended Friday and today I started my rota without dedicated support. There are systems in place, people to ask if you don’t know what to do but I’m not familiar enough with titles and names. Fortunately today went well, in the first two hours on the phone I was an absolute beast, 10 calls an hour but then as the day progressed, I slowed, some 15 minute calls. Not asking for help also lead me to make some questionable decisions that I may get called up on.

As training is over, two of my coworkers moved to another desk, just me and one other guy there now (DnD), I feel sorry for him, that he’s still around me. I resent the others for leaving but shouldn’t, I’m glad they’re gone actually but I still feel bitter.

Ate poorly when I got back from work, I don’t know why it’s so hard, I should be too tired to eat, never mind binge. The worst thing I ate today were croissants with chocolate spread and peanut butter.

Played some Hearthstone, rank 11, playing Renomage.

Nice try, detective

Someone tried logging into my Facebook account, it’s not the attempt that I find laughable but that someone thinks that would actually be a worthwhile pursuit.

Last night I realised I’ve been fucking up massively at work all week, I’ve been processing refunds without taking a fee.

I didn’t do much with my day off, just went to the library to print off a document the background check agency requested. Used my AMEX for my travel season ticket, my Amazon credit card also arrived. Ate like a pig, skipping meals just makes me crave something worse. Might need to buy some more DNP. Upped my dose of E to 8mg for my blood work, I’ll send it in on my day off next week.

Die, me or you, I don’t care who

It might be time to quit my job, even if I’m fired, that won’t be for another few weeks, I don’t think i can hang on that long. This workplace environment is just as toxic to my mental health as the others. I’m harbouring extreme hatred or obsession for my coworkers and every time someone speaks to me, it causes me pain, even looking at other people causes distress. As for the hatred, I can see objectively they don’t deserve it but I can’t help how I feel. I just really hate them, I know why I hate them,  its petty and illogical, I’m too embarrassed to post it here in case they ever read this. I am aware I’m splitting.

Having fantasies of being arrested at work or having some interesting trait so that people pay me attention and I have friends, silly thought, I’d hate all of that in reality but the idea of it is attractive. My supervisor is quite chill, looks like my old “friend” who smoked weed with me, he likes wrestling, wears a bunch of different shirts, sucks I stopped watching in November. Not that I’d be able to find and opening to discus it anyway and he likes vanilla midgets.

Forgot my spoon again, had to drink my yoghurt in the bathroom again. Work in general was a nightmare, in the first hour I received two calls where the men became angry and said they’d complain about me.

Paki on the crowded morning train wouldn’t scoot up for more people to get on board, he was a balding manlet with fancy phone looking at £2500 BMWs, so a typical paki. I tried to tell him to move by pointing at space but my voice was too low and raspy.

My American Express arrived, it looks cool, I’ll get £250 on it just with my train tickets to court. Still waiting on the Amazon rewards card. I’m mostly done with purchases, apart from the train tickets and dentist which will be expensive, I can start making significant savings. I’m regretting purchasing the Hearthstone wallet instead of a proper one.

My sister randomly had a tantrum, she said some very cruel things to my other sisters whom I too argued with today, I can’t believe those gifts didn’t win me any goodwill. The oldest sister was mad at me for her laptop being confiscated and making it more difficult to do her work.

Hydroquinone next?

I’ve decided to pack a lunch again, it’s less than 200 calories, the benefits outweigh the negatives. I forgot my spoon though so today I ate lunch in a bathroom cubicle, didn’t want anyone seeing me drinking the yoghurt from the cup. Fortunately I didn’t hear any activity in the neighbouring stall.

The start of the day was a little rough, my coworkers from my training group were conversing, I got in a few words but they were happy enough speaking between themselves, that suits me just fine, just wish I had been excluded from the entire conversation though. I’m having difficulty speaking, it seems, I’m being asked to repeat myself when speaking, hard to form sentences, explain myself, speak slowly or without breaks. Female coworker remarked on how I had a sticky note for the dentist on my computer screen.

The second half of the day was spent back in training, learned to use a new program. That guy who used to sit next to me but not speak has quit, he’s going back to selling clothes to women in a fancy department store. I’ve learned one of my coworkers (the pokemon/dnd) guy owns a Manchester United season ticket, he must be older than I thought too. The other male non-dnd coworker owns a Manchester City season ticket, £400, brilliant value for money even though his seats are terrible, about £20 per game. I would really like to watch a game, I’d settle for my hometown if they attracted more fans (only hit 25% capacity) and I wouldn’t stick out. Might apply for a season ticket if I enjoy it. It’d be something else to commit my income to too.

Still waiting for my credit cards to arrive.

My hypopigmentation appears to have run out.

Due to mums cooking I keep eating poorly when I get back home.

Heading back from work  saw a teen male wearing heavy makeup walking down with his fat friend/sister. Guess he a gender dysphoria and she’s supporting him. I didn’t like see it.

5-3

Today was not a good day at work, I  multiple calls that lasted 20+ minutes, I can’t get people to accept bad news. I also had to ask for help a lot. Might not last long after all. My coworker tried to make conversation, I couldn’t respond well but i was also just not in the mood so came across as enthusiastic. At the end of the day there was another attempt by someone else, the bathroom guy from yesterday, “you offski?”, I said yes and that it had been a long day, I had a lot of long calls, again I can see I should have inserted my feelings/opinion.

Need to stop staring at/focusing on specific features of peoples faces when speaking to them (deformities or women’s chins), it’s probably creepy.

The low point of the day was when I received an email from HR regarding my holiday entitlement, I replied to the email and was told to follow proper procedure. It brought me down because it was a typical example of someone aware I needed help but not offering any.

I was able to skip lunch but my mum had bought me an Arizona’s burger meal when I got home, had the coke too and Hagen-das ice cream.

Sisters have gone on a short holiday to Rome.

Gutted I missed the City v Monaco game, might be able to get tickets for the next round.