Tuesday

Roommates went out to play badminton again, they brought back Chads brother, got a little anxious when I heard them but luckily I did not have to lay eyes on any of them during the entire day. Looked up what panic attacks are and I believe I do suffer from them, around people, sweating is the most common symptom for me and while alone, thinking of potential uncomfortable situations, my heart rate increases and breathing becomes unpleasant.

Watched Raw today. The PPV looks somewhat fun. Watched the Mayweather fight on Sunday. Nothing remarkable anywhere.

Played Hearthstone, 3 Arena runs, not happy I keep pulling bad cards, fills the collection at least.

Chinese Chad knocked on my door last night, took a minute for me to get up and pull on my pants, the delay in opening the door probably makes him think I’m weird. Asked if I’d be in on Thursday, gotta let the gas man in or something. Conversation was to the point and short. I tried reaching for the hallway light on the wrong side of the door, he laughed. He laughs often, wonder if it’s a nervous laugh or a polite one.

The animals from work read my blog yesterday and again today, either them or the Poles.

Will tell the doctor about my pissbottles and anxiety tomorrow. Maybe about the obsessiveness. Not sure of the exact words I want to use.

Not bought weed as I was unable to find a cheap enough UK supplier (though they are still cheaper than local street rates, I’m being told I’m being ripped off), haven’t been able to get a rec yet either.

Ate cereal, hummus, few cookies with milk. Hit the pissbottles 3 times.

I’m not feeling down, still enjoying not having any obligations for a while.

NEET life is alright

I felt anxious last night, couldn’t force myself to go to bed until 3am. Felt anxious and down most of today too, not sure what exactly the problem is since I’m trying to avoid thinking about my dilemmas. Due to the feelings I’m having I’ve lost my appetite again, only ate two meals, cereal when I woke up and hummus late afternoon.

While in the shower I heard someone loudly knock the door twice and then ring the bell, my heart skipped a few beats as always when I someone at the door, worry it could be the police again, especially on edge this time as the knocks were real professional. Roommate answered it. Turns out it was just a delivery man.

I called up the GP surgery I’m registered with, booked an appointment, this Wednesday since there was a cancellation. The phone conversation was quick and to the point, I said what I wanted (to see a GP), they corrected me (to see a doctor) and asked for my details. That was it. Not long enough to get worked up over and my roommates weren’t home so I could speak comfortably. Not sure what to say to the doctor, I’ll plan tomorrow.

Pissed out of the window a couple of times, pissed myself once, roommates were about. Need to empty several pissbottles next time I have the place to myself to avoid this happening again. Washed my clothes though.

Pretty good at the Arena in Hearthstone now, can devote more time to it and claim more rewards now. Feel accomplished and have a sense of purpose. Spent most of the day sitting/laying in my bed.

Going home for a few days next week, should be alright, get some pizza and other paki take away stuff.

Enjoying the bottle of Pepsi I bought yesterday.

Fired Again

First thing to happen at work was the handing out of ID cards, I call them that but they were just white rectangles with first names on them. I didn’t get one, suspected that signalled the end for me but pushed it to the back of my head, just spent the rest of the day feeling bitter at being left out. Guy threw keys at me, failed to catch again, it was underarm and he was close, I wasn’t watching them, just expected them to fall into my hands if I did the catching motion.

Friendly guy from the arcade who spoke to for a few minutes spoke to me again while I was working, this time about drugs and pets, I had some input regarding the pets. Gonna at least buy some weed now I have the means, maybe check out the ‘Sylvia’ he was on about too, it’s apparently what all the NEETs are doing these days. He came by again later in the day, I stuck my hand, waving to acknowledge him, he thought I wanted to chat again but fortunately his attention was quickly swayed.

Couple of ex-staff visited the park, got some acknowledgment, cool, don’t know what they were doing there, surely there are better ways to spend a Sunday. Think they maybe wanted a go on the ride I was operating, in hindsight I probably should’ve let them.

End of the day I picked up a rota for next week without looking at it, assumed I would just be working the weekends. Went to ASDA before departing for the bus stop, on my way I saw half my colleagues gathered, having a smoke, I walked passed the pack without looking at them, chavvy pig saw me though and shouted some stuff, think she called me “pishy”, asked about my weekend and if I’d bought underwear. Didn’t give her the satisfaction of a response, didn’t really care, walked on without looking at the beast. Don’t know why she was being a bitch, there has been some politeness over the last few days.

Took a look at the rota out of boredom on the bus, couldn’t find me name, guess I’ve been essentially fired, my hours have been reduced to zero. It was a shit job, glad to have an excuse to no longer work it but it’s a real insult to no longer he required for this bottom of the barrel gig,  ignored my employment rights, accepted less pay than I was due but instead of quitting, I’m fired, fucked up that there are more people willing to put go with this treatment. Not losing out on much in terms of wages, would maybe like to know why exactly I was sacked but it probably comes down to the operations director just being a slime ball. Fucking sucks, I was loyal, worked 15 days straight once, I expected a little something back from my employers. Blames on me, should’ve known the type of arrangement it was and taken advantage of it where I could.

I know the animals from the amusement park will read this so I’ll explicitly say, the people with some seniority were all based (manager, pregnant one, ginger one, to a much lesser extent the old guy and crutches), guy who got fired for being creepy, black guy, two of the guys that quit/got fired were also alright but that was before the drama. Rest of them I don’t give a shit about or can go fuck themselves. The one who trained me was the nicest of all, she wasn’t a supervisor or anything so she didn’t have to be which makes me appreciate it all the more, quite eager to help out too, again, she didn’t have to.

Need to return my uniform for the deposit, next weekend, I guess, don’t want to see the manager, feel like he might be disappointed or disgusted by me. Pretty sure it was all down to the ops director cutting me loose.

At work I saw the friendly Polish guy, stuck up my hand to great him and mouthed “Hey”, he ignored me completely, looked down at his phone. Possible that he was offended by me not continuing to work in the arcade, believing I thought nothing of his friendliness. Other theory is that he was just performing his job well, making his subordinate/colleague feel comfortable and now that that is no longer my position, he no longer has any commitment to me. Choosing to believe the later is my preferred option, fuck him, he’s just like the rest.

Went 12-1 in the Hearthstone arena last night, proud accomplishment, today however I went 1-3.

Chinese Chad is still playing his guitar and singing, I can hear him from the other corner of the house, it’s annoying but it feels great knowing Chad is even more annoyed and he will absolutely reach his breaking point during the year.

Blog is public again because why the fuck not? Only went private to keep my job and spare peoples feelings.

Weekdays > Weekends

Work today, time went by slowly as I have lost the tolerance built up over the summer. It was cold and rainy too, fingers were close to numb, not a lot of customers, not a lot to do, unpleasant day. Left home early to visit the GP surgery and book an appointment, too my mild surprise, it was closed, not open on weekends, I suspected this, meant to check, so I only have myself to blame, will try calling in on Monday. I saw two work colleges walking in the other direction when I was off to the GPs, I expected this but was still uncomfortable, we could see each other for 30 seconds or so before we passed each other, didn’t know when the right time to speak up was. I waved, the guy said “You know work is that way?”, I responded “I know, I just have something to take care of this way” while flailing my hands.

Saw the Polish guy from the arcade, don’t know if he saw me, I hope he and the others don’t think I didn’t appreciate their friendliness and chose to quit.

Didn’t get one on one time with the ops director, no opportunity to ask for my hours in the arcade back.

Ate hummus, bought a sandwich from ASDA for work. Buying £4 bus tickets now my student card has expired.

No response from detective.

Forgot to wear deodorant.

My mum called, she received the hard copy of the letter my uni emailed to me regarding my hearing, the regulations violated and what I’ve been convicted of. She asked if I wanted her to open the letter, told her not to as I’ve already received a copy via email, I suspect she had already opened it. Didn’t realise my roommate was still in the kitchen, he must have heard me uttering the words “uni” and “hearing” at the very least, most likely was able to hear the entirety of what I had to say. Worried but I need to remember suspicions are worthless, he’s probably telling himself he misheard and if he isn’t, he cant prove anything, so this goes no further.

Just counting down the days

Despite going to sleep at 3am, I was able wake up alert and energised at around 9am. It’s convenient emptying pissbottles out of the window, little worried a roommate might see me from above, getting a bit anxious about doing even that now. Emptied around 2 litres onto the flower bed area beneath my window today, I’m sure this will have some effect on the area, hopefully make it unpleasant for Chad and his pals if he ever decides to host a party/BBQ like he was planning to.

I got a little dry mouthed waiting for the kitchen to free up, didn’t get a mug of water in the afternoon until after 6pm. Went out a little later to buy something to eat, got hummus and pitta bread, getting sick of it but I don’t know what else to do. Sweated just  little on my way back home, I took a glance upwards towards my roommates windows, saw Chad looking out also, don’t think we made eye contact but I don’t like that he was watching me walk. Went straight to my room once I got through the front door, listened carefully, once the coast was clear I went into the kitchen but before I could pop my bread into the microwave Chad came thundering down the stairs, I quickly stashed my food into a cupboard and began to leave thee room. Unfortunately I wasn’t quick enough, can’t remember if I was aware enough to greet hi however he told me he was heading into town, I replied “Good for you” and moved further out of the room, I had to slide past him, I don’t know why he entered the kitchen, the front door to leave the building is in the other direction. He said he hated getting dressed up, I didn’t respond, I didn’t know what to say, opened the door to my room, he tried opening the front door but was surprised it was locked, trying not to appear too rude, I made conversation regarding when and why to lock the doors, neither of us wanted to be talking, I shouldn’t have said anything, I didn’t know when to stop or turn my back so I kept going as to avoid coming across as antisocial. Didn’t last long, glad it’s over, hope it won’t happen again any time soon.

I ate after he had left.

The student union guy replied to me, just general stuff about how the hearing will go down, good info but nothing specific to my case. It’ll be informal, think that might make it harder for me to speak.

Will visit the GP tomorrow to set an appointment.

Couple of runs in the arena in Hearthstone, I’m enjoying collecting cards from packs to complete my collection more than anything. Watched another episode of Prison School, it’s a decent show.

Paid £90 off my fine because I’m worried about missing one of the repayment dates.

Work tomorrow, don’t feel like leaving my room for such a long period though, my body has gone soft, feet hurt walking down to ASDA. Pretty comfy right now, I’ve become accustomed to it, it’s not perfect but I’m OK with this, I do need another job but I’m not going to seriously look for one, I can survive as I am, I’m comfortable enough and I wouldn’t get anything anyway with the students coming back to the city.

Only have myself to blame

Good nights sleep again, masturbated to a femdom video before bed. Ate cereal when I got up but didn’t eat again until 8pm, microwaved cheese sandwiches, brown bread, still don’t have much of an appetite. I shaved, think I want to go into the misconduct hearing with a light beard.

Doorbell rang twice, it always makes my heart skip a beat, I worry it might be the police. Accepted a delivery for Chad and textbook from Chinese Chads friend. Short and easy exchanges.

Oven is broken.

Student Union guy replied to my email, offered to accompany me to the hearing, asked for more info, I gave him everything, links to the thread, the most recent letter and my arguments. He’s a student union guy, must be social and friendly, I should enjoy him by my side and I look forward to having someone “real” to discuss this matter with. Solicitor replied, nice of him to get back to me but his response was trash, “You’ll get your laptop back when the police are done with it”.

Played Hearthstone.

Spent most of the day browsing Darknet Markets. Bought some Bitcoin. Found what I needed, wish I had thought of this last year, would’ve saved me much pain and a I wouldn’t have a criminal record. It’s hilarious, I sometimes fantasise about being back in high school armed with the knowledge and experience I have now but really even stepping back a few months would have saved me a bit of aggro, I learn more every day. I’ll finally have what I originally wanted and more, it’ll all be over, no losers, everyone got what they wanted, I’ll be at peace, even now it relaxes me greatly knowing that I’ll certainly get my closure.

Roommates were out most of the day.

Day 3 of my reintroduction to NEETdom

Wok up late again today, masturbated in the morning and during the night which is something I rarely do, the night wank was especially satisfying, probably because I was groggy, felt as if an external force was present.

Shower, cereal. Hearthstone, /brit/, /britfeel/, 420chan, downloaded some more anime but didn’t watch any today, finished skimming Raw.

Still don’t have much of an appetite, went out to ASDA to buy something for dinner as my cupboard and freezer compartment are bare. Navigated past the McDonald’s, hopefully without being seen. I spotted a female who from behind resembled one of the Polish girls, same jacket, same backpack, same stick thin legs, I could only see her from behind so I hovered around the area for a while, picked some bananas, the last bunch I bought were forgotten about and rotted but I need to get something healthy into my diet. My heart was racing, I was feeling faint, couldn’t think how best to approach her, everything seemed to aggressive. She turned around, wasn’t her, her fashion sense was quite common after all. Not sure if disappointment or relief, I wasn’t in a good condition to interact with her, need to shave.

Wondered around ASDA, didn’t know what to buy, just picked up tortilla chips and dip. Felt disgusting after finishing them as usual.

Still angry, got a plan, tears will flow again. Really need my laptop back.

I’m not pissing out of the window anymore, I am now emptying full bottles out the window and filling them back up in my room, I was anxious about being seen.

A roommate vacuumed the upstairs hallway. They spoke to each other multiple times again today, I’m relatively safe in my room, just wait for it to pass but I feel bad knowing they’d like a third man to add to their dynamic.

Chinese Chad knocked on my door, I was lying in bed in my underpants, scrambled to get up, let out an involuntary grunt before opening the door, I am comfortable with Chinese Chad seeing me in my underpants and a T-shirt, I don’t know why I am so comfortable around him compared to others but I am, if I had to guess it would be because he comes across as nice and honest. When I answered the door he asked if I was sleeping, said “Resting”, not sure what distinction I was trying to make, maybe being vague and confusing was the intention. The wonderful young man offered me cookies, they were those “reduced” ones, were going off tomorrow. Took one, he insisted I take the other too, usual banter “you’d be doing me a favour”, “well if you insist” etc. Said some unclear stuff about being unable to find reduced goods in ASDA, a decent exchange apart from that.

A guy spectated two of my Hearthstone arena games, threw me off, didn’t like being watched or having to converse. Maybe if I was at least prepared.

My body feels fine now I’ve had a lengthy resting period.

I’m trying not to think about the misconduct hearing because whenever I do I’m starting to imagine the worst, I have no answers for the likely questions I’ll be asked.

I don’t like feeling like this, I don’t want to feel like this, it’s not my fault

I went to sleep late last night so I stayed in bed for a while today, heard my roommates leave for badminton, got up a little after that. Ate cereal, put my urine soaked clothes into the washing machine and then vacuumed my room, the hallway and the kitchen. I felt much more comfortable being in a clean room, I can see the carpet now, I’m going to be here for a few more days now so comfort is top priority. I cleaned the shared living areas so my roommates wouldn’t hold negative attitudes towards me.

Checked Facebook for the first time in months, I don’t know why, it was just something to do to kill time. What I saw infuriated me, the Polish girls are now friends, it was a very recent thing too. I’m the only thing that bonds them so they must have added each other to talk about me. I felt anger because I wanted a relationship with the two of them but my actions have instead formed a relationship between the two females, it’s worse than a regular case of people having what I want, it’s as if they’re mocking me.

This ruined my whole day, I can’t help but wonder what words they exchange, what they’re up to, it’s not a stalker thing or a sexual thing, they’re just people I’m interested in d want to know more about, like when I was a kid, I’d want to know about the personal lives and behaviours of pro-wrestlers. I know they’re talking about me, it’s the only thing they can talk about, are they celebrating how they hurt me, seemingly knocked me down? Or are they talking of regrets? Perhaps they are suggesting how to spend their £20 victims surcharge? Do they even know there isn’t going to be a trial? 

I was angry at them, white hot anger, but it has weakened over time, now I’m just pathetically obsessed again. Looking at the accounts or pics again might bring back the anger, it’s better to feel rage, I feel as if I can at least act on that and get the corresponding closure. Being obsessed has no happy ending. I really can’t take the idea that they won, I lost and this is all over. Really needed that job to keep myself busy, soon as I had an overabundance of free time, I naturally dedicated a few minutes to checking in on them. Going to try begging to have it back.

Least I’m in their heads, that’s good.

Played Hearthstone on and off for most of the day, like most days, got to rank 9, I’m pleased with that.

Friend texted to ask if we’re cool, I said we were, he understood I was upset so I guess he doesn’t hate me.

Emailed detective to ask how much protection my disclaimer offers me. Couldn’t find the right words to ask if I can contact either of the girls.

Lost my appetite after my discovery, only had the potato after breakfast. Not hungry at all. Was able to grab it when my roommates went out for the second time. Roommates talk often, multiple times daily, not used to this, usually my roommates would rarely chat.

Started pissing out the window, did it 3 times, much tidier than using bottles. Bit worried about roommates seeing me from above.

Spent almost the entire day wearing nothing but my boxers, can’t be comfy while wearing clothes.

Started watching anime again, picked two shows I thought I might be able to relate to, dropped Denpa Kyoushi quickly after realising it wasn’t going to linger on NEETdom. The other show however was exactly what I needed, Prison School, peeping on girls in the shower, suspension from classes, femdom, it was as if the show was made for me.

A real cunt move to wait the full 10 days before setting a date for the hearing and another 10 for it to actually take place.

Uni got in touch, misconduct hearing will be on the 18th, my course coordinator, the head of the business school (Teaches ethics) and some woman who sends emails out will be present. Two females, one male, they were the ones to speak to my classmate. Dreading being outnumbered 3 to 1, I’ll surely be anxious and unable to mount any traction with my arguments or confidently put forth counter points. Can’t think of much to put towards them other than this was all a satirical creative writing project to help me get my thoughts in order and it was never meant to be read. They’re the ones who screwed me initially, only giving me a fair shot now because of my persistence, probably expected me to fade away, go back home, kill myself or get a custodial sentence. They’ll see now though that they made a mistake, finally engage with me, see how human I am, I’ll tell them how I’ve matured and tried to get my life in order.

Allowed to bring 2 witnesses of my own, friend turned me down, said he didn’t want any involvement with the stuff. Puzzles me why his sympathy and kindness end here when I’m actually asking for it. Got more than I deserved out of him anyway, I’m a boring cunt, friendship was one sided, I contributed absolutely nothing. The relationship made me anxious too so good riddance. Might try advertising for some local robots to accompany me.

Didn’t leave the house or talk to anyone, took my roommates a while to leave but even when they were here they kept the volume down. Good day, could do with vacuuming since I’m going to be here until the weekend. I didn’t do anything but I felt comfortable for most of the day.

Another piss related mishap.

Arcade job was a cushy gig, regret having fucked that up. I liked the people that worked there too, old change counter guy, qt super nice Polish supervisor, older guys from the park. One of the arcade/park workers told me yesterday if I needed the bathroom to tell him, he’d cover for me, such a nice guy, shame we won’t be spending as much time together as I’d expected, he probably doesn’t know I’ve been canned either.

Jacket, cereal and microwaved cheese sandwiches were my meals today.

Pay up

Noticed scribbles on my clocking in card, because I hadn’t clocked in on the Monday and my note explaining had been misunderstood, I had only been marked as having worked one hour. I knew I was in the right here and could easily explain/prove my story so without hesitation I took my card to the manager. He glanced at it, called my notes gibberish, I tried explaining twice, I didn’t know what exact words to use, we came to an understanding eventually.

Work was fine but it is now confirmed that I won’t be getting any more work in the arcade. The free weekdays will be fun for a while, a little holiday but I need to focus on getting a new job or not as it’s probably impossible now students are arriving back in the city. Can’t compete with Stacy or the legions of foreigners who will be perceived as harder, more disciplined workers.

I haven’t contacted either of the Polish girls, worried I’d be arrested on the spot, not that I even really care much about either of them anymore. Just like everything else, leaving the memories alone has near expunged the addiction.

Generally upbeat, looking forward to time to relax.

Ate the same foods as yesterday.