Missing the forest for the trees

My screw-up from yesterday was nothing, I resolved it in about a minute. No consequences at all.

The real screw-ups were the ones I wasn’t even aware of, one back in June and another earlier in the month,  together I’ve cost the company around £500, my team coach had to have a chat with me, had to formalise the fact I’d been made aware of what I’d done though she was cool about it, understood I hadn’t been sufficiently trained. It altered my mood, I’m still down but I was thinking of quitting earlier as I realised how little agency I actually had, there are no plans to train me, if I need things doing, I don’t ask my manager/coach, I just have to do it in the longest and most tedious way possible. I don’t even get what the point of me doing this job is.

I feel heightened anxiety because now I don’t know how many errors to expect, every email I send is potentially an error, I just can’t see them.

I spoke to the woman sitting next to me a little, poor communication, I need to work on speaking clearly and not responding in a defensive way, it kills the conversation before it even gets started. She asked what I was doing, I just responded that I’m in talks with IT. Should’ve told her my problem.

On the way out of work, I think I looked at someone in a creepy way, I just wanted to know who was walking beside me, my peripheral vision sucks because of my hair.

I enjoy Black Sabbath.

Considering getting laser on my hands. Should’ve started months ago.

Need to buy clothes for the colder weather.

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Responsibility with a handicap

Work was quiet, just me and one other guy in the department were in today, he’s the guy who sits opposite me. He made some attempts to communicate but I squandered them, they were work relates icebreakers but my responses weren’t good enough for different reasons each time, my comments reflected badly on myself or I didn’t express myself well enough and was unclear. He spoke about NETFLIX shows to the lone person in working social media today, he’s into Star Wars but I had nothing to jump in with.

I was able to keep on top of work to the best of my abilities but I’m still lacking the knowledge to perform one semi-vital action on the system, at first I was just mildly annoyed that no one taught me this but now I’m upset, I discovered the quirky guy knows how to do it, I don’t know who taught him but I feel as if I’m valued less. I’m just going to irritate my manger/coach by asking them to do stuff for me and maybe even screw up a little to drive home the point that I can’t do this thing that I was never taught to do and how do they expect me to do my job properly? It’s really making me unhappy, it makes my life more difficult but no one seems to care. Bitterness is another emotion I’m feeling, perhaps the strongest.

Messed up at the end of the day, when I was the only person in the department left, it should go undiscovered though. A guy asked me something, I needed him to repeat himself 3 times, I shouldn’t have needed that, I feel as if I hurt his feelings and insulted him. It was just one word I struggled with.

At home I saw my sister watching Strictly Come Dancing in SD, I picked up the remote next to her and switched it to HD, she was annoyed for some reason and switched it back to SD out of spite, in retaliation I pulled the TV aerial from the box, she went upstairs. At the end of the day we were on better terms, shared some laughs.

I overheard a conversation, the trans person was fired and coworkers were being mean to them. I wonder what could have been the cause of the firing if others are aware of it and assume they didn’t just quit like I did? Tragic that due to my poor social skills this mystery will forever go unsolved.

Broken

I had an argument with my sisters about the new TV, after an hour of shouting and upsetting them, I became upset, I went into my room and cried for an hour, my mother and sisters entered my room individually every 5-10 minutes but that just triggered more tears. I eventually came down and the new television was set up, the picture quality seems worse and it leans forward.

I really want to book tickets for some kind of event and attended with my sisters. Possibly Circus of Horrors.

I’m hating more people at work. I don’t like how I’m the only loner. The trans person seems to be a loner now too though.

Quitting Time

I’ve massively fucked up at work, it’s causing me extreme distress and I’m going to need to ask someone for help. I have no idea how to do certain things while working on emails, this is a problem as I’m now being assigned specific emails to work on. This is the type of thing I could quit over.

Guy spoke to me, the chocolate guy who said he didn’t hate me, just small talk, I gave pointless and generic responses. The trans person is back, but not the other people who started around the same time as her. I wanted to speak to her, say I thought she’d quit in a joking way.

Definitely buying clothes on Saturday when I can use a library computer.

The woman at Gregg’s was nice, informed me I could get a bigger water bottle to go with my tuna sandwich. I need to stop eating in public, chances of being seen by coworkers is too high.

Kinda winning the battle

The trip to court was maximum comfy, because the train was an hour late, I was moved from a seat to a bed, so I had an easy time getting to sleep, the moving train and slight sound of pounding rain made the experience perfect. When I arrived, it was later than scheduled, so I had to run to my solicitors office and then back to the train once I realised I’d forgotten my phone. I had a bit of banter with the train attendant, I said I forgot my phone, he asked why I did that and then I replied “because I’m an idiot”.

The meeting with my solicitor went well, turns out the prosecution have finally shared the “evidence” they’ve gathered, it’s 453 pages of desperation, over half of it is just this blog and even the comments. My solicitor suspected the prosecution would try to call the trial in 4 days so we’d ask for it to be adjured to give him time to look it over.

I killed an hour in Waterstones, looked at manga and considered buying DC comics playing cards and Dragonball manga. Back at the court house, the Romanian/Bulgarian working there was rude again but this time I gave him some sass back and reminded him how powerless he was. I played Yokai watch while waiting to be called into court, I took a trip to the bathroom too, when asking for the location the male receptionist was thrown by my use of the word “bathroom” and I had to clarify that I meant toilet, when leaving he muttered “toilet” and laughed.

 When I was called into court, I wasn’t sure where to sit, normally I’d go straight into the dock but there were people sitting there, I sat there anyway even though those in the gallery and the accused I sat with were telling me sit somewhere else, they pointed to a specific seat. I moved when I court worker person advised me.

I was soon enough called to the dock, my solicitor asked for the trial to be adjured, the prosecution agreed, they said they had 20 devices to investigate (they previously thought it was 15), mentioned the cybercrime guy tasked to my case was on leave for 2 weeks and he estimated it would take 2/3 days to investigate my stuff (that’s what I heard). They agreed the case should be adjured. I guess the 453 pages of crap is just a tactic on their part to confuse and buy time. At this point I started whispering my solicitors name, I wanted him to ask I be excused from future intermediate diets, I did eventually get his attention even though I got his name wrong (he’s part of a two man team), the court worker from earlier was the one who got his attention for me. He swiftly asked I be excused since I live so far away and it was accepted.

I then left after hearing the trial diet would be July and the actual trial August.

I spent an hour in the city before leaving, I ate McDonald’s for breakfast and bought 2 shirts and buffalo shirt and black stretch slim fit jeans, I couldn’t find size 30 waist so settled for 28 waist and 30 leg. Near £30 spent and on the long trip home I played Yokai Watch again. The only notable sights were, a hon, an incestuous father and daughter (she rubbed her foot against his groin) and 3 pakis with similar haircuts and beards taking about football, seemed like nice guys though. Felt bad for the hon, someone moved away from her after sitting next to her initially.

Ate poorly at home.

Error count still rising

Work was fine, I asked fewer queries than usual, I even had two exchanges with those seated near me. I may have massively fucked up and it’s going to get discovered soon, there were also some other fuck ups that were just discovered today I had to have a chat about. I suppose the only moment of anxiety throughout the day was at the start, I dropped my coat on the floor near the coat hanger as usual, I was approached and advised of company policy to hang coats and was pointed to alternate places to hang my coat, I’ll have to comply.

There’s another person at work I cant tell if they’re a pre-HRT trans person, long hair, nose stud, short and skinny but bad skin, always dresses in black, possibly just a style thing though s/he seems very meek. Think I heard someone calling them “Anna”, not sure though.

Bought my train tickets to court so that’s 25% of my wage on travel, and about 15% on stuff like clothes, vidya and food. I should probably stop buying stuff until I get excused from court. Could still do with a phone or something to listen to music to and from work, maybe look at new shoes again or thick black glasses.

Mum got me a large chocolate reindeer.

Lost 4 Hearthstone games in a row.

Soft workday

Not many people working on a Saturday, it’s clear why they’ll give me a long rope before firing me. Kinda comfy, I suppose, comfy in the sense that having fewer people around doesn’t flare my anxiety as much. LittleKuriboh was nice and helpful again, I think we’re on the same rota.

There was a moment at the end of the day when I felt awkward, I tried to interject myself into a conversation due to having relevant info (work related), I kinda shouted out twice but was ignored, this was in the middle of the office, I hope I flew under everyone elses radar too but it doesn’t feel like I did. The guy who ignored me was a nice person who previously tried speaking to me, I think he spoke to me today too, in the morning, I wasn’t 100% sure he was speaking to me and I didn’t know how to respond so I ignored him.

My Digimon game arrived, played a little, nice rush of nostalgia since I spent a good amount of time playing Digimon World 1 in my youth.

Skipped lunch but ate poorly afterwards. Watched Simpsons during my break.