Quitting Time

I’ve massively fucked up at work, it’s causing me extreme distress and I’m going to need to ask someone for help. I have no idea how to do certain things while working on emails, this is a problem as I’m now being assigned specific emails to work on. This is the type of thing I could quit over.

Guy spoke to me, the chocolate guy who said he didn’t hate me, just small talk, I gave pointless and generic responses. The trans person is back, but not the other people who started around the same time as her. I wanted to speak to her, say I thought she’d quit in a joking way.

Definitely buying clothes on Saturday when I can use a library computer.

The woman at Gregg’s was nice, informed me I could get a bigger water bottle to go with my tuna sandwich. I need to stop eating in public, chances of being seen by coworkers is too high.

Kinda winning the battle

The trip to court was maximum comfy, because the train was an hour late, I was moved from a seat to a bed, so I had an easy time getting to sleep, the moving train and slight sound of pounding rain made the experience perfect. When I arrived, it was later than scheduled, so I had to run to my solicitors office and then back to the train once I realised I’d forgotten my phone. I had a bit of banter with the train attendant, I said I forgot my phone, he asked why I did that and then I replied “because I’m an idiot”.

The meeting with my solicitor went well, turns out the prosecution have finally shared the “evidence” they’ve gathered, it’s 453 pages of desperation, over half of it is just this blog and even the comments. My solicitor suspected the prosecution would try to call the trial in 4 days so we’d ask for it to be adjured to give him time to look it over.

I killed an hour in Waterstones, looked at manga and considered buying DC comics playing cards and Dragonball manga. Back at the court house, the Romanian/Bulgarian working there was rude again but this time I gave him some sass back and reminded him how powerless he was. I played Yokai watch while waiting to be called into court, I took a trip to the bathroom too, when asking for the location the male receptionist was thrown by my use of the word “bathroom” and I had to clarify that I meant toilet, when leaving he muttered “toilet” and laughed.

 When I was called into court, I wasn’t sure where to sit, normally I’d go straight into the dock but there were people sitting there, I sat there anyway even though those in the gallery and the accused I sat with were telling me sit somewhere else, they pointed to a specific seat. I moved when I court worker person advised me.

I was soon enough called to the dock, my solicitor asked for the trial to be adjured, the prosecution agreed, they said they had 20 devices to investigate (they previously thought it was 15), mentioned the cybercrime guy tasked to my case was on leave for 2 weeks and he estimated it would take 2/3 days to investigate my stuff (that’s what I heard). They agreed the case should be adjured. I guess the 453 pages of crap is just a tactic on their part to confuse and buy time. At this point I started whispering my solicitors name, I wanted him to ask I be excused from future intermediate diets, I did eventually get his attention even though I got his name wrong (he’s part of a two man team), the court worker from earlier was the one who got his attention for me. He swiftly asked I be excused since I live so far away and it was accepted.

I then left after hearing the trial diet would be July and the actual trial August.

I spent an hour in the city before leaving, I ate McDonald’s for breakfast and bought 2 shirts and buffalo shirt and black stretch slim fit jeans, I couldn’t find size 30 waist so settled for 28 waist and 30 leg. Near £30 spent and on the long trip home I played Yokai Watch again. The only notable sights were, a hon, an incestuous father and daughter (she rubbed her foot against his groin) and 3 pakis with similar haircuts and beards taking about football, seemed like nice guys though. Felt bad for the hon, someone moved away from her after sitting next to her initially.

Ate poorly at home.

Error count still rising

Work was fine, I asked fewer queries than usual, I even had two exchanges with those seated near me. I may have massively fucked up and it’s going to get discovered soon, there were also some other fuck ups that were just discovered today I had to have a chat about. I suppose the only moment of anxiety throughout the day was at the start, I dropped my coat on the floor near the coat hanger as usual, I was approached and advised of company policy to hang coats and was pointed to alternate places to hang my coat, I’ll have to comply.

There’s another person at work I cant tell if they’re a pre-HRT trans person, long hair, nose stud, short and skinny but bad skin, always dresses in black, possibly just a style thing though s/he seems very meek. Think I heard someone calling them “Anna”, not sure though.

Bought my train tickets to court so that’s 25% of my wage on travel, and about 15% on stuff like clothes, vidya and food. I should probably stop buying stuff until I get excused from court. Could still do with a phone or something to listen to music to and from work, maybe look at new shoes again or thick black glasses.

Mum got me a large chocolate reindeer.

Lost 4 Hearthstone games in a row.

Soft workday

Not many people working on a Saturday, it’s clear why they’ll give me a long rope before firing me. Kinda comfy, I suppose, comfy in the sense that having fewer people around doesn’t flare my anxiety as much. LittleKuriboh was nice and helpful again, I think we’re on the same rota.

There was a moment at the end of the day when I felt awkward, I tried to interject myself into a conversation due to having relevant info (work related), I kinda shouted out twice but was ignored, this was in the middle of the office, I hope I flew under everyone elses radar too but it doesn’t feel like I did. The guy who ignored me was a nice person who previously tried speaking to me, I think he spoke to me today too, in the morning, I wasn’t 100% sure he was speaking to me and I didn’t know how to respond so I ignored him.

My Digimon game arrived, played a little, nice rush of nostalgia since I spent a good amount of time playing Digimon World 1 in my youth.

Skipped lunch but ate poorly afterwards. Watched Simpsons during my break.

Fuck off then, vermin

My training officially ended Friday and today I started my rota without dedicated support. There are systems in place, people to ask if you don’t know what to do but I’m not familiar enough with titles and names. Fortunately today went well, in the first two hours on the phone I was an absolute beast, 10 calls an hour but then as the day progressed, I slowed, some 15 minute calls. Not asking for help also lead me to make some questionable decisions that I may get called up on.

As training is over, two of my coworkers moved to another desk, just me and one other guy there now (DnD), I feel sorry for him, that he’s still around me. I resent the others for leaving but shouldn’t, I’m glad they’re gone actually but I still feel bitter.

Ate poorly when I got back from work, I don’t know why it’s so hard, I should be too tired to eat, never mind binge. The worst thing I ate today were croissants with chocolate spread and peanut butter.

Played some Hearthstone, rank 11, playing Renomage.

Tuesday

Roommates went out to play badminton again, they brought back Chads brother, got a little anxious when I heard them but luckily I did not have to lay eyes on any of them during the entire day. Looked up what panic attacks are and I believe I do suffer from them, around people, sweating is the most common symptom for me and while alone, thinking of potential uncomfortable situations, my heart rate increases and breathing becomes unpleasant.

Watched Raw today. The PPV looks somewhat fun. Watched the Mayweather fight on Sunday. Nothing remarkable anywhere.

Played Hearthstone, 3 Arena runs, not happy I keep pulling bad cards, fills the collection at least.

Chinese Chad knocked on my door last night, took a minute for me to get up and pull on my pants, the delay in opening the door probably makes him think I’m weird. Asked if I’d be in on Thursday, gotta let the gas man in or something. Conversation was to the point and short. I tried reaching for the hallway light on the wrong side of the door, he laughed. He laughs often, wonder if it’s a nervous laugh or a polite one.

The animals from work read my blog yesterday and again today, either them or the Poles.

Will tell the doctor about my pissbottles and anxiety tomorrow. Maybe about the obsessiveness. Not sure of the exact words I want to use.

Not bought weed as I was unable to find a cheap enough UK supplier (though they are still cheaper than local street rates, I’m being told I’m being ripped off), haven’t been able to get a rec yet either.

Ate cereal, hummus, few cookies with milk. Hit the pissbottles 3 times.

I’m not feeling down, still enjoying not having any obligations for a while.

NEET life is alright

I felt anxious last night, couldn’t force myself to go to bed until 3am. Felt anxious and down most of today too, not sure what exactly the problem is since I’m trying to avoid thinking about my dilemmas. Due to the feelings I’m having I’ve lost my appetite again, only ate two meals, cereal when I woke up and hummus late afternoon.

While in the shower I heard someone loudly knock the door twice and then ring the bell, my heart skipped a few beats as always when I someone at the door, worry it could be the police again, especially on edge this time as the knocks were real professional. Roommate answered it. Turns out it was just a delivery man.

I called up the GP surgery I’m registered with, booked an appointment, this Wednesday since there was a cancellation. The phone conversation was quick and to the point, I said what I wanted (to see a GP), they corrected me (to see a doctor) and asked for my details. That was it. Not long enough to get worked up over and my roommates weren’t home so I could speak comfortably. Not sure what to say to the doctor, I’ll plan tomorrow.

Pissed out of the window a couple of times, pissed myself once, roommates were about. Need to empty several pissbottles next time I have the place to myself to avoid this happening again. Washed my clothes though.

Pretty good at the Arena in Hearthstone now, can devote more time to it and claim more rewards now. Feel accomplished and have a sense of purpose. Spent most of the day sitting/laying in my bed.

Going home for a few days next week, should be alright, get some pizza and other paki take away stuff.

Enjoying the bottle of Pepsi I bought yesterday.