Despite not going to work today, that was all I could think about – my failure from yesterday and the repercussions it can and will have. Work was once the only help I needed to keep me sated, it completely distracted me from everything that would normally get me down but now it is the main source of my misery. I felt tortured the entire day, the negative thoughts and fear were constant, quitting seems more and more likely. Fantasies of suicide resurfaced.
I didn’t even gain a lengthy escape via sleep since I needed to wake before 10am to attend my dentist appointment, had some X-rays, paid £20 and made another appointment for next month for the fillings I was supposed to get over a year ago. Couldn’t bring myself to pay extra for the “white” filings.
Ate 3 packets of crisps for breakfast, mum bought me McDonalds and I bought myself an Arizonas burger meal later in the day.
Played a lot of Pokemon GO, there’s an event running.
I’ve started watching season 7 of Game of Thrones, missed it while it was airing since I didn’t have laptop access.
The LotR/Hobbit extended editions Blu-ray box set that I bought for my sisters has arrived. It has a pleasant appearance and as usual, I got a kick from buying something.
There’s officially a problem with that job I tried to apply to so I can be down on myself for not completing it yet. Instead I watched a bit of DragonBall Super, played Hearthstone and constructed 5 pages of notes for my “discussion” with the call centre head. After finishing up, I realised that this may be a case of discrimination based on gender, with one exception, she had shown favourable treatment to women on the team. Myself and the quirky guy to my knowledge have not received any benefits comparable to female co-workers who as far as I can tell do an equal or inferior job.
My 5 pages include an opening statement about favouritism/cronyism copied from the internet, the outcomes I want from this discussion, the problems with Stacy, a list of biased/discriminatory actions taken by my manager and lastly just a handful of general issues I have related to my original complaint.
Not sure how to follow up my previous email. Something along the lines of “I have been producing notes relating my managers behaviour and decisions over the last 3 months and have concluded that she as potentially discriminated based on gender as there appears to be a pattern of behaviour where she gives preferential treatment to female co-workers. At the moment, this is just what it appears to me based on my observations, I am open to being proved wrong. During my “discussion” with the call centre head, I ask that he bring along facts and figures advising on why X decisions were made in favour of female co-workers.”
Looking forward to some drama. If this fails I can go to an employment tribunal, that’ll scare ’em.
Even ignoring the above, my day was incredibly productive, I made several phone calls sorting out mobile phone contract issues, arranging a dentist appointment and sorting out my Pokebank by calling Nintendo.
My mum is repeatedly checking up on me throughout the day to ensure I’m alive and not up to mischief.
I bought couple of tickets for an upcoming football game, hoping to take someone from 4chan. They were more expensive than Hearthstone card, put it into perspective.
I did bare minimum at work even though my manager is still giving me easy stuff to do. Not much out of the ordinary or conversations. The quirky guy shot some more mean banter my way when he caught me in the break room, I’m starting to question whether he has his own way of being nice/communicating or if he really is just kinda mean. I watched Power Rangers in the break room on the television during break, seems like a pretty cool series, pirate themed and they can use the powers of rangers from previous series. Guy made a joke about the series not being racist anymore. I also joined in a conversation about internal promotion assessments.
Hit my target within 4 hours and spent the remaining 3 hours of my shift just chilling and watching WWE. The Ultimate Deletion was fun, even if it was just a retread of the original.
I overate, chocolate cookies in addition to a wrap at lunch.
I’m beginning to see how corrupt this place is, it’s a shame I can’t really exploit them since I’m using underhand means to discover their bad behaviours.
I played Final Fantasy XII for 8-9 hours. That was my day, the only other activity I took part in was watching TV with my family from 6pm-10pm.
My Dallas Cowboys cap arrived, it doesn’t suit me, my sister and mother confirmed. It’s a nice cap though.
Big decision to make tomorrow on whether to stick with laser or swap to Electro. Got a GP appointment too, I’m still fatigued but I’m not down as often as I used to be. Finding an addiction might have something to do with it.
My screw-up from yesterday was nothing, I resolved it in about a minute. No consequences at all.
The real screw-ups were the ones I wasn’t even aware of, one back in June and another earlier in the month, together I’ve cost the company around £500, my team coach had to have a chat with me, had to formalise the fact I’d been made aware of what I’d done though she was cool about it, understood I hadn’t been sufficiently trained. It altered my mood, I’m still down but I was thinking of quitting earlier as I realised how little agency I actually had, there are no plans to train me, if I need things doing, I don’t ask my manager/coach, I just have to do it in the longest and most tedious way possible. I don’t even get what the point of me doing this job is.
I feel heightened anxiety because now I don’t know how many errors to expect, every email I send is potentially an error, I just can’t see them.
I spoke to the woman sitting next to me a little, poor communication, I need to work on speaking clearly and not responding in a defensive way, it kills the conversation before it even gets started. She asked what I was doing, I just responded that I’m in talks with IT. Should’ve told her my problem.
On the way out of work, I think I looked at someone in a creepy way, I just wanted to know who was walking beside me, my peripheral vision sucks because of my hair.
I enjoy Black Sabbath.
Considering getting laser on my hands. Should’ve started months ago.
Need to buy clothes for the colder weather.
Work was quiet, just me and one other guy in the department were in today, he’s the guy who sits opposite me. He made some attempts to communicate but I squandered them, they were work relates icebreakers but my responses weren’t good enough for different reasons each time, my comments reflected badly on myself or I didn’t express myself well enough and was unclear. He spoke about NETFLIX shows to the lone person in working social media today, he’s into Star Wars but I had nothing to jump in with.
I was able to keep on top of work to the best of my abilities but I’m still lacking the knowledge to perform one semi-vital action on the system, at first I was just mildly annoyed that no one taught me this but now I’m upset, I discovered the quirky guy knows how to do it, I don’t know who taught him but I feel as if I’m valued less. I’m just going to irritate my manger/coach by asking them to do stuff for me and maybe even screw up a little to drive home the point that I can’t do this thing that I was never taught to do and how do they expect me to do my job properly? It’s really making me unhappy, it makes my life more difficult but no one seems to care. Bitterness is another emotion I’m feeling, perhaps the strongest.
Messed up at the end of the day, when I was the only person in the department left, it should go undiscovered though. A guy asked me something, I needed him to repeat himself 3 times, I shouldn’t have needed that, I feel as if I hurt his feelings and insulted him. It was just one word I struggled with.
At home I saw my sister watching Strictly Come Dancing in SD, I picked up the remote next to her and switched it to HD, she was annoyed for some reason and switched it back to SD out of spite, in retaliation I pulled the TV aerial from the box, she went upstairs. At the end of the day we were on better terms, shared some laughs.
I overheard a conversation, the trans person was fired and coworkers were being mean to them. I wonder what could have been the cause of the firing if others are aware of it and assume they didn’t just quit like I did? Tragic that due to my poor social skills this mystery will forever go unsolved.
I had an argument with my sisters about the new TV, after an hour of shouting and upsetting them, I became upset, I went into my room and cried for an hour, my mother and sisters entered my room individually every 5-10 minutes but that just triggered more tears. I eventually came down and the new television was set up, the picture quality seems worse and it leans forward.
I really want to book tickets for some kind of event and attended with my sisters. Possibly Circus of Horrors.
I’m hating more people at work. I don’t like how I’m the only loner. The trans person seems to be a loner now too though.