How to fill a cup without a tap?

I woke up at 10am, pretty much exactly the same time I would’ve woken up if I had work to go to today. I started off my listening to some YouTube videos and playing a small amount of Magic Arena, I only got one win when playing draft. My dad came into my room and interrupted me doing nothing, yet I still didn’t have the time for him, for some reason. He wanted me to buy a new “shower pipe”, since the part of the shower that connects the head to the taps is damaged, he told me to cut my hair as he does during every conversation we have and then he just stared off into space as he sat on the edge of my bed.Like last time, he asked if I was fasting and if I was Muslim, he took it more seriously when I said that I wasn’t this time but it didn’t result in a meaningful conversation. He took a call while he was here too, he’s angry about something, I think he has problems.

It was around 1pm now and I decided to change my bedsheets and shower, I replaced the penguin duvet with a solid red one. The shower was difficult due to reason I mentioned earlier, I had to strangle the tube between the head and taps to get any water to come and I couldn’t raise it too high. It’s ridiculous that my sister has deluded herself into thinking the top floor shower is hers. I applied this leave-in conditioner for curly hair for the first time, not sure if I applied enough of if it’s made a difference.

I was bored for a while longer before I watched the most recent episode of JoJo and since the PS4 was on, I tried to play APEX legends but couldn’t get passed the tutorial, the left analogue stick wouldn’t move my character. I went on to delete it. I shopped for new video games but there’s nothing of note out there. It soon turned to 6 o’clock, I downloaded “Pokemon: The Power of Us” and streamed it via my PS4, it wasn’t anywhere near as good as the previous one but still easily among the best Pokemon films.

The day was now almost done, though it had never started. I just had no idea what to do, it didn’t help that it was a Sunday. I also feel like my self esteem has been severely knocked since coming out to my family, I don’t want to go out presenting as male but I also feel like I can’t present as female now.

Tomorrow, I’ll go to the city, it’s a weekday so everything will be open and all day too. I’ll also be able to finally close that savings account. Tomorrow is the day of one of those weekly Magic the Gathering events, I’m nervous about attending.

I’m thinking about travelling abroad but it won’t make a me a more interesting and complete person, I don’t know what will.


The end draws near

I chose to wore a female shirt, coat and trainers today, it picked up mood but I did feel a little more self conscious. It’s the first time I dressed like this since training ended. My insecurity was made worse by me having a cold, it made my voice deeper and more masculine.

A woman I haven’t spoken to before sat next to me, I couldn’t carry a conversation with her, we disagreed about whether the issue with the slow programs we were using was the internet/servers or just bad coding. She also saw me close a /britfeel/ window, she saw a Pepe and said it was scary, I countered her by saying some would call it cute or funny. During lunch, I had a larger meal than usual, still under 500 calories though.

The day got quieter, I don’t think I screwed up this time, so that’s nice.

Ping-pong guy and I got to chat a bit at the end of the day when the woman sitting between us left, he told me that another woman we work with is a grass and I should be wary around her. I agreed with him, as that is what you’re supposed to do when trying to get on with someone.

At home, I ate my favourite meal, rice. I then played/watched “The Walking Dead: The Final Season”. I finished episode 1, there are a total of four, so an episode a day and I’ll be done by the end of the week. I have no new video games to play after this.

kik x2


I’ve entered a couple of conversations with guys on kik, so I might find a friend soon. My hopes are still grounded though, time will tell.

Work was hellish, I was on the phones all day due to a surprising surge in the number of calls. I lost my patience a few times and after hitting one customer with heavy sarcasm, they then made it clear they’ll be complaining about me. Just as well that I plan to leave soon. The day was less lonely as I sat next to a guy I’ve spoken to a few times before, he doesn’t have a defining enough characteristic for me to come up with a nickname. We still do not have anything in common.

On the way back I avoided getting a burger, the temptation was strong but my willpower was stronger. This proved to be pointless though as at home my mother had prepared a homemade burger and I chose to eat two packets of crisps and four mini brownies alongside it. Due to skipping lunch, I might have broken even.

I played a little more “Red Dead Redemption 2”, it feels like it will take a whole month or more to finish this game.

Late entry from last night

Today was uneventful, I sat down and got to work, having some more money in the bank is probably a good thing. I was rude to another customer, I refused to let her speak to a manger still waiting to be called up for the previous one, so maybe nothing will come of this on either.

I sat next to a gay guy, we sat together a few times before, we talk a little, he’s made it quite clear he’s gay, the last time he said that his new nickname should be “faggot” and today he said he didn’t want to look too camp. He’s friendly but I’m low energy at work, I don’t have it in me to carry meaningful conversations.

I listened back to my voice after a cool, I can’t get over how repulsive it is, I sound very paki. I’m surprised anyone would want to talk to me since it would mean hearing me speak. I don’t think there’s anyway to correct this, I’ve been told that different races have different mouth shapes, so changing my voice may not be possible.

At home I played “Red Dead Redemption 2” for 4 hours and ate lasagne, I’ve barely moved the story along, just doing side quests instead. On the other hand I logged into Hearthstone for the first time in weeks, I missed out on last months rewards since I didn’t even win 5 games.

I’ll start working towards tomorrow by the end of the month

The day went by in the blink of an eye, I couldn’t enough “Red Dead Redemption 2”, it’s just such a relaxing experience that I want more of. Now that I’ve picked up most of the reasonably attainable miscellaneous trophies, I can concentrate on enjoying the game even more. However, it really is such a shame that I wasn’t able to do more with my now limited free time.

My cousin keeps contacting me to arrange a time to buy paki clothes for her wedding. It’s still over two months away, I don’t get what the rush is.

My father returned from Pakistan, we only spoke for a minute or so.

My sister is considering skipping classes and coming home from university so we can watch the new Avengers film together as we did with all the other ones in the series. I think it better that we just delay seeing it for a few a few days.

I’ve kept up my IPL routine for quite a while now and I’m seeing results. Hair growth at the very least has been noticeably slowed and in some areas doesn’t seem to grow at all anymore.

Some guys have contacted me on Discord again, one of them claims to live nearby and wants to be friends, I’m not sure I believe him.


The day was as uneventful as the ones before it, due to the lack of any training plan, I’m mostly just sitting down and staring at a screen listening to other speak while being paid for my troubles. I tend to get back from lunch a couple of minutes early, when I do, the next set of people to enter the room ask me if I’ve been there through my entire lunch, this has happened today and yesterday, I’m not sure why they’re making that assumption.

Once I got home I sunk three hours into “Ni no Kuni”, I’m now outside the door to face the final boss of the game.

I’ll need to stick with this job for a couple of months, my credit cards have a total of around £1000 on them, not sure how that happened, at a glance though, there’s £200 for the new phone, at least £200 on new clothes, £150 on estrogen, £75 on video games and £170 on the toilet my father hasn’t paid me back for. Might have to hold off on buying that new (refurbished) laptop or at least wait until the next billing cycle.

A generic observation that I’ve remarked on before but still marvel at every time, the civility and evolutionary state of pakis outside of the ghetto regions. In some cases they more closely resemble whites than pakis, it’s fascinating. Obviously I couldn’t aspire to be like them given that I was born and raised in a different environment, a poor imitation is all that’s possible, I’ve seen others attempt it (Sajid Javid). All I can do is be the best version of me possible.


Roommates went out to play badminton again, they brought back Chads brother, got a little anxious when I heard them but luckily I did not have to lay eyes on any of them during the entire day. Looked up what panic attacks are and I believe I do suffer from them, around people, sweating is the most common symptom for me and while alone, thinking of potential uncomfortable situations, my heart rate increases and breathing becomes unpleasant.

Watched Raw today. The PPV looks somewhat fun. Watched the Mayweather fight on Sunday. Nothing remarkable anywhere.

Played Hearthstone, 3 Arena runs, not happy I keep pulling bad cards, fills the collection at least.

Chinese Chad knocked on my door last night, took a minute for me to get up and pull on my pants, the delay in opening the door probably makes him think I’m weird. Asked if I’d be in on Thursday, gotta let the gas man in or something. Conversation was to the point and short. I tried reaching for the hallway light on the wrong side of the door, he laughed. He laughs often, wonder if it’s a nervous laugh or a polite one.

The animals from work read my blog yesterday and again today, either them or the Poles.

Will tell the doctor about my pissbottles and anxiety tomorrow. Maybe about the obsessiveness. Not sure of the exact words I want to use.

Not bought weed as I was unable to find a cheap enough UK supplier (though they are still cheaper than local street rates, I’m being told I’m being ripped off), haven’t been able to get a rec yet either.

Ate cereal, hummus, few cookies with milk. Hit the pissbottles 3 times.

I’m not feeling down, still enjoying not having any obligations for a while.