Packing up

Moving out tomorrow. Started packing and did some washing. Handed in a CV plus a few online applications. Found some crap in the drawers I had to throw away like rotted fruit and bread with mould.

The new landlord said if I had a change in circumstances then I could find someone to replace me on the lease. Not bad, if I fail to get a job within a month then I will give up on this place and go home for good. I like being an adult, I’m investing in renting a room in the hopes the gamble will pay off and I’ll find a job, if I don’t get one within a month, it’s time to cut my losses and try something else. I somehow have a sizeable amount of savings that I don’t want to eat to far into.

Filling up a suitcase is quite a saddening experience for me, memories of last year haunt me still.

When I was walking back from the city centre, two girls in a car stopped and called me over. It was raining but I moved to remove my hood until I realised how that was not appropriate, the girls asked how to get to a certain location. I pointed and said “further down”, not sure if I said it as clearly or as loudly as I thought. Heard one of the girls scoffing as I promopty walked away after feeling I had answered their question.

Mum called, said it would be nice to have me home. Not sure why but I’m not as high on this place as I was a while ago. Really hope I get replies to my job applications tomorrow.

NEET Life day 4

Didn’t think I had much drive left but I applied to a few jobs again today. The library really is comfy.

There was a comic book convention goon, saw a fat Harley Quinn, a skeleton Hawkeye and Black Widow with no curves. If I’d known about it earlier I might have attended, it was free, never been to something like this before but I imagine everyone goes with friends so it probably wasn’t a friend making excursion that I missed out on, just new life experience in general.

Not heard back from the jobs I applied to, probably because it’s the weekend. Maybe next week. Lease ends on the 31st, not sure if I’m expected out tomorrow or June 1st, little anxious about that, stress leads me to masturbate more, today was the first time in a month or so that I masturbated twice in one day (I fell to one/zero after my arrest).

Will go home sometime next week and stay there for a while, wait for replies and for jobs to respawn.

Need to clean this room and wash my clothes before I leave this place.

I’m NEET but I’m not depressed, it’s too soon to worry. If I apply to enough jobs I’m sure to get something.

Slowing Down

Applied to a few jobs today. Handed one CV in person, went to another store and asked for an application form. They aahd run out and asked me to return in 10 minutes. I did not bother going back as I knew I would have a hard time beating anyone in direct competition. I was reminded that although I may have applied for around 10 jobs than I was probably competing with 100+ people for those jobs, this was a bit of a knock on my confidence.

Went to the job centre to use the computers there as the library is closed on Fridays. Applied to 6 jobs at B&Q, felt like I was bound to get an interview due to the volume of vacancies. Unfortunately I received 6 rejection emails around 10 minutes after having completed the last application, I had failed the “what would you do in this situation” questionaire. Another knock. There was a Pole in the job centre who barely spoke the language getting help on how to claim benefits, various scum assembled, a guy who had just gotten out of jail complaining about being due 3 weeks of incapacity benefits. I feel I can at least look down on these people as I have not yet claimed benefits, gone to jail and know the language.

Still three more places I know are open to applications and B&Q is worth another go at some point but I’m running out of steam. The high I was on after working at McDonalds is ending, I think will receed into the more traditional NEET lifestyle next week.

I can be happy and somewhat relaxed for a short period while I assume my current applications are still being processed and have not been outright rejected.

Caught up on Game of Thrones and bought some Pepsi.

My little sisters pet died, it had been diagnosed with a tumour or something, they were told it was in pain, it was inhumane to keep it alive. It was put down today. I didn’t like the creature but I now feel bad for it and I feel bad for my sisters who are likely now hurting. My mother called me and wanted me to speak to them, they were making a PowerPoint for it, seemed in good spirits, it us unusual for this family to express emotions. I told them to hug each other and said what I thought I should in the situation, they found it all amusing.

There have been a lot more comments than usual being posted recently. Thanks for the support but if you a question, just phrase it directly don’t feel the need for tact.

Pretty poetic that this blog is now being read by people who I have little familiarity with in the real world. My whole ordeal started when nobody knew me or shared to know me but I was obsessed with learning more about them. Now the situation has been reversed and they all want to know me and what I have been doing/thinking recently. The difference is that this blog is open to them, unlike other forms of social media where you can pick and choose who you allow to enter your life.

Still Going

Applied for quite a few jobs today, all various forms of retail, I expect multiple calls back. Noticed a few more vacancy adverts about but didn’t have enough CVs on hand, will do visit those places tomorrow.

Bought a take-away for the first time while here, not sure why, I was feeling good, not sure why that was either. The cost was extortionate, I usually spend that amount on dinner for 6 days (£6.50).

‘Registered’ with the landlord of the place I am moving to and met the other flatmates. Hope there isn’t an issue with my status as a student. I got on very well with the other tenants, I suspect this is because I now have kicfe experience, I have things to talk about, I can chip into the conversations of others and I am not avoidant of social interaction out of shame of having no identity. I told my story about getting fired from McDonalds 3 times, an edited version ofcourse.

I know better now, won’t be talking shit about my new roommates, they seem like a fine couple of lads.

For a change I cornered my current roommate in the kitchen and asked him how he was before hitting him with my ‘fired from McDonalds’ story again. Didn’t get much out of him, just some generic groaning and “oh, dears”.

Still need to wash and return my uniform to receive my £20 deposit.

Confirmed now the detective isn’t my pal and was never sympathetic towards me. Always knew but tried to convince myself otherwise. Also been confirmed this blog is being monitored, it’s good to know I haven’t said anything worthy of getting myself remanded.

The one I need to watch out for is being perceived to be attempting to intimidate the witnesses.

Fuck You

Got fired yesterday, didn’t post because the owner of the McDonalds franchise in Aberdeen threatened to withhold my wages if I posted anything at all relating to McDonalds. So I’m going to post the last 3 days right now along along with a response to the mess in the comments of the previous post.

Comments

Thanks for the support and sympathy, it’s what keeps me going. You understand my capabilities, understand why I do the things and I do and have reasonable expectations of me.

Few other things came to light, possibly trolling but to summarise, the Polish girl shared this blog with numerous people (despite being upset), her fat friend is the one who reported me and the girl in the comments is supposedly a third work colleague. I don’t believe most of it, it is definitely the Polish girl who is posting in the comments, I “know” her well enough to ascertain that. I don’t name anyone in this blog, it only causes people to be upset if they have enough background on the issue, there is no ‘humiliation’ going on, as for personal distress, you really shouldn’t be reading this, you know what to expect at this point. Not really sure how calling a fat person fat is enough to cause them distress though, not that that’s what happened, I suspect her more attractive friend pushed her into doing her dirty work. Regarding her and I though, I said sorry, I like(d) her in a non sexual way, not sure why she is so vindictive and angry after she has taken more than her pound of flesh.

The idea that there are several people in this city who read my blog is interesting. Not sure what the logic behind sharing it is. If it is humour then the girl wouldn’t have been offended and had me arrested in the first place, not to mention maintaining her grudge and continuing to punish me.

Monday

First thing I did was drop off a £400 deposit to my new roommate.

It was a bank holiday, were expecting a lot of customers, management were wrong and sent people home early. I got a call on my way home from the owner of the franchise telling me there had been a complaint, this blog, hambeast, twink etc. wanted to know why someone would make these unpleasant comments. said she hasn’t finished reading it and we would have a meeting tomorrow where we could go through it together. He mentioned censorship and that he had people breathing down his neck to fire me instantly, seemed like a cool guy. Giving me a chance to defend myself, a right the university did not afford me.

Before I left, Icompleted 6 of my scheduled 8 hours. There was one aggressive customer, who didn’t understand the pricing, he was lower class, spoke with some kind of common accent. Said he wanted to speak to someone who spoke his language. I held firm, looked him in the eyes and repeated myself and bluntly asked him questions regarding his order. It was quite a power rush because I knew he couldn’t physically harm me despite being bigger than me. Eventually a manager came over (South Asian, complete with accent) came by and took over, told me to go wash my hands for a bit. I was shaking like a leaf despite being confident. The shaking didn’t stop for a while, overheard some conversation, the trash was angry because he felt I was looking down on him, felt good to hear that was how I come across to people. The manager was very nice to me, he always was, everyone was, he was also very understanding, told me I didn’t have to deal with stuff like that. My trainer also asked me later in the day if I was okay and what meal I would like during lunch, nice guy, he knew how difficult it was for me to speak to the kitchen staff and/or I felt awkward waiting for my food to be prepared. Literally everyone working there was a nice person, the nicest collection of people I have ever met anywhere and I’m an absolute cunt for upsetting them.

Tuesday

Woke up nice and early as my shift started at 12, after I came out of the shower I got a call telling me that I should come in at 4, I had some time to kill. Watched wrestling and the second Eurovision semi. Good acts from both semis didn’t get to the final, it’s always worthwhile watching more tan just the final.

Hoped on a bus and arrived at the store. Gotnthere early, so sat in the bathroom for half an hour playing the one game on my £10 phone, Soduku. The ‘serious business’  manager told me to take a seat in the dining area, few other colleagues looked grumpy, wonder if they knew too? Yesterday after the rude customer incident I was thinking I would rather continue to ride the sympathy train than have people think I’m a dangerous freak.

The owner arrived quickly, he also summoned my trainer, the kid, who looked very glum. We went up to a meeting room up above in silence, was told the kid would be taking minutes. We sit down and I’m instantly told I’m fired. It was a probation period so he doesn’t legally need a reaso but I ask for his reasoning anyway. He says it’s because I called a colleague a hambeast and a customer a landwhale, I tell him in t just means fat, he says that’s still unacceptable and he repeats the urbandictionary definition of hambeast, I smirk.

Says I had potential, I’m in a tough position now without a job. Repeats some shit from my blog about me having poor social skills, not knowing what is appropriate, the difference between right and wrong, I’m a messed up individual, I’m a weirdo and the people who read my blog are weirdos, I tell him that he is not being insightful more than once and he is just repeating the conclusions I came to myself in my blog. I tell him when you do something wrong, you say sorry and move on, he wasn’t impressed by that, I don’t know why. I mentioned the very recent apology on my blog and that he wasn’t considering the chronology of posts.

He just went on and on repeating things from the blog without saying why they were bad, he really liked calling me weird. Brought up my opinions on women, something about the same uniforms and her being as low as myself (I think that line was more of a racial thing actually) and how it felt good when a female coworker touched my arm, I laughed here and told him that it was a blog about social shit, it should be expected.

There just wasn’t anything to argue with, he made no points other than me being “weird” and “smug”, he likely used the latter word because he read it here. He mentioned peadophilia, the Polish girl needing to feel safe, brushed it off when I mentioned that there was nothing to indicate she was distressed. He finished off telling me I would likely go to prison or something similar, not if I didn’t clean up my act, just a flat out statement that I was heading for doom.

For some reason he asked me to take down the blog, told him it couldn’t be done as it had been backed up by others and there is google cache, said he didn’t know what that was and he didn’t believe me. Not sure why he expected me to agree considering her had already fired me.

I tried responding to the weirdo claims by saying I had gotten a lot better recently. He didn’t care at all. He didn’t want a discussion, he said as much too. In was expecting a trial, what was waiting for me was a summary execution.

And to add insult to injury he said that my wages would be withheld for 2 weeks and released only if I keep silent about this matter. I asked for clarification and he said that I should just pretend as if I had never worked here. This exchange went on for a bit, he was quite threatening but it was comic even then because I kept asking for clarification on his vague threats (he never mentioned legal action so his tone was disproportionate to the severity of what was within his power).

Feel pretty badly about how the meeting went but I need to remember it wasn’t a fair game. He had already made up his mind, he saw me as undesirable and not worth the trouble. There was no discussion to be had.

Going home I texted my solicitor who told me I had no rights as I wasn’t hired long enough to be an employee (rights under employment law), didn’t hear most of what he said though as I was on a noisy bus. I don’t think wages for work done can be withheld and fuck him for trying to pull that shit, he owes me just over £200.

During the meeting I tried to avoid looking at the kid, was ashamed at myself for upsetting him though I think he must have been lied to, I never used derogatory remarks to refer to him, twink just means a young gay guy. I should have said sorry to him, spoken to him in some way, I really appreciated his kindness towards me. Shame he will never know unless I go back to the store and say my piece, I really want them all to know how much I loved them.

During the meeting I was worried about him bringing up certain things I posted, some of it I can laugh off but I would wince if he talked about the stuff regarding my thoughts on women ignoring me and giving me attention.

I suspected for a while that my new/old friend grassed me up but it was obviously the only other candidate, no one else would be able to apply pressure.

Felt pretty down the rest of the day. Got to rank 14 on Hearthstone again after falling pretty far, long win streak, picked me up a bit.

Put a deposit down on that room and employment prospects are better here than back home so I will be staying here even if it burns a hole in my pocket unless I get a job (got a shockingly large amount of saving so I technically don’t need a job), plus there are other benefits. The guy renting the room messaged me and the other roommates, he has a childish or just dated internet style of humour. Trying to play along I tried responding lol, instead I posted ‘loli’, he said ‘interesting’ when I claimed it was autocorrect, he is east Asian or SEA so he obviously knows what loli is.

Wednesday

Talked to my friend for a bit, he gave me some advice and asked if I wanted to hang out. I declined as I was not in a state of self pity, today I felt motivate and I had to make the most of it before my flame died out. But first I distracted myself with some other errands like going to the bank and the opticians.

Got a free eye exam, better quality of service than in my hometown, wonder if they even knew what they were doing? Apparently they even missed some kind of nerve tissue in my eye. Going to the optician was something In was afraid of before but know I either am more confident in general or what I really need to be doing is even tougher so I am tackling the optician which seems soft in comparison. Gay Greek guy helped my pick out glasses. Didn’t really know what I wanted, was going to but 2 for £69 but ended up with 1 for £105 with the lens thinned. It was hard enough to select one pair, I just wanted it to be over and leave. All the glasses looked the same, I should have just picked up a couple of ransoms instead of accepting the guys help.

At the bank the guy asked how I was and I ignored him and jumped into the business. I realised my mistake and later said “how are you etc” and then a little while later he said something similar. Not sure if we were on the same page.

Went to the library for the first time. It’s great, plenty of computers, big place, friendly staff, free registration. Very convenient. I sat down and worked on my CV and printed off a few copies, printing was ridiculously expensive.

Will apply to jobs tomorrow.

Go to citizens advice to check what action I can take against the owner.

Use the library computers to apply to jobs since it’s more convenient than this tablet.

Will also need to go to a few places in person to hand in a hard copy of my CV

Can’t keep me down, literally not even upset about losing my job, barely even angry and I’m angry about being mistreated by the owner not by the girl who reported me though that was a really bitchy and vindictive move.

Done the whole depressed, self pity shit, nothing is going to change if I don’t do anything about it.

Back where I was 2 month ago

can’t talk about what happened just now.

I tried, you all know I tried.

Better Still

Not what is okay to write here since my rights seemingly end where others feelings begin. This is not intended to cause fear and distress, if my writings have previously caused you pain then please do not continue reading. I don’t mean to sound bitter, I apologised and acknowledged my faults earlier, I just don’t want to get remanded. These are just observations and an attempt at analysis.

There was an odd sight while working at McDonalds today during the lunchtime rush, I saw the Polish girl from my class. She was standing at the edge of the counter being served by someone else along with her hambeast work colleague, it turns out she works in the vicinity of the McDonalds I work at. Unfortunately I missed hearing her deliver her order.

I saw her and she saw me, she had a really smug look on her face, I liked it, no sure what exactly it meant though. Possibly she was gloating at what she had “reduced” me to, I am having the time of my life, this experience had bettered me and I have since become as more complete and functional human being. Her expression may also have been saying “small world” or something less pragmatic such as a reference to the red knot of destiny.

I initially took it to mean the former and glanced aggressively at her shirt implying that she was no better off than myself. She shrugged and continued to look pleased with herself. During the whole altercation I was not smiling, right now especially it is difficult to smile as I have injured part of my mouth while brushing my teeth.

Feeling like the whole thing was just banter and that’s what she has come to accept the blog and thread was. If not for my bail conditions I think we could have used this as a bonding experience, maybe after the trial if she is still working in the same place.

Probably sounds like I deliberately got a job there to stalk her proper, just a coincidence, just working at the only place that will hire me. Saw a guy from uni pop by too, he smiled, I think we are on good terms.

Not a great day at work, need to learn people who are helping me with my orders aren’t babying me, they are trying to improve efficiency. Girl I worked with touched my arm as she clocked off, she has consistently been nice to me, repeatedly tried to make conversation, I have failed on my end. Work is not going that well anymore, people twice had to explain procedures to me after becoming frustrated at what I was doing.

Got a room, it’s in a better location and cheaper. Reflecting on my conversations with one of the existing tenants my identity now revolves around working at McDonalds,it’s a step up from what I was before.

Got to rank 14 on Hearthstone, beat people who had clearly either put money, hundreds of hours and/or thousands of matches into the game.

Better and Better

Work is still going well, felt like a member of the team today, bit of small talk, some smiles, the girls have warmed to me, people asking if I need anything but talking to me like I’m competent, my trainer and I get on better now that the cord has been cut. We had a funny interaction when I asked for a cheeseburger with just the meat patty, he said “you mean a hamburger?” and smiled. The gap toothed Pole is too nice and smiley, it’s all fake, not an issue though as I respect her for keeping it up. Also now know why their are so many Poles employed, there are a lot of Polish customers who barely speak the language. I made the landwhale on fries smile a few times and laugh once, made a joke about Countdown. Very happy at work, just want to do a good job and get on with everyone.

When I got back, roommate and his friends (several of them) were in the living room watching Eurovision, I love the show, too much to watch it half way in so I haven’t seen it just yet. Not sure how my ex-roommates get together with her friends went when she watched Eurovision last year but I imagine it was far different to this, so it isn’t dragging back painful memories, I am sure the show will do that on it’s own when I finally get around to watching it. I do wonder though what she is doing right now, is she with her friends again or back home? If I had one wish, I would exchange it to watch Eurovision with her.

Still flat hunting, saw two today, the first was very autist friendly, no living room. The guy showing me around was Chinese probably. I was able to talk well to him. I’ve known this for a while and it’s an existing theory, it’s easier to speak to people I deem to be inferior (or equal) to myself. I wouldn’t say race necessarily plays a part in this, a Chad (or normie – non-beta) of any race can get me to curl up into a ball.

Never had too view so many places before getting a room before, sure to get some offers soon.

Rare Day Off

Thought I had already posted,some error must have occurred. Got it out of my system now so short version.

Yesterday at work, 2 other people went on break at a similar time to myself, one of which was the Lithuanian girl, they didn’t sit next to each other which indicted that people either like solitude during their lunch break or that not everyone is friends with each other. I like to assume both, especially the latter.

Wish the Police would arrest me at work or someone involved with my court case would visit, would make me more interesting to my colleagues, grab their attention and give us something to talk about for a while.

Looked through a few Facebook pages for the first time in a while, it is depressing, generic stalker feelings, I don’t like feeling this way and don’t want to feel this way.

Got 3 flat viewing set up. Went to one today. Guy wanted to talk, get to know me, reminded me how boring I am.

Ate crisps and drunk Pepsi, feel sick.

Watched Eurovision semis, depressing, reminds me of this time last year.

Played a bit oof Hearthstone, I have a friend, we exchange a few messages and help each other compllete a certain type of quest on occasion.

The place where I spend most of my day has really fucked with my head, I realised this watching Frankie Boyle do a show, I shouldn’t be so dismissive of pro-immigration and anti-racism rhetoric. It’s not normal.

Asda didn’t have size 8 shoes.

Going Well

Been told multiple times now I need to smile more and I come across as nervous and confused while working at McDonalds. Not a new phenomenon, I’ve been told these things throughout my life. I don’t see the more veteran employees smiling often when they work the counter, I feel as if I come across as much more pleasant than them. There are a group of 4 kids who come in fairly frequently and order a large meal, today I referred to them as “lads” and they all remarked on how nice I was was, “too nice” even. I regret not letting them know how much I appreciated the compliment.

Talked to my collegues on the front counter, they initiated, one asked me a few general questions, went fairly well until we spoke of football, I said “I don’t know why Scotland even has a league”, he was clearly offended by the statement, a few minutes later I tried to give my comments a more acceptable slant. I spoke the way I did because that would be they type of response you would expect on /sp/. Also get ashamed and defensive whenever I am asked who I support, feel like I need to bring up I have only been following football for a few years and on this occasion I told the story of how I lost money betting on City. He is a great guy, there were quite a few over 18s working today, felt much more comfortable around them. Another coworker noted from my accent that I must be from Manchester (peculiar as I was often told I did not sound like a Manc but a pretentious twat), I said something about peadophiles being common in my town, he still mistook it for another town. A few hours later I followed up with and initiated an interaction by saying “you guessed something about me, know I’m going to try guessing something about you, do you post on 4chan?”, he didn’t know what it was. I thought he did because he mentioned UKIP and Rotherham a couple of phrases that were popular on /brit/ over the last month. It wasn’t the last interaction we had, I had no problem speaking to the guy professionally later in the day.

I felt like I was waiting a while too long for a particular meal to be prepared so I repeated my order to the kitchen (as I am told you are supposed to do), the Lithuanian girl kinda snapped at me, she didn’t seem angry, she thought I was mildly annoying or too involved, something like that, think I saw a smile, thing she might have been amused, glad to have had that interaction with her, maybe now she sees me as a regular colleague. I don’t hate her, just feel uncomfortable around her, may have overheard she will be taking 2 months out. Her skin looks terrible irl, ridiculous levels of alterations must have been involved with her stunning photographs, do many art students use themselves in their works? Decent looking girls would have an easier time of the courses then I imagine.

The gap toothed Polish woman/girl finally had a shift during the same time as myself, she is still undergoing training, we spoke, she initiated and I kept a bit of as relay going. Felt good, that’s all I ever wanted, someone who I noticed to notice me back. She had a big smile plastered across her face all day, it comes easy for her. She also remembered a few details about myself from orientations. Wonderful individual.

For the most part I was allowed to get my own orders after taking them but towards the end of my shift I was being babied again, probably not as reflection on me but just because it was fairly busy. Still making as few mistakes here and there but nothing major, don’t care about wasting food as the mark up is massive.

My feet hurt, will treat myself to new shoes.

No shift tomorrow, will deliver the GP registration form.