Almost at the end and I still don’t care

Understaffed at work, had to travel between the two rides I’m trained to operate throughout the day. Felt good, like I was useful. Fewer people around now, cliques are smaller to non existent, much more comfortable, we’re all on the same level.

The operations director came to see me regarding the rota for the next week/month. I was puzzled by this as the park is only open on weekends during September. Turns out I misunderstood, he was offering me work in the arcade during weekdays, I would take this, I could do with the money, maybe get a little more than just rent, though I do need a break at some point to unwind. He asked about my availability, took some guesses regarding uni, he could see I was confused so left me and said he’d check back in on me later in the day.

Was supposed to go back and forth between the two rides every half an hour. One ride was dead and there were a few people who wanted to get on the other ride before I shut it, so I held off my commute by 10 minutes. Saw the ops director going to the other ride, realising I wasn’t there and looking mad. This is bad, he thought I was one of the more competent workers at the park. Didn’t hear back from him regarding the hours in the arcade.

Think a guy was angry at me for not helping out pulling the cover over the bouncy castle when it started raining, he looked mad but that’s how he usually looks, I was legitimately preoccupied though.

Gotta text my friend, ask to hangout tomorrow after my time in court, don’t really want or need to but it’s just what I’m supposed to do. Not anxious or interested in the trial at all, nothing I can do but take what is dished out.

Mum called, said she and my sister were planning on travelling up to where I am tomorrow. I asked why and she suggested it was to offer support. Disgusted to hear this, I told her that I didn’t need her, she then responded that I would be all alone, told her this wasn’t true, I had friends and I am fine. The dunce hadn’t even looked at hotels, didn’t know that it would be difficult to get a room at such short notice or the cost. I have always overcome hardship and tricky situations on my own, I didn’t need her in the past and I don’t need her now, not that she is even capable of offering support, we have never spoken about our emotions, her only accomplishment regarding my upbringing is keeping me alive. Proposed that instead of visiting me she look for a job instead, her response was to ask me about my financial situation and offer to send me money. I wouldn’t accept bennies directly or indirectly. Useless woman, either looking for drama or can’t stand the sudden realisation that I’ve flown the nest.

Bought train tickets to go back home 21-25th September for Eid. £73.30.

Accidentally left my blog public for the day.

Some kind of international culture festival in the City centre, Polish lot last time did BBQ.

Uni starts 29th September. Looking at the timetable of classes was upsetting, not sure why.

Been buying bus tickets day to day since Tuesday since I don’t know if a bus pass is worth the investment. Bitch bus driver didn’t open the doors for me.

Looking forward to getting my laptop back.

It’ll all be over soon

Emailed the principal of the university, told him my situation, requested details on the misconduct hearing. He was polite in his response but asked me to contact him again after the legal proceedings. I got the feeling that he is not planning on letting me back in and won’t be fair and just in applying the misconduct procedure. Whatever happens will happen and my response will be exactly what should be expected.

Had to spend 4 hours at work training the lying Irish shit who shared my blog. He was pleasant, hard to maintain my dislike for him as he is nice enough to my face. Female colleague told me to smile, I couldn’t. Say “Hi” to a colleague, he didn’t smile, felt upset, probably how I make others feel. Park is still Jewwing me, only got paid for 4 hours yesterday. Think the Eastern Euro guy is Russian.

After this week, I will only be working weekends, will have the legal stuff finished and possibly know if I’ll be back at uni, I’ll be reborn, get to play the game again after being in stasis for the last 5 months. I’ll do better this time.

Found my bowl staring at me in pieces laying in the bin, it has noodles on its body, so I know it was that filthy chink who used and broke my bowl. There’s no excuse for this behaviour, there are other bowls, he owns his own bowls. Too late to do anything about it now, don’t feel like taking revenge.

Chad has been using my plate, I did think about destroying it as he was using it more often than myself.

Chips and gravy for dinner.

Bought socks, used to have a lot, must have left them at the old flat.

Losing interest in Hearthstone since buying the last wing as my goals are less clear now.

Thanks, brother

Bit of Hearthstone before work, had to wait an hour between my shower and eating breakfast as someone was in the kitchen. Spent a good few minutes counting change for the bus, thought I had exact but ended up with about £1 after I’d counted it again on the bus. Leaning towards thinking I inadvertantly underpaid the driver.

Off the bus and walking to the park I noticed my black coworker talking to the Indian guy who allegedly shared my blog, they were standing outside the animals residence. I approached them, looked the filth in the eyes and asked “Did you share my blog?”. He looked either puzzled or panicked and responded with “What?”, I waved him off while cussing and stormed away. Black guy laughed awkwardly.

Impossible or at least embarrassing to find out who found and shared my blog at work. People can just deny it, point to others and I can’t call them out on it since I have no proof, just ‘he says, she says’ playground bullshit. I don’t known who it was and I can’t ever find out. Would have done better in the police interview if I’d realised this sooner.

Dead at work, don’t know who the park is open for at this time. Owners kid noticed me not doing anything or that I was bored, in a friendly manner he handed me a brush and assigned me the task of cleaning my ride. It was something to do so I welcomed it. Pretty sure he’s being nice to me because I’m the only one who can operate the ride so he can’t risk scaring me away.

Heard a guy yelling at me, though he was enquiring about the ride, wasn’t the ‘boats’ he was asking about though, it was my blog. Asking why I’d taken it down. I’d encountered him once before, it was at McDonald’s, he was in a group with the skinny white Muslim girl, was very chatty, friendly, warm, encouraging and charismatic. Don’t believe that at the time he knew about the blog, he found it through the girl, doesn’t post on 4chan, familiar with reddit, said he left some comments about boxing, try and get me to have a normal conversation.
Anyway, so here he was (Along with a female who he claimed was his sister), he talked at me for a lengthy period of time, gave me advice and summarised it himself as “get your shit together”. It was a pep talk, he was supportive, said he thought I was a good guy. Found it difficult to talk to him and talk clearly, wasn’t even looking in his direction most of the time, he must have been so disappointed. The man was the closest to a Chad I’ve seen with my own eyes, perfect height, built, booming voice, limitless confidence, talented speaker, etc.

Asked what I’d refer to him as on my blog, said “Paki Chad”. Told me “Paki isn’t close to what I am”. Light skinned but I couldn’t bring myself to say “Everyone brown in a paki”

His advice

• Travel
  Don’t join ISIS
  Don’t marry a freshie (Paki from Pakiland)
  Keep busy, devil makes work for idle hands (I am doing this right now with work)
  All pussy is the same – lose your virginity
  Go to the gym, learn jujitsu or something
  Finish uni
  Get an SIA card

I cringed a few times when he brought up race, I feel uncomfortable discussing that. When telling me all females are the same and I’ll learn that after I got laid, I said that I didn’t see colour, he told me to fuck off.

Chastised me for coming up with excuses about being too busy to do more. He agreed that the Polish girl was a bitch. Couldn’t relate to the piss stuff. Even the shit I did say wasn’t well formed, I might have been too anxious, couldn’t get the words out of my mouth right.

Really appreciated him coming out to find me and encourage me, hate myself for not showing it and not getting the most out of the interaction.

After speaking to him I can say with absolute certainty that I consider myself Muslim, being a brother, he was more familiar with me and went further than others in this city who have read my postings. Ah, shit, forgot about my friend, he did more for me than anyone, he’s a leftist but I don’t feel a desire to lean that way. Fuck, I’m confused, I’ll try to be more like both of them.

At home I played some more Hearthstone, Chinese Chad showed me the utility bill, I owe £75.70, for the 2 month period, I assume. Proof that my hapa ex-roommate/landlord fucked me over, hope I’ll be able to snatch his licence from him when I get around to that small claims court thing.

Ate ASDA tortilla chips with ASDA dip. Had a jacket potato later too.

Best day I’ve had in the last 2 months at least

No work today, it was raining, got a call concerning it early enough into the day.

Chad camped out in the kitchen for a while, went to the pissbottles 3 times, twice did I hit the carpet. Made a lot of noise using the Pepsi bottle. Later risked it when I heard the kitchen door close and went to the actual bathroom, Chad heard me though, said “hello?”, so I answered, told him about work, just facts, described events and the situation, I don’t know how normal conversations go but they are not like this, they are more than the regurgitation of facts.

My Man City shirt arrived today, wasn’t sure of the quality but /sp/ put my mind at rest. Think this is the first frivolous/luxury purchase I’ve made since buying a 3DS in late 2013 or a Pokemon game at the start of the year. Feel happy owning this, though I’m anxious about wearing it, it’s a nice shirt, coming into contact with myself can only make it less attractive. If I do wear it it’ll be in private while I watch MOTD. Dismayed that Aguero changed his shirt number after I placed the order.

Got to rank 10 on Hearthstone and continued my win streak even further, reached rank 8. Did it with an unremarkable facehunter deck. Didn’t feel as good as I’d hoped. Bought the final wing of BRM too, also didn’t feel as satisfying as expected, felt relief if anything, just feel empty now, not sure if I’ll play the game as much anymore.

Watched WWE Summerslam, enjoyed it.

Relaxing day. Indoors, alone, achieving success, obtaining nice things and being comfy.

Went out in the rain to buy groceries, feel calmer in such weather since there isn’t anyone out. Ate a jacket potato with tuna and coleslaw.

Someone is still using my cutlery.

Don’t have the confidence to discuss my upcoming conviction with my manager. Could argue I don’t need to as he read the date it would happen and I told him the charge I’d plead guilty to.

I was beaten weeks ago

Nothing happened. Went to work, time passed by slowly due to the lack of a break. Feet hurt, it’s painful to stand.

End of the day I had a short conversation regarding my height, said I was only 5’9.5. That’s the shortest I am, never properly measured myself, Polish girl did say I looked 5’11, either way I’m proud of being above average height.

Should never have made the blog private, it wasn’t worth keeping the job, money is not something that can reproduce the readers I’ve lost, they might not have cared about me but they knew me.

I weigh 11.5 stone.

Still in with a fighting chance of making rank 10. Would feel very accomplished if I do.

Chinese Chad and regular Chad put up their work schedules on the fridge to help organise badminton games, I like the insight it gives me, should be gardening soon.

Ate hummus and pitta bread again. Bought Pepsi, soft drinks are the only thing that can give me a lift.

I don’t really think or feel anything anymore, I don’t want anything more than to survive and have some time to be comfortable.

bye bye

At the start of the working day my manager asked me to hand in my phone and jollily said “Wouldn’t want you updating your blog while you’re working”. He’s referenced this two days in a row now, it’s confusing, I would have thought it’d be best if it was forgotten about. I also don’t like it because he doesn’t understand the content of this blog or why I continue to update it.

Told me the guy I trained yesterday decided the job wasn’t for him, joked that I scared him off. Truth is I was too honest with him and the ones who recruited him were too dishonest with him, this is a short term gig with low hours and awful conditions. Today I had to train the guy who told the police I was a peado, he was more than pleasant enough, odd training him as he had worked at the park longer than I and was capable of operating much more complex rides. I don’t bear much of a grudge against him, can’t prove he was lying about who discovered the blog and he did apologise after all.

Shutting down the park I noticed the guy who trained me on the log flume was chairing a meeting with several other coworkers, I avoided them, they didn’t invite me. Clocking out I saw him again, he told me that I wouldn’t be seeing him again, thought that was cool of him, he didn’t have to say goodbye to me. Regret not responding with more than I did, think it was “oh” or “bye”.

I am now the only guy at the park fit enough and trained to run the log flume. 3 people on the ride have quit during my tenure and 2 others trained to run it have been injured on other rides. If I had a spine I’d ask for a loyalty bonus.

As I was clocking out another coworker, one of the older guys, asked to read my blog that one time. told me to wait until 6.15pm exactly or my wages would be cut. I was right to be paranoid. Still don’t have the confidence to enquire about deductions made on my time card.

I’ve exchanged brief pleasantries with one of the newer park workers quite often this week and last.

Saw little blonde while I was waiting for the bus, she has a black & yellow jacket, I like it, looks like the one from dead Rising 2, fits her gimmick, quirky and shit.

Manager gave me a verbal pat on the back for putting a stopper in front of a door, it was quite excessive. In theory statements like that should boost my self esteem but they’re so transparent it makes me feel worse.

There was a parade in the city centre, watched it for a few seconds, just people walking around, thought it boring.

Watched some Brasseye as recommended by my friend months ago. It’s just the one joke they beat to death for 20 minutes, I enjoy it for half the runtime.

No break on my shift from 11.45am to 6.15pm. Ate hummus and pitta bread.

Losing streak on Hearthstone.

Only just realised there was football today.

Big Game Hunter

Played Hearthstone before and after work, was on the cusp of rank 10 before a loss shattered my dreams. Feel proud of myself regardless. Vacuumed my room, feel more comfortable and less dismayed about my situation sitting in a clean room though I have yet to dispose of the pissbottles though I blanket them in a towel to avoid looking at them. Bought some bus tickets for Chinese Chad as requested, he paid me back at the end of the day, I did not ask. He peeked into my room as I was gathering change to break his £20 note, I only really cleaned the carpet, wonder what he thought. Room still smells off. Our conversations were short, I recommended he watch Reservoir Dogs earlier since he had just seen Pulp Fiction. He had now seen that but I didn’t have anything specific about the film itself to say, just critiques of Tarantino.

Manager approached me at work, muttered “This’ll give you something to write about” and handed over a young man to me, I had to train him on the ride, the guy had ‘mum’ & ‘dad’ tattooed to his neck and a pregnant gf. Liked his accent and way with words, seemed familiar, not as as the other park workers. He was looking to make so money but didn’t know the park will only be open on weekends during September and shut sometime in October. Training him goes well enough, metrosexual there wasn’t much to it. I feel comfortable around him since I don’t feel the need for his approval since, I’m his senpai , I’m his superior. He tries talking about person stuff but I shut it down quick, I don’t have much to say on those matters, when it’s dead I talk about the ride or park. At the end of the day everyone is gathered up by the benches having a smoke and I’m standing to the wayside, usually I’d just loiter in the bathroom until it turns quarter past before clocking out but today the new guy is clinging to me as he assumes I’ll introduce him to the others or something, poor boy doesn’t realise how low my power level is, I loiter with everyone else in for a bit until they leave and clock out before quarter past (enjoy having 15 minutes pay docked from your wages).

I try and be social now and walk home with him but he stops and checks his phone. Charge home on my own. Accidentally told him the wrong time to be at work tomorrow.

Craving heroine or something to inject. I like the idea of it, sticking something directly inside of me.

Fantasising about the judge throwing my case out of court

The guys gf was in her final year on my course, fucking strange how common it seems to be for people I meet to have a close relationship with someone on my course, in the year I’ll be inserting myself. There was some fun when he said “After the trial will I be on this ride myself?”, got worried, asked him to clarify twice before realising he was referring too his job trial.

Relieved myself into a Lucozade bottle when I got home, it’s just normal now, think I might be doing it out of sloth.

Mozart by request – Titles and entries for wageslave days are dull

Didn’t have to wake up until much later since the park is only open for 4 hours now but I woke up at 9am and felt well rested and upbeat. Played a little Hearthstone, hit rank 14. Enjoyed the taste of being NEET for a few hours today. Excitedly answered the doorbell hoping the postman had my Manchester City shirt, unfortunately it was just Chinese Chads trenchcoat, not sure if I can still call him a Chad.

Had a few short interactions with him before setting off for work. He creeped up on me and gave me a little fright as I was putting away the iron. He knocked on my door asking if I needed to use the washing machine, nothing remarkable was said but I answered while wearing a vest, usually quite self conscious about my arms. Stood in a way to conceal the filth in my room. It reeks of piss too.

Working for £26 on these short shifts, week long bus pass is £18. Hardly seems worth it, there is no alternative though so I must endure. Going to need another job or for Student Finance to come through to help out with the rent in the long term without slashing my savings.

Work was mostly pleasant, quiet since most kids are at school, time flies by since I know I won’t be there long. Start and end of the day is uncomfortable, everyone still at the park is friends with each other, today they were all gathered at a table, chatting. I hovered around a bit at first, them perched on to the edge of a bench, listened in, tried to learn but couldn’t digest their conversations at all, just worthless drivel. Owners kid was in charge today, he threw keys less than 2 metres from me, underarm, still failed to catch them despite the things hitting my chest. Tried to help fold some covers with a coworker got a “what are you doing?”. Owners kid asked me if I needed any days off next week, told him Friday, he asked why and if it was uni related, I fumbled around with words before settling on “nothing”, he pushed, said he needed to write something down. I said the operations director was aware of it, he gave up and left. Not sure who knows what, the “Trial update” entry has been read by those who read my blog but I only told my manager the particulars of the charges. Don’t believe he passed those details onto the operations director since it wasn’t mentioned during our brief meeting, I will only speak of the trial and my conviction to my manager to stat on the safe side. Owners kid shoots a lot of clearly forced smiles, I like that he’s trying. I must have come across as shifty and/or rude.

Tried speeding past adjacent coworkers on my way home, she said “hello” to me, always makes sure to acknowledge me, it’s a nice gesture but I just want to fly under the radar now, not trying to make friends, it’s a luxury and takes effort.

Battered fish and gravy for dinner.

Glad to see Polish classmate still hadn’t moved on from ASDA.

Trial Update 2

Met my solicitor again, he let me go over the statements in private, it was a few minutes before I realised the gift he had given me. I am grateful to him for that. Actually reading the statements I realise again that the charge relating to my ex-roommate is rubbish, it was not my apology email that scared her into the arms of the police but the fat friend of the Polish girl in my class who tried to sniff her out, spooking her by contacting her friends and asking questions about her.

Still pleading guilty though I was excited when I heard the victims would be made to testify in court. I would love to see them again, I’d claim to make some huge gesture for the privilege but I don’t have and can’t do anything worth a damn. Pleading guilty apparently knocks 2/3 off my sentence. However if I were to be given a community payback order the minimum is still 100 hours.

My financial situation isn’t great so I don’t want a fine. I need free time to work so I don’t want community service either. We do nothing more than plead, it’s entirely up to the judge, can’t ask for a short prison stint, it would be my preferred option. I don’t care much about the punishment, I want to plead guilty because of the timing, a decent window before the next academic year starts. Get my disciplinary stuff out of the way, apply to student finance, re-enrol, everything’s back to normal by the end of September.

Solicitor seems like a nice guy, don’t like he isn’t considering any arguments for my innocence but he does seem to care somewhat. He enquired about my motives, if he’d read the threads he’d know (later emailed to him), we settled on ‘obsession’ and anger the girls wouldn’t ‘have me on’, I tried to stress it wasn’t sexual and had to tell him again that the girls hadn’t rejected me.

Didn’t go into the meeting with any questions, not really thinking about the situation, not desperate for it to be over, to move on, just don’t want things to get any worse! I seem to have found a balance at the moment. Don’t feel anything related to this except a few rare flashes of anger.

Saw Chad in the morning, he’s going home for a week. Chinese Chad asked me to buy bus tickets for him, I know what he’s doing, you ask people for favours to make them think they’re on your side, if only he knew that I already liked him very much.

Played Hearthstone, 400 gold away from the final solo adventure wing. Chatted with a /brit/(feel) friend, didn’t realise it was him until after our interaction was over. He watched me play a game, found it intimidating, like when a teacher looks over my shoulder as I’m working, I wasn’t at my best either, was using a weak deck for a quest, probably thinks I suck worse than I do (I lost). As with all conversations I didn’t know what to say.

Pissed myself in the library again.

Body doesn’t hurt much anymore.

Ate cereal in the morning. At around 5.30pm I had beans on 4 slices of toast with 3 slices of cheese.

Work is pain, freedom is pain

Roommates left before me, playing badminton, Chad asked if I was home, Chinese Chad said I should be. Wonder what he had on his mind. Probably just heard me rattling.

Park is only open for 4 hours on weekdays now. Got on the bus at 12 and bought a new bus pass. Got a call from work shortly after saying the park wouldn’t be opening today due to the rain. Displeased I wasted money, should have been told earlier.

Went into town anyway, used library computers for a bit, nice to use one when I’ve been stuck on a tablet these last few months. I pissed myself, the back of my pants and the chair were wet, I don’t think I tried as hard as I could to hold it, it felt impossible. Used a public lavatory soon after. Went to ASDA, fire alarm went off, saw the McDonald’s franchise owner, didn’t have the nerve to fuck with him. Wanted to pat him on the back and cock my finger like a gun while winking. Walked past the McDonalds, wore my park uniform so hopefully people thought I had something going on. Felt like they were looking at me.

Pissed myself again walking home, not sure if I didn’t try or legitimately lacked control. At home I relieved myself with a bottle, worrying I possibly use bottles more often than the house toilet. Over 10 bottles lined up. Need to go to the GP.

Ate a multipack of McCoy’s. Then 2 microwaved cheese sandwiches and one regular cheese sandwich. None of it really tasted of anything. Roommate cooked a chicken stuffed with stuff, couldn’t imagine doing something like that myself.

The free time and silence has been agony, my head hurts, I try not to think of anything but that is just as unpleasant as evaluating my situation. Want to shut off, there is nothing I genuinely want in this life other than peace. Would rather die in my sleep than have revenge.

Enjoying fooling around with Fantasy Premier League.

Drank a cider, bit of a buzz. Not enough to feel good.

Girl at the park yesterday called me awkward when I tried bantering with her.

My room smells foul.