About Poleaboo

I am 25 year old British (ex?)student HHKV I have little to no interest or hobbies I am not notably attractive or intelligent I have hove no social skills, I do not initiate conversations, I cannot carry a conversation and I have no friends Allegedly got obsessed with a classmate and ex-roommate and was arrested for "stalking" in March because my right to freedom of speech ends where their feelings begin, also suspended from university pending my trial. Got a £300 fine when I plead guilty because my legal aid solicitor was fucking shit Got arrested again for something I allegedly posted after I paid the fine, so was suspended again too but this time they didn't even have enough fucking evidence to charge me so they just stuck me on bail for a year Bail expired, fuck all happened Got arrested again, similar stuff, going to trial this time

Weekend Wagie

It was quiet for the most part at work as it usually is in my department on the weekends. I interacted a little as part of a group with the guy who sits opposite me and the guy on the social media team. Social media guy has really made a bit of an effort recently, I’m curious as to what spurred it on. I told them I don’t do hot drinks, glad I got to share some trivia about myself.

The little guy spoke to me, I thought he was mad at me for playfully calling him “thick” a few days ago, didn’t think anything of it at the time. Just small talk about him getting a job in this department.

At home I watched the Strictly Finals with my mum and then FMA, my sister is taking a little interest in it. No arguments with anyone.

Planning meeting up with a /brit/ poster on Tuesday but not getting my hopes up.

Advertisements

Dark Victory

Looks like a win though it’s exact details aren’t too clear just yet. I’ve been given a 12 month community supervision order – that’s it. It’ll be up to my local social work department to decide how to proceed with my rehabilitation, it won’t be unpaid work or any kind of program, probably just dropping in to chat to a guy once a month for a year. The while thing was over quickly, first up, first out, in under 20 minutes. The judge was biased against me, the prosecutor was a cow and I wish my solicitor had put up more of a fight. Also didn’t get to read my background report.

On the way home I threw up again, it was around 7pm, I’d eaten junk food and Lucozade, I stuck my head out of my dads car and just let it spew for over 2 minutes onto the side of the car, the road and anyone unfortunate enough to be behind us. Felt lethargic afterwards and my limbs hurt.

Pulled a sicky from work, hate lying, I answered the call from my team coach this time.

Pretty uneventful really, guess now is the start of a new arc?

Literally thought I was gonna die

On the way to work I had severe heart pains, my chest felt tight. I didn’t. Know what the issue was and the continual pain scared me, for the next few hours I’d punch my chest to try to numb myself, I’m niy sure if it worked. A woman sitting near me, asked a few times if I felt alright. I eventually sat in the vestibule area, crouched on the floor and vomitted. I apologised to the other travellers as they were leaving.

Once I arrived into the office, I told my manager I’d been sick and not feeling 100%. Happily though I recovered in a couple more hours and I’ve accidentally but handily set up and excuse for tomorrow.

Still hitting over 100 emails a day with the lowest handling time. Interestingly though despite my higher number of daily emails I’m only averaging around 10-20 more than everyone else daily, possibly because it takes me more replies to resolve queries.

At poorly. Cereal and 2 packets of crisps in the morning, katsu chicken wrap for lunch, when I got home I had more chicken, a packet of crisps and some chocolate peanut butter things.

When I got home I also watched an ESPN 30 for 30 documentary about the Lakers v Celtics rivalry.

The possible acquisition of Fox by Disney disgusts me.

Got my sentencing tomorrow. Just need to get it over and done with. Not hyped.

+50 workrate, -50 intelligence

I wore my new glasses to work for the first time today, I’m not sure if I got some funny looks but it’s done now so I’ll confidently be able to wear them every day from now on. I said “hello” to a couple of people (quirky guy and little guy) but they both seemed to completely ignore me, maybe it was the glasses? Either way, it hurts to be ignored when you’re putting in effort.

I asked my manager a question that I should have known the answer to, he must think I’m stupider than he originally thought. Despite hitting over 120 emails (a record I’m sure), when everyone else only managed 70-80, I’ve never received any praise for my productivity, could just be because it’s offset by all my screwups.

Ate cereal for breakfast, a katsu chicken wrap for lunch and when I got home, I gorged on spag bol, a packet of crisps, Snickers and chocolate biscuits.

In the morning I also noticed someone had thrown my 3DS onto the floor, my sisters don’t like me leaving my stuff in the living room. At the end of the day, the insult sandwich was completed when I was told “no one wants you here, so just leave”.

Better late than never?

It was a struggle to get out of bed this morning, probably because I forgot to turn the heating off and I subsequently did not sleep well. It was below freezing in the morning and for the rest of the day, I didn’t feel it much as I wore my new coat which did an admirable job of keeping the cold out.

At work, a couple of the new people finally moved over onto my team/department. They came from CS (customer service), I was already familiar with one of them, it was a blonde female who once commented my interaction with a customer was amusing (back in August). Highly social and popular. The other person is just some guy, he’s tall and good looking I suppose. The female sits opposite me, bye bye legroom. For the sake of politeness I greeted her when I first saw her, no further interaction was had.

A fire alarm went off before 10am and the building was evacuated. On the way out, a guy from the social media team spoke to me, the first proper conversation. Speculation on the fire. It ended quickly, I surelky didn’t help by trying to run away from him.

During lunch, I’ve come to notice all the normies sit at lunch tables in the kitchen area instead of in the main break room area with the TV. I find it infuriating because despite not being able to see them, I can still hear them and every detail of their conversations. One member of the largest normie conglomerate is the little guy who used to speak to me, now he’s pals with a female manager and multiple females including the blonde. No Chads in the gang though. I know it’s my fault that he doesn’t speak to me anymore since I rarely initiated conversation with him despite his attempts with me.

Didn’t eat anything at lunch other than chewing gum.

Woman who I swapped shifts with asked if I wanted to swap Friday too, I declined, said she “only gets one”. The truth is I will be pulling a sicky in order to head to court. I probably came across as confusing or rude.

At home I did not speak to my sisters, they didn’t speak to my mother.

I watched a bit of football with both of my parents in the room while I say by the fireplace. A few laughs were had, this should have been my childhood.

Can’t buy happiness

A disturbing trend has arisen, I’m not leaving the house at all during my days off, I haven’t gone outside in the last 3 days. Today I just sat in front of the fireplace watching FMA and eating 3000+ calories. There was some Hearthstone action too, hit rank 5.

There was some productivity, I washed my clothes, cleaned my room (a little) and setup my Nintendo Switch. I’ve also started taking my vitamins and supplements again. This is also the most regularly I’ve been applying the skin lightening cream to help with the hyperpigmentation.

Tomorrow, if I have the energy after work, I will clean up my room some more, run a vacuum.

The Switch is underwhelming, it’s more of a portable than a home console. The coolest thing about it is the Nintendo branded HDMI cable that’s included.

I had to get my dad to fuck off when he started quizzing my mum on my legal situation (he thought I had gone to bed). Discovered my sister doesn’t like me calling my dad a paki.

I’ve discovered buying material goods won’t bring me joy.

Time to set myself adrift

Today was my sisters birthday, I spent most of the time in the living room, eating but being ignored. I was constantly ignored during my repeated attempts to encourage the opening of the presents I bought. It was difficult to stay positive when I was outright told to leave, that I wasn’t wanted due to my negative energy. I was prepared to leave but my father physically stopped me.

I played Hearthstone for most of the day, 9+ hours surely. I’m struggling to hit rank 5, currently at 6. 

At the end of the day, around half an hour before going to bed, an argument erupted. I can’t recall how it started but it was about the same stuff as always, my mother quizzed my sisters on why they wouldn’t speak to me, my sisters insisted she speak to them while refusing to acknowledge me outside of a few insults. My mother than responds with some crueller remarks such as saying she regretted giving birth to them. I feel bad because my mother is suffering because of me, I’d rather be alone than bring her any misery.

My sister alluded to my gender dysphoria saying “who did I tell when I found that stuff in his room?”. She could be referring to estrogen or just clothes. 

I kept the Nintendo Switch.

I fantasised about slitting my wrists again.

I’ve put on weight.