Not today either

Disappointed in myself, despite not having to go to work, I accomplished nothing today, I didn’t leave the house and I didn’t research anything to improve the quality of my life going forwards. I woke up before 8:00am so tiredness wasn’t even a factor, I should have attended the walking club. It’s pathetic how little I did, I wanted to tidy my wardrobe since it’s just crammed with clothes I don’t even bother accessing it and just wear the same handful of outfits all the time. I wanted to take a 20 minute trip outside to buy junk food but I couldn’t stand leaving the safety and comfort of my room. I wanted to groom myself a little but again, just too fucking lazy.

All I actually did was unpack 4 months worth of NEO magazines and complete the first 100 parallel quests on DragonBall Xenoverse 2. Might keep playing it then for a few more trophies or just pick it up next month.

A disproportionately large amount of time today was spend weighing up whether or not I should buy a season ticket for my local football club, the seating is what stumped me. If I sit further up I’d get a better view but sitting a couple of rows lower down I can leave an empty seat to my left and right and sit on my own, this’ll be easier on my social anxiety as I won’t have to engage the same people every fortnight. I ultimately decided not to go for it today, I can’t just keep throwing money away like this, I know I’m mainly doing this for the rush of buying something and not because I want the opportunity to become less socially isolated.

I did end up buying stuff though, some new cheap headphones (they look like the ones Miku Hatsune wears), silicone gel sheets and bio oil for my cutting scars. Got a blue womens hoodie too. Awaiting my £10 Amazon voucher for registering my workplace pension scheme online.

I keep getting lost in mundane fantasies while writing my blogposts, none of it will ever come to pass but at least having the capacity to imagine such a life simulates social activity.

Not looking forward to meeting my caseworker and volunteer mentor next week and telling them I’ve made no progress.

PRAISE

Today was the day at work I’ve been craving for months. My manager gave me a task to complete, showing that I can be trusted and am seen as capable, also got assigned a specific queue& system for the 3rd straight day and at the end of toil, my team coach sent out an email (to the entire team with my manager cc’d) giving me a big well done for clearing all the queues I was working on.

This was all despite telling my manager, first thing in the morning, that I had that £200+ pay off. Later in the day I also got an email regarding another potential pay off, partially my fault but I may be be able to wiggle out of this one.

Some temps will be working here a month, amusingly diverse. The man who sat with me was pleasant and was curious about my accent, said that I had a Yorkshire twang to it. Not sure what that means as Yorkshire contains both Bradford and York. I tried to be helpful but what he’ll be doing is different to my job, the interactions were good, it was made easier with my being in a position of authority.

Got a reply regarding the anonymous complaint I put in regarding my latest enemy (also a the woman on the complaints team who was rude to me over email), I was told that what I said would be passed on to the relevant department heads.

I was toying with the idea of attending the walking club tomorrow but I won’t due to sloth. No plans for my day off as things currently stand.

Forgot to take my E in the morning, it happens more often than I’d like to admit.

Quirky guy didn’t get the promotion he went for. Gutted for him but he’s smart enough to know that it’s not the end of the world.

On the train home I heard a paki student and an old woman having a poor conversation.

Hate them all

At work I was assigned the same task as yesterday and I’ve now more or less cleared the queues. More people have joined the emails team, they’re all either ridiculously incompetent (due to being new) or just lazy. Some can’t hit the target number of emails and others just pick out easy ones and stop once they get there. Stacy looks good by comparison and I’m not sure if I even consider her an enemy anymore (though still annoyed mildly at the new seating plan).

There were only a handful of instances where I spoke since no one who works on the phones asks me to check emails for them since the team expanded, it hurts that they walk straight past me and the people who sit with me would still ask each other questions than me even though I have all the answers and they have none. I once again grew so infuriated listening to them cluelessly discuss work stuff amongst themselves that I just jumped in with the answer.

The only positive interaction was one with a fellow British-Pakistani, someone called up and he got their card details for me.

No manager or team coach in to help me sort out the pay-off and no quirky guy for bonus social interaction and to get me thinking. Really like “Heavan & Hell”, the Black Sabbath song he rec’d, might also start listening to DIOs other work. Really hope he gets that promotion, don’t want him stuck with all these new people on emails, he’s clearly better than that.

Played DargonBall Xenoverse 2, I’m just throwing away hours of my life for trophies.

Mum quizzed me again about religion. She thinks I was brainwashed when I was living away from home.

Another enemy

Despite being a bank holiday, my presence was still required at work. There were no managers and this somehow resulted in the place being quieter. Despite the increased control, conversation wasn’t abundant. Quirky guy spoke often to the gay guy sitting next to him, I tried talking to the relatively normal guy sitting next to me but he had his earphones in and I was just left embarrassed. During lunch, the quirky guy sat next to me for a bit, didn’t have anything to talk about apart from comic book stuff.

Gay guy who refused to answer my question the week before last, sent me an email, cc’d in my manager and team coach. He was essentially accusing me of having done something wrong and requesting more information, I told him to read the notes, it was all very clear and finished with “I don’t understand why you’re confused?”. I went to the bathroom but when I returned the guy was looking for me, he said that he didn’t like my tone and wanted me to send across the “full correspondence”, I told him all he had to do was search using the email ref that I left in the notes but he kept pushing, my voice was not strong and I was upset. Quirky guy asked me about it over the company messaging program and he sympathised. Gay guy responded to me email with a “professional” reply and I replied with what I thought was sarcasm pointing out his stupidity but I probably just taught him something. He responded with “thank you”. Should have just outright refused to help him at all.

At the end of the day, I had some banter about doughnuts, info I took from the comments section of HotUKdeals was useful (Crispy Cream doughnuts have more sugar than regular ones). Didn’t know when to end it and walk off though, when I finally clicked, I rushed out the door. All the normie are planning on going to the Download music festival, it’s not my type of environment but I’d like it to be. Other normies was inviting each other out for an activity after work, no interest to me but I’d have liked to have been asked.

Overate at home due to my mother making new large dishes every day. Watched Last Week Tonight and played vidya.

I wasn’t done with my previous enemy, I won’t be forgetting about either.

Vanilla

I had a laser session yesterday, face, it was more painful than the last, she must have changed the settings. On the way home I was muttering racial epitaphs under my breath and passed a paki or eastern European kid sitting on his doorstep, hope I didn’t scar him. The rest of the day was spent in my bedroom, as usual. I watched the Champions League final but it was mostly just on in the background.

Today I ventured outside a couple of times, once to visit my auntie and cousins, only stayed for an hour. Caught a Ditto in Pokemon GO on the way home. The other journey was to ASDA, bought Coke Zero and finally some Coke Zero Vanilla, prefer regular. On the way back a woman, possibly a junkie or just homeless, called me “miss” and asked if I could make a phone call for her. Nothing new, I’ve know that I pass from a distance for a while now, I was hesitant to speak as it would break the illusion. I was happy that I didn’t have to lie to her, I chose not to carry a mobile phone with me.

The remainder of the day passed by too quickly, I’m plucking up my courage to join a walking club without my volunteer mentor and several other recorded hours were spent playing DragonBall Xenoverse 2 and South Park, I don’t like it, it’s too different from the first.

Ate a meat pie with gravy for dinner.

I’ll leave, if that’s what you want

Today it became apparent that there was no way out of the pay off, all I could do was minimise the damage. What spurred me into action was something that I caught in the corner of my eye, could have been my imagination but it looked like “unpaid invoice”, looks like I’m being chased for the money I owe. I didn’t have the courage to confess in person so I sent an email to both of my managers before going on lunch. No reply yet, I’ll keep calm by remembering that I can leave at any time but I’m so very disappointed in myself and it feels awful knowing that my stock has fallen in the eyes of others.

Looked like my new enemy (gender neutral? gay guy) was being punished for his slovenly behaviour, got assigned work on the oldest emails. I was on the late shift with him and was also annoyed to see him take a lengthy smoke break or at least that’s what I’m assuming it was. Also wasn’t happy when I saw the quirky guy trying to teach him the system operation that I taught him just yesterday. Couldn’t be too displeased when thinking about it objectively since a year ago he taught me a system operation too, without reward, though it was a simpler one.

Caught up to the One Piece manga.

I’m able to control my eating my better now, might be due to my current emotional state reducing my appetite.

Snitch

There was a train strike that I was unaware of so I had to take the tram to work, got in 15 minutes late, only second time this week. When I arrived, I learned that the quirky guy was doing the late shift today. We spoke about a fair few things, it was like a /brit/ thread. Got an opportunity to talk to the chocolate guy about DragonBall but I didn’t know where to start and I just spewed generic facts.

Called the quirky guy a normie again, he admitted his supposed social anxiety issues weren’t as bad as mine.

The chances of my coming clean about my screwup have just dropped, I snitched on the new gender neutral or something person on the term, they were unassigning emails from themself and I ended up answering them, it was annoying, not fair to everyone else and just plain lazy. I called him “lazy” in one of reports but I got a reply back from the quality to team advising me not to do that but they assured me that he would be coached. Later on I found another email he’d unassigned but this time I emailed my team manager and coach directly to tell him to stop. So clearly I now can’t expose myself for something massive after getting worked up over something so minor.

Got my dad to drive me home since there were no trains running. Read some more One Piece.

Virgin Freak

The new manager is still giving me special treatment and I’m still doing more work than I really want to be in response to this, literally cleared an entire queue again because she assigned it to me. It’s not about me not wanting to work harder/contribute more, it’s just that I don’t want to make any errors and it’s making it harder to come out about my £500 pay off, I may just end up leaving it for when I depart for my new job but then I’ll be hated and reviled afterwards.

Got quite a few interactions with social elements in today, spoke to 9 different people. The two pure social ones were with the quirky guy, sporadic stuff throughout the day and with one of the guys I originally listened to on a call back when I was training, during my lunch break, I used the Amazon Fire Stick, which is now plugged into the TV there, to watch Eastenders. He just asked who a character was.

The quirky guy started talking about an ex-girlfriend and being cruel when she threatened suicide, I provided responses but then shut me down with “you’ve never been in a relationship, have you?”, I let him know he was right. I’m considering telling him the mass murderer I idolised with Elliot Rodger since I’m pretty sure he already know, and this will make me appear part of a collective rather than a lone weirdo. Alternatively, might put him on the ropes by telling him I don’t have friends but I do have a volunteer mentor. He shares a lot of boring stories about his life.

I bought some superglue from a poundshop to repair my headphones but I just ended up completely destroying them. Also got it on my fingertips but I managed to remove it to some extent but using salt and water.

The chosen one returns

At work the new manager called me the “chosen one” again when she assigned me a specific queue to work on instead of just handing my a bunch of old emails. It’s probably because the other manager said something or to stop me from leaving too soon. I had a groggy start since I was still working on emails I picked up yesterday, I ended up answering some easy ones to inflate my workrate.

Conversation with colleagues was fine, even starting talking more to the guy sitting next to me. Also taught the quirky guy who to perform that system action that I thought everyone knew about, the one that I emailed out to everyone and I got a written warning or something off of it.

I did well on calories for once.

Normie work horse

The new manager has successfully figured out how to get me to work hard. She assigns me an interesting queue that the new people can’t be trusted to work on and then asks me to clear it, I take her up on the challenge since I feel it’s a show of respect.

I approached my team coach, in a what I thought was overly assertive and rude way, she replied that my approach was more natural than usual and I sounded like I genuinely wanted to talk to her. I said “I try”. I was caught off-guard, couldn’t reply with what I really though. After this I didn’t speak to anyone all day, even when I bought my lunch, I just nodded to the questions asked.

Wore a large t-shirt, not sure to what extent my cutting scars were exposed throughout the day since I changed my pose often.

At home I read some One Piece, might watch a bit of the anime just so I don’t feel as if I’m missing out on anything, though there isn’t much from the arc I want to see animated.