Literally can’t be fired

Got into work and saw a coworker. I was worried so I turned away. She was nice to me though when I saw her again, guess not everyone has read this blog. I get into the park area and see the chavvy pig standing on top of a picnic table surrounded by coworkers. I get stares and she shouts something about a pissbottle. Stand in the corner and read the football gossip on my phone.

Helped the manager with some boxes, got told to help set up the bouncy castle, get there and of looks like the clique from yesterday are working on it. “It looks like you guys have got it sorted, I’ll leave you to it”. Pig says she didn’t want my help anyway. I leave. I pass them again later on as we’re walking in opposite directions, she shoves me, like we’re in fucking school. I shout back at her “Don’t be so pathetic!”. I walk on as she loudly asks me to repeat myself. This happens very close to the area everyone is gathered.

Work is fine until I’m approached by my manager and a copper. Tells me an accusation was made. I apparently made sexually suggestive remarks about underage girls. Copper tells me not to worry, it’s been investigated, both he and my manager feel as if there is nothing like that on my blog. The guy who made the complaint claimed he was drunk when he was called back. Looks like I was right about what I thought the guy from yesterday was asking me. His accent was also confirmed as Irish, means he is definitely the Vocaroo guy from Wednesday. Manager and I have several chats during the day, he sympathises, thinks my blog is well “scripted”, tells me he and everyone else in the park have read it. I confess my stalking charges, he is forgiving. I am much more comfortable speaking around him now.

Get given info by the copper to remove any doubt regarding who grassed me up. Manager talks about freedom of speech and consequences. Quite a smart guy, points and social movements often forget the human rights charter doesn’t protect you there. He has a word with the others still. I have a sit down with the operations director and the manager towards the end of the day, they’re understanding, not firing me but they’re concerned and want to ensure I know why and straighten up. Wish I could see myself through their eyes.

Pig wears a sour face and gives me evils all day.

I work on clearing up an area mostly alone but a couple of people thank or actually help me. Sure they know but they don’t care.

Leave, buy cereal. Not sure why the others loiter.

Told Chad about the day.

Leaving /brit/.

It’s all gone to shit again

Work dragged a bit longer than usual. Noticed people were doing this weird salute instead of nodding or smiling to acknowledge each other. Before leaving I took care of packing some stuff away with the little blonde girl.

I’m first to leave. Before exiting the car park area a colleague who I have never spoken to before tells me to hold on, leaving his backpack on the floor. I note this but he replies “someone else will get it”. Whips out his phones and shows me a page, I recognise instantly that it’s my blog. Has an accent, pretty sure he was the vocaroo guy replying to me yesterday. I ask him if he’s from /brit/, doesn’t answer or deflects. Hard to make out what he’s saying, sounded like “Is this about 5 and 10 year olds?”, I mutter something about “4chan…a character..just a gimmick…it’s funny”. Couldn’t get my defence straight. “Doesn’t matter, I think it’s quite obviously about us”. I could hear that quite clearly. 4 more colleagues arrive, helpful guy, little blonde, stoic break/log flume trainer guy and friend of my original trainer who I never speak to.

None of them except the short fat, chavvy mate of my trainer speaks. She’s offended I called her best friend “chubby”, fat people get offended just by looking in a fucking mirror it seems. I was trying to avoid derogatory terms so I dislike that this is what she’s taking issue with. I point out that I was mostly complimentary of them. She’s offended that I even wrote about them at all. Also picks out the little blonde girl. I shut up entirely now, there’s no excusing that. Just let her go on her generic chavvy tirade. They back off, I walk away. “Go home to your 7 litres of piss!” the animal bellows. I muster a reply “Don’t I deserve any sympathy?”, she tells me to piss my pants some more. I wonder how much they have read and the behind the scenes details such as how information was circulated and discussed. I saw them all laughing as I turned to leave. Eastern Euro guy who I never spoke to stands with me, semi-defends me, (hebis just bantering with his mates but it is a deflection) I hurry my departure.

Will apologise to the blonde girl tomorrow, get there early, stand by the clocking in machine. I was a cunt and she’s genuinely a nice person. I don’t think most of the staff know, I hope this was just a warning shot and I’ve not been reported to management. On the bright side this should open up dialogue between me and the others, break down barriers, they know me now. I really liked these coworkers just like my last ones, just said some stupid shit that outweighed all the nice stuff.

Only defence coming to mind is that everyone backbites and maybe that if they don’t like my blog they shouldn’t read it, no names are used so it’s harmless on its own.

Had some strong opinions regarding the guilty plea earlier in the day but that’s all gone straight out of my head.

Will be flipping the blog on and off private for a while.

Trial update

Met with my solicitor today, took about an hour to reach his office in a residential district nestled between a bookies and a convenience store. I sat down, asked me what I was up to, laughed when I mentioned the amusement park. The man reminded me of the charges and read out one of the victim statements. I cringed, he laughed once. Ashamed of how pathetic I was. Agreed there was no wriggling out of this so we’re pleading guilty at the pre-trial thing on the 28th of AUGUST. There won’t be a trial since I am likely to get “hammered”.

Disappointed my brief hadn’t actually read my blog or posts, few errors he made that I’m not happy about such as thinking I was banned from using the internet but ultimately it matters very little, fucked up enough that the spots where I’m innocent are irrelevant. Just upset that my actions and intentions are being misunderstood. He asked a few questions, such as how the uni is treating me, presumably he will argue I’ve been punished enough.

I didn’t have any questions in my head when I went out to see him, so I didn’t ask much, such as the gameplan or what of we did go to trial. Spent most of the hour reading the statements, illuminating, what they thought of me and how things played out.

“I was just trying to be nice”

“We were never friends”

“I don’t think he had a girlfriend”

“I never saw him speak to anyone”

“He didn’t seem to have any friends” – both girls

The roommate seemed to have been pushed into it, (partially by me) just considered me a nuisance. Can’t go into any details about the other one here but again it’s interesting to know how seriously people take little games others play. Unhappy despite her short obsession with me at no point did she seem to feel any fondness from me, I believe I was originally very complimentary to her, placed her on a pedestal, bombarding her with praise. Being an obsessive stalker alone should be flattering, it’s just another way of saying ‘cuck’.

Getting a fine. Hoping the fact I’ll be unemployed at the end of the month will factor. Got a little aggressive with the solicitor and apologised. Will schedule another meeting and ask for details on our plea and to read the statements again, I am not allowed copies, loved reading them though, it was a substitute for actually interacting with the girls.

What I want above all else is understanding. Unfortunately though I can’t vocalise myself well enough as I’m unsure of parts of the narrative myself, get a little hooked on them, brief asked if I was obsessed and I said it was a gimmick, I don’t even know the truth anymore. Probably ashamed of being so pathetic (obsessed), would rather be malicious (gimmick). Getting community service instead of a fine would also be preferable, money is worth more to me than time.

Still using pissbottles.

Hoping I’ll be allowed to contact the girls and clear the air after this is over.

Reminder this is all fiction and doesn’t refer to real people or events.

I’m not sad or angry. I’m confused and unfulfilled.

“Fuck off”

Manager wasn’t in today, instead it was the operations director taking charge. He put me back on the log flume. I generally enjoyed my day, there is much more to do, I don’t mind the physical labour, I welcome it even, though I was a little worn by the end of the day, my mind was less tired. Did wet myself, just a little, few minutes before break, removed my underwear when I could.

The manager is the man on the ground, he knows I’m an idiot and shit at my job. For some reason the operations director respects me. I thought of was a bad cop/good cop thing but I suspect he wants to hire me after I graduate. He visited me while I was working, told me his plans to develop the park and was candid regarding his opinions on my coworkers. Felt valued, good about myself.

I can’t tell how old kids are, I assume many are 16, turns out ones who I think are teenagers have ages that range from 9-12. Let one small kid on the ride with her 12 year old sister, next time around I asked her age, didn’t let her on, told her she needed an adult. Figured I’d do my job properly. Her dad comes up,pissed that I let her pon earlier but not this time. Said he had pictures. I asked him if he was blackmailing me and told him to fuck off. He went straight to the operations director. Came back to me. I admitted what happened, said I’d understand if he were to fire me. He told me it wasn’t a big deal, just apologise and give him a free ride. Later told me he found it hard to believe I said what I did considering I was one of the best employees, made me feel good about myself again but also bad for disappointing him. The guy I told to fuck off was apparently someone who I had spoken to earlier, he said I had been nice all day.

Should have kept my cool, would have been more satisfying. I don’t know where this anger, defensiveness and impatience is coming from. The confidence and aggressiveness make little sense also.

Little blonde girl is still as bright as ever.

During my break my trainer was loading up the cars on the ride like I was yesterday when I was told off.

Pizza night was fine. Talked about normal shit. Don’t think I fucked up or said anything weird. Dominos is shit and overpriced, 4 for £30. Had 2 ciders and a beer, still hate the taste of beer. Everyone turned in a bit before 11 because they had work tomorrow. Don’t think I like or hate the guys anymore than before, didn’t dig deep despite 4 hours of chatter without pause. Time went quick, so I must have enjoyed myself. Chinese Chad used my plate.

Interesting point to note is that Chads gf doesn’t like nightclubs and pubs. Quality gf material tbh.

Brain rot

Not many people turned up to work today. Too drunk/tired from yesterday no doubt. One of the rides had to be shut for a while, I was moved onto it, had another misunderstanding with my manager. I asked if I should grab the keys (from the ticket office), he nodded, turns out the keys were already in the ride. Before I realised that J got the two individuals at the ticket office to repeatedly laugh at my attempts to use a walkie talkie. I was being told to “hold it”, thought they meant the walkie talkie itself not the button on the side.

I fucked up. Health and safety. Loaded people onto the cars too early. I thought I was just inconveniencing myself, don’t think I was explicitly told it was dangerous. Manager came up. Looked pissed because he was, I don’t think it was that he couldn’t shout at me but under his brash exterior is a nice guy. He was as nice as he could be while having a conversation that included the words “the bottom line is that people could die”. Told me if I don’t understand something I shouldn’t assume, I should just ask him. Still felt terrible even though he didn’t really chew me out or even harshly tell me off. Sent me back to the other ride. Was in a foul mood the rest of the day. Don’t want to come back here, only reason I’m still employed is the understaffing issue, they need me more thanI need them. Tempted to leave.

I used to be smart and a quick learner back in high school and sixth form, since then my mind has rotted, can’t understand jobs for simpletons. I even struggle to understand mechanics in new JRPGs resulting in me dropping the genre completely. It was probably the anime and isolation that did it. I went two 3 month stretches as a hiki, lived on my own, no talking, no showers, just anime and masturbating. This was between dropping out of uni the first time and starting my current course. I hope I have a tumour or something else I can blame.

Girl on the ride asked if her (and her bf) could stay on, get a free ride. I asked why I would do that, she kept pleading, delusional mare said she “wouldn’t tell anyone”. I might be a beta but I’m not a cuck. She fucked off eventually.

4 5/10s were miming the lyrics to “I kissed a girl” on my ride, it was hot as fuck and they knew what they were doing. We had a few exchanges, so I felt a personal connection.

Blonde girl isn’t as popular as I thought. She was talking to me when she had no reason to even be near me.

Bit of backbiting going on, wonder what they say about me.

2 new female coworkers have been hired. My days might be numbered after all. There are 3 weeks of work left and I’m guaranteed hours this week at least, so not a huge loss, £500.

Saw two of the managers from the McDonald’s branch I was working at on the bus. Turns out they’re fucking. Surprising, I’m not good at estimating ages but I thought there was a sizeable age gap between them and they wasn’t defective, well built, thought he could do better. He looked pretty uncomfortable when he saw me, guessing this relationship is maybe supposed to be a secret. He is quite young for a manager. Felt quite smug though I have no issue with these guys.

Got Hearthstone on my tablet. Don’t need a PC to root.

Whatsapp chat with siblings and cousins went well.

Bought siblings late birthdays presents. Murukami books.

7 litres of piss sitting in my room. Pissbottles are used for convenience as well as to avoid social interaction.

“Cannabis” seeds arrived. Got some stickers and a catalogue with them too.

Hearthstone and the seeds really picked me up.

Bear

Had to train that peppy little blonde female on my ride again. She has terrible skin, probably an actual medical condition, not wearing any makeup either. Took in her shape, looks like a boy. Most of the guys are better looking than her so she likely isn’t getting as much attention as she’d like. She was very friendly and familiar with me but I never forgot the phrase “If she’s nice to you, then she’s nice to everyone”. A tap on the shoulder and constant smiles were nice, I’m mature enough to admit that but I know it’s all a show, it also bothers me that she seems to have integrated herself into the group better than myself and that management seem to like her. My conversations with her during training were no different than if I had been speaking to a male, talked about the ride and work in general. She did her cutesy shtick that I wasn’t biting, “lol, look at this shirt, it’s so big for me, it’s like a dress!”, heard her do the same joke again 6 hours later.

I was told to move back onto the Log Flume to finish my training and assessment later in the day. It was a priority apparantly, get me onto a tough ride and the female onto an easy one. The guy was smiling and joking and shit, felt comfortable that he was comfortable with me. I was able too banter a little. He was doing pull ups on one of the supports, cool guy. He was helpful and understanding. I was anxious about the training and test. Another guy came by later, he has always been nice, he was just as nice this time, gave me a nickname, heard everyone has one on my first day, because I struggle to pull the carts on the ride, the guy ironically said I was “strong as a bear”, so my nickname is now “bear”. Maybe I really do have a reputation for being weak. Was offered help moving signs this morning too. The nickname alongside starting up a conversation with a colleague who I had not spoken to before earlier in the day (he came across as dim) made me feel like a genuine member of the team.

I passed the assessment though I felt it was generous. Nice guy told me some of the answers on the written test, it’s expected. My body is sore from pulling the carts on the ride, won’t last if I’m always going to be on the Log Flume.

Operations Director gathered everyone at the end of our shifts, congratulated us on 3 weeks service and offered is a free drink and game of bowling in the nearby building also owned by the amusement park. I was up for it at first but as everyone was loitering, smoking and forming groups of friends, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. In these types of situations I need someone to hold me hand. Decided I wasn’t comfortable with the whole thing and walked passed the bowling alley after collecting my rucksack, walked passed colleagues at the bowling reception, passed smokers outside and just walked on to the bus stop. I did hear two guys or maybe one guy twice ask “Where is he going?”, kinda wanted someone to chase after me or at least talk to me before I left. Felt quite choked up. Not angry at myself, just want to forget, I didn’t want to join the bowling, I wanted to want to join them.

What I disliked most was how no matter how pleasant people were around me one on one, it was just them being a decent human being, meant nothing to them. Hated seeing people who I had earlier had interactions with brighten up around their real pals. The same is true for guys “if they’re nice to you ….”. Don’t like group situations, highlights I’m the odd one out or that I’m not even part of the group. Going to go to the GP and book an appointment tomorrow morning. Try CBT.

At home both roommates were in the kitchen, said “hi”, got changed, had a few words with them. I talk too much about work. Chad fucked off. Spilled my heart to Chinese Chad. Told him about the bowling, anxiety, CBT and the girl at work. He shared personal experience, offered sympathy and advice. Easy to talk to maybe because English isn’t his native language and so he doesn’t seem like a real person, there’s a detachment there.

Tomorrow I will root this tablet using the library computers so I can play Hearthstone. GP. Schedule redelivery of my tablet box. Paki shop vacancy the day after.

Should maybe talk to my friend, not sure what I want him to say though.

Pizza Tuesday?

Chinese roommate called towards the end of my shift, assumed the worst when I missed the call, assumed my pissbottles had been found or that the police had come knocking. Turns out he just forgot his keys.

Since I had to encounter him when letting him into the house, a conversation between is was triggered. A conversation that lasted 2 and a half hours. It was easy to talk to him as always, no anxiety and the time passed by quickly though I would rather have been in my room. Easy to talk to since mundane shit can become a conversation thread due to cultural differences. Maybe because English isn’t his native tongue and he is foriegn he makes me feel smarter, the alpha, though his English is brilliant, better than some locals.

He speaks candidly, like an internet conversation with some of the topics he brings up and opinions he spouts. Feminists don’t want true equality, bitching about diversity though he called it “equality”, though to his credit he hated when Chinese were pandered to on cinema also, racial slurs,  I noted the word “paki”, he repeated it and asked for racial slurs concerning Chinese people, I said “chink”. Spoke about film and this led me to feel uncomfortable as I realised he, like most people, is smarter than me. Wanted to talk about the meanings behind Pulp Fiction and Fight Club. Told him to watch more Tarantino, it’s meaningless, just stylish, fun shit. Beer. Politics. Economics. He bought up my meds again, I told him they’re betablockers for anxiety. Told me about CBT, 6 month waiting time since it’s recommended for almost anything involving mental health.

Chad left a note on the fridge suggesting Pizza on Tuesday and roommate bonding. I was wrong to piss in his milk, I regret it. He is trying, I’m not. He arrived in person later, only spoke with him briefly. He is also smarter than me. Both of my roommates have more in common than me, both are gym fiends and have read 1984, Chad has a subscription to TIME and Chinese Chad is as elite as most foreign students, he’s not a mainlander. Guess I could go for the Pizza and try to bond, have to really, would be rude otherwise, not sure what his expectations are.

Chinese Chad doesn’t like football and is lukewarm towards anime, I’ve not got anything else.

Work was different today, got trained up on different ride, the log flume. My trainer was the stoic guy who trained me on the kiddie rollercoaster and covers me breaks. He was more talkative this time and smiled. I’m glad he was friendly. Comes across as a Chad, made some tweaks to his uniform, weird ear piercing, 6 foot and a beard. I was less intimidated once I noticed his nasal hair and teeth. Didn’t talk much but what words we did exchange were fine, all work related, little bit of work related banter. He did use a phrase to describe the ride that I also did with two other colleagues. Thought it suspicious..

The log flume is not a fun ride to work, requires physical strength, need to pull the cars (full of people), when they get stuck. Trainer was pushing them with his feet, I couldn’t get the movement right though I only tried twice when he was looking away, instead I pulled them from the handles using my hand and back. Will destroy me over the long term.

Had to relay a couple of messages throughout the day, messed up both times, not listening, forgot, assumed the other guy would just know.

Like the new little blonde girl even less. She did greet me in the morning, I didn’t reply, her issue being her voice and such is very “LOLSORANDUM”. Didn’t like her gaudy sunglasses and how she wore them on her head either.

I had to move around a bit, between rides today, spoke to a few people, dropped a few names, felt like one of the team.

Dress shoes are worn, falling apart.

Saw the gap toothed Polish woman from McDonalds on the street as I was on the bus. Weird, three times now since I was fired.

Things are on an upwards trajectory.

Would be in a pretty good place on my life if I was 18-20, a summer job is nice, ggetting on with roommates is also nice but it’s all a little late in the game for me, I failed the game of life, my targets are now just existing in comfort.

Upward Swing

Work was fine. Busy.

Think I have a reputation for being weak. Kid younger and smaller than me told others to help me and him move a few boxes, I say us but he said “Help him”. My trainer, a chubby 20 year old told me to do the easiest part when packing up the bouncy castle, they pulled from the sides and I pulled unnecessarily from the middle. I’m fine with it as long as people understand that I want to contribute and be a team player.

Being a beta again as far as letting people onto the ride if they’re slight below the height limit. Too much effort to tell them to fuck off. Guy called me “boss”. Felt I got his respect at the end of the day though when I said I hoped he and his family had a good day out, he gave me an extended thank you.

Felt bad for turning away some customers after I had shut down the ride. They had bought tokens specifically for it. Hope the tokens can be converted back to cash.

Had some good short interactions with several colleagues throughout the day including my manager. They made jokes and I reacted well, with laughter or playing along. It’s a very solitary job, I only mix with coworkers at the start and end of my shift.

Bastards are underpaying me. Just checked me account and for the 2 weeks work + 2 weekends I only have around £380, need to request a payslip. Probably won’t, just hope it all works out.

Colleague saw me at the checkout at the supermarket, had good look at my shopping, luckily the only vaguely embarrassing thing I bought was Pepsi (potatoes, coleslaw and mini weetabix cereal were the other items).

The advert for the paki shop vacancy is still up.

Not saying I poured piss into Chads milk, not saying when I did it, just going to say I feel much better about the situation. At least I did until I saw him using PLATE when I got back from work.

Had a potato today.

Short conversation with Chinese roommate, got a look at his legs, looks to be in good shape. Spoke about vidya, he likes Statecraft but he’s not a weeb or any kind of autist. The guy has superb social skills, makes me feel good about myself. We had a laugh when he made a joke relating to a package that had arrived for me.

Got my new tablet. 7″ is good enough.

Lower level of Hell

Stopped taking my betablockers a while ago, don’t know if they were doing anything but I’ve not been feeling anything since stopping and had no qualms about saying stupid shit. Used the word ‘cunt’ in front of that female trainee a few days ago. I need a filter and feeling terrified is better than feeling nothing. Don’t want to blame the tablets for seemingly regressing though.

Chad was in the kitchen all fucking day, from when I returned home at 2pm to 10pm at least. He doesn’t have a desk in his bedroom so he uses the table in the kitchen, he uses the kitchen like it is an extension of his room or a living room. What I liked about this place was the lack of a living room, less pressure to interact with the other flatmates. Spent all day working and watching shitty sitcoms. Fucking inconsiderate cunt, how would he like it if I spent all day using that room they way he did?

Went to the pissbottles several times, topped off the Lucozade and soaked the carpet a little. Got over 3 litres now. Chad could most certainly hear me handling the bottles and adjusting my trajectory. Logically it made no sense for my to avoid going to the bathroom.

Did get brave and leave to buy Doritos at 8, figured he already knew I was home and I wouldn’t have to see him, just remind him of my existence again and generate another opinion on me. Couldn’t eat them though as he would hear my munching.

Chinese roommate came back and drank beer with Chad, they hung out for 2 hours in the kitchen. Didn’t invite me to drink with them despite knowing I was home. It was Chads beer, he’s the one at fault. He clearly doesn’t like me. He shits on me, I piss on him.

Weird how the Chinese guy brought up Chads gf again, “would you rather have a successful career or be unemployed and have your gf?”

Chinese roommate too residence in the kitchen after Chad. No headphones but I use his washing powder so have to cut him some slack.

Heard Chad talking to his gf over Skype or something. I’m not feeling the chemistry between the two of them. There conversations aren’t interesting or fun though she laughs. Watched Spoony and his gf review wrestling, he seems to tolerate her. Don’t understand bf/gf relations at all.

Went into town to print off CVs, the guys forced to work at the job centre are always such gimps. Realised I hadn’t put my name on my CV outside my email, possible the reason for my bad luck hunting for work. Frustrating walking through town. Home had its problems too bit I prefer the people to be miserable and scummy. Hate the people here.

I would describe myself as Muslim. All I have done so far is avoid the haram chicken sandwiches for lunch but it’s a start.

TGIW

bought a £30 tablet, should be good enough for Hearthstone and the other shit I need to keep track of. Lost out on at least 250 gold so far. I bought it on eBay, while using it I realised the seller who sold me my phone sent the wrong device. Need to complain.

Making £252 a week before claiming back tax. 6 weeks work cancels out the 6 weeks I was NEET, I break even. Not sure of the point in continuing to exist. Things might get better when I get my laptop back. Play STARLESS or simply be more comfy doing the things I am doing now.

Felt bad after acting strangely at work again, “you haven’t left yet?” is what I heard.

Glad to finally have a day off. Need to wash my uniform, the shirt collar is filthy but the washing machine is full.

Going to drop off a CV to that paki shop and small claims court claim tomorrow.