More Nothing

Didn’t need to leave the house again today. Not doing anything with my day other than watching Boardwalk Empire, wrestling, a little Hearthstone, masturbating and shitposting. I want to get back to watching anime, my life was better when I was watching 10+ shows a season, want to get back to that point, I was happy, busy and had interests if nothing else.

The femdom videos from yesterday were mostly crap. They all either had poor scripting, acting or the actress wasn’t attractive enough.

Something that’s been bothering me since Sunday, the day I worked, when I was being introduced to my colleagues by my trainer, I said “hi”, when being introduced to another colleague, a young qt grlll, I said “hi again”, she giggled, I must have sounded silly. I don’t know what she was thinking but I don’t like it. I don’t like that I looked socially inept.

Realised I’d been drinking Chads milk for the last 2 days, I can now understand how such a mistake can transpire, good thing I didn’t do anything rash. I rectified my error by pouring some of my milk into his bottle.

Chinese Chad is around, brought his gf over last night and she spent some of the day and the night here again.

I’m avoiding my roommate but I am prepared once we do cross paths, I’ll tell them about my job. The key to conversational ability is life experiences.

Had cookies and warm milk for dinner.

Want a haircut, need to keep cool working under the sun, feel confident somewhat regarding getting one even though I’m not 100% sure on what to say, the barber seems to know.

Probably not learning Polish.

Silence

Neither Chad nor Chinese Chad are here at the moment, guess it’s their turn to visit home. Suspect Chad might have been involved in a car accident, it’s so strange to leave your bedroom door wide open while you leave town. It’s earsplittingly quiet, it’s driving me mad just like the ruckas back home.

Stayed home all day, chest hurts, likely the result of poor diet and lack of exercise. Ate cereal, hummus, cheese sandwiches and some of the chocolate my mum packed for me. Couldn’t find anything to watch other than Boardwalk Empire which is no longer entertaining. Spent a few hours looking for femdom videos on a private tracker, found some adequate stuff, should keep me busy for a day or two even though I felt terrible after ejaculating.

Used my free time to collect some pics, would be much more convenient with a desktop computer or laptop, I’ve help on this long with a tablet, may as well see it through the next 3 months until I get my machine back. Made a discovery, last year I was puzzled when there were absolutely no updates on her page for the 6 months after she added me, it turns out she marked me in such a way that these would be invisible to me. Further confirms she was suspicious of me all along, I don’t understand why though, I didn’t give her much reason to treat me like that, unless she had unpleasant dealings with people similar to myself and I don’t understand why she responded to kindly to me or why she responded to me at all when she clearly wanted nothing to do with me. Always held her up on a pedestal, there are contradictions but I think she is a bad person. She deserved it. I was right with my original thinking. I did nothing wrong, I regret nothing regarding her. To clarify, none of this is regarding my former classmate.

Might make the blog private for a bit, some lads on /brit/ are fucking with me, might try to get me fired.

Workin’ 11 to 6

Started my new job today as a ride operator at an amusement park, it’s a small one, only 13 rides, mostly for kids. I got to the area a little early so I bought myself a £1 sandwich and a bottle of water to increase the chances of the day going well. I said job but really it was a trial. Arrived there, introduced myself to the desk, the seemingly Polish woman at the reception misheard my name, it was very loud in the bowling alley/arcade, I had to spell it out for her. I know I was speaking clearly, whose mind does it even cross that a name contains the letter “Z”?

Around an hour later I get to meet the leader of the team I’ll be working in. There was a little confusion regarding where he wanted me to wait and I sat on a wet bench for a period. Spend half an hour or longer filling out forms with him. My prospective contract is zero-hours and rate of pay is minimum wage less NI & PAYE, unhappy about the PAYE deduction as I will not be earning above the nil rate band and I will likely not be receiving a refund (I did not when working my placement). The leader guy, who looks like Jeff Goldblum currently made a joke, felt I was dense enough that it needed to be explained that he was joking (it kinda did tbf).

They put me on a ride with a trainer, easy enough, there are only a few button, start, stop, raise bar, lower bar, power off. Use 3 of the buttons, the stop is only for special situations, the ride will stop naturally just from pushing the start button alone. I asked a few questions of my own regularly to make it sound like I was focused. Received compliments from my trainer which I enjoyed. Handled a young man with autism well, saw old him to raise his hand if he felt uncomfortable on the ride and that I’d be watching him the whole time, I smiled a lot at him, was told later that I receive praise from customers. Felt good again. My trainer was friendly, spoke to me a lot, told me everyone in the team was friends with each other, they walk down to the bus stop together, the job is all about banter. Took 2 tablets in the morning, anxiety wasn’t much of an issue, I just didn’t know how to respond to some of the things she was saying or how to start a new conversation when the old one had died. Good work, easy stuff, I’m good at it, everyone knows it, not so good socially. Told her about McDonalds, no specifics. Had to tell everyone to raise their hands before lowering the bar, H&S, Alton Towers etc. Many people went on the ride multiple times, some of them started parotting me and giggling, my trainer said the same thing, I’m not sure why they did that, felt a little like I was being mocked and a little like I had made a positive impression. My trainer said she would have no problem with me operating this ride on my own, I really had done a good job and made a positive impression on some people.

She took me around to meet everyone later, they’re all friendly too, this seems to be normal for people. Turns out I’m the third oldest person working in the team ignoring the leader and supervisor, the other two are much older than me. Not liking this, feels pathetic. I was only hired because they are severely understaffed and desperate to fill the shortage quickly, a blow to my self esteem, it’s just like McDonalds. Team meeting at the end of the shift, the park will be open 7 days a week for 6 weeks over the summer holidays, people had the option of working more days, up to 7 though the team leader thought it unlikely people would be capable of that. I was the only one who said 7. People turned around to look at me. Felt like a big shot. Might need a couple of days off to visit home again so probably shouldn’t have done that. There was some shit about photographing the rota with phones but I ignored that, same time next weekend, not sure if they were talking about the first full week and I blanked. I left the room and went home. Forgot to clock out.

Learned my lesson, not going to slag anyone off, going to steer way clear of that minefield, don’t want to lose my job. Will be sparce on the details, no negative shit, no opinions on the quality of the qts. Reading her comments, I guess she does care in her own way. The other one though is a lost cause, she didn’t reply to my apology, she went and reported me straight away, no chance of opening a dialogue with her, ever.

Lost my bus ticket, had to fork out an addition £2.60. No change so it went upto £3.00.

Got another missed call from the unknown caller, was working at the time so couldn’t answer it. Curious who it could be, they refuse to text me. Must be an employer. Worried who it could be also.

Knackered. Absolutely shatter. Stood in the blazing sun for hours in my office shoes (which need a clean). I am in pain.

Chad left the house early today and did not return. His motorcycle is gone and the door to his room has been left wide open. It’s interesting, shows he doesn’t value his own privacy, he has no barriers, that’s why he acts the way he does. It’s a two way street, I don’t like it much, but it is fair. Unless he pulls some other shit, I’ll leave him be. Other reason I’m cutting him slack is that I read urinating in his drink counts as poisoning or something similar. He has a box of beer in the kitchen, wonder of he had a party while I was away? The bathroom door has been fixed, it no longer squeaks.

£1500 is the amount of money I’ll be making over the 6 weeks, around about there anyway, should cover 3 months of rent and food. Big weight off my mind, plan on feeling good until my next shift this weekend.

Poundland is also hiring a sales assistant, weekends, 16 hours, shame I currently have a job, would have been worth a punt.

“Home”

My train was at 6am, dad drove me to the station early as usual. My little sister woke up go see me off too, I didn’t realise and I don’t understand why she cares so much. Tried talking to her and touching her a bit so she knew I appreciated it. Dad asked for my address, I told him to fuck off, he wants to come up, I am certain. Mum gave me a bag of snacks for the ride and to eat while there, had most of my birthday chocolate left too. Was anxious about leaving, had to masturbate twice. Didn’t get much if any sleep due to the early departure time.

Trait journey was not fun, tried watching Boardwalk Empire on my tablet but I was feeling to sick and drowsy the whole trip, the journey to 7 hours the only positives were the qts and feet, there was one female walking around Manchester Picadilly barefoot, one with electric blue hair outside the bathroom, tights across me and one wearing the same footwear as her in my favourite pic. Figured out it’s not so much certain girls can’t pull of tights well, it’s more I like them sheer and hate anything too opaque. I was greatful to be able to rest when I got home. I slept for 6 hours, masturbated too because I felt like doing some weird stuff and needed to get it out of my head.

Chad flatmate could be heard cleaning the entire house, heard his parents arrive later and him leave. Guess that makes me the odd one out again. The scumbag didn’t realise I was back and while he was cleaning the place he tried to open my door (left unlocked when I left, since been locked from the inside while I’m in as usual). Guess that means it’s not that uncommon to enter your housemates rooms while they are out or just the he’s filth

Woke up at around 8 and noticed an email from my previous landlord/roommate, he wanted my address to send me a cheque for my deposit (Told him to do a bank transfer, it’s neater and mor common) and for my student number, presumably again, apparently the council is asking for it. Think I’m liable for a bit during the period I’m suspended from uni, one of the reasons I didn’t want to stay up here too long without a job.

Had 2 beta blocker tablets today because I was feeling particularly anxious.

Start work tomorrow, or the trial at least. Need black shoes, will wear my black office shoes as I don’t have the strength or will to go to ASDA and buy work shoes with grip for £25.

There was some cultural fair going on in the town centre, it was also hot and aa Saturday. Did not appreciate hoew it brought all the normies out. I had to observe them for some time while waiting for the bus with milk and cereal in hand (need change for the bus so had to buy something, needed it anyway).

If I don’t get regular work, I’m ending my tenancy at the end of July.

Bye

Anxious about leaving now, I’m feeling comfortable here now. Little harder to unwind but I have no responsibilities which can be nice.

Took my little sisters to watch Jurassic World, used to take them occasionally when they were younger, not sure why I stopped. Probably because it was a hassle. Didn’t like the film, characters were too flat, when characters are paper thin they seem like normies, normies situations and exchanges make me feel unpleasant emotions. I like the original Jurassic Park a lot, this film was a completely different beast. Good to have done an activity togehter, I’m sure.

I sorted out the tax credits shit, fucked up that neither of them thought of the simple compromise of splitting the amount they’re entitled to. Mum brought me some food to take back with me. She had me leave the house earlier to get 2lbs of lamb mince meat from the cash & carry. I just wore what I had on, that happened to be a black and white Naruto T-shirt, I wore it unironically and then ironically for a while but it’s been relegated to being worn only a few times a year indoors now since I’ve learned better. Wore a jacket too, there was light drizzle. A girl giggled as she walked passed me, pretty sure she looked at me, I zipped up. At the cash & carry I forgot if my mother asked for 2 pounds or 2 kilos so I left the queue and went back home empty handed.

Got a two 60 gold quests on Hearthstone in a row.

Need to get some interests, my placement year really fucked me up, it was anime before that but it stripped me of much of my free time, it’s been difficult getting back into it all. My lack of interests is probably why I drifted onto /sp/, /r9k/ and /brit/.

Sister and a cousin are heading to Tunisia in a month or so. Little worried it hope they aren’t and enjoy their holiday without looking over their shoulders.

Mum wanted me to visit my gran since she isn’t well and I haven’t seen her for a year. I wasn’t feeling up to it, I would just say “hi” and sit down for half an hour. We were apparently close when I was younger, I can’t speak the same language as her so not sure how, feel bad but would likely feel bad for disappointing her too.

There’s a “shisha & sports bar” opening on Eid near my house, sounds cool. Never tired shisha, not interested in it but I like the idea of a sports bar, that’s apparently what /sp/ was simulating.

Almost over

Spent almost the entire day to myself, was bored, time flows even more slowly here when I’m alone. Mum is disappointed I’m leaving so soon. It was difficult to explain why I wanted to leave.

Did get a little triggered looking over some stuff, thought about those individuals I was obsessed over, it hurt. Feeling better now.

My sister is doing some teaching course, on placement right now, recalled a story of how she handled a fat kid and unhealthy reward treats. Despite being critical of obese people I don’t think her treatment of the situation was correct, felt bad and let her know it, my mother agreed with me.

Said I would take my youngest sistersto to the cinema tomorrow, not sure if I will follow through.

Birthday

My dad spoke to me a two days ago, said he hadn’t been sleeping and wanted more info on my arrest. I put his mind to rest. He was able to pry it out of me that it involved a female and she was white. Said if came down to racist comments and that I had never interacted with the individual accusing me but I was guilty. He called it bad luck. Don’t like sympathy, don’t like the other extreme, the people who post here react the best, even the hostile ones because they have read everything and come from a similar background.

Had another vivid dream, must have something to do with it being quite hot in my room. It’s good stuff, genuinely want to go back to the dream when I’ve woken up, feel like I’ve lost something.

My birthday was today. Hate that I am reminded of how badly I have failed at life and that the people around me pretend otherwise. I told my mother I didn’t want to mark the occasion but she insisted, told her I didn’t want any gifts but again she insisted. She bought me some clothes, I don’t by clothes for myself, I have been told I don’t dress well. It might be true but I am not concerned, never cared about how other perceive me and I don’t believe my personality can convincingly carry what is currently considered fashionable. Glad for the gifts though, I probably need new clothes even if I don’t want them.

Got some chocolates and other bits and pieces too. We ate Pizza and I watched the last three episodes of JoJo on apthe large living room television. Found the fight itself disappointing, impossible to live up to the hype though. People found my disinterest regarding proceeding as amusing so harm done despite expressing myself as I wished.

Good day I suppose, even I forgot about my problems for a bit. However when I blew out my candles instead of wishing for my problems to disappear I wished for something more sinister, I know that doesn’t reflect well on me and implies I would rather get even by dragging everyone else to my level than being given the opportunity to claw myself up to everyone else’s.

Mum and dad had a row concerning tax credits, it was uncomfortable, both of them are pretty bad, both have a point, both behaved like children. Believe the issue is that my mother wants a cut of the credits because she used Child Benefits to feed the kids in the past but my dad wants the credits because he spent £4200 on my sisters car insurance, both believe they are owed by the other individual. Not happy with my dads tone and the paki language shittalking I assumed he was doing. Told him to fuck off. He really got on my nerves earlier in the day when he politely and ignorantly asked why I didn’t look into getting accounting work. Felt like stabbing him.

Nonsensical petty shit, my mother paid for the Pizza, she goes to bed, father comes back from work, grabs a slice, little sister tells my dad he can’t have any because mother paid for it (my mother always says that), father declares his intention to pay her back in full for the cost (which he always does), there’s a back and forth and he weakly snaps at her. She can be dense and he can be ugly.

Much prefer the peace and quiet after midnight, all alone downstairs in my little bubble than being around people. Stress free, drama free, might need to to take more beta blockers to feel this way all the time.

There was some shit getting married too. Nipped that in the bud. I’m in a terrible place in most respects and hate myself, I wouldn’t wish myself on another human being and I doubt anyone would want me in my current state. Those aren’t the reasons I am against it though, I just don’t want to spend my existence with another human being, I like my alone time. Doesn’t make sense considering I hated being alone a few months ago. I don’t know. Maybe having regular interactions with my new roommates, family and friend over the last month has tired me out.

Just Nothing

Being home is worse than being on my own, I do so much less now, just /brit/ and Hearthstone. Can’t get in the mood to watch a show.

Had a vivid dream about someone I shouldn’t have.

Mum asked me to go to the supermarket and get a birthday cake for myself, she was just trying to get me out of the house, I didn’t want a cake or anything but figured she would buy it herself if I didn’t. The trip to the supermarket was pleasant, walked through the park, it was warm, not many people out even though I waited until after 5pm so no one would think I was a NEET. Approaching the trolley barrier outside the store a shirtless man was walking in the opposite direction, he was in good shape, quite sexually intimidating. Knocked me back as I had put some effort into getting dressed today. I figited through the barrier and instead of waiting for me to get through, he jumped over the thing. Cool.

The actual store was a nightmare, so many fucking kids, crying and screaming. No qts in sight despite the place being packed and next door to a sixth form college. Lot of greminlins and otherwise clearly unhealthy people. Hate this town and the people sometimes. Bumped into a lady on the way out, she smiled and we both said sorry, that was nice and reminded me to stop assuming everyone here is scum.

Drank Coke. Unusual for me as I stay away from carbonated drinks.

Don’t know where my brothers PS4 is, he wasn’t around all day and night so there was never an opportunity to ask him.

Still taking the beta blockers, only one a day though.

NEET Holiday

New enemy, I was wrong to be angry at immigrants for making it more difficult for me to get a job. The problem is the employers themselves, I have seen multiple establishments keep adverts for vacancies in the windows weeks after I handed my CV to them. It’s possible that there is something wrong with me, 50+ employers snubbing me, I’m the constant in the equation but I don’t know what’s wrong with me in their eyes, so I don’t know how to fix it.

Thinking about some other stuff, want to keep my thoughts on that in order, purge my mind perhaps, might make a private blog.

The days are still even more boring than usual, I’m on my tablet every waking hour with the TV on in the background occasionally.

Watching the soaps, some quality qts, not rage inducing like viewing normies in the real world, it was pleasant, standard regular appreciation type emotions. Found a character who was somewhat relatable.

Not left the house since I came back. Possibly a flashforward to my NEET future.

Tick Tock

Got a call from the amusement park at noon, didn’t answer it as I was in bed, tried calling them back but got the voicemail, I’m sure if it was important they’d get back to me. Worried that for some reasons the trial run on the job has been pulled.

Kept another fast today, they’re too long, make me feel more lethargic and bored than usual, don’t think I’ll do another one. My brother has a PS4, could play some FIFA tomorrow, I played it first back in April, I enjoyed the RPG elements and card collecting.

Prefer being away from home, I can be pathetic with more privacy there. My mother wants to celebrate my birthday, I’m too old and a failure, it’s ridiculous. Want to get away quick, back to my bubble, want that privacy and escape from feelings of guilt.

Need to put a finer point on what I want to accomplish and then focus on the how, not much time left before the first deadline.

3 months since I was arrested and I haven’t done anything to improve myself, just apply for 50+ jobs, a job is needed so I can function, it’s not impressive and it’s nothing to be proud of, the only thing I gain from employment is income. What I really want to do is add value to myself and make use of this time. I’m going to try to learn Polish when I leave. I know how that sounds, not just the Polish part but learning a language (and writing something) are two of the things people NEETs claim they will use their free time for (creative and intellectual persuits) but this is for me, I’m going to find personal fulfilment through it and that’s all that matters.

Facebook and Google’s “How do I say “I love you” in Polish” adverts on TV are upsetting me.