Fuck You

Got fired yesterday, didn’t post because the owner of the McDonalds franchise in Aberdeen threatened to withhold my wages if I posted anything at all relating to McDonalds. So I’m going to post the last 3 days right now along along with a response to the mess in the comments of the previous post.

Comments

Thanks for the support and sympathy, it’s what keeps me going. You understand my capabilities, understand why I do the things and I do and have reasonable expectations of me.

Few other things came to light, possibly trolling but to summarise, the Polish girl shared this blog with numerous people (despite being upset), her fat friend is the one who reported me and the girl in the comments is supposedly a third work colleague. I don’t believe most of it, it is definitely the Polish girl who is posting in the comments, I “know” her well enough to ascertain that. I don’t name anyone in this blog, it only causes people to be upset if they have enough background on the issue, there is no ‘humiliation’ going on, as for personal distress, you really shouldn’t be reading this, you know what to expect at this point. Not really sure how calling a fat person fat is enough to cause them distress though, not that that’s what happened, I suspect her more attractive friend pushed her into doing her dirty work. Regarding her and I though, I said sorry, I like(d) her in a non sexual way, not sure why she is so vindictive and angry after she has taken more than her pound of flesh.

The idea that there are several people in this city who read my blog is interesting. Not sure what the logic behind sharing it is. If it is humour then the girl wouldn’t have been offended and had me arrested in the first place, not to mention maintaining her grudge and continuing to punish me.

Monday

First thing I did was drop off a £400 deposit to my new roommate.

It was a bank holiday, were expecting a lot of customers, management were wrong and sent people home early. I got a call on my way home from the owner of the franchise telling me there had been a complaint, this blog, hambeast, twink etc. wanted to know why someone would make these unpleasant comments. said she hasn’t finished reading it and we would have a meeting tomorrow where we could go through it together. He mentioned censorship and that he had people breathing down his neck to fire me instantly, seemed like a cool guy. Giving me a chance to defend myself, a right the university did not afford me.

Before I left, Icompleted 6 of my scheduled 8 hours. There was one aggressive customer, who didn’t understand the pricing, he was lower class, spoke with some kind of common accent. Said he wanted to speak to someone who spoke his language. I held firm, looked him in the eyes and repeated myself and bluntly asked him questions regarding his order. It was quite a power rush because I knew he couldn’t physically harm me despite being bigger than me. Eventually a manager came over (South Asian, complete with accent) came by and took over, told me to go wash my hands for a bit. I was shaking like a leaf despite being confident. The shaking didn’t stop for a while, overheard some conversation, the trash was angry because he felt I was looking down on him, felt good to hear that was how I come across to people. The manager was very nice to me, he always was, everyone was, he was also very understanding, told me I didn’t have to deal with stuff like that. My trainer also asked me later in the day if I was okay and what meal I would like during lunch, nice guy, he knew how difficult it was for me to speak to the kitchen staff and/or I felt awkward waiting for my food to be prepared. Literally everyone working there was a nice person, the nicest collection of people I have ever met anywhere and I’m an absolute cunt for upsetting them.

Tuesday

Woke up nice and early as my shift started at 12, after I came out of the shower I got a call telling me that I should come in at 4, I had some time to kill. Watched wrestling and the second Eurovision semi. Good acts from both semis didn’t get to the final, it’s always worthwhile watching more tan just the final.

Hoped on a bus and arrived at the store. Gotnthere early, so sat in the bathroom for half an hour playing the one game on my £10 phone, Soduku. The ‘serious business’  manager told me to take a seat in the dining area, few other colleagues looked grumpy, wonder if they knew too? Yesterday after the rude customer incident I was thinking I would rather continue to ride the sympathy train than have people think I’m a dangerous freak.

The owner arrived quickly, he also summoned my trainer, the kid, who looked very glum. We went up to a meeting room up above in silence, was told the kid would be taking minutes. We sit down and I’m instantly told I’m fired. It was a probation period so he doesn’t legally need a reaso but I ask for his reasoning anyway. He says it’s because I called a colleague a hambeast and a customer a landwhale, I tell him in t just means fat, he says that’s still unacceptable and he repeats the urbandictionary definition of hambeast, I smirk.

Says I had potential, I’m in a tough position now without a job. Repeats some shit from my blog about me having poor social skills, not knowing what is appropriate, the difference between right and wrong, I’m a messed up individual, I’m a weirdo and the people who read my blog are weirdos, I tell him that he is not being insightful more than once and he is just repeating the conclusions I came to myself in my blog. I tell him when you do something wrong, you say sorry and move on, he wasn’t impressed by that, I don’t know why. I mentioned the very recent apology on my blog and that he wasn’t considering the chronology of posts.

He just went on and on repeating things from the blog without saying why they were bad, he really liked calling me weird. Brought up my opinions on women, something about the same uniforms and her being as low as myself (I think that line was more of a racial thing actually) and how it felt good when a female coworker touched my arm, I laughed here and told him that it was a blog about social shit, it should be expected.

There just wasn’t anything to argue with, he made no points other than me being “weird” and “smug”, he likely used the latter word because he read it here. He mentioned peadophilia, the Polish girl needing to feel safe, brushed it off when I mentioned that there was nothing to indicate she was distressed. He finished off telling me I would likely go to prison or something similar, not if I didn’t clean up my act, just a flat out statement that I was heading for doom.

For some reason he asked me to take down the blog, told him it couldn’t be done as it had been backed up by others and there is google cache, said he didn’t know what that was and he didn’t believe me. Not sure why he expected me to agree considering her had already fired me.

I tried responding to the weirdo claims by saying I had gotten a lot better recently. He didn’t care at all. He didn’t want a discussion, he said as much too. In was expecting a trial, what was waiting for me was a summary execution.

And to add insult to injury he said that my wages would be withheld for 2 weeks and released only if I keep silent about this matter. I asked for clarification and he said that I should just pretend as if I had never worked here. This exchange went on for a bit, he was quite threatening but it was comic even then because I kept asking for clarification on his vague threats (he never mentioned legal action so his tone was disproportionate to the severity of what was within his power).

Feel pretty badly about how the meeting went but I need to remember it wasn’t a fair game. He had already made up his mind, he saw me as undesirable and not worth the trouble. There was no discussion to be had.

Going home I texted my solicitor who told me I had no rights as I wasn’t hired long enough to be an employee (rights under employment law), didn’t hear most of what he said though as I was on a noisy bus. I don’t think wages for work done can be withheld and fuck him for trying to pull that shit, he owes me just over £200.

During the meeting I tried to avoid looking at the kid, was ashamed at myself for upsetting him though I think he must have been lied to, I never used derogatory remarks to refer to him, twink just means a young gay guy. I should have said sorry to him, spoken to him in some way, I really appreciated his kindness towards me. Shame he will never know unless I go back to the store and say my piece, I really want them all to know how much I loved them.

During the meeting I was worried about him bringing up certain things I posted, some of it I can laugh off but I would wince if he talked about the stuff regarding my thoughts on women ignoring me and giving me attention.

I suspected for a while that my new/old friend grassed me up but it was obviously the only other candidate, no one else would be able to apply pressure.

Felt pretty down the rest of the day. Got to rank 14 on Hearthstone again after falling pretty far, long win streak, picked me up a bit.

Put a deposit down on that room and employment prospects are better here than back home so I will be staying here even if it burns a hole in my pocket unless I get a job (got a shockingly large amount of saving so I technically don’t need a job), plus there are other benefits. The guy renting the room messaged me and the other roommates, he has a childish or just dated internet style of humour. Trying to play along I tried responding lol, instead I posted ‘loli’, he said ‘interesting’ when I claimed it was autocorrect, he is east Asian or SEA so he obviously knows what loli is.

Wednesday

Talked to my friend for a bit, he gave me some advice and asked if I wanted to hang out. I declined as I was not in a state of self pity, today I felt motivate and I had to make the most of it before my flame died out. But first I distracted myself with some other errands like going to the bank and the opticians.

Got a free eye exam, better quality of service than in my hometown, wonder if they even knew what they were doing? Apparently they even missed some kind of nerve tissue in my eye. Going to the optician was something In was afraid of before but know I either am more confident in general or what I really need to be doing is even tougher so I am tackling the optician which seems soft in comparison. Gay Greek guy helped my pick out glasses. Didn’t really know what I wanted, was going to but 2 for £69 but ended up with 1 for £105 with the lens thinned. It was hard enough to select one pair, I just wanted it to be over and leave. All the glasses looked the same, I should have just picked up a couple of ransoms instead of accepting the guys help.

At the bank the guy asked how I was and I ignored him and jumped into the business. I realised my mistake and later said “how are you etc” and then a little while later he said something similar. Not sure if we were on the same page.

Went to the library for the first time. It’s great, plenty of computers, big place, friendly staff, free registration. Very convenient. I sat down and worked on my CV and printed off a few copies, printing was ridiculously expensive.

Will apply to jobs tomorrow.

Go to citizens advice to check what action I can take against the owner.

Use the library computers to apply to jobs since it’s more convenient than this tablet.

Will also need to go to a few places in person to hand in a hard copy of my CV

Can’t keep me down, literally not even upset about losing my job, barely even angry and I’m angry about being mistreated by the owner not by the girl who reported me though that was a really bitchy and vindictive move.

Done the whole depressed, self pity shit, nothing is going to change if I don’t do anything about it.

Back where I was 2 month ago

can’t talk about what happened just now.

I tried, you all know I tried.

Better Still

Not what is okay to write here since my rights seemingly end where others feelings begin. This is not intended to cause fear and distress, if my writings have previously caused you pain then please do not continue reading. I don’t mean to sound bitter, I apologised and acknowledged my faults earlier, I just don’t want to get remanded. These are just observations and an attempt at analysis.

There was an odd sight while working at McDonalds today during the lunchtime rush, I saw the Polish girl from my class. She was standing at the edge of the counter being served by someone else along with her hambeast work colleague, it turns out she works in the vicinity of the McDonalds I work at. Unfortunately I missed hearing her deliver her order.

I saw her and she saw me, she had a really smug look on her face, I liked it, no sure what exactly it meant though. Possibly she was gloating at what she had “reduced” me to, I am having the time of my life, this experience had bettered me and I have since become as more complete and functional human being. Her expression may also have been saying “small world” or something less pragmatic such as a reference to the red knot of destiny.

I initially took it to mean the former and glanced aggressively at her shirt implying that she was no better off than myself. She shrugged and continued to look pleased with herself. During the whole altercation I was not smiling, right now especially it is difficult to smile as I have injured part of my mouth while brushing my teeth.

Feeling like the whole thing was just banter and that’s what she has come to accept the blog and thread was. If not for my bail conditions I think we could have used this as a bonding experience, maybe after the trial if she is still working in the same place.

Probably sounds like I deliberately got a job there to stalk her proper, just a coincidence, just working at the only place that will hire me. Saw a guy from uni pop by too, he smiled, I think we are on good terms.

Not a great day at work, need to learn people who are helping me with my orders aren’t babying me, they are trying to improve efficiency. Girl I worked with touched my arm as she clocked off, she has consistently been nice to me, repeatedly tried to make conversation, I have failed on my end. Work is not going that well anymore, people twice had to explain procedures to me after becoming frustrated at what I was doing.

Got a room, it’s in a better location and cheaper. Reflecting on my conversations with one of the existing tenants my identity now revolves around working at McDonalds,it’s a step up from what I was before.

Got to rank 14 on Hearthstone, beat people who had clearly either put money, hundreds of hours and/or thousands of matches into the game.

Better and Better

Work is still going well, felt like a member of the team today, bit of small talk, some smiles, the girls have warmed to me, people asking if I need anything but talking to me like I’m competent, my trainer and I get on better now that the cord has been cut. We had a funny interaction when I asked for a cheeseburger with just the meat patty, he said “you mean a hamburger?” and smiled. The gap toothed Pole is too nice and smiley, it’s all fake, not an issue though as I respect her for keeping it up. Also now know why their are so many Poles employed, there are a lot of Polish customers who barely speak the language. I made the landwhale on fries smile a few times and laugh once, made a joke about Countdown. Very happy at work, just want to do a good job and get on with everyone.

When I got back, roommate and his friends (several of them) were in the living room watching Eurovision, I love the show, too much to watch it half way in so I haven’t seen it just yet. Not sure how my ex-roommates get together with her friends went when she watched Eurovision last year but I imagine it was far different to this, so it isn’t dragging back painful memories, I am sure the show will do that on it’s own when I finally get around to watching it. I do wonder though what she is doing right now, is she with her friends again or back home? If I had one wish, I would exchange it to watch Eurovision with her.

Still flat hunting, saw two today, the first was very autist friendly, no living room. The guy showing me around was Chinese probably. I was able to talk well to him. I’ve known this for a while and it’s an existing theory, it’s easier to speak to people I deem to be inferior (or equal) to myself. I wouldn’t say race necessarily plays a part in this, a Chad (or normie – non-beta) of any race can get me to curl up into a ball.

Never had too view so many places before getting a room before, sure to get some offers soon.

Rare Day Off

Thought I had already posted,some error must have occurred. Got it out of my system now so short version.

Yesterday at work, 2 other people went on break at a similar time to myself, one of which was the Lithuanian girl, they didn’t sit next to each other which indicted that people either like solitude during their lunch break or that not everyone is friends with each other. I like to assume both, especially the latter.

Wish the Police would arrest me at work or someone involved with my court case would visit, would make me more interesting to my colleagues, grab their attention and give us something to talk about for a while.

Looked through a few Facebook pages for the first time in a while, it is depressing, generic stalker feelings, I don’t like feeling this way and don’t want to feel this way.

Got 3 flat viewing set up. Went to one today. Guy wanted to talk, get to know me, reminded me how boring I am.

Ate crisps and drunk Pepsi, feel sick.

Watched Eurovision semis, depressing, reminds me of this time last year.

Played a bit oof Hearthstone, I have a friend, we exchange a few messages and help each other compllete a certain type of quest on occasion.

The place where I spend most of my day has really fucked with my head, I realised this watching Frankie Boyle do a show, I shouldn’t be so dismissive of pro-immigration and anti-racism rhetoric. It’s not normal.

Asda didn’t have size 8 shoes.

Going Well

Been told multiple times now I need to smile more and I come across as nervous and confused while working at McDonalds. Not a new phenomenon, I’ve been told these things throughout my life. I don’t see the more veteran employees smiling often when they work the counter, I feel as if I come across as much more pleasant than them. There are a group of 4 kids who come in fairly frequently and order a large meal, today I referred to them as “lads” and they all remarked on how nice I was was, “too nice” even. I regret not letting them know how much I appreciated the compliment.

Talked to my collegues on the front counter, they initiated, one asked me a few general questions, went fairly well until we spoke of football, I said “I don’t know why Scotland even has a league”, he was clearly offended by the statement, a few minutes later I tried to give my comments a more acceptable slant. I spoke the way I did because that would be they type of response you would expect on /sp/. Also get ashamed and defensive whenever I am asked who I support, feel like I need to bring up I have only been following football for a few years and on this occasion I told the story of how I lost money betting on City. He is a great guy, there were quite a few over 18s working today, felt much more comfortable around them. Another coworker noted from my accent that I must be from Manchester (peculiar as I was often told I did not sound like a Manc but a pretentious twat), I said something about peadophiles being common in my town, he still mistook it for another town. A few hours later I followed up with and initiated an interaction by saying “you guessed something about me, know I’m going to try guessing something about you, do you post on 4chan?”, he didn’t know what it was. I thought he did because he mentioned UKIP and Rotherham a couple of phrases that were popular on /brit/ over the last month. It wasn’t the last interaction we had, I had no problem speaking to the guy professionally later in the day.

I felt like I was waiting a while too long for a particular meal to be prepared so I repeated my order to the kitchen (as I am told you are supposed to do), the Lithuanian girl kinda snapped at me, she didn’t seem angry, she thought I was mildly annoying or too involved, something like that, think I saw a smile, thing she might have been amused, glad to have had that interaction with her, maybe now she sees me as a regular colleague. I don’t hate her, just feel uncomfortable around her, may have overheard she will be taking 2 months out. Her skin looks terrible irl, ridiculous levels of alterations must have been involved with her stunning photographs, do many art students use themselves in their works? Decent looking girls would have an easier time of the courses then I imagine.

The gap toothed Polish woman/girl finally had a shift during the same time as myself, she is still undergoing training, we spoke, she initiated and I kept a bit of as relay going. Felt good, that’s all I ever wanted, someone who I noticed to notice me back. She had a big smile plastered across her face all day, it comes easy for her. She also remembered a few details about myself from orientations. Wonderful individual.

For the most part I was allowed to get my own orders after taking them but towards the end of my shift I was being babied again, probably not as reflection on me but just because it was fairly busy. Still making as few mistakes here and there but nothing major, don’t care about wasting food as the mark up is massive.

My feet hurt, will treat myself to new shoes.

No shift tomorrow, will deliver the GP registration form.

Sorry

I can finally understand why my actions caused misery and a myriad of other emotions to my victims. I was thoughtless and my behaviour cruel and pathetic. I deeply regret what I have done and it pains to imagine what they must have gone through.

Fuck the uni though.

I was also wrong to hold negative opinions of people at work, they are all great. Such friendly and patient people. I had to work with one of the newer Polish girls today for a short while, she was nice. Backs up that theory about it being silly to be mad at someone for being cold towards you when you make no effort either.

My roommate also deserves an apology, it’s tough finding a room to rent, he thought I was a cool guy based off first impressions. There are worse people out there compared to him. I will try asking him if I can extend the lease, this whole search is causing me stress.

On an unrelated note, I am absolutely certain now I am completely heterosexual and interested in regular relations with females, I was only into various fetishes because of seclusion.

Good Stuff

I accidentally came into contact with a friend from first year of uni. He was somewhat sympathetic towards me. We went out together along with some of his friends. I enjoyed myself greatly

Conversation skills were still poor while drunk.

Did not get drunk enough to masquerade as a normie, still too self conscious despite being ‘tipsy’.

Still the best night of my life tbh.

Seems like a bit of a cheat though, having a good Samaritan help me out of nowhere.

Small World

Messaged a guy I knew from first year of uni on Facebook for strange reasons (I was looking for info regarding some detective work). He said he heard some news and was aware of my current situation, asked if I was fine, he wasn’t here to judge and he was prepared to listen to me. I appreciated this very much though at first he seemed no different to a 4chan poster but then I realised he was more of a real human being and he saw me as a real person, so he might have a different perspective. Told me he read my /r9k/ posts and blog though he was a redditor, said he didn’t post on /r9k/, must have seen it on that r/4chan post assuming he isn’t lying. Invited me to have coffee with him to tell my side of the story. I want to know how he heard about me or connected the dots. I’m a bit past talking, I went through most of my emotions regarding this mess last month. I want to hear his take on me. He could very realistically be the friend I have been searching for so I want to give this a go, will message him when the boiler is fixed and I can shower. My course had around 80 people on it, I wonder what the odds are on them naturally coming across my posts. Probably higher than I think since he is aware of me and whoever d0xed the girls, small world. Wonder how many people who have read this blog “know” me?

I doubt he figured it out all on his own though, he probably heard from the Polish guy who I thought was my friend, I posted “happy birthday” on his wall, he ‘liked’ the birthdays wishes sent to him by everyone except me.

Little worried the guy is setting some kind of trap for me.

Didn’t sort out out any shifts for McDonalds for next week, wasn’t sure who to speak to regarding that. Will just wait to be called then before I get back to work. Not that I want to return, being in that environment agitates me.

Got very tired very early today despite just sitting in bed all day. Watched JoJo, SNL and skimmed UFC. Only having one mmeal after breakfast now, just not hungry enough.

Will call a local GP tomorrow regarding joining and getting prescribed benzos or something.

Mum and sister called, I didn’t really talk during the 9 minute call, they spoke about my birthday, coming home and working at McDonalds as if everything was normal. I didn’t have anything to say to them.

Never Again

I hate seeing other people happy and socialising, it makes me very angry. I know I’m just bitter, jealous. They usually offer me warmth, smiles and conversation but I’m too inept to capitalise and they assume I dislike them or they figure I am too much effort and give up on me. These are natural responses on their part and I am wrong to feel hatred towards them. I know this but I’ve been thinking about yesterday all day today and it’s driving me up the wall.

I desperately want some kind of community to belong to. Boards on 4chan aren’t doing it anymore, not sure if they ever did fill that void. The few lads who read my blog before I was arrested, they were my real friends, they understood me and gave me more of a chance than anyone, didn’t expect anything in return.

Bored during much of today, grinded Somme gold on Hearthstone and bought another wing of Nexxramas. Took a look at the Facebook page of that Polish girl from work, just to kill the time, nothing wrong with wanting to know more about the people you work with. Turns out she’s Lithuanian and just like always, looking. through peoples Facebook pages depresses me. So many pictures of them smiling, with friends, enjoying life and having their academic shit on track. She is 3 years younger than me, I believe, while I don’t find it demeaning to be trained by a 16 year old, I don’t like the idea of someone like her having progressed that far up the ladder.I’m not saying she is inferior but she should be at a disadvantage, so if she is above me then that means I am inferior.

Heard my roommate cleaning the hallway this morning. Pissed in a Lucozade bottle a while after she was done, I didn’t want to seem unhelpful, though I don’t think the place was in much need of a clean. I only ever clean the public areas when everyone else is out so I probably seem like I don’t do much. The bottle was 380ml, I filled it, still had some left so went on the carpet a little before I could bring myself under control.

Roommate brought he female friend over at around 6pm, the day before that sped by, meant to get some food but kept postponing it, thirsty and hungry right now.

I don’t know to what extent my problems are interlinked, they could be entirely indepennded and I am just forcing these relationships. I mean I hate seeing people happy, this makes me angry and then I do stupid shit. This is all irrelevant though as I only care about the happiness of others because I myself am unhappy. So I need to find joy in my life but to do that I need friends and since I’m not blaming social anxiety or AvPD anymore I have no idea what the problem is so I can’t begin work on a solution.

Thinking about the police interview, I remember know I already tried the “it’s a gimmick” defence, it was dismissed instantly because it made me sound legitimately dangerous. I supposedly used people as props to create greentext stories. Would be better off claiming I was sexually juvenile, a budding predator who had made a few mistakes but had seen the error of his ways.