“Home”

My train was at 6am, dad drove me to the station early as usual. My little sister woke up go see me off too, I didn’t realise and I don’t understand why she cares so much. Tried talking to her and touching her a bit so she knew I appreciated it. Dad asked for my address, I told him to fuck off, he wants to come up, I am certain. Mum gave me a bag of snacks for the ride and to eat while there, had most of my birthday chocolate left too. Was anxious about leaving, had to masturbate twice. Didn’t get much if any sleep due to the early departure time.

Trait journey was not fun, tried watching Boardwalk Empire on my tablet but I was feeling to sick and drowsy the whole trip, the journey to 7 hours the only positives were the qts and feet, there was one female walking around Manchester Picadilly barefoot, one with electric blue hair outside the bathroom, tights across me and one wearing the same footwear as her in my favourite pic. Figured out it’s not so much certain girls can’t pull of tights well, it’s more I like them sheer and hate anything too opaque. I was greatful to be able to rest when I got home. I slept for 6 hours, masturbated too because I felt like doing some weird stuff and needed to get it out of my head.

Chad flatmate could be heard cleaning the entire house, heard his parents arrive later and him leave. Guess that makes me the odd one out again. The scumbag didn’t realise I was back and while he was cleaning the place he tried to open my door (left unlocked when I left, since been locked from the inside while I’m in as usual). Guess that means it’s not that uncommon to enter your housemates rooms while they are out or just the he’s filth

Woke up at around 8 and noticed an email from my previous landlord/roommate, he wanted my address to send me a cheque for my deposit (Told him to do a bank transfer, it’s neater and mor common) and for my student number, presumably again, apparently the council is asking for it. Think I’m liable for a bit during the period I’m suspended from uni, one of the reasons I didn’t want to stay up here too long without a job.

Had 2 beta blocker tablets today because I was feeling particularly anxious.

Start work tomorrow, or the trial at least. Need black shoes, will wear my black office shoes as I don’t have the strength or will to go to ASDA and buy work shoes with grip for £25.

There was some cultural fair going on in the town centre, it was also hot and aa Saturday. Did not appreciate hoew it brought all the normies out. I had to observe them for some time while waiting for the bus with milk and cereal in hand (need change for the bus so had to buy something, needed it anyway).

If I don’t get regular work, I’m ending my tenancy at the end of July.

Bye

Anxious about leaving now, I’m feeling comfortable here now. Little harder to unwind but I have no responsibilities which can be nice.

Took my little sisters to watch Jurassic World, used to take them occasionally when they were younger, not sure why I stopped. Probably because it was a hassle. Didn’t like the film, characters were too flat, when characters are paper thin they seem like normies, normies situations and exchanges make me feel unpleasant emotions. I like the original Jurassic Park a lot, this film was a completely different beast. Good to have done an activity togehter, I’m sure.

I sorted out the tax credits shit, fucked up that neither of them thought of the simple compromise of splitting the amount they’re entitled to. Mum brought me some food to take back with me. She had me leave the house earlier to get 2lbs of lamb mince meat from the cash & carry. I just wore what I had on, that happened to be a black and white Naruto T-shirt, I wore it unironically and then ironically for a while but it’s been relegated to being worn only a few times a year indoors now since I’ve learned better. Wore a jacket too, there was light drizzle. A girl giggled as she walked passed me, pretty sure she looked at me, I zipped up. At the cash & carry I forgot if my mother asked for 2 pounds or 2 kilos so I left the queue and went back home empty handed.

Got a two 60 gold quests on Hearthstone in a row.

Need to get some interests, my placement year really fucked me up, it was anime before that but it stripped me of much of my free time, it’s been difficult getting back into it all. My lack of interests is probably why I drifted onto /sp/, /r9k/ and /brit/.

Sister and a cousin are heading to Tunisia in a month or so. Little worried it hope they aren’t and enjoy their holiday without looking over their shoulders.

Mum wanted me to visit my gran since she isn’t well and I haven’t seen her for a year. I wasn’t feeling up to it, I would just say “hi” and sit down for half an hour. We were apparently close when I was younger, I can’t speak the same language as her so not sure how, feel bad but would likely feel bad for disappointing her too.

There’s a “shisha & sports bar” opening on Eid near my house, sounds cool. Never tired shisha, not interested in it but I like the idea of a sports bar, that’s apparently what /sp/ was simulating.

Almost over

Spent almost the entire day to myself, was bored, time flows even more slowly here when I’m alone. Mum is disappointed I’m leaving so soon. It was difficult to explain why I wanted to leave.

Did get a little triggered looking over some stuff, thought about those individuals I was obsessed over, it hurt. Feeling better now.

My sister is doing some teaching course, on placement right now, recalled a story of how she handled a fat kid and unhealthy reward treats. Despite being critical of obese people I don’t think her treatment of the situation was correct, felt bad and let her know it, my mother agreed with me.

Said I would take my youngest sistersto to the cinema tomorrow, not sure if I will follow through.

Birthday

My dad spoke to me a two days ago, said he hadn’t been sleeping and wanted more info on my arrest. I put his mind to rest. He was able to pry it out of me that it involved a female and she was white. Said if came down to racist comments and that I had never interacted with the individual accusing me but I was guilty. He called it bad luck. Don’t like sympathy, don’t like the other extreme, the people who post here react the best, even the hostile ones because they have read everything and come from a similar background.

Had another vivid dream, must have something to do with it being quite hot in my room. It’s good stuff, genuinely want to go back to the dream when I’ve woken up, feel like I’ve lost something.

My birthday was today. Hate that I am reminded of how badly I have failed at life and that the people around me pretend otherwise. I told my mother I didn’t want to mark the occasion but she insisted, told her I didn’t want any gifts but again she insisted. She bought me some clothes, I don’t by clothes for myself, I have been told I don’t dress well. It might be true but I am not concerned, never cared about how other perceive me and I don’t believe my personality can convincingly carry what is currently considered fashionable. Glad for the gifts though, I probably need new clothes even if I don’t want them.

Got some chocolates and other bits and pieces too. We ate Pizza and I watched the last three episodes of JoJo on apthe large living room television. Found the fight itself disappointing, impossible to live up to the hype though. People found my disinterest regarding proceeding as amusing so harm done despite expressing myself as I wished.

Good day I suppose, even I forgot about my problems for a bit. However when I blew out my candles instead of wishing for my problems to disappear I wished for something more sinister, I know that doesn’t reflect well on me and implies I would rather get even by dragging everyone else to my level than being given the opportunity to claw myself up to everyone else’s.

Mum and dad had a row concerning tax credits, it was uncomfortable, both of them are pretty bad, both have a point, both behaved like children. Believe the issue is that my mother wants a cut of the credits because she used Child Benefits to feed the kids in the past but my dad wants the credits because he spent £4200 on my sisters car insurance, both believe they are owed by the other individual. Not happy with my dads tone and the paki language shittalking I assumed he was doing. Told him to fuck off. He really got on my nerves earlier in the day when he politely and ignorantly asked why I didn’t look into getting accounting work. Felt like stabbing him.

Nonsensical petty shit, my mother paid for the Pizza, she goes to bed, father comes back from work, grabs a slice, little sister tells my dad he can’t have any because mother paid for it (my mother always says that), father declares his intention to pay her back in full for the cost (which he always does), there’s a back and forth and he weakly snaps at her. She can be dense and he can be ugly.

Much prefer the peace and quiet after midnight, all alone downstairs in my little bubble than being around people. Stress free, drama free, might need to to take more beta blockers to feel this way all the time.

There was some shit getting married too. Nipped that in the bud. I’m in a terrible place in most respects and hate myself, I wouldn’t wish myself on another human being and I doubt anyone would want me in my current state. Those aren’t the reasons I am against it though, I just don’t want to spend my existence with another human being, I like my alone time. Doesn’t make sense considering I hated being alone a few months ago. I don’t know. Maybe having regular interactions with my new roommates, family and friend over the last month has tired me out.

Just Nothing

Being home is worse than being on my own, I do so much less now, just /brit/ and Hearthstone. Can’t get in the mood to watch a show.

Had a vivid dream about someone I shouldn’t have.

Mum asked me to go to the supermarket and get a birthday cake for myself, she was just trying to get me out of the house, I didn’t want a cake or anything but figured she would buy it herself if I didn’t. The trip to the supermarket was pleasant, walked through the park, it was warm, not many people out even though I waited until after 5pm so no one would think I was a NEET. Approaching the trolley barrier outside the store a shirtless man was walking in the opposite direction, he was in good shape, quite sexually intimidating. Knocked me back as I had put some effort into getting dressed today. I figited through the barrier and instead of waiting for me to get through, he jumped over the thing. Cool.

The actual store was a nightmare, so many fucking kids, crying and screaming. No qts in sight despite the place being packed and next door to a sixth form college. Lot of greminlins and otherwise clearly unhealthy people. Hate this town and the people sometimes. Bumped into a lady on the way out, she smiled and we both said sorry, that was nice and reminded me to stop assuming everyone here is scum.

Drank Coke. Unusual for me as I stay away from carbonated drinks.

Don’t know where my brothers PS4 is, he wasn’t around all day and night so there was never an opportunity to ask him.

Still taking the beta blockers, only one a day though.

NEET Holiday

New enemy, I was wrong to be angry at immigrants for making it more difficult for me to get a job. The problem is the employers themselves, I have seen multiple establishments keep adverts for vacancies in the windows weeks after I handed my CV to them. It’s possible that there is something wrong with me, 50+ employers snubbing me, I’m the constant in the equation but I don’t know what’s wrong with me in their eyes, so I don’t know how to fix it.

Thinking about some other stuff, want to keep my thoughts on that in order, purge my mind perhaps, might make a private blog.

The days are still even more boring than usual, I’m on my tablet every waking hour with the TV on in the background occasionally.

Watching the soaps, some quality qts, not rage inducing like viewing normies in the real world, it was pleasant, standard regular appreciation type emotions. Found a character who was somewhat relatable.

Not left the house since I came back. Possibly a flashforward to my NEET future.

Tick Tock

Got a call from the amusement park at noon, didn’t answer it as I was in bed, tried calling them back but got the voicemail, I’m sure if it was important they’d get back to me. Worried that for some reasons the trial run on the job has been pulled.

Kept another fast today, they’re too long, make me feel more lethargic and bored than usual, don’t think I’ll do another one. My brother has a PS4, could play some FIFA tomorrow, I played it first back in April, I enjoyed the RPG elements and card collecting.

Prefer being away from home, I can be pathetic with more privacy there. My mother wants to celebrate my birthday, I’m too old and a failure, it’s ridiculous. Want to get away quick, back to my bubble, want that privacy and escape from feelings of guilt.

Need to put a finer point on what I want to accomplish and then focus on the how, not much time left before the first deadline.

3 months since I was arrested and I haven’t done anything to improve myself, just apply for 50+ jobs, a job is needed so I can function, it’s not impressive and it’s nothing to be proud of, the only thing I gain from employment is income. What I really want to do is add value to myself and make use of this time. I’m going to try to learn Polish when I leave. I know how that sounds, not just the Polish part but learning a language (and writing something) are two of the things people NEETs claim they will use their free time for (creative and intellectual persuits) but this is for me, I’m going to find personal fulfilment through it and that’s all that matters.

Facebook and Google’s “How do I say “I love you” in Polish” adverts on TV are upsetting me.