Disappointment and Disappointment

Despite having a loaded day ahead of me, I still couldn’t wake up before noon. When I finally did get up, my first action was calling up the laser clinic and pushing my appointment back a week. Not long after completing the call, my PlayStation 3 console arrived and as a expected, it didn’t work, the thing just overheats and shuts down, contacted my point of purchase for a refund/replacement, gonna be annoyed if I’m asked to pay for it to be returned.

Barely an hour later, I was on my was to the probation office where I waited half an hour to be seen by the careers person. My case worker was wrong about what she does, she does not do much to help people get work, all she offered was help with my CV that I didn’t need and asked questions about the types of jobs I’m going for, I explained the issue was me not clearing DBS checks, the only suggestion she had was the wait until my convictions were spent. A nice enough person but absolutely useless, just common sense crap about including a cover letter and swapping around the order of some of the stuff on my CV.

Naturally I was depressed after all this so I sunk my teeth into a burger meal, it’s fine for calories as the only other thing I had today was cereal. Didn’t watch anything, not even much YouTube, mostly just played Hearthstone.

My new manager called me, turns out I wasn’t supposed to take my folder and work book home. An oversight on the part of the paki supervisor. Heard him laughing with others in the background.

Too Tired

I had a sleep debt that needed paying off so it wasn’t until close to 2pm that I got up though even then I was still a little tired. The day was another write-off, my muscles still mildly ached from yesterday but early on I forced myself to ASDA in order to purchase shampoo, I bought two bottles, both “Head & Shoulders”, one was “Smooth & Silky” and the other was also on offer for £3.50, it was just an anti-dandruff one that had an apple scent. When I got back home, I washed my hair, not sure when the last time was but it feels much better now. This is preparation for me potentially getting a haircut tomorrow.

Didn’t play any vidya but my PlayStation 3 console has been dispatched and I’ve purchased “Batman: Arkham Origins”, “Final Fantasy XIII” and “Lighting Returns: Final Fantasy” so all that remains is “Final Fantasy XIII-2” and possibly “God of War: Ascension”.

I tried spending some time outside my bedroom, went downstairs and watched a little TV but it wasn’t too long before my mother attacked me over my hair again, she said I wasn’t a wrestler or rockstar, I replied “so you’re saying I can’t have long hair because I’m not special?”, a typical thought in the culture, that all should homogenise, that anyone outside of the strict definition of the norm is an embarrassment, they can’t even begin to understand why someone would be anything outside the norm by choice.

At the end of the day my father paid me a visit in my room, he wanted help using the eBay app, I told him he needed to type in English. He then changed the subject to my hair, he makes it clear that there is nothing more important to him.

Watched a few YouTube videos, stayed under my daily calorie allowance, just ate cereal, a few cookies and chicken pasta. Listened to the Hamilton soundtrack. Might record a video tomorrow. Need to rearrange my laser appointment tomorrow, early in the day since I’m getting close to the 48 hours advance notice I need to give.

I’ve looked into moving out, makeshift studio flats around here cost £300, there are legitimate concerns about these places that I have but the main thing holding me back is the difficulty of physically moving as I don’t drive. Even hiring a moving company, my items such as my bed and television are large. Even the £400/month options don’t look to appetising and this is in what I assume to be the area of the country were rent should be lowest. Could start looking a town or two over.

The real work begins Friday

I didn’t get a lengthy nights sleep again, couldn’t resist staying up a little late. Still managed to get up feeling semi-refreshed, when I arrived at the training site, I thought I was a minute or two late but instead I was half an hour early, along with a handful of others. We’d missed the training guy informing us of the later start time, apparently.

To kill the time, I very easily and naturally conducted conversation with the others in early attendance. A trio of older guys and an older woman, two of them were absent yesterday so I could just rave about how hilarious yesterday was. My proudest moment was when I called out across the room to someone who was intending on sitting alone, the man gleefully joined us and had much to say.

My energy wavered quickly, it might just have been the dryer content of todays activities but I just wasn’t the same ball of energy as yesterday, I worry that it showed. During lunch I attempted to go to the post office but there wasn’t enough time, I did successfully manage to get in some walking though and eliminate the potential boredom of the lunch period. I arrived back two minutes late, I was out of breath but apologised, again I hate that I projected a poor image of myself. Yesterday I got two boxes of chocolates as gifts and today I was asked what I did with them, my reply was that I gave them away, another poor response.

More than half the day was just a presentation. The physically interactive stuff took place at the start. I did get some laughs but unfortunately it was a bit of a drag at times. Didn’t get the chance to drop any more info about myself. At the end of the day we were split into groups with a supervisor, the store manager then went around providing us with our shift patterns and what our work will entail. I will be working “the shop floor”, I think that means a bit of cleaning and restocking though until the end of next week I’m required to help out with what sounds like hard labour, a lot of work needs to be done in the store, I’ve been given 50 hours next week. Not happy that the supervisor I was seated with was an uncharismatic scarf wearing paki, clearly a diversity hire, I can’t help but look at her with revulsion, I’m sure she’s incompetent. Not a racial thing, I feel superior to the other supervisors who trained with me too, I’m clearly more intelligent that them, I’ve seen them show their ineptitude throughout the two days. Hoping the careers person I meet on Thursday will be able to hook me up with something better (I’ll be keeping quiet about this gig).

After the induction was completely over I headed into town to try and find a copy of Final Fantasy XIII priced at £3.00 but it was absent in CEX, Cash Converters and Game, I’ll just have to pick it up online.

Played a bit of Hearthstone and dug into those chocolates I gifted to my mother. My body was in pain due to all the walking, couldn’t do anything else even if I wanted to.

The life & soul

I didn’t get much sleep, I went down at 3pm and woke up at 7:30pm. Today was the day I was going to attend the induction for my new job, I prepared adequately with the time I allotted myself, brushing me teeth, showering, apply deodorant and when it came to dressing myself I chose my favourite combo of slim fit blue jeans and a red/black plaid shirt.

The journey to the induction site was uneventful, the shutters at the building I was supposed to enter were closed so I almost circled around but fortunately the store manager appeared from the front door and silently and without motion indicated that I should come through. The layout of the large floor the induction was taking place was mostly made up of desks and stools, there were also large presentation screens. I took a seat in the corner and buried myself in my phone. Within a few minutes a black/white mixed race female moved to sit near me so she wouldn’t be alone. Everyone else appeared to have grouped together too, there were a group of 4 whites (3 female, 1 male, all over 30), later revealed to be supervisors (they’re going through the same induction), several scarfys, about 6 paki females altogether, though they were split into two groups, one of which contained a couple of white women. Almost all the paki females were young, student types, two of the paki females were not wearing headscarves, one of which was from my interview group, found her annoying. There were a total of 4 older white males, and one paki male.

I feel guilty and deeply saddened that almost everyone from my interview/assessment group didn’t get offered a job, they were mostly awkward and I talked them down but they deserved this chance to better themselves and their lives, not me, I’ve gotten a fair deal out of life and been given several opportunities by the white hand, it should have been someone elses turn. Feel retched, hope they stay positive though in this cruel world I sincerely doubt that positively will be rewarded.

The training coordinators were two camp guys, both turned out to be straight though. They were hilarious, great banter and chemistry with each other, the group was in stitches throughout the day. The induction started off with everyone standing up and introducing themselves, the coordinators then roasted the person. I got one the biggest laughs and made my mark when I mentioned I appeared on TV yesterday then when I got roasted, I defended myself by noting that the coordinator had only been an extra so we have about as much screentime as each other. They two of them lightly picked on me throughout the day, this led to another laugh and everyone being shocked by my age when I was asked to declare it in front of everyone.

Highlight of the day was undoubtedly near the start, before I opened my mouth, I was seated with two women and the coordinators referred to our group twice as “girls”.

I made an effort to talk to a few people, I’m finding now that I have stuff to say but I struggle to force it into conversation due to the other person also wanting to speak. I’ll have to resort to just letting people talk about themselves and asking inquisitive questions.

The event lasted 7 hours, there was a 1 hour lunch during which I just went on a long walk since I wanted to have a burger meal later in the day. This is also something I was teased about. On the way home, I noticed someone going in the same direction, I sped past, I then noticed a couple more, somehow walking in the opposite direction, this time I crossed the road. After 10 minutes or so when I thought it finally safe, another coworker appeared, the woman I had been sitting with for most of the day, made small talk and then I escaped, said I lived in another direction. She’s the same age as me but almost a year older, could be my new “quirky guy”.

After picking up cash from home, I went to buy my burger.

My mother appeared to be gleeful when she accused me of “hating myself”, her rationale for why I hate pakis. Not entirely her fault, she just doesn’t know any other way to communicate her thoughts and concerns, it is hurtful however that she thinks the problem lies with me and not pakis at large.

Watched “Last Week Tonight” with my meal and played some MTG Arena. I also bought a PlayStation 3 console for £25, I plan to play “Batman: Arkham Origins” and the Final Fantasy XIII trilogy, the games are dirt cheap, at most £3.00 each apart from “Lightning Returns”. Considering purchasing a skin for the console, it’ll increase the price but I could argue it’ll pay for itself by brightening my room even further with another image.

Stuck up the “Slipknot” poster I got with my most recent issue of “Metal Hammer”, it features a skull, a pentagram and candles.

Fuck off, Kiryu

I finished “Yakuza Kiwami”, my opinion has fallen a little, this game has the same problems with the story quality derailing towards the end. When starting up my console, I saw the quirky guy was also currently using his PlayStation too, I stayed online for half an hour before switching to “appear offline”. He’s currently playing “Soulcalibur 6”, I know his gf is a big fan of the series, I’ll admit I’m a little tempted to pick it up myself but I won’t, I’m not talented at fighting games.

I’m definitely getting a haircut sometime next week.

Not much else occurred. My mum was struggling to turn on the oven, my father called me to help, the second time he called, I lied and said I went downstairs to check and it wasn’t working. This resulted in him coming come to sort it out, there was no actual issue.

A small event from yesterday I forgot to mention involved me going to Poundland to buy padded envelopes, there was several paki families about, each one consisted of 5+ kids and the parents at least were 1st generation, the kids also appeared like they weren’t born here, it’s distressing to know that this cancer isn’t even close to be over. As I was queuing up a paki was in front of me and then after a few minutes had passed and she continuously urged the rest of her pack to join her, 6 or so pakis barged through the queue to her position. On my way out I accidentally shoulder barged the mother of the family, she apologised for walking back into me, I also apologised.

Going to sleep at 2am today, need to walk up around 7:30pm for induction at work tomorrow. I don’t think training will be paid as they haven’t taken my bank details yet.

Disgusting, lazy freak

I set my alarm for around 11am but because I went to sleep after 3am it was impossible for me to wake up at that time. I eventually located my body outside my bedroom at around 1:15pm, this was late enough to miss the “Pokemon GO Community Day” and and after the post offices shut. I need to post an item I sold, bit concerned about the address provided, it’s the address of a retail establishment, I assume that’s where he works. I’ll have tracking info so hopefully that means he can’t screw me.

I was spotted at the wrestling event by a /brit/ poster and the comments have not been kind, the images are very low quality and my face looks distorted but regardless, the harsh negative criticism is killing me.

My mum was expecting a delivery but it did not arrive. While I had the place to myself I decided to go downstairs and sit infront of the heater while watching TV like I used to do prior to getting my laptop back. I found a channel called “POP MAX” which shows several episodes of Pokemon in sequence. My mother eventually returned home and she said that she’d like to watch “an asian movie”, I wasn’t all that interested in Pokemon and planned on heading back to my room soon so I started up Netflix and searched “paki”, the only results were obscure Pakistani films, I then tried “Indian”, some recognisable names came up, I selected “Dongal” despite my mothers protests, I advised her that this flick was a huge hit. My sister arrived back within 10 minutes or so with a takeaway, I left the room after eating, my family were enjoying the film and did not have any interest in conversing while watching it.

Before she got into it though, my sister brought up that YouTube video of a black teenage female who believed she was white and said it reminded her of me.

Back in the comfort of my bedroom I turned on my PlayStation 4 and played “Yakuza Kiwami” for around 3 hours, only 4 more chapters remaining. Instead of playing the next game, I might just watch the cutscenes on YouTube.

Part-timer

My sleep schedule is messed up and I’m waking up after 1pm regularly but on the bright side I received a phone call just before 5pm informing me that I go the job I interviewed for earlier in the week. Induction is next week, the location I was told to attend seems highly unprofessional, it’s not a site related to the business in any way. My contract will be for 20 hours, this might be perfect since I found working fulltime overwhelming at times.

I played a little Hearthstone and MTG Arena but mostly Yakuza Kiwami, the story seems extremely short. Not sure if I’ll play many more video games after I’m done with this, the only game (currently released) that has my curiosity is Disgaea 5.

Spent a while browsing TCG boxes, would love to start collecting cards and getting a rush from opening booster packs but if I haven’t bitten the bullet yet and made a purchase, I likely won’t ever do so.

Tried sticking to a diet but broke around 10pm.

The whole WWE incident has really shaken my self-esteem, I won’t know exactly how badly until I get out into the world again but I’m asking myself some difficult questions and feeling more uncomfortable with myself than I have for the last year or so. The diet was my idea to fix right the ship, another plan is getting a haircut but I’m not sure when would be the best time to arrange that.

Kinda just wallowing in a shallow existence right now. Pinning my hopes to the new job being the catalyst for major change.

Platinum #16

I started the day by running through 4 hours of the “Spider-Man” main story again in order to get the platinum trophy, I’m now done with it. With not much else to do in its place, I downloaded the monthly free games that come with PlayStation Plus, this month I have “Yakuza Kiwami”, just like with “Yakuza Zero”, I’ll just be playing it for the story, the minigames and stuff aren’t engaging enough for me.

Really need to start losing weight.

Didn’t apply for any jobs but I’m expecting to hear back from that part-time gig I interviewed for tomorrow.

Spider-man no more

I played “Spider-man” for the vast majority of the time I was awake, I’m one trophy away from the platinum but I’m going to need to reply the story part of the way through since I need more challenge tokens. Didn’t like how elements differed from the source material.

The only other thing I did was watch “The Apprentice”.

The “back-up” job I mentioned months ago finally got back to me about my pre-employment checks, they knocked me back, said “Your conviction is unspent and not in keeping with X Values”. Slightly disappointed but I already assumed I wasn’t getting this one.

I’ll apply to some jobs tomorrow.

AJ Styles is Racist (possibly)

I woke up a little after noon (again) and after breakfast and showering, I killed a little time on my laptop (cleared my Hearthstone quests, watched the new AT4W video). around 2:30pm I dressed up in a suit sans blazer and went to the town library to print a copy of my CV. After this I went to the job centre as that’s where my interview was being held, being back in that place didn’t invoke any strong feelings, I was given a form and told to fill it in, the information requested had already been provided when I applied online, this gave me a poor impression of the company.

After completing the form, I entered a room on the top floor along with 13 of prospective employees. We were there for a presentation initially followed by a group task and interview. My initial impressions of the mass of humanity I shared the room with was poor, there were two white women over 30, a white guy over 40 (he was nice, offered me chocolates), a 29 year old white guy (also nice), a camp paki male (nice), a young shy chubby paki male who wore a Man City jacket (his shyness irritated me, didn’t like that he had the same surname as me either), two black females (I think they were both from Jamaica, seemed nice but I didn’t like their casual dress), the remaining ones were all paki females, one scarfy (didn’t appear English was her native language, shy, felt bad for her as she was making an effort), the other paki females were all young students who were too smug for my liking. I thought my self superior to the others in the room, at first at least, thought myself too good for this role, even considered leaving.

Had to do an into, I was comfortable enough with it, said nothing about me was interesting, I like anime and video games and that people are surprised by my age, could see the look of shock on peoples faces. Group task was dull, just made a list of bullet points and somehow the actual interview was even duller, I was asked 3 questions which just confirmed what I had already provided in the booklet I filled in at the beginning. The man seemed most interested in my availability. Probably got the gig, I’ll hear by next week. The 29 year old white and camp paki were in my group during the group task, talked to them on the way out, said I’d see them again during the induction since the paki was worried about how it went.

Back at home I discovered my mother had bought me another take-away, not having another meal at night would balance it out so I ate the chicken on naan. After an hour or so I was ready to go to the wrestling show. I arrived at the venue on time and located mys eat efficiently, though I felt like I got funny looks from the couple next to me, in their 20s a male and a hambeast. They left and swapped seats twice during the show, possibly because I refused to let the hambeast spill over onto my seat. The 15 minutes before the show started were long, I just browsed on my phone, couldn’t post on 4chan as banned. Despite having a great view (front row, ringside and just off central, hard camera side) I wasn’t really into the show, could be because I was burned out from yesterday or because I was alone this time, it was an objectively better show than yesterday but I constantly found myself drifting off. In addition to Smackdown there were tapings of “205 Live” and “Mixed Tag Challenge” just before the Smackdown main event which lasted 5 minutes at most, that was disappointing but the biggest disappointment was yet to come.

As the show was over, Daniel Bryan went around and “fived” everyone sitting ringside, me included, it was cool. AJ Styles also did the same, though I felt he deliberately missed me out, I think he was potentially racist based on his background, I always thought he was a vanilla midget anyway so I don’t care that much but it always hurts to be left out or ignored.

Before going to sleep I posted a little and played Hearthstone.