Is it easy or does he just make it easy?

Back on the phones at work and I’ve stopped playing Final Fantasy.

The little guy spoke to me twice, once at the start of our shift and again during lunch. Spoke a little about vidya but we didn’t have anything in common. He is playing the Crash Bandicoot remake and several mobile games, I actually downloaded one, it’s like storage hunters, didn’t get to talk about the show. Mentioned not liking music, not travelling and having no plans. I made some decent jokes, said his trip to Croatia sounded like a Hostel type situation, he said be wasn’t staying at one, I said I meant the film, he smiled. He asked my age, I was ashamed to say, he l looked younger, I joked it was because I dressed like a child (pre-prepared joke), he said it was my face. Happy with that.

He noted he didn’t see me at the bar for monthly free drinks with work colleagues, I guess I should be glad he didn’t assume I’m Muslim. 

The only major screw up was using the word “basically”, like a paki.

I don’t understand how it’s so easy for him to talk to me and others, the trans person sat near me for 5 minutes but I still couldn’t engage. I suppose it helps that he’s an interesting person.

Forgot to renew my season ticket so I bought a single when I arrived at the station. Might gamble and buy a month long pass tomorrow.

Still eating badly.

Life is great

I had a another great day today. Played some Final Fantasy q5, cleared the 6th post-game dungeon, I might do one more but I’m definitely starting Persona 5 this week. Only other games I’ve got my eyes on afterwards are Dragonball Xenoverse, Naruto Legacy, DmC (since it’s so cheap and I love hack’n’slash), Resident Evil 7 and Akiba’s Beat.

Me and my sisters went another day without arguing, we’re even planning a weekend in London.I’m going to try and buy some theatre tickets. I’ll need to pull a sicky from work, not going to be easy since I’m going to be doing that this week for my court date. Still not contact from solicitor, I’ll start calling tomorrow.

Given how perfect things are going right now, I can’t imagine the trial going badly.

Watched UFC 214, decent show, my sister took an interest, we chatted, it’d be too much to say we bonded. I then had to watch the show again when my younger cousin asked if he could come around and watch it with me, I pretended I hadn’t seen it yet. We used to do this regularly with our brothers a couple of years ago.

Read the latest Kaiki chapters.

Platinum again

Hit Platinum on Final Fantasy 15. Might try the rest of the post game dungeons for a week before starting Persona 5, either way, I’m done with this and it’s time to sell on.

I had a nice day with the family again, no fighting, lot of respect for other peoples feelings. Watched some Rick & Morty with one sister and House of Cards/Last Chance U on my own.

I think someone is stealing my Cypro, every other night I take a pill, split it in half, consume it then leave the other half for the next night but the second half keeps disappearing or I’m just being forgetful.

Looks like my trial is only going to be an hour long at best, gutted.

Couldn’t use the computers at the library due to an EDL march.

Mum commented on me dressing like a female.

I never learn

I worked emails again, I do enjoy it more than taking calls and I feel a sense of pride due to being given a little more responsibility.

The onlyt thing that sticks out from today is a terrible interaction I had with the very laddish Northern guy sitting next to me. He’s into UFC and boxing but unfortunately I’ve not yet been able to pluck up the courage to interject into one of his conversations. He’s slightly younger than me but been around longer, all the managers left due to having leaving drinks with a couple of staff who have moved on so he was anointed as the guy you go to if you have a query.

Someone asked him a question, he didn’t know the answer so turned to me and asked of I knew, I had been imagining similar scenarios for a while and the way to respond is to joke about being useless but unfortunately I forgot this and instead decided to insult him, I said “Do I fuck, have some self respect, you’ve been here longer than me.”, my other faults here were needing to repeat myself and swearing. He responded with a compliment, said I knew stuff.

Got on well with the family despite a short argument about my hair.

Listened to the new Jay-Z and Arcade Fire albums on my way to and from work in an attempt to broaden my horizons. Both suck.

Paki or Pikey?

My trial is next week and my solicitor is ignoring me, I’ll take it as a positive sign, he’s either busy working on the case or just considers me such a low priority because the case will be an easy win.

My outgoings this month are in the region of £750, it’ll be a little while before I get this down, maybe I’ll take on some overtime.

Work was fine, I worked emails again, sat next to the DnD guy, had several bad interactions, I just couldn’t followup in meaningful ways. There was also an awkward 20 seconds when I wasn’t sure he was talking to me, I looked around until I outright said that I wasn’t sure I was being spoken to.

Angry to find out a suspected autist is actually a normie, he’s been travelling and spoke to a female.

Think I heard someone say “break the pakis legs” when talking about football. I’d report it to HR but I’m having doubts about what I heard.

Sorted out the new TV for the most part but I could probably do with fidgeting with the picture settings some more. I got on well with my sisters today, we watched Friends in HD and an episode of Yokai Watch.

I don’t think I have depression anymore as I’m more energetic and find it easier to get out of bed.

I think it’s really obvious I’m wearing women’s trainers due to the heel.

Broken

I had an argument with my sisters about the new TV, after an hour of shouting and upsetting them, I became upset, I went into my room and cried for an hour, my mother and sisters entered my room individually every 5-10 minutes but that just triggered more tears. I eventually came down and the new television was set up, the picture quality seems worse and it leans forward.

I really want to book tickets for some kind of event and attended with my sisters. Possibly Circus of Horrors.

I’m hating more people at work. I don’t like how I’m the only loner. The trans person seems to be a loner now too though.

Sponsored by Sketchers

I couldn’t post the last few days bye to by new ISP delaying setup, it was a rough period, went to sleep around 8am each day.

Work has been fine but the girl sitting next to me has become chatty, it’s making me anxious, I’m trying to respond like a normie but I’m not even half way successful, I either respond factually or not at all and it’s not in my normal voice. The little guy is a turbo normie, friends with several “quirky” girls. I hate them all. Chocolate guy might be a robot, he’s often alone, hard to believe since he’s rather cute, maybe I’m just catching him at the wrong times.

Head of the call centre gave me a special corporate hoodie, it’s a bit feminine, she said it was a reward, she asked every manager to nominate someone and remarked that I was in high demand, a reference to my great call time and email response rate, I assume. The girl sitting next to me complimented the hoodie, as did the chatty guy when I wore it on Monday.

Sketchers arrived, size 8, had to return them, size 7 is still a little big but they’ll do. It’s like walking on a cloud, really revolutionized my walking experience.

Beat the Adamantoise and 5 post-game dungeons on Final Fantasy 15. I’ll buy Persona 5 and/or Naruto Legacy Collection next.

I bought a new TV for £450, I’ll move the old one into my bedroom, I suppose. Need to repair the TV aerial though, I messed it up, I’ll either get me dad to call one of his paki friends tomorrow or I’ll call someone this weekend.

My sister (who knows about my gender issues) hates me through my relationship with other sisters is improving. Figured something out, I might want to be female in order to improve my relationship with my mother, we were close when it was just the two of us but as time went on she became closer to my sisters and I was just not a part of her inner circle anymore, I unintentionally drifted towards my father and that caused a rift, it caused her to hate me and for us to grow further apart. I hated her too over time. The question is though, do I need to change or is she the problem?

Reward for 6 months of grinding

I worked on emails all day, yet again. I was assigned more difficult ones this time, towards the end of the day I asked for help with one I didn’t know how to handle, I awkwardly stood around a group of 5 people with the emails manager at the centre, I was asked by another person if they could help but I could only mumble and point. The emails manager then asked me directly what I needed. She was a bit abrupt.

I was given a corporate hoodie by the head of the call centre, she said she asked all the managers to nominate someone who does a good job or something and she said I was in high demand, possibly referencing my great call time and email response rate.

New internet was supposed to start today but it hasn’t, using mobile internet instead.

Skipped lunch but that was because I forgot my wallet.

Trans person had a Palestine wristband. It said “for Palestine”, couldn’t make out all of it.

The only person I spoke to was the girl next to me, she initiated, she’s a normie but I should try to talk to her a little too.

On my own again

I quit my 6th counselling session after 25 minutes and declined any further therapy. I pretty much spewed what I wrote in the final paragraph of yesterdays blog post. Close to tears for about 5-10 minutes at the end, just listened to my counsellor lie, told me he’s worked with thousands of people but he’ll remember me. I did feel upset he didn’t make more of an effort to get me to stay. I just wanted someone to care. 

I feel as if I will slit my wrists soon. I’d do it for the attention and some release. It’ll be after the trial, won’t be at home. Also feeling anger and the need to lash out, physical violence is out of the question, poison sprang to mind. It likely just calms me to know that maybe I can end my suffering in a less pathetic way.

Played some Final Fantasy, level 69, doing more post-game stuff, just want to be done with this game and move on with my life. I think I might have been in a hurry to end counselling just so I could play more.

Size 8 womens Sketchers are too big, exchanging them for size 7.

My sisters still hate me.

The plan once my trial is over – move out & join a social club. Maybe I’ll even come out.

Feeling far more energetic now, less trouble waking up in the morning, strange since I’ve been off the antidepressants for a week now.

Feel like hanging myself or slitting wrists

I worked on emails at work again, still no acknowledgment for my efforts in answering over 100 for two days straight. It frustrates me how people with inferior stats get to do emails too.

I’m interjecting myself into other peoples conversations, trying to offer help, I’m not sure how I’m perceived, I doubt it’s well. A couple of girls next to me had difficult calls and I tried to help but I didn’t really succeed. I can only hope that I’m seen as more human now that I’ve come out of my shell a little.

Ate poorly again.

I’ve started listening to music to and from work, makes the journey more bearable.

At home I played a little Final Fantasy, less than half an hour later my sisters arrived home demanding I get off the TV in 15 minutes so they could watch soaps. We traded barbs and accused each other of being unfair and an idiot. My sister wouldn’t move from the spot she sat down in between myself and the screen, this triggered me so I called the prophet Muhammad a peadophile as I knew this would get under their skin. My sisters called me a manchild, a coward and noted I was pathetic for still living at home. Upset I turned off the console and went to get a second helping of lasagna from the kitchen. I tossed a plate into the sink as it was in the cupboard but unclean. My mum violently threw it back and shouted at me.

I spent the final 3-4 hours of the day in my bedroom. I posted on 4chan and watched a Nostalgia Critic episode. I spent a little time searching for places to rent, anywhere close enough to my train route, £325 seems to be the cheapest.

I did some self introspection in preparation for my counselling session tomorrow, my conclusions are that counselling isn’t for me, I’ve wasted this guys time, I have nothing to talk about because I have no problems, I am the problem, I hate everything about myself, I deluded myself into thinking I could improve but I’ll never be the girl I imagine, I’ll never have friends and my life sucks because of me, I won’t do anything to change this despite knowing I should, I wanted someone to wave a magic wand, that’s why I kept coming despite knowing that’s not what counselling is but it was easier to turn up here once a week than actually do something. I haveno right to complain, I can’t even control my eating to improve my body image, knowing all this, suicide is the best options a but I’m too lazy to even do that.