Getting groggier

My fatigue is still present, 11 hours of sleep and I was still yawning 2 hours later at work. One of the new females on the team is hitting some high stats, I’m still beating her but it takes slight effort. It’s completely pointless but if I’m not answering the most emails then I lose one of the only things I actually take pride in myself for.

Had a little interaction with guy sitting opposite me and ex-bully now on social media team. Gave my opinions on Black Mirror, said 4/6 episodes were good, last one sucked and that I called the twist in S3E3 quickly, got excited and repeated myself like a paki. Expressed some culture by being aware of a film the others weren’t (Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood).

Community payback thing tomorrow, not sure what to expect.

My mum seemed upset but wouldn’t say what was troubling her.

While I was out, my uncle came over and fixed our TV aerial.

Eating poorly and playing Candy Crush on the train.

Still can’t wake up

Again I went through the day exhausted despite taking in over 11 hours of sleep. Getting out of bed was a physical challenge. My father insisted on driving me to work despite the trains now operating as usual, I didn’t have the strength to argue so I accepted his offer. On the way in, I noticed several shops were the signs and advertisements were entirely in Chinese, more nerve than even the pakis, it’s shocking but still somehow less offensive.

During work hours I called the probation office, my caseworker comes across as a cunt, he required me to meet him this week despite me having work obligations. Pushed it to Friday morning. I also arranged a GP appointment in 2 weeks time.

The tall guy still greets me at work, we sit together during breaks and lunch, not saying much as no one takes the initiative to find common ground. It’s difficult and I’m lacking energy right now.

The two people I sit next to started talking about kids and relationships, I left my desk but when I returned they turned on me, I just said I’ve no interest in having kids and that I’m the oldest child. It was an invitation to engage but I didn’t have any more to say. The only other interaction was when I made a remark about smoking being bad.

Massively overate, it’s like a competition, I eat more every day.

Round and round the moodswings go

Getting out of bed was difficult as 10 hours of sleep wasn’t enough, I chose to skip showering in order to get an extra 30 minutes. My dad drove me into work and picked me up since the trains weren’t running, it was a pleasant drive. At work I was unfocused despite working a reduced number of hours. Not much talking.

Whilst writing this post, I spaced out for 10 minutes imagining going on a rant at my manager. Hopefully we’ll have another one to one before he leaves so I can actually give him a piece of my mind.

My youngest sisters hate me again since my dad bought me a takeaway (he gave them each £5 when they complained, they weren’t bought food since they were already eating meals). My sister wished me dead. The oldest of my sisters seems to be on good terms with me again.

Considering dropping all my money into a fixed rate 1 year savings account. It’s free money. Struggling to set it up though since the ones with the best rates are not proper banks.

Watched Little Mermaid and the soaps.

Yesterday I went to my grandmothers house to give my uncle an Xmas gift, a spare Youview+ box. Also spent an hour downstairs with my gran watching Coronation Street. Still feels better to give gifts rather than buy myself crap.

Just like any other day really

The day started of fine as me and my mother were the first to wake, she gave me my present first, it was a £2.50 large plastic cup with straw attachment from B&M bargains. I then went upstairs to get her gift, a Kindle Paperwhite. Nothing much of note of Kindle Unlimited, very disappointing but managed to find a few books for her for the time being. I’m actually happy with the cup, with the amount of Coke Zero I drink, the straw will help me protect my teeth.

I didn’t see my dad all day, so I was right to give him his gift yesterday. When the family was gathered and after I’d binged on cereal and crisps, we had a Christmas dinner, roasted chicken, potatos, carrots, parsnips, broccoli, gravy and fish sauce or something. It was OK, chicken was too dry though.

Watched Mr Beans Holiday, The Santa Claus Movie, Cinderella (2015), Doctor Who and the soaps. I thought Doctor Who was entertaining and the ending of EastEnders was impactful, guy tried to commit suicide, his two daughters saved him but died themselves. It’s upsetting but mostly emotionally confusing.

Played Pokemon and Hearthstone, completed Dungeon Run, it’s fun.

Not talking to my sisters again and they appear to be annoyed by my presence, they’re also actively ignoring me.

Eve

I gave my father his Christmas present early, Sketchers, it was partly because I wasn’t sure I’d see him tomorrow but mostly because I didn’t want to show him kindness in front of my mother.

Played some FF 12, it’s a good game, can’t believe I hated it 10 years ago. Started doing Dungeon Runs on Hearthstone, fun.

My eating habits are terrible but starting tomorrow I’m going to start doing 100 sit ups every other day again.

Didn’t leave the house, shower or wear clean clothes.I spent almost the entire day in the same room.

My relationship with my youngest sisters is fine now, we watched “Bright” together and even part 2 of the Celtics/Lakers documentary. Also watched Monsters University and The FMA Brotherhood film alone.

A bad trade

My mood remained generally positive or at least neutral for most of the day, an improved relationship with two of my sisters accomplished that, I believe. On the other hand, my relationship with my mother has collapsed, she quizzed me about my recent legal issues and was surprised when I divulged certain information (I’m surprised, thought she already knew), I became angry and told her I didn’t want to speak to her. She was also angry, lost most sympathy for me.

Played a little FF 12 and watched a little football too and a Hobbit film with the 2 sisters I get on with. The other sister had banned me from using one of the showers in the house as I’m to exhausted to ever clean it.

Spent the whole day wearing female clothes, my mother was the only one to comment. She was vague, not clear entirely on what she was getting at, same thread about me being unrecognizable.

Britain wakes

I was too fatigued in the morning to shower so I didn’t. The cool fog ois still greeting me in the mornings but it’s not enough to significantly lift my spirits. What did cheer me up though was reading the news this morning, it appears the people of this great country and finally waking up and acting on what they always knew. Brexit has made it OK to express ourselves in this way.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-42443028
(It’s an article about Poles becoming the most targeted racial group in Aberdeen)

Work was fine, conversation with the woman sitting next to me is still unnatural but a common occurrence. 

The reddit gang on the social media team and the guy sitting opposite me started talking about anime, I naturally wanted to join in and reveal my power level but couldn’t find an opening. They had common normie tastes, Death Note and Attack on Titan. The only thing that surprised me was one of them tried a Crunchyroll subscription once. As the conversation was winding down, one of them foolishly said the Death Note films were Chinese and I loudly stated “Did you just say Chinese?!”, the loudness was partially due to the distance between us. I was mostly ignored, guy opposite me acknowledged what I said and corrected the other guy.

Since people are going to be on holiday for a while, I got assigned several peoples unresolved emails and even a few complaints, it was painful and it’s not over but I’m happy to let them sweat it out over Xmas.

No arguments or much conversation at home.

Got a date for my first appointment with my case worker but I can’t attend that date due to work.

Closer to happiness and resolution

Today being the day of the year with the least amount of sunlight, it was unsurprisingly difficult to get out of bed, however once I got outside, I felt glee for some reason. Also had a chocolate donut for breakfast alongside my cereal.

Quiet at work now since most people appear to be off for Xmas. I hit 100 emails again, got quite the streak going on. Although I’ve noticed a new woman on the team this week has been answering emails at a rate even higher than my own, she must be taking the easy ones, it’s inexplicable. There are no open desks in the department so she doesn’t get to sit with us, so I guess I can feel smug about that.

Tall guy attempted to talk to me a few times but we can’t recreate the magic of that one time we were waiting for the train together, I put in little effort this time due to my low mood. On the way out of the building at the end of my shift I bumped into the Hearthstone guy, nice short little chat about the game.

At home, my cousin came around, having some drama with her family that makes mine pale in comparison.

My relationship with the youngest 2 of my sisters has improved, we played a bit of Nintendo Switch together for the first time. They laughed with childish joy on numerous occasions.

The trainers for my father arrived, I’ll wrap them and give them to him on Xmas. The “Threads” budget lootcrate thing I got sucks, got a book instead of a graphic novel.

Wrath & Envy

There was a thick fog enchanting the streets in the morning, it was pretty cool. At work I felt nothing for most of the day, that changed midday when I was made aware there was a “Christmas” feast in the break room, I lacked the confidence though to eat anything. It was too difficult to even stay in the area, after 10 minutes and a loss at Hearthstone, I got up and went out to seek a meal. I killed some time in a book store too, making my way through Secret Invasion currently.

I was also unable to pick up a free raffle ticket. I didn’t know the exact process and didn’t want to ask. Felt angry at everyone, when I try to think why, it’s hard to justify, I just know that I felt complete contempt for all my co-workers at that time. Things took a positive turn when me and the woman I sat next to bonded over not caring about the raffle, we stayed to work while the others went to watch the draw. Turns out everyone was already in the raffle and we didn’t need to pick up tickets? and so she won a tablet. Felt bitter. The blond sitting opposite me also won a FitBit, reckon it was rigged, she’s popular around here.

Made it to the end of the day without hurting myself or crying.

No arguments at home, just being ignored and overeating. In bed at 9pm due to exhaustion and boredom.

A friend – or close enough

Today was the day I arranged to meet up with the /brit/ poster from a couple weeks back, I wasn’t particularly excited since I was unsure he would actually show up. I emailed him a couple if times in the morning to get some reassurance, it helped though expectations were still low.

I decided to dress “girl mode” but it’s not saying much since my outfit was just skinny jeans and a t-shirt/plaid shirt combo that was covered up by my mens Superdry jacket. No make up.

I arrived at Manchester Victoria, our meeting point at 12:03, sat down on a bench, pulled my phone out and got ready to email him again but he swiftly appeared at my left hand side, I was a bit taken aback but that disappeared quickly, I found him astonishingly easy to speak to – presumably because I was already an open book to him, there were no secrets, nothing to be ashamed of,  no need to be on guard or distant. Plus I assumed we were cut from the same cloth though it turns out I was somewhat wrong here, he’s not a “racist”, UKIP voter, weeb, August, depressive or failure. He speaks well and seems to come from a middle class background, also has friends. Not an /r9k/ poster or regular at least. NEET but not even for 2 months. Really struggled to find his quirk, he knows a furry but denied being one himself so the only thing I can assume he could potentially still be is a nonce, which I’m fine with since it doesn’t affect our relationship. 

The first notable thing he said to me was that I had a “Rochdale accent”, I immediately took offence and asked if that meant he thought I spoke like a paki, he denied this but couldn’t elaborate, he did this a few times, I told him I was happy for him to be brutally honest but he insisted on sparing my feelings.

We wandered around central Manchester for over two hours, he needed to go to the bathroom which was curious, I did think once he was planning on ditching me. We took in the Christmas markets, he took me to a Mexican place where I ate my first burrito (delicious!), I pointed out people eating on their own and an interracial couple but he didn’t like that, he also didn’t like me harping on about pakis, I probably should have stopped but couldn’t help myself. He made an anti-Islam remark though.

There was also a quick visit to a pub, the barkeep looked like an EDL member, looked at me in a curious way too, probably anti-paki at the very least. I got a cider, he got a lager, it was kinda cool how he called it by it’s brand name, Taddy’s. I think I asked more questions about him than I expositioned about myself, that’s good, I’m learning. Despite only being 23 and making me feel pathetic for befriending someone younger, he has some old fashioned “nerd” interests like writing fiction and Star Trek. Hates capeshit which is great but likes Gotham which is confusing. Plays Hearthstone which is neat too, need to send him my battle tag.

On the way out of the pub, he bumped into a black guy, old, immigrant, black guy told him to watch where he was going, in response my pal essentially told him to fuck off in a rather eloquent way. I was impressed, not sure where that came from, couldn’t read that in his personality at all, did not seem like the confrontational type.

Bit too buzzed from the cider, my balance was off and my head was light.

He declined my offer to watch a film and we parted ways. He wanted to shake hands like a paki and told me that we could meet up again if I wanted to. I enjoyed spending time with him, it’s new for me to have someone I can really talk to and the time just flew by. Although leaving the house is still a massive effort for me and it would be easier to just not try and do some media type activity at home where it’s quiet, safe and warm. It’s healthy and positive for me, I understand that.

Home was the same as always, arguments with the sisters and calling my dad a paki 10+ times.

Massively overate, cereal, burrito, cider, 2x crisps, chocolate chip roll, large plate of chips/fish/beans. Hope I can starve myself tomorrow.