Still on the same track

I played Digimon for at least 12 hours. Only now going to sleep at 3:30am. It’s not an especially good game, just another autism simulator that’s gotten its hooks into me.

My mum bought me a Subway sandwich and Diet Coke (I’ve flipped from Coke Zero).

I took a few short breaks throughout the day, firstly to eat(watched party of a Black Mirror episode in the background), then a trip to the post office and lastly I went downstairs for 2 hours to watch the soaps with my family. Tomorrow I need to make some time for my mischievous plot.

I did not interact with my sister today and likely won’t ever again while I have a TV and PS4 set up in my bedroom.

The rest of the week

I stayed up until 1am playing Digimon. Took a break to eat and watch the Royal Rumble. I guess the result of the mens Rumble was a surprise and I approve of the winner.

My sisters hate me. Went out to get food for themselves but not for me. My mother had a go at them.

I wasn’t completely immobile today, I went to the post office to collect my tranny pills.

oh god, what have I done?

As usual, I hit my target on emails within 4 hours. The rest of the day dragged since I had to entertain myself. I watched a couple of videos and played Hearthstone.

Once everyone else in the department left the office at 5:00pm, I made some moves. I don’t know how much was planned and how much was just taking advantage of the opportunity but I…repeated behavior of times long past. I’m not proud of it, I learned little and the risk is massive since I made amendments that will raise suspicions.

The bigger mistake however was me sending out an email to all 100+ people in the customer service email group. I sent instructions on how to perform an action on the system that no one is ever formally taught and only a few people know how to perform (most of them being managers). I sent it out since I was incensed tha the new girl was taught this and none of my recent managers or coach had taken 2 minutes to teach me this, instead they let me constantly ask someone else to do it for me. Now everyone knows, we’re all equal and the world is fair.

The problem management might see is that some people are not responsible enough to use the system code since it could seriously fuck stuff up. Now the cat is out the bag, they have no way of monitoring or controlling it (as far as I’m aware).

Got a week off from work so no immediate consequences. 

Had a short chat with a guy at work about football and called him delusional for thinking Wigan would beat West Ham 4-0.

Played a lot of Digimon at home but too tired to watch all of the Royal Rumble live.

A dastardly plan is hatched

Due to my anger concerning my situation at work, I’ve been experiencing difficulty sleeping for the last few days. That changed last night, a fiendishly Cleveland ploy sprung to my mind and it reminded me that I have the capacity to turn the tables on all of those who overlooked me. I can’t go into even the most basic of details since it’s probably enough to get me fired since it’s just pure malicious.

Work itself was fine, I hit my target after 4 hours. I then watched Black Mirror on Netflix since there were only a couple of other people in on the weekend. I had multiple awkward interactions, during all of them I was confident but said the wrong thing, partially due to misunderstanding what was said by the other party in the first instance.

Fucked up, (potentially) cost the company £200, even if I haven’t and this can be remedied, it is still a major error that will be addressed. It relates to the new queue so I guess I can claim lack of training since this is the first time I’ve been allowed to work on it. It would make sense to cool my lust for more demanding work for a while.

On my way home a police man grabbed my arm when I ignored his shouts to stop walking down a particular path (think someone was trying to jump). Hoping the piggy gets shot soon.

Watched the second half of the last Lord of the Rings film at home and played Digimon.

Time for the “Awakening arc”?

The first event of today was more empowering than anything else this year. I got into work at around 8.45am as usual. I set myself up on my computer and then my former manager, now “call centre manager” approached me and asked if I could complete a minor task. It was admin crap for fellow staff. I initially accepted but then got up and approached him at his desk on the other side of the office and said “You should find someone else to do this, my shift starts at 9am, it’s unfair for me to be penalised for coming in early.” I then walked away, he said nothing and then scrambled to find someone else to take on his task (got the other new girl on emails who hasn’t clicked yet and a manager). My manager hadn’t even spoken to me for a month since he got the new position. Doing him this favour would have gotten me nothing.

I got a decent queue to work on again but it’s meaningless, I’m only getting it due to the rotation system that’s likely in place behind the scenes. I hit my target number of emails around 12:30. I then spent the vast majority of the time until 5pm in the break room. I spent more time away from my desk than at it. I did periodically check back in to see if I had any replies to the emails already sent…and to see if anyone cared. I got a shock during my 3.45pm visit, the woman sitting next to me told me my manager was looking for me. I got excited despite telling myself to keep my expectations grounded. I was right but still disappointed, my manager just had some crap to brief me on for the weekend shift. I acted stupid because that’s how I was being treated. I should do the stuff in the new girls queue but in my words, only the “easy stuff”.

I was gutted and infuriated. It probably showed. I left the office immediately and went back to the break room to play Hearthstone.

There was a tasty bit of info I overheard, we’ve started getting in more emails than getting out again. Now that I’ve “downed tools” and I’ve got holidays throughout the week, this will only get worse. I have no investment here, that much has been made clear, so I will gladly stand back and laugh as those with responsibilities are drowned in the coming flood.

Still angry despite getting closer to making my point.

I had a conversation with the guy who has been off for a month. His dad died. Good conversation. I made jokes and was positive.

Played Digimon for a bit at home.

Once I get my laptop back, I’ll take it into work to use when I’m away from my desk. Hopefully that will provoke a reaction.

Not heard from probation in a while….strange.

Living by my own rules

Today was the first day of the rest of my work life in my current role. I did the bare minimum of work, that’s only 70 emails answered and some of those weren’t even replies, just me moving them into another queue but they counted towards my productivity anyway. This was accomplished around 12pm so 3 hours into my shift.

Next is where the “fun” began. I started off by openly working on my CV and searching for jobs at my desk, I soon got bored and just went to the break room to play Hearthstone. Lunch at 1, got a chicken mayo baguette and a coke zero. I clocked back in then immediately went back to the break room to play more Hearthstone. I popped back to my desk for 5 minutes to see if anyone noticed I’d been gone or gave the slightest fuck. Back to the break room and out of boredom I engaged a couple of guys in conversation, there were only 2 of them and I spoke to them before, the little guy and chatty older guy. The older guy soon left but was replaced by another guy I’d had some experience speaking to when working. I bitched to all of them about how unappreciated I was feeling, that it didn’t matter, no one cared. I hit my target, that’s my job, nothing more, nothing else at all is expected or wanted from me.

Turns out male #3 liked Hearthstone and the little guy liked WWE, decent power level but lower than mine, he knew about smarks but not “Vanilla Midgets” or $5 wrestling. The conversation was weaker than expecting, they didn’t seem to want to talk to me, just get on with their late lunches. I then returned to my desk at 3:30pm in the hope that someone would care but no. I sat down for a few then got up and to put on my coat. That got a few peoples attention, I was asked if I was going on lunch due to being on a late shift, I said I wasn’t, that I’m just going into town for an hour since I hit my target ages ago. The former bully asked if I could do that, I said I don’t know but I will until told otherwise. 

I just wandered around, window shopped, browsed comics, went into a new shop, it sucked. Back at work, I did nothing then killed the final half an hour with more Hearthstone, had to cut a game short since it was time to leave.

The new girl is a massive trigger for me, every time someone comes up to speak to her, I get up to leave because I can’t fucking stand it. It probably shows on my face. My manager annoys the fuck out of me too, she assigns special tasks and crap to everyone else but me, she initiates conversation with everyone but me, I thought she didn’t know I existed and today I was proven right, she has nothing for me. What triggered me at the beginning of the day was that I was just assigned “oldest” emails, that’s fucking nothing. It’s what you get when there’s nothing specific for you.

Exceeding the targets I’ve been set for 4 months, since I started, has gotten me nowhere, I’ve literally never even got so much as a “well done”. Yet, a lesser being has been seemingly rewarded. There is no fairness in this game, without fairness there are no rules or at least they’re worthless. So from now on I’ll start playing the game by my own rules, I am already god, it’s the mission of the minnows around me to simply survive.

Quirky guy was off sick. Tall guy got a new job, leaving next week. I bitched to him too.

At home I went upstairs soon after arriving. Still struggling to get into Digimon, I instead spent most of the time watching Black Mirror and Black Lightning. Both were OK.

Couldn’t find anything to use the £10.00 Amazon discount on.

I shouted at my dad again, he wants to spend time with me but I just want to be left alone. He was upset. I came downstairs for a short while like he wanted me to and I invited him to do an activity with me he hasn’t don’t before. He seemed much happier.

Maybe I don’t have social anxiety?

Today got off to a great start since I was well rested and I had a meaningful interaction early in the day. While walking away from my desk to ask “the Q” a question, I passed the desk of the quirky guy, he politely greeted me and then I took the initiative and engaged him in conversation, I told him he was right about Final Fantasy XII. We talkesd about the game for around 10 minutes, there was humor and the conversation flowed brilliantly, he was even impressed by me beating the superboss at level 63. The only hicup was when I misunderstood what he want by completing hunts and bestiary and didn’t realise until afterwards. I avoided him at lunch, couldn’t top what was already done. I also quite liked how the conversation happened in the middle of the call centre so everyone could see I was a functional human being.

I talked a fair bit with the woman sitting next to me too. A few laughs were had. It’s becoming led awkward. I need to start talking to the guy a bit more than just when it’s the two of us.

New girl is still working on her project. I’m still being overlooked and I’m preparing to start doing the bare minimum, I got to do the urgent stuff today so I felt a bit appreciated but it’s probably just done on a rota basis. I also looked bad in front of her when I asked a question but that’s due to my lack of training which I was again highlighting.

Played Digimon for 30 minutes. I’ll get into it eventually. Got the free DLC via the website too. Bought Akiba’s Beat.

Nothing pleasant at home. My dad wanted me to set up a DVD player for him so the family could watch a wedding video from Pakistan. I told him to fuck off, my sister set it up instead and I left the room to play PS4 and watch WWE network.

Bitch

Unhappy at work again. The new girl is still seemingly being given more responsibility and training than me though at least today I got to lash out a bit by throwing 50+ emails her way since I’m not allowed to resolve them myself even though they’re literally the easiest fucking emails that get sent though. There’s a possibility that she was only given this responsibility because most other people are using up their holidays now but she has few left.

I probably hit an all time record today, over 160 emails, that’s double the target (stats inflated by me not answering emails but just moving them to another queue).

I’m trying to irritate my new manager, she’s treating me like I’m useless so I’m acting like it by constantly asking her questions which relate back to my lack of training and responsibility.

In bed by 8pm. Watched some AT4W and read Kaiji.

Despite being proud of myself for skipping lunch, I ultimately failed as I binged on junk food at home.

Today was not the day

Due to not sleeping until 2am yesterday, I was unable to wake up until the afternoon today, my mum bought me McDonald’s. An adequate breakfast.

I am finished with Final Fantasy XII now, it took me 4 hours to beat the superboss, not difficult, just tedious. I’m 2 trophies off the platinum but I have no further desire to play this game, it won’t be fun and it’ll take a long time plus some effort. Time for Digimon tomorrow.

I still need to pick my tranny pills up from the post office before they get RTS, I’ll do it on Wednesday. I’ve enough Cypro to last until then.

I’ve slipped to rank 5 on Hearthstone. Gotten back in touch with the laser place and that’s about it. My grand plans will just have to wait a week since I’ve got work again.

Realised that I’ve not showered since Friday.

My relationship with my sisters is in tatters at best, non-existant at worst. They’ve made it clear they want nothing to do with me, even mocking my attempts at communication. I responded with cruel remarks, suggesting suicide.

I’ll just finish this first

I didn’t leave my home or shower, played Final Fantasy 12 for 10+ hours. All a re-run of yesterdays events. Should change tomorrow, after defeating the final superboss, I’m done with this game, I’m not going to spend my time completing the bestiary or the trial mode for the final 2 trophies. It wouldn’t be fun on any level.

Both of my parents are concerned about me spending so much time in my bedroom. I’m sure it’s mostly genuine concern but also because they don’t trust me on my own.

I spent a lot of time fantasising about work – having conversations with colleagues about topics I am knowledgeable in and aware they have also expressed an interest in too such as anime and UFC. I watched some UFC today, it was dull.

Might buy a new mattress, I’ve got the money for it after all, my current one is between 5-10 years old.

Tomorrow might be the day I do something new or start being constructive.