Is he bi-polar?

Within an hour of posting the last blog entry, my ex-manager gave me a call, this was on shift, we chatted for over 2 hours, this made me very happy and helped overcome the crushing feeling after the encounter with my father.

Over the last 2 days I have been making trips to my flat and moving things there slowly, just what I can fit into my backpack. The one exception was when I carried my 7kg screen, it wasn’t that heavy and I didn’t have to walk much, the tram stops are close to both my home and flat. The worst part was the heat, I was drenched in sweat after each trip. Once I arranged the belongings there and put up the screen, the place looked very pleasant and liveable.

On Monday my father seemed to have come around to me moving and was being supportive, he offered to help move move and hugged me but on Tuesday he flipped again, he wants me to get married within 2 weeks, he says he’ll find someone. On the topic of my hair, he’s fine with it just being passed the ears. There were some other talking points sch as him saying he was wrong to love me and that I can fuck off but simultaneously didn’t relent on his demands.

I can leave and not return but I am concerned about the well-being of my other family members, even my mother who still wants me to get married, when I told my mother what my father said and that I likely wouldn’t return she suggested I might like the woman he finds.

Prior to that, I went to Morrison’s Cafe with my mother and sister, I had a lasagne and they had fish & chips. It was nice to get out and do something like this, I don’t socialise with my family much, my mother asked a lot of questions about the friend who will be helping me to move tomorrow. I also visited my aunt with them, it has been an extremely long time since I’ve seen her, we had a good chat, she’s also against me moving out.

Is it the grave that’s been calling?

I’m getting a little annoyed at work, the new guy is even lazier than his brother. Other than that, I have just been feeling more tired and bored than usual, as a result I’ve requested to cancel some holidays in October and move them over to September.

I spent my walking hours while not working packing up my final suitcase, placing some items in storage here and throwing away quite a bit of stuff too. I don’t have enough space to take everything I want to but it’s not so much that I’d need to fill another suitcase, the items are very minor and I could even leave them, mainly media.

My dad was working on changing the locks in the front door, it’s because sometimes it takes several attempts to open the door. He asked for help and I aggressively said that he should hire someone if he doesn’t know how to do it. He asked who would pay for it, I offered to and then the conversation resulted in me saying I’d be leaving soon. He repeatedly asked why and pushed for details, he couldn’t comprehend why I’d want to leave since I have my own room. Eventually he just kept telling me there would be “no chance” that I leave. He wasn’t implying I’d chicken out but that he wouldn’t allow it. We argued some more before I moved to leave, he muttered to himself about having loved me the most.

He later entered my room and sat on my bed. He demanded I cut my hair and get married within 2 weeks, that he would pay for someone to come to the house to do it. He said I was an embarrassment and that I’d be laughed at in the town I was moving to, he also couldn’t understand why I was renting, he said that was from gypsies, this too was an embarrassment, he said he would have bought me a house in Rochdale, he doesn’t understand that I want to get away. I stressed that I wanted to live my own life and that he should live his.

He tried to compromise by saying that I could leave if I cut my hair and got married. He then threatened to kill me and himself, I started tearing up and told him to just do it or get me some Paracetamol and I’ll kill myself. I think I was serious, I would rather just die if I can’t be free.

He went downstairs and started arguing with my mother, blaming her and then my brother intervened. My dad came back upstairs some time later, his eyes were red, he now settled for me just cutting my hair. I ignored him, I couldn’t tell him what he wanted. He left without arguing again.

I will give credit where it’s due, while my fathers idea of love is similar to control and abuse, he does at least care about me killing myself. My mother has come around and is more supportive now, she bought me some bed sheets and a duvet, the bed sheets are sparkly. Both my parents have been abusive and share responsibility for my mental health, both are still flawed and showing their version of love in their own way, I understand that but I have grown and I’m ready to move on from all this.

A minor miscalculation

I didn’t get much sleep before my shift on Wednesday, I believe I actually tried sleeping on my desk for a period to recover some energy. I started watching Sienfeld on Amazon Prime. It’s not funny but it’s a chilled out watch.

I got an hours worth of sleep before waking up to collect the key for my new flat. My sister, the one who no longer lives with us, gave me a ride, we also moved 2 suitcases of contents. The first just had clothes, all female, the second had random items such as a hairdryer and Pokémon plushies. I was tired to just left everything lying around, I didn’t have the energy to arrange much other than the bed sheets and setting up the broadband.

I need to purchase a duvet and possibly some pillows. The estate agent was a woman coloured orange, when she mentioned that all the employees at the estate agent she worked for were female, it set of a light bulb, I think my skill set in custom services would be well suited to being an estate agent.

There’s a good amount of space in the flat, two sofas, a wardrobe, double bed and two small chest of drawers. The TV stand is not large enough for my TV so I’ll need to do the same thing I do here which is balance it across two stands with books. I found a crumb near the bed which was disgusting, it haunts me now and I’m going to have to do an intensive clean when I’m next there.

The main concern though is that the bathroom is designed for a disabled person. There are handles across all the walls, a seat next to the shower and instead of a sliding glass door into the shower, the whole bathroom has no barriers, just a shower curtain, so the water from the shower will hit the floor and can seemingly wind up near the toilet area or even out the door and into the living room. This was seen in the pictures but they were small so I didn’t notice.

It is a large room but I’m not entirely sure if it’s actually the larger than some of those that were slightly cheaper.

I didn’t get much sleep before my next shift, the Carabao energy drink did little to help and I found myself trying to steal some z’s again.

I’ll post pictures of the flat once I’ve decorated it and moved over all my belongings.

Tomorrow is just a day away!

During my remaining 2 days off from work I started work on a video essay/documentary about MMA fight, Alexander Gustafson. I’ve written one page of a script so far.

I finished Injustice and have started Star Wars Battlefront 2, it’s another free PS Plus game. I’ve also started watching Seinfeld, it’s quite old and not funny but a chilled out watch.

I’m going to collect the keys for the flat tomorrow, I’m quite nervous about it now. Not sure how to start packing my belongings after my clothes.

The countdown is on

I worked another couple of days, both uneventful apart from the new guy, the brother of the last new starting to work proper shifts. I only spoke to him to tell him that I was going on break so he’d know he needs to hold down the fort. No point in wasting my time with him. My ex-manager still seems cold towards me, not as willing to engage in conversation. Maybe he still thinks I’m the one who complained about him.

My diet has continued to be a disaster, I have over-eaten pretty much every day, I bought Doritos and dip and they were consumed within 48 hours. I also had a burger meal. I’ve bought more HUEL though so once I move out, I’ll be all set for getting back on track.

My mother is regularly telling me that she doesn’t feel I should leave, I am becoming more antagonistic during these exchanges. During the most recent one though we agreed that we could both visit each other. I’ve packed a suitcase full of clothes, I think I might need to make a total of 3 trips to transport all my belongings.

On Monday I got my eyebrows threaded, I feel much better about myself now, much more confident, I might go clothes shopping or get a haircut. I’m really unsure about a haircut though, I usually start resenting how short it becomes after some time.

The move-in date has been set as the Thursday.

I’ve started playing “Injustice: Ultimate Edition”, it was given out to everyone for free due to the lockdown, the story is very well done and could be a film/episodes of a show. The graphics are dated though.

Oh so very soon

My shifts at work have been fine, I’m finding some people are getting lazier than usual, I hope it’s just a phase, I don’t want to be complaining again.

I’m also still finding it difficult to feel well rested between shifts even when I sleep for 10+ hours.

I’ve been given a new moving in date for my flat which is the 6th of August, I am concerned that I don’t know who the electricity supplier is and I’m not sure what will happen regarding the other bills. I’m hoping I just get a letter through the post and that will explain everything. The new regional lockdown is concerning but I’ll just laugh if the rug gets pulled out from underneath me again.

My mother expressed her concerns again, she’s not happy that I’m insisting on leaving my house key when I leave and don’t want to be called regularly. It’s because when I was back at university she would text to ask how I was and I’d reply with “fine”, she’s concerned I’ll go through similar issues in silence again.

Pigging Out

I have eaten massively since my last entry, I had a seekh kebab and 3 pieces of home made fried chicken during the night and then when I woke up I went to ASDA, it was my first trip there since lockdown began and it felt like refurbished home.

There was no queue and the place wasn’t too busy. I bought myself two bottles of Coke Zero, zero sugar energy drinks, Doritos and dip. When I got home I helped myself to the Doritos and the dip. I felt disgusted with myself, I then got some sleep and during my night shift had the other bag of Doritos and dip. I have no Doritos and dip left so hopefully should be able to control myself now.

The estate agent advised that the previous tenant left the flat in a poor state, they need to do a deep clean and touch up the paint work. They suggested they could do the paintwork around me but I opted to move in when everything was done instead. The date is now the 11th of August. My mother once again asked why I want to move out and I reminded her that I haven’t been able to watch TV in the living room for 3 years.

Still Waiting…

On Monday I went out for a burger meal, I also had 3 packets of crisps and lamb curry, I clearly have some sort of eating disorder but this will sort itself out once I move out. I spent some time playing “Rise of the Tomb Raider”, it’s nothing special but it’s free with PS Plus, it’s also the style of game that I like, one where you mostly just walk around.

The electricity company that I signed up with has said their application to take over the power supply to my flat has been rejected, so I figure I’m just going to stick with the electricity company that’s already there but I don’t know what that will require on my part.

I stayed up late waiting for an email from the estate agent but it never arrived, so there’s no new information on when I’ll be able to move in.

I bantered with one of my sisters a little when I returned back from the takeaway with my burger meal, she asked what I had and I joked it was just an empty bag. The other person to speak to me was my dad while I was sleeping, he was surprised I was still steeping at 10pm so brought food to my room. I did not wake up until around 3am.

It could be tomorrow

The last 2 shifts at work were nothing of note, the last one involved just me and my manager. I was a bit awkward, I kept referencing the fact that he had a complaint put in against him by the koreaboo but he didn’t want to discuss it or shut me down, looking back at the messages, I’m very obvious and it’s embarrassing. I wanted to gloat and ask if he’d learned a lesson about race and who his friends really are.

I haven’t done much of anything with my time off work, I’m on the 3rd day now, I’ve just done the podcast. I’ve massively over eaten. I’ve had another burger meal along with crisps and tea & biscuits.

I’ll be given a date to move into the flat tomorrow. The broadband has been sorted but I need to cancel this electricity provider and go with someone else, they’re overcharging me, they’ve increased the monthly amount since I signed up from £32 to just under £50, I feel that might be too high.

The Tomb Raider game with PS Plus this month seems alright, I’ve only spent about 30 minutes with it but I don’t have much else to do. I was actually considering getting into the series a short while ago, it feels similar to the Uncharted series.

Everything is good again

I’ve worked 2 shifts with my brand new team and I’m finding it much more enjoyable, we all do similar rates of work. I’m also carrying conversations with each of my 3 co-workers. This is perfect, I’m in a much better spot compared to the previous situation.

I also had a 1-2-1 with my new manager, we mostly just chatted for about an hour, it was a good exchange. We touched on my good workrate and him not having any suggestions for improvement for me, I mentioned how his stats were inaccurate and could be cheated. More than half the time was spent talking about film.

I’m considering buying some fake Magic the Gathering cards and using them at official events.

My diet isn’t going perfectly but it’s not in disaster territory anymore. One of the guys at work suggested I was an anthology series called “Slasher”, I started with season 3, it features a headscarf wearing Muslim, it gets good at the end.

I’ve set up my broadband and electricity in the new flat so there’s nothing more to do other than pack.