Work was better today, mostly emails, went on the phones for an hour before being told to get back on emails. Got another 5 raffle raffle tickets, the draw is being held on Monday. I messed up stamping in/out one time too many and was told to ask the head of the call centre to sign my exemption form.
I didn’t speak to anyone socially. I sat next to the trans person during late break, just the two of us watching Hollyoaks, if I couldn’t speak to them then, I’ll never be able to.
Ate cereal, a tuna baguette and 4 triple chocolate cookies.
Told my mum that I miss the person she was.
I had counselling today.
He made observations similar to people who commented here, he said that I may be transitioning because I hate my father and want to be less like him. He pointed out how I consider myself inferior to everyone but also superior because I wish demise to others, he didn’t call me a narcissist through.
About half an hour into the session, I said counselling wasn’t working, my problems are minor, I just need to get on with it and I wanted to stop. He countered by saying that he thought I had real serious problems and he wanted to consultant with a psychiatrist or something, I’m a candidate for long term psych (or something like that). I think he just said that to manipulate me.
After this we also went back to speaking about gender, again I think to appease me since he was more interested in my communication skills.
During the last 5 minutes, we spoke about religion being stupid, spineless paki women and my mother. How life would have been different if mum left dad. This was when I started crying heavily, I thought back to when I was 3 years old, it was just me and her, she worked, she was happy, we spent all day together, she was my only friend.
I cried uncontrollably like a baby, I can’t remember the last time I cried like that. I then asked to end the session.
Today was great. No fuck ups on emails, getting closer to resolving issues. But the best part of the day was that I was incredibly social at the start, I chatted a little to the DnD guy about work and to the really cool Chinese guy, he made a joke about sweating like Gary Glitter outside a MotherCare, I laughed and told him it was brilliant. Loved listening to him speak, I wonder how he can be “on” all the time?
My ex-bully is now the guy who I need to take all queries too, he’s nice sometimes but mean other times. I was to earn his respect.
I was in a bad mood from the start of the day, the clothes I ordered aren’t the right size. I’m completely lost now, I’m just going to have to return and take another punt. I say this but I’m too depressed to try.
This week I appear to be spending half the day on emails and the other half on the phone. The first half of the day, on email, I spend it being stressed out, due to limited training and all the easy queries being resolved, there’s only a limited amount of emails I can respond to. I’ve left it too long to ask for help, especially since I know I’ve massively fucked up refunding a few dozen people, that’s going to cost someone money. The worst part is that I am “the chosen one”, I’m the newest member of staff assigned to emails, several people have been impressed by my stats but I’m just a fraud, I feel like quitting, I don’t want to be around when this blows up. Might ask to be taken off emails, just say it’s too difficult.
I actually like talking to people on the phone, I can either be helpful, this raises my self-esteem plus I get a thank you at the end. Alternatively I can let out some aggression, implying customers can fuck off with their problems due to terms and conditions.
Talked a little to this quiet loner sitting next to me today, he’s one of the new people.
They were giving out baseball caps at work, they were left in the break room and free to pick up, I saw them on entry but wasn’t brave enough to collect one. At the end of the day they were all gone, people who arrived after me got caps, it hurt seeing them happily wearing them at the end of the day.
Ate cereal, tuna baguette and rice.
I’m doing 12-8 shifts this week, woke up around 8:30pm so I could play some Digimon before work. It was boiling today and I was sweating through my clothes by the time I got inside the building. I fucked up twice, pretty significant fuck ups at that, I might have covered myself by acknowledging them to customers and trying to rectify the situation but I think I’m pretty fucked, to be blunt about it, the sweet gravy train on emails is about to come to a screeching halt as they all realise I’m too incompetent to be given such freedom.
The chocolate guy sat next to me, he keeps trying to make small talk, I just can’t do it, I don’t respond, I appear rude. Think he’s part Russian, he asked if he could speak to a customer in another language, bit upset as I’d fantasised about doing the same, knowing a foreign language would make me seem interesting.
Clothes arrived today, will try them on tomorrow.
I feel nothing over the most recent “terror” attack. The victim was most likely a rapist and a bully.
Still seeing a lot of interracial couples and friend groups, pakis with white women and even east Asian women. White guys with black girls and even paki women.
When alone I can’t help but say “paki” and various expletives out loud.
My credit score has gone up.
I got up early again and played Digimon for around 8 hours. Only 5 more trophies to go before I can end this, might start Final Fantasy 15 next.
Didn’t leave the house, I ate cereal, chicken, 2 cheese sticks and around 5 chocolate digestive biscuits.
Might buy a copy of Infinity Gauntlet or Persona 5 (or some other vidya) with my Amazon voucher. Got near £600 of credit card debt this month due to laser.
I woke up at around 7:30 today, went straight downstairs and played Digimon for 5 hours, not even exaggerating. I only got off so I could shower, shave, change clothes and go out to the library. I wore my womens green hoodie and at the library I used a computer to buy some more female clothing, I bought one stripey top, one check shirt (size 14 due to height) and 2 skinny jeans, one regular and one high waist, one 26 inch waist, the other 27, possibly too tight, I know 30 is too loose.
Did some epilating, shaving doesn’t even compare to these results.
When I got home I played Digimon for another 6 hours, I’ve finished the story and the post-game stuff minus the DLC, just doing grindy stuff now for a few trophies.
I went out again after this to buy a takeaway, chicken donner and chips. A middle aged white man at the shop made conversation with me, there were some fluid exchanges but it’s the moments I didn’t know how to respond and awkwardly looked away that I’ll remember. He was a lefty, talking about tolerance with a scarfy before I arrived. The man said I looked like a student, flattering I suppose, I might not pass for female but at least I look younger than I am. I lied about being a student, claimed I’m at Manchester University, my final year, stuck to being an accounting student though.
Almost told my sister I was trans, I stood outside her room and chatted with her for a bit about nothing inparticular but couldn’t muster the courage.
I wore girl clothes outside so that’s progress.