Missing the forest for the trees

My screw-up from yesterday was nothing, I resolved it in about a minute. No consequences at all.

The real screw-ups were the ones I wasn’t even aware of, one back in June and another earlier in the month,  together I’ve cost the company around £500, my team coach had to have a chat with me, had to formalise the fact I’d been made aware of what I’d done though she was cool about it, understood I hadn’t been sufficiently trained. It altered my mood, I’m still down but I was thinking of quitting earlier as I realised how little agency I actually had, there are no plans to train me, if I need things doing, I don’t ask my manager/coach, I just have to do it in the longest and most tedious way possible. I don’t even get what the point of me doing this job is.

I feel heightened anxiety because now I don’t know how many errors to expect, every email I send is potentially an error, I just can’t see them.

I spoke to the woman sitting next to me a little, poor communication, I need to work on speaking clearly and not responding in a defensive way, it kills the conversation before it even gets started. She asked what I was doing, I just responded that I’m in talks with IT. Should’ve told her my problem.

On the way out of work, I think I looked at someone in a creepy way, I just wanted to know who was walking beside me, my peripheral vision sucks because of my hair.

I enjoy Black Sabbath.

Considering getting laser on my hands. Should’ve started months ago.

Need to buy clothes for the colder weather.

Responsibility with a handicap

Work was quiet, just me and one other guy in the department were in today, he’s the guy who sits opposite me. He made some attempts to communicate but I squandered them, they were work relates icebreakers but my responses weren’t good enough for different reasons each time, my comments reflected badly on myself or I didn’t express myself well enough and was unclear. He spoke about NETFLIX shows to the lone person in working social media today, he’s into Star Wars but I had nothing to jump in with.

I was able to keep on top of work to the best of my abilities but I’m still lacking the knowledge to perform one semi-vital action on the system, at first I was just mildly annoyed that no one taught me this but now I’m upset, I discovered the quirky guy knows how to do it, I don’t know who taught him but I feel as if I’m valued less. I’m just going to irritate my manger/coach by asking them to do stuff for me and maybe even screw up a little to drive home the point that I can’t do this thing that I was never taught to do and how do they expect me to do my job properly? It’s really making me unhappy, it makes my life more difficult but no one seems to care. Bitterness is another emotion I’m feeling, perhaps the strongest.

Messed up at the end of the day, when I was the only person in the department left, it should go undiscovered though. A guy asked me something, I needed him to repeat himself 3 times, I shouldn’t have needed that, I feel as if I hurt his feelings and insulted him. It was just one word I struggled with.

At home I saw my sister watching Strictly Come Dancing in SD, I picked up the remote next to her and switched it to HD, she was annoyed for some reason and switched it back to SD out of spite, in retaliation I pulled the TV aerial from the box, she went upstairs. At the end of the day we were on better terms, shared some laughs.

I overheard a conversation, the trans person was fired and coworkers were being mean to them. I wonder what could have been the cause of the firing if others are aware of it and assume they didn’t just quit like I did? Tragic that due to my poor social skills this mystery will forever go unsolved.

Get back on the boat

The train to work was packed, it’s only going to get worse as the year continues, might need to start taking an earlier one. There were a couple of women who triggered my dysphoria today and a paki female wearing a scarf, reading SnK motion manga. Poor taste but I didn’t know people like that were into manga, if I was interested in leading a normal life, I probably could have married her or something.

I also got into an argument with the female African attending the ticket gate, the woman in front of me wasn’t asked to show her ticket, seemed like a mate, just greated her. I walked passed her, she was pissed, I pointed out the woman in front of me didn’t show her ticket and then walked on. Puzzled as to why this rail service is hiring so many foreigners.

Didn’t talk much at work, had a fair few decent interactions with the older guy. I was on the phones, feel like I this was a mistake, how can other people be assigned to emails when I’m the one who actually passed the assessment and should be starting the new job soon.

Feeling low on energy. I should ask for antidepressants again but I can’t.

My sister was cruel to me again, the usual about me being useless, not doing anything with my life and relying on mummy forever. This continues to get me down and makes me feel like killing myself.

Not bought anything to treat myself for a while, I’ll put vidya on hold after Persona 5, it’s just not constructive, a distraction and I don’t get to play much.

Dodge, duck, ignore and hide

Sounds like I’m moving to back office tomorrow, gonna have my own PC and work on emails full-time. I had some conversation with a manager, the quirky guy and the older guy. The conversations with the older guy were mostly about work but he’s the one person here I feel most comfortable speaking too, he seems genuine.

Quirky guy is a Godzilla fan, I didn’t show off my power level when given the chance, he mentioned Destroyah twice but I didn’t weigh in on that kaiju. The manager has a nice smile, I came across like I was making jokes again but I wasn’t.

Didn’t do much at home other than play Hearthstone, I did avoid having any major arguments with my family.

Coworker on the train home, pretenders I didn’t see him when passing.

Trans person leaving the building for lunch at the same time, I went to the bathroom to get some distance between us.

My avoidance issues and anxiety are not improving and I don’t see how they ever will.

Stressing about work, feel like I made huge mistakes that I’m unaware of.

Burrrrrrrrrrrrn!

No work today, awesome. Laser today, not so great, especially since I didn’t have any clean clothes and forgot to brush my teeth and apply deodorant. Also had to run a little to get there in time so sweated. Need not have bothered since they were running behind and I had to wait around 10 minutes for my appointment. I told the technician my last appointment was good, I saw hair loss and she became quite defensive since someone stood in for her last time (IMO a far superior technician). Anyway, I’ll just hope for the best again.

Played Persona 5, just rushing the story for the Platinum. Sister eventually told me to get off, we had an argument.

My Converse arrived, they look great.

The rest of the day just seemed to disappear.

My mum told me a story, my great grandparents travelled for days to buy some fancy dinner set, over 100 pieces. Villagers apparently stole most of their stuff when they died including army medals.

Punctuality was once my greatest strength

Due to the train strikes I was late to work, there wasn’t enough space for me to get on the train but the passengers made space for some paki family with a pram, I don’t know why those cunts were so desperate to get in by 9am unless they were heading to collect their bennies. I got the tram to work, half an hour late and a damp guide dog sat under my legs for most the trip.

Work was bearable, I did emails for much of the day and had little interaction with others. The quirky guy is a bit of a fedora, really into atheist v creationist videos on YouTube and trolling the comments, I tried to tell him he was the one getting trolled and that those videos are a bit dated.

Good interaction with the little guy, he sat down next to me and asked how I was, I got up and said I didn’t mean to be rude but my break is over. There were opportunities later to build on that but I didn’t take them.

Played Persona 5 at home, finished the story, grinded for some xp and cash, the last 3 trophies don’t require much now.

Mukmar

I got to work on emails all day today, I’m still stressing over not knowing how to do certain things. I had four interactions today, I held the door open for an extended period for my former manager and another guy, felt awkward, they said “thanks”.

The next interaction was with the chatty Chinese guy, he initiated, I said the day was dragging but the conversation didn’t go anywhere from there. 

Whilst at my desk I was approached by the female who does emails, she congratulated me and asked when I start, I said sometime next week, I felt very uncomfortable for some reason, my ears were burning up and I kept staring at her larger than average nose, I must have come across as rude, I hope people understand I can’t make eye contact.

Tall guy I’ve been speaking to recently overheard and asked about my new job, I was humble, didn’t have much to say, other than guilt and worry I don’t know how to feel about this. Planning guy asked when I was starting, all I could say was next week. I like him, wish I had more to say again.

There was a notable interaction from yesterday too, a guy initiated conversation with me, he works in sales, I asked about his job, I told him about mine but there wasn’t anything else to say. I think I repulsed him when I said I take joy in customers misery and anger.

After the series of bad interactions I starting muttering to myself and making strange and sharp physical movements. This went on for about an hour until my shift ended. I’ve also got a bad habit of making odd statements when entering the bathroom at work, I just need to convince myself that the people in the cubicles don’t recognise my voice.

Binge ate at home for what seems like the 100th day straight.

“Mukmar” is just a phrase I can’t get out of my head.

Brains…. I have none

I felt like a sickly zombie at work today, there was a period when I couldn’t see properly, light flashed before my eyes repeatedly.

Saw a couple of people talking, didn’t like it, should probably just accept I’m not like them, stop putting in any effort, stop caring, maybe I can even think of them as beneath me now I have a new job. Though I’m incredibly worried about officially starting since there’s so much I don’t know.

Onto the final boss battle in Persona 5.

I had arguments with my entire family again, my brother threatened to hit me, clearly I walk alone if I ever did come out.

A small effort met with failure

I haven’t started my new job just yet, I spent half the day on emails and the other half taking calls. I’m not enjoying either, the day drags on regardless. 

I figured out why the quirky guy talks to me, it’s because we’ll be working together so it makes sense to try to get along with me and find some common ground. Once I realised this and that he always initiated conversation with me, I tried starting a conversation with him for a change but he didn’t hear me as he was listening to music, I was embarrassed but no one probably noticed. He is anti-religion but has left wing views (anti-brexit, anti-Trump)

Wrestling fan congratulated me on my promotion, had some bad interactions with him throughout the day, unnecessarily saying “thank you”.

My large plaid shirt makes me look fat, so I won’t be wearing that anymore, might go back to wearing long sleeve shirts under t-shirts.

Thought I saw a possible trans person on the train but realised they weren’t when I saw their hands.

Regret buying regular Converse, saw a paki female with the regular ones and a white female with dainty, at least I can return for free.

The right decision

Day off, spent playing Persona 5 again, I’m delaying the ending in order to grind money/exp for the platinum trophy. I did step out shortly to renew my season ticket and return some Amazon clothes in the wrong size. I had a painful exchange with the man at the ticketing desk, he was just trying to be helpful by relaying information on the strike and I was slow to understand the implications so I was aggressive, I questioned why he was telling me this.

At home my mother bought me a cake and stuck up some “congratulations” banners in order to celebrate my new job, it’s nice that she’s making an effort and trying to express love but this would have meant more to me if I was still a child. She gifted me a photo album, pics from my youth mostly, the earlier pictures made me upset, I wondered about the hopes of those around me and how I’ve disappointed them, also seeing my mother and other family when they were younger saddens me, I can only imagine they’ve experienced similar misery to myself.

The images of an older me were just repulsive, I was clearly overweight and had facial hair. Short hair in all pics was also triggering. There was one recent picture of me and it confirmed that I’m much happier with the new/real me. I should start dieting again though. No more lunch, no excuses.

Bought some Converse trainers (Chuck, All-Star, Oxford).

Dragonball Xenoverse 2 should be my next game but I won’t buy it anytime soon.