Social anxiety and failure DISCLAIMER – This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental
Today was my final day at this workplace and it played out like any other day I’d been here this year. I woke up at 10am, watched a little YouTube, forgot to brush my teeth and then showered. I wore my favourite comfy outfit and headed out the door but not before learning the electricity had gone out for the entire street so that meant I may not be able to wash my clothes for tomorrow.
I got in and sat down to the usual grind, the difference today was that I wasn’t on the phones. I worked at a good rate and said goodbye to the scarf wearing Pakistani woman and the chatty Pakistani guy, I admitted that they were among my favourite people here because of their race.
when the phone lines were shut, I mildly slacked off again and did around half the work I normally would. I also handed my fob in to the team leader on shift, she had no idea I was leaving and said that I’d be missed. The conversation quickly changed topic though and I sat down. She did wish me luck as I was leaving.
Since I didn’t have a fob, I asked the Pakistani guy from yesterday if he’d let me out the building. He agreed but then I saw another person leaving through the gate and ran towards them. Up the street, a car pulled over next to me, I thought it night be the guy I just mentioned, I crouched and waved, the window was frosted but I could see there were two people in the car, I quickly sped off.
As I waited for my bus home, a woman asked to use my phone to call someone for shelter tonight. Said I wouldn’t need to give her the phone, I could keep hold of it. It sounded like a drug deal again.
As for the big reveal? I never worked for a company called Concentrix, I never said I did, I just played the role expected when people threatened me and I played all the bullies like a harp from hell.
I booked in a 1.5 hour holiday today so that meant I didn’t need to come in until 2:30pm. I slept in much longer than I should have, it wasn’t until after 11am that I got out of bed. I went down to get breakfast and in under an hour, I found myself arguing with both of my parents. First, my father asked me to help fix his TV, it looked like the remote control was needed to switch the HDMI settings as he wanted to watch SKY.
My mother then said I didn’t need to shout. I immediately snapped back and asked why she doesn’t deal with him and pointed out that she’s happy that he’s bothering me instead of her.
At work, I was put on the phones again. I did a decent job of it, after the phone lines went off, I was responding to emails, my manager actually had to the nerve to ask me to work specific ones and to focus on replying to certain types of queries, she singled me out. Almost as if I actually had some value and was competent. It’s like Madonna said “Once you’re gone she might regret it”. For some reason I chose to continue to do a half decent job instead of completely slack. I was frustrated to see the same name dragging out interactions with customers in order to avoid doing any real work herself and increase her CPH stats, I can’t believe she keeps getting away with it, I’m glad to be leaving.
I chatted to a Pakistani guy at who sat opposite me, not spoken to him much before, it was nice, it was concerning my leaving and this being a terrible place to work.
In happier news, my new undergarments arrived, the fit isn’t great on the underwear I wore today, might get a smaller size next time. Still, it’s a wider wardrobe and that’s a good thing.
My credit card bill is looking slightly healthier than last month, if I ignore the £200 Estrogen order. It seems I’ve finally gotten my spending under control. Around £800 will go out this month but then only £400 or so is set to go out next month, I still have 15 days before the next statement date though, the target is to spend no more than £200, half of that will go on travel.
I saw a spider crawling on my bed and crushed it was my bare hands.
I like how the hills can be seen in the distance on clear days.
The day got off to a rocky start, my bus was late or rather the busses before the one I got on disappeared. I was somewhere in the region of 45 minutes late but no one seemed to mind, no one even brought up my absence from yesterday, they get it.
Some people who don’t get it, however, are HR. They’re planning on docking my final pay for excess holidays used, I did the sums and I’ve used the correct amount, it just seems I’ve exceeded them because I was given less than 28 days to start with. I’ve been at this company for over 8 months and used 18.4 days. They haven’t officially said they’ll be making any deductions but I have hinted that this will be going to an employment tribunal, if I don’t get my due. They have yet to respond to my emails. I sent 3 throughout the day.
The woman who trained me had some banter with me before saying goodbye, it will be the last time I see her, we hugged. I joked that her training helped me ace the interview, it was a pleasant exchange. The guy who I once chatted with about football, spoke to me during my lunch break, I just listed off the various positives of my new gig and why I dislike working here, to some extent. Apart from these two interactions, people left me alone. Oh, there was some chat over the work messaging app with the Pakistani guy, that’s always good. I told him that I would miss him. I gave him my PSN so we could stay in touch, didn’t work out too well with quirky guy.
Back in the mines, I was on the phones all day, there was a skeleton crew, glad to be leaving, I’d never get on a decent shift pattern at this rate. I left calls in wrap up for 10+ minutes, no one said anything, it’s expected. The reason I was being particularly difficult today is because my manager has timetabled me in for a night shift on Tuesday. Despite telling me last week that I they’re going to take me off nights for a while, I guess they suddenly decided to trust me again, eh? or rather make up for the person on holiday. More likely still, my manager knows when my new gig starts so this seems quite petty.
My bus home was late too, I was standing around in the rain for over half an hour longer than usual. Some nuisances were setting off fireworks in the streets, I was afraid to be hit by one.
At home, I heard my sister and mother having an argument/discussion about someone having drunk alcohol and another person being unaware of it. I think they might have been talking about me.
My post contained a card from the recruiter who got me the job, it’s unusual but it’s nice that someone is happy for me. When I told my family yesterday, they were more concerned that anything, when asking where I would be working, they just wanted to know for the sake of knowing, they didn’t care or even smile.
Another story from yesterday that I forgot to share, I saw a Pakistani in the town centre being arrested, he was sitting in the back of a police car for over an hour, I don’t know what the delay was. The story is he killed a woman with his car 3 days ago, was released pending an investigation and now he’s been caught driving without a licence. I feel bad for him, even though I saw an ambulance in the area.
I got another good night’s sleep, I rolled out of bed after 11am this time. I had no intention of going into work but left it until the start of my shift before texting one of the team leaders there. I’m supposed to call but I didn’t feel comfortable having this conversation on the phone.
It would have been best to call in sick but I decided to be honest instead and said that I was unable to come in today and that I made both my team leader and manger aware of this over email last week (but they ignored me), I closed by saying I’d be back in tomorrow.
An hour later, another team leader tried calling me, I ignored the call, I just don’t want to deal with this over the phone. There were a couple more calls throughout the day that I ignored too, I have no idea who they’re from since when I tried calling back, I heard a message saying the numbers were invalid. Possibly work? Possibly something to do with my new job? Possibly something even more important that I can’t see yet?
I’m not looking forward to explaining this tomorrow since I don’t think my explanation sounds good. I really should have just called in sick.
My plan for the day was to watch “Avenue Q” at the theatre with my brother until then, I unpacked some MTG cards that arrived and read the contract my new employer posted to me. My name was misspelled so I emailed them to inform them of this. I also went down to the local library to print off documents I’d need for my first day.
Back at home I petered about, not sure how much time I had left before I should set off. I set off at 5:30pm and got to the theatre an hour early, I ate a meal and sat in McDonald’s until 7:15pm when my brother arrived.
I think it might have been his first time there, I heard him laugh a few times so I hope he had a good time and a new experience. Some of the people around us were quite loud and really into it, one woman moved her hands as if conductive the show and bated her breath in anticipated for every line.
We talked a little before the show, during intermission and then quickly parted ways once it was over. Conversation didn’t come as naturally as expected, we talked a bit about football and newspapers.
I now sit on the train home, I had to wait half an hour for it.
I slept for ages and felt almost well rested when I eventually got out of bed. It was back to work today and I had a 1pm start. I ate my cereal and had an argument with my father, he wanted another SIM card and needed me to sort his cap out.
At work, I was on the phones, it didn’t bother me too much but I was exhausted with it all. I’d poured a lot of energy into this job, I’d approached it honestly but I could see now that it had all been for nought, I was back at the bottom of the totem pole and been surpassed by many who started working here after me. People who did not have good work ethic where being allowed to work from home, singled out for praise and being given bonuses. There were good people who were now stepping up to train others, I considered myself in their number at one point but I’ve fallen so far.
After an hour or two in and chatting to the recruiter over email, she told me that I shouldn’t worry, I definitely had the job secured. I followed this confirmation up with speaking to my team leader and asking how to give in my notice. He wasn’t too surprised, just said email my manager and HR. Though he did follow up by asking about my new gig, I played it down but excitedly shared the location.
My manager was sitting right next to me for the remainder of the day despite this she responded to my email instead of speaking to me directly. She asked if would like to do night shifts for the rest of the week, I declined since I had to be up early for my new job on Monday. It was a nice offer though a curious one since my night shifts had been taken away due to them not trusting me on them. It seems the likely reason for this is because the woman I did night shifts with is on holiday this week. Still a nice offer, a strange one but I appreciated it. It also made me feel less antagonistic towards the company. If I was still in that mood, I’d take the night shifts and then respond respond to as many customers as possible in a highly negative fashion.
We did have a chat later on, I just said that the new job pays a little better, the shifts are a little better and the location is a little better. I said the same to the woman who wears the headscarf too. I played down the new gig, said it was similar to the current role.
I didn’t talk much throughout the day, I worked painfully slowly since I’m still resentful over all the people working from home.
At home I ate store brand tortilla chips with sour cream and chive dip.
The below picture is of a book I’m interested in purchasing. As with all books in physical stores, I’m hesitant to purchase it due to the wear and tear around the edges from other customers handing it.
I got up after 1pm, not sure why I was so tired. The only thing that caused me to get up at that time was my cousin sending a message over Whatsapp to let me know she was at the front door. We had a nice chat, my mother was around too and then decided to go to my grandmothers to show her my cousins wedding photos. Before setting off, I had a breakfast of leftover m&ms.
I brought along my laptop since we’d be showcasing them on there. It took a while to copy them over, I chatted to my mother and auntie who was also there. My gran was happy to see me. We went through the photos and commented on them, my grandmother was too unwell to attend the festivities so I’m sure she appreciates being able to see them now.
While there, I found time to play a little Pokemon GO, I completed the Jirachi special research tasks and filled up another couple spots in my Pokedex.
At home I started off pecking away at my Toblerone from yesterday and then bought a burger meal from rival burger joint, Orlando’s. I then sat down to watch WWE, I’ve also downloaded “The Boys” and HBO series “Watchmen” for later.
Not much was done with the remainder of my day, I played a hair amount of Magic Arena but quite sick of it now. I’m going to try applying for a few more jobs in order so I have a fallback plan. Not given in my notice just yet, still waiting on email confirmation that I have the job. However, I have asked that my working hours be reduced so this way, I will at least be happier at work, if I am stuck there.
I caught up with the Kaiji manga, it’s terrible right now.
I’m considering reading books again. Fantasy novels appeal to me, the ones I read briefly in Waterstones are “Oathbringer”, the books the Witcher is based on and a Magic the Gathering one.
I got out of bed at around 10am again. I ate my cereal, showered and then researched the job I would be interviewing for, the recruiter also included some Word documents with general interview tips, it was pretty fascinating stuff. I considered myself sufficently prepared and so began ironing my suit. I don’t have a blouse etc, so presenting as female wasn’t an option.
I got the train into the city and killed some time window shopping. When I was confident I’d arrive 15 minutes early, I approached the beautiful building where I hoped to be working in the future. It was very futuristic, modern and they took security very seriously. I arrived early, as I planned, what took me by surprise however was that the man who would be interviewing me. He had a casual looks about him, down to his attire.
The office was pretty empty, we entered a room in a corner and right off the bat he said that he hated the normal style of interview and just wanted a conversation. This caught be off guard but I chilled out a bit since there wouldn’t be any questions that stumped me. On the other hand though, all the answers I prepared were thrown out the window since he didn’t set me up to spew them.
I briefly explained what I’d done at all the jobs I’d mentioned on the CV, we bonded over the fact that we both once worked at my previous call centre. He left back in 2007 though but still remembered one of the names I mentioned, my previous manager. We didn’t really build the brilliant rapport you’d expect off of this. He asked me to tell me about myself, I told him I liked “Magic the Gathering” and travelling to new places to hang out with internet friends. I specifically mentioned my trips to Lancaster and Bradford. We talked a little on the way out, he mentioned there were more people to see and he’d let me know ASAP.
My hopes weren’t high, I felt it had gone badly, to console myself I bought a KFC meal on my way back. I carried by drink in my hand and placed the box meal in my bag. I made my way back to my bedroom, undressed and killed my thoughts with YouTube videos. I also took time to call the recruiter to let her know the interview didn’t go well, she wanted me to let her know how it went, I didn’t enjoy or want to call her. I finished my meal and still felt down so I went out to hunt for some Pokemon and pick up a Toblerone from ASDA. While walking, I got a call from the recruiter, she let me know that I got the job, she was very excited and I was excited too but also surprised.
In addition to the Toblerone, I bought celebratory M&Ms, the crunchy kind. I spent the rest of the day binge eating and watching “The Apprentice” with my mother and uncle. It was nice to catch up on the show and not watch it alone.
The rest of the day was wasteful but since I’ve semi-secured a wonderful new job, I guess I can have a day off. The new gig will be night shifts, 4 days on, 4 days off, pays above minimum wage, brilliant location, comfy modern office, just gotta hope the don’t do a DBS check, the guy did ask about it and I lied. Will hold off on handing in my notice for as long as possible. The company is quite small and in a rush to hire people so I can see them not conducting one.
My legs were aching from yesterday so I found it difficult to move around. I got a great nights sleep though, woke up after 10am. I had my usual breakfast and killed time with YouTube videos.
After a spell of boredom, I went out for Coke Zero. The trip was uneventful, back home I greeted my brother who was visiting. We had little to discuss, admittedly I didn’t make much of an effort though I have invited him to watch “Avenue Q” and “WWE” with me in the coming weeks.
My aunt also visited, I spent some time with her and chatted downstairs. She and my family then left to go to TK MAXX before it closed at 4pm. I stayed at home and caught up with “The Apprentice”. When they came back, my mother showed me how she cracked the screen of the phone I gave here and I went upstairs to get back to watching YouTube videos. My body continued to ache. The most productive thing I did was buy more Estrogen and some undergarments.
My father wanted me to get him another SIM card, he needs better data coverage for work. I did as he asked and got the only one that met his requirements, X amount of data for X price.
When he got back home at 10pm, it didn’t take long before he found himself sitting at the end of my bed wanting to talk. I explained that he didn’t want to talk, what he wan’t was for me to do things for him. The topic shifted to my work, apprenticeships and me getting a new job. He had half-suggestions and I made him aware that he was unable to help as he knows nothing about finding work, especially the type of job he wants me to have. He then moved to putting me down about my hair, the usual track about how people are laughing at me and that it’s embarrassing. The conversation then took a deep turn, he asked when I was going to start living my life, he compared me to other people, noting how they had all changed, ignoring my own metamorphosis. We circled back around to money, my interview tomorrow and he shared his outgoings with me.
Roughly it was £100 on gas, £100 on Electricity, my sister pays Water (the smallest bill), £130 on Council Tax, £50 on insurance for himself, mother and sister, £500 on food. There may be something I’m forgetting as he totalled it to a little over £1000.
In my defence, the gas fireplace is downstairs so I don’t use it, the bill is likely so high partly because my mother sometimes just leaves the hobs on to warm up the kitchen. I don’t understand the absurdly high food bill, I buy my own cereal, buy lunch at work and occasionally will have what my mother cooks at home for dinner.
My payment of the broadband is likely as much/a larger contribution than what my sister makes.
One details I missed during the entire chat with my father was how I violently slapped my head repeatedly as he had previously done when frustrated with me. He was initially concerned but mostly showed amusement and confusion. I was genuinely hurting myself but he either didn’t care or didn’t know how to show it. He did outright say he loved me before leaving and other times during the day, he says it but again, I don’t know if he really means it as he doesn’t know how to properly express it.
I got up at around 9am and started the day off positively because I got a sufficient amount of sleep. I showered, ate a bit of Weetabix and then tired to decide on an outfit for the day, I settled on one of the new jeans I bought, they’re made of a soft material and are a black/navy colour. I paired it with my super uncomfortable white trainers and a new Hollister stripey t-shirt.
I doused myself with Vanilla body spray and also my Katy Perry perfume. I wore the same accessories as the last time I met a guy, rose necklace and watch. Went for the same colour of lip gloss and used my brow pencil to fill in my brows. I was ready, only problem was that I had missed the train I planned to get, I let my friend know and we decided he’d travel from the station he’s arriving at to mine.
I waited for my train, it was delayed and I felt people were staring at me. I had to stand on my way there, I learned over text that my friend had to do the same, my journey was 20 minutes but his was 2 hours. When I got to the station, I went to the entrance and waited to be found, it was quite amazing how we could spot each other from so far away, we just instinctively knew who the other was from their clothing, build and what little facial details could be made out from that distance.
It was close to 1pm, we decided to eat first, I boasted the numerous resteraunts there were in Manchester and in such close proximity to our current location. KFC, Taco Bell, Burger King, Bar Burrito, the list goes on. My friend had his heart set on Weatherspoons though, it’s his favourite place to eat, I don’t understand it, the food there doesn’t feel unique enough compared to the other places I mentioned but I respect his beliefs.
We first visited the Spoons from the Manchester meetup but it was packed, no free tables. On the way I pointed out the homeless problem in the city. We then found another one, it was on the other side of the Arndale centre, this one was much nicer, it had multiple floors and looked like it used to be a theatre. We found a booth on the top floor near the balcony, it was a marvellous view. I went with a chicken burger meal, the drink was a canned cappuccino, he got a pizza, chips and tea. The tea came with unlimited refills.
We talked, it was easy, I’m not so relaxed and open with people in my day to day life, it felt so natural speaking to him, I feel he felt the same way, at time at least. This must be what it’s like having friends.
It was about 2:30pm now and headed to Manchester Museum, it was along way away about half an hour. On the way we saw China Town and the Manchester Art Gallery, we popped inside for a quick browse, we only checked out a few galleries since we were short on time, the Museum closed at 4pm and there was surely lots to see. We got a little lost on the way but we got there eventually. We were greeted by a t-rex skeleton, it was smaller than I expected, we then viewed the various fossils. For some reason I thought there were 5 floors but there were only 3, the next one had models of various non-extinct animals. I wasn’t too interested in this, I don’t even know how this belonged in a museum, it was nice to see models of obscure animals like ant eaters and armadillos. The floor above had pretty much nothing. It was massively disappointing, we agreed that more time should have been spent in the art gallery.
It wasn’t 5pm yet, we walked back to the central area, Picadilly Gardens, and went to a shopping building(?) that has interested me for a long time. A place called “Affleks”, it’s 4 floors of various shops that are spread out like a market place, you need to pass through some to find the ones behind. The stuff sold here was tat but sold at high prices, I didn’t like the look of the people here either, very hipster-ish. Another disappointment but I’m glad I experienced it with my friend.
We then went into the Arndale shopping centre, we had a quick look around and specifically visited CEX along with Waterstones, we checked out the books on languages as he’s trying to learn Welsh. There was a nice store, Kenji, that I wanted to visit, it had lots of cute little Japanese products. I ended up buying a backpack, it’s square shaped and small, I had my friend model it for me so I could see how it looked. I did spend a lot of time deliberating which one I wanted as the styles were similar.
After this we got some soft drinks (Coke Zero and Coke Zeor Cherry) and sat by the fountain. Our feet were aching, we’d walked over 10km. We didn’t talk much at this point but the stuff we did discuss was quite real, topics such as relationships and the future.
When we felt better, we went to the Casino. I had no cash so he lent me £10. We waited about 10 minutes for space at the Blackjack table, I did well, ended about £3 up, I think he was down though, at my urging, we then tried 3 card poker. I did extremely well here, I turned my initial £20 into £48. My friend on the other hand was down to £11 and he’d sunk in another £20 on top of the £50 he started with.
At this point, I wanted to leave and offered all of my winnings to my friend. He took the £20 but declined the rest. With the additional fund he marched to the roulette table and made bold wagers. His horse game in, he won a 1/8 bet and was in profit. Roughly £15. There was a hitch though, an older white man, he stood out because almost everyone else here was Chinese, claimed that it was his bet that had one. CCTV was checked and my friend was rightfully awarded his winnings. Before leaving though he decided to lose £5 at the Blackjack table and I £3 on Roulette. He ended with £10 in winnings and I walked out £25 richer. I was concerned about the Pakistanis I was leaving behind at the casino, I hope they’re OK.
It was about 6:30pm, his train left at 7:30pm so we had more time together. I wanted to go clothes shopping so we went into Primark, we browsed both the womens and mens clothing sections. I bought a jumper and a skirt. The queue was lengthy and held up by some Chinese people having their payment refused, or something like that. My friend was very worried about missing his train, I reassured him that it would be fine, we went to the station and I saw him off.
I hobbled back to my station, my feet were killing me, then after getting on and off the train, hobbled from the station to my home. Once there I watched some YouTube videos and ate rice.
The Previous Day
I missed my Friday entry as I was exhausted so here it is. I woke up at 6am, went to work, spent all day on the phones, was lax with the rules so that everything could be sorted out in the smoothest possible way, then went to play Friday Night Magic.
Before visiting the card game store, I went into a book store and had a browse through Mindfulness books, I quickly decided it was too complicated for me. I took a look at personal development too, there was an interesting one about body language.
When I tried going to the bathroom, a black man look at me and said “Are you sure you’re in the right bathroom?”, I turned around and left.
This Friday, I chose to play Standard instead of Modern, big mistake, the store that plays this format is bigger but it’s full of autists, tryhards and trans people. They’re there to win and play the best decks, they don’t talk much (at all), it’s boring and lifeless, it doesn’t have the friendly atmosphere of the other store. I lost my first 3 games and the last one was against a little kid. I let him win but the judge put it down as a win for me. I had fun in the third match I played, both of us were on no wins and 2 losses, he was playing a non-meta casual budget deck, we had laughs. The kid also had better conversational skills than the first two autists I played.
I got less than 6 hours of sleep and at work I’ve run out of mobile internet so my commute was worse than usual. At work, I sat with the temps, I learned some new names and generally felt warmth that I don’t get around the old faces, these people seem happier and are living life in a more “free” way, I want to ask which agency they’re with but haven’t found the moment.
I was in a good mood until one of the trainers, not the main one, was very short with me, I made a mistake and she was aggressive and condescending. I got the feeling that other people in the area also felt sorry for me. I really don’t like this person. She has an elevated position here, so she’ll be effected when the cards come tumbling down.
Didn’t get any positive feedback from customers during this time either.
My mood remarkably picked up after lunch when I was put on the phones, I liked talking to people who were mostly friendly, I liked putting on a mask and being just a nice person on the other end of the phone who wanted to help them.
At home, I ate two bowls of rice, messed around with my deck a little for FNM tomorrow. I had to buy my own yoghurt though, on the way, I saw a car with its windows smashed in. The Cash & Carry had highs and lows, I was disappointed to hear the cashier tell me to take a bag instead of giving me one, it was nice that it was free though but ultimately I left it since I couldn’t open/split the bag to put my items inside.
Shortly after getting back in, the neighbour knocked, turns out it was their families car. She asked about the CCTV camera we have installed, I was defensive before she revealed her reason for wanting to know. I said my sister would knock on with more info later. I recounted the story to my mother who let me know that my sister was on holiday with her friends.
The neighbour told me this was a very crime ridden area and she was trying to sell her home. Not sure she can hold that opinion when the son she lives with is an alleged drugs dealer, nice guy though.
For the next few hours I got comfy, watched YouTube and drank Coke Zero while also playing Magic Arena, I’m Platinum rank right now.
I’m out of Estrogen, didn’t realise my stores were close to coming up bare, this is not good, I’m going to be without any sex hormones in my body for a while, my drugs ship from Vanuatu.
Human Garbage 