The vidya drug

Just like every other weekend of late, I over ate, had 4 cans of Coke Zero, played a little Hearthstone and spent all day in the living room front of the fireplace with the TV on in the background, window shopping on my tablet.

The only variation is that I played a lot of Final Fantasy 12, I’ve gotten into it now. A “friend” I added from my favourite Mongolian finger painting forum is also playing, should be something to bond over but it won’t.

I need to do my washing.

I haven’t bought anything in a while and probably won’t for a long time, I’ve read none of the manga I bought or touched the Switch more than once. There’s nothing I want and I’m slowly understanding that spending money does not create happiness for me or even others. 

Also need to do some grooming, been a while since I last epilated my full body.

Only one of my sisters is hostile to me. We’re going to watch the latest Pokémon film together tomorrow hopefully.

Mildly disappointed Manchester City didn’t win today but at least they’re still undefeated.

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Time changes people

A few hours were spent playing Final Fantasy 12, I turned it off and picked it back up a few times during the day but I’m enjoying it. Hard to believe I disliked it back in 2007. Must have been too immature for it. Should perhaps try again a few other things I used to hate though I still can’t drink coffee.

I’m still having problems with my eating habits but I burned a few calories when I went out twice, once to discover the local library was shut and the next to ASDA to get some peppers for my mother so she could cook fajitas. I also bought a box of 30 Coke Zero cans, they were heavy, I keep underestimating how much my muscles have atrophied.

Didn’t watch anything other than “The Price is Right” with my mum. Sisters are now tolerating me and best. I think my cousin could tell I was wearing female clothing today, gave me a disgusted look (skinny jeans and plaid shirt).

I was having some issues setting up my new savings account, called customer service and was embarrassed to learn the issue was that I entered my phone number incorrectly. I showed my gratitude to the agent.

No plans for the future, I’ll think about it more once we’re officially in the new year. First time in 3 years that I won’t be on bail.

Fantasised about using the word “weeb” at work a few times.

Day 1 of 365

The morning was magical, snow covered the streets and it was stills falling down heavily. I traversed to the designated meet up point my case worker outlined in the letter sent. It took 20-30 minutes, some kind of manufacturing site, I suspected this meant unpaid work.

The unit was locked, no one in sight so I called the probation office and they advised me that it’s unit 20 I should report to, not unit 2. Short walk, hit the intercom and I’m slightly dryer and warmer. The woman on reception offers comfort by suggesting I make a brew and asks about my journey. The other individuals waiting for then appointments (3 of them) were clearly subhumans who I have no reservation about claiming superiority over. All white too, interesting since this is a 20% paki town and I’m inclined to believe pakis are more crime prone than whites. Though it’s possible that pakis commit the type of crimes that warrant jail sentences.

I was called in a little early. My case worker looked as I’d expect, older male, slightly overweight, not to different to my counsellor. However, his demeanour starkly contrasted, a take no crap kinda guy. He asked quite a few questikjns in order to understand me and my needs. Also my alleged crimes. He complimented me on having self awareness and admitting to being an attention seeker. Where we got stuck was where he could help me. I’m definitely not doing any unpaid work, that’s set in stone so I could just meet up with him every week but he says he has tonnes of options available but needs my assistance to choose the correct one. There are a couple of courses and possibly counselling.

Talked about my family again, stopped even trying to make eye contact, chatted about my social anxiety too. He suggested I apologise to my family in an attempt to repair our relationship. I agreed that it was a good idea and then asked to leave since I need to get to work. Some fun exchanges about prison, he told me I wouldn’t like it and to stop romanticising it, people get raped in the middle of the night and it’s no fun for a young drugs free boy – I replied I’m 26. 

I liked how familiar he was with me. He said “you haven’t shut up since you got here” when I said I had difficulty talking to people.

Work was nothing, I ate 4 triple chocolate chip biscuits for lunch and I got to speak to a new person when they asked me for help. Once all the people on the early shift left, I interacted a bit with the remainers. Weak stuff but I discovered one of them also works in a bar, good interaction there.I failed to jumpo in on a UFC discussion.

Got a reminder that there’s a work group chat that I’m not a part of. Seems to include pretty much everyone.

Glad to have 3 days off now. Need to recharge. I’ll probably play Final Fantasy 12 and watch some football, basketball and UFC.

My family initially took the apology well but then turned when I wouldn’t address the matter of my mums deteriorated relationship with my sister. Nothing has improved. I’ve asked my mum to forget about me and just appease them for the greater good.

Getting groggier

My fatigue is still present, 11 hours of sleep and I was still yawning 2 hours later at work. One of the new females on the team is hitting some high stats, I’m still beating her but it takes slight effort. It’s completely pointless but if I’m not answering the most emails then I lose one of the only things I actually take pride in myself for.

Had a little interaction with guy sitting opposite me and ex-bully now on social media team. Gave my opinions on Black Mirror, said 4/6 episodes were good, last one sucked and that I called the twist in S3E3 quickly, got excited and repeated myself like a paki. Expressed some culture by being aware of a film the others weren’t (Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood).

Community payback thing tomorrow, not sure what to expect.

My mum seemed upset but wouldn’t say what was troubling her.

While I was out, my uncle came over and fixed our TV aerial.

Eating poorly and playing Candy Crush on the train.

Still can’t wake up

Again I went through the day exhausted despite taking in over 11 hours of sleep. Getting out of bed was a physical challenge. My father insisted on driving me to work despite the trains now operating as usual, I didn’t have the strength to argue so I accepted his offer. On the way in, I noticed several shops were the signs and advertisements were entirely in Chinese, more nerve than even the pakis, it’s shocking but still somehow less offensive.

During work hours I called the probation office, my caseworker comes across as a cunt, he required me to meet him this week despite me having work obligations. Pushed it to Friday morning. I also arranged a GP appointment in 2 weeks time.

The tall guy still greets me at work, we sit together during breaks and lunch, not saying much as no one takes the initiative to find common ground. It’s difficult and I’m lacking energy right now.

The two people I sit next to started talking about kids and relationships, I left my desk but when I returned they turned on me, I just said I’ve no interest in having kids and that I’m the oldest child. It was an invitation to engage but I didn’t have any more to say. The only other interaction was when I made a remark about smoking being bad.

Massively overate, it’s like a competition, I eat more every day.

Round and round the moodswings go

Getting out of bed was difficult as 10 hours of sleep wasn’t enough, I chose to skip showering in order to get an extra 30 minutes. My dad drove me into work and picked me up since the trains weren’t running, it was a pleasant drive. At work I was unfocused despite working a reduced number of hours. Not much talking.

Whilst writing this post, I spaced out for 10 minutes imagining going on a rant at my manager. Hopefully we’ll have another one to one before he leaves so I can actually give him a piece of my mind.

My youngest sisters hate me again since my dad bought me a takeaway (he gave them each £5 when they complained, they weren’t bought food since they were already eating meals). My sister wished me dead. The oldest of my sisters seems to be on good terms with me again.

Considering dropping all my money into a fixed rate 1 year savings account. It’s free money. Struggling to set it up though since the ones with the best rates are not proper banks.

Watched Little Mermaid and the soaps.

Yesterday I went to my grandmothers house to give my uncle an Xmas gift, a spare Youview+ box. Also spent an hour downstairs with my gran watching Coronation Street. Still feels better to give gifts rather than buy myself crap.

Just like any other day really

The day started of fine as me and my mother were the first to wake, she gave me my present first, it was a £2.50 large plastic cup with straw attachment from B&M bargains. I then went upstairs to get her gift, a Kindle Paperwhite. Nothing much of note of Kindle Unlimited, very disappointing but managed to find a few books for her for the time being. I’m actually happy with the cup, with the amount of Coke Zero I drink, the straw will help me protect my teeth.

I didn’t see my dad all day, so I was right to give him his gift yesterday. When the family was gathered and after I’d binged on cereal and crisps, we had a Christmas dinner, roasted chicken, potatos, carrots, parsnips, broccoli, gravy and fish sauce or something. It was OK, chicken was too dry though.

Watched Mr Beans Holiday, The Santa Claus Movie, Cinderella (2015), Doctor Who and the soaps. I thought Doctor Who was entertaining and the ending of EastEnders was impactful, guy tried to commit suicide, his two daughters saved him but died themselves. It’s upsetting but mostly emotionally confusing.

Played Pokemon and Hearthstone, completed Dungeon Run, it’s fun.

Not talking to my sisters again and they appear to be annoyed by my presence, they’re also actively ignoring me.