2 days worth of meals in 1

I overate, must have been 3000 calories, maybe more, mostly chocolates and crisps. The rest of my day was spent watching football, playing Monster Hunter (the controls are clunky), posting on 4chan and then later in the day, watching films, I consider that productive. Watched “The Disaster Artist”.

While most of the day was spent at home, I ventured outside for a couple of hours for my laser session. It was quick one, different technician, not as good as my usual one, she made more chit chat and because of her speed I’m going to assume she did a less than thorough job. It doesn’t really matter though since hair on my face is 99% gone.

My credit card bill next month is going to be a big one so I’m putting a stop to the spending now. However, I do have my eyes on tickets for Harry Potter at the West End and Manchester City tickets.

Countdown to the grave

At work I was surprised to learn that half the team had been trained on the new system, I don’t know when this happened, why or how. Later in the day we were told to get trained on the new system by speaking to one of the people who have been trained. It’s a simple system but not as polished as the old one. Myself and the others who were newly trained were given easier tasks. One person, a former enemy was given a special assignment, I think Stacy might be working complaints now. I can bare it since I’m leaving soon but in the meantime I’ve just slowed my workrate.

The call centre head sent out an email telling us to remove our surnames on the new system. I responded, reply ALL, asking if that meant we had spent the day sending customers our full names. My manager replied to me only saying that we had. I then forwarded the email to everyone. I’m not too upset but I know they’re in the wrong so I’ll push it as much as I can. There wasn’t even an apology. I sent out another email later in the day, a comedic one, just to my co-workers, telling them about the easier emails in the queue that the quirky guy and androgynous guy were taking for themselves. Got a couple of replies, like real world (you)s, loved getting a bit of attention.

Home was grim, I spent over 4 hours just sitting on my bed posting in the same two generals and reading the posts there. Apart from eating, I did nothing else.

I wish there was more to my day but that was all. I’m getting pasta for lunch, less than 400 calories, I’m not speaking to new people but I have no problem with short interactions when they arise.

It’s my fault, not yours

I didn’t enjoy work. I’m not intimidated in the slightest when talking to others now, though I haven’t taken a shot at anyone new. This isn’t a good thing though, I was rude each time I spoke to the quirky guy, he just mentioned twitter, I cut in and told him he was terrible troll and that most of the time he was the one getting trolled. The second time, when leaving, I said that his stories were crap, he has a lot of them and they are 50/50 in terms of quality but I massively enjoy hearing him speak, I don’t know why I said what I said, it was completely uncalled for and only served to hurt the feelings of someone who I generally like.

After work I was planning on partaking in an activity, my sister initially accepted the offer but then later declined, she lied about being busy. My mum accepted, it wasn’t really her type of thing but it would be an experience and something to do on a night where we had no other plans. We were initially in high spirits but there were delays getting to our destination, partially caused by my mother. When we reached the location, my mother was unable to proceed due to health reasons, we then just left, it was somewhat embarrassing having to retrace our steps, my mother was obviously ashamed, I was mildly disappointed and I hate to admit it but a little resentful. My mum feels awful, she shouldn’t, it’s not her fault she’s in poor health, I told her as much. I also told her I wasn’t really looking forward to it, it was just something to do. Even now, she’s still down about it and can’t stop thinking about how she “let me down”.

Normies at work all went out together because it was payday and the sun was out. One guy came around to my desk and invited people, not me, naturally. I wouldn’t piss on any of these cunts even if they were on fire, their joy is displeasing me more than usual. I still would have liked to have been asked.

Might not go into work tomorrow and cite depression as the reason, I am feeling down.

Homophobes and arses

After the talk with my case worker yesterday, I felt much more confident at work, there was no one new to test my new skills out on but I felt far more at ease during my interactions with the quirky guy, apart from when he suggested a co-worker was attractive, I replied that she wore too much makeup, the conversation ended with him saying “I meant for you”, I just didn’t reply at all, that was uncomfortable since talk of sexual matters were alien to me. I brought up that I tried listening to Slayer and he responded by giving me another “homework assignment”, guess I am coming off a bit desperate for his approval.

He shared something interesting, yesterday, the Polish female asked if he was in a relationship with the gay androgynous guy. Quirky guy thought that was funny and passed along the message to the androgynous gay guy and he was offended, he went up to a more high profile gay guy in the office and ended up putting in an official complaint. I don’t think it’ll go anywhere, it’s obviously an innocent observation. A less innocent one would be where she said she wouldn’t sleep with a bisexual guy since he might have AIDS. She’s on holiday in Poland for 2 weeks, so no resolution here soon.

I took 2 hours of overtime and double pay, so £32.00 in the kitty and possibly towards that wrestling ticket I had my eye on. I’d have to do another 5 hours at double time to completely cover it though. Seems quite significant when the numbers are laid out. With 10 hours of my day dedicated to working, I had less time to squander once I got home, it’s for the best, at least I’m now being forced to be productive even if my ultimate goal is just a ticket for a show several months that I’m not even really that interested in.

There were no notable observations on my travels apart from the clothing people are wearing. I’m jealous I can’t dress the same but I’m mostly trapped within my own mind so it doesn’t get me down too much.

The androgynous guy apparently said that I had a nice ass and he was jealous.

My new chapter is so close, I see it, feel it but I know not where it is

I marched for 30 minutes or so towards the north part of town, I’d never been around here before, it was outside the town centre and looked like a clean and pleasant area, white people were more common here but there was still an extravagant mosque and various paki shops. Ahead of schedule, I sat down at a bench at a bus stop for a few minute so I wouldn’t arrive to early at the mens coffee morning.

Once I arrived at the building, I saw a young woman performing either cleaning or construction work, not entirely sure, this place does a lot of volunteer stuff to help people gain skills. Inside the building, I saw a paki male in a suit laying plaster onto the floor and female paki receptionist. I told her I was here for the coffee morning, she had no idea what I was talking about, seemed rude, didn’t smile, she then asked if I was here for “Neil” or something to do with a group relating to ageing. Tried calling my volunteer mentor but no answer. I left. I think this place is just some front for a scam, they’re being funded by the local council.

Less than an hour later I was at the probation office, just my case worker this time, we had a good talk, I was reminded again that I don’t need to light the world on fire with every conversation, that conversations are just filler/background noise for most people and I need to stop overthinking my responses. I’ve heard this before but it’s different coming from a real person. She also told me I was intelligent and well mannered. Next appointment is in a month, unless I want to see her sooner, she doesn’t feel I need to come in regularly, I’m not a bad person. She said I don’t need to join a club since I’m clearly uncomfortable with the idea.

At home I had 10 hours of the day remaining, I chose to use them posting on 4chan, playing Hearthstone, watching football and listening to around 5 minutes of Slayer before concluding they suck. Cleaned my bedroom, put my clothes in the washing machine and changed my bedding, that was as close to productive as I was unless you count the mischief I got up to, Art of War’d my enemy.

My credit card bill should only come to £400 again at most but I’m still going to take an double overtime for 9 hours this week, maybe more, and not do any work during this time since I’ve already gone over target without minimal thanks up until this point, the biggest kick in the teeth was my enemy getting that gift card even though he cheats. I’ll be picking up £150+ as compensation, could push it far higher, depends on how much free time I’ prepared to sacrifice.

My new job still isn’t set in stone but it has to come closer to clearing this month, I plan on leaving at the end of it,

Birthday present to myself

I spoke to the quirky guy at work often today, I was was feeling confident enough to even bring in the guy who sits next to me into the conversations. I said some strange stuff like I thought Channing Tatum wouldn’t be a bad choice to play Gambit since he’s white. My manager assigned me old emails just like everyone else, bit put out by that and I put in minimal effort in response. Might take up offers of overtime and do nothing for three hours in exchange for around £50.00, it’ll come close to covering the WWE tickets I bought last night, I’m planning on going with my brother, they’re not the absolute best seats but it’ll be an important experience since we’ve both been watching wrestling for over 10 years but never attending a live show.

I didn’t like hearing about how “feminine” the androgynous gay guy is, partially because I don’t like him and don’t want to hear anything positive about him. I want to start talking to more people at work, it seems like the Polish female is left out of conversation, I feel bad for her.

Lunch was skipped since I forgot to bring my wallet. At home I watched the football and discovered that South Park episodes are not rewatchable in the slightest.

Tomorrow I’ll be going to the mens coffee morning, I have done no preparation for it and haven’t really thought about it.

The wrong side of 25

Today was my birthday. Work went by mostly fine, there were minor levels of social interaction, I had a cold so felt detached and didn’t try much, parts of the day felt like a blur with me often running to the bathroom for more tissue. I caught some of the England vs Panama game, I’m not enjoying Harry Kanes prominence. I was pleased to see Poland humiliated and eliminated from the World Cup later in the day though.

Saw a horde of paki youths, not sure how old exactly but probably around the 18 mark, clones of each other, loud and obnoxious like all of them. Felt sick to my core.

At home my mum made me some birthday food and made conversation with me, she later gave me my presents, mostly clothes. Got a hair-dryer and water bottle too. One of my sisters have me presents too, a nice hoodie and socks. My other two sisters were as cruel as always and ignored my existence for the most part.

I’m unhappy about being a year old and closer to 30, just reminds me of the life I’ve wasted and that from now on I’ll have less opportunity for happiness than I did the day before. I need to sort myself out ASAP, maybe before my next birthday, that’s a reasonable target. The minimalist birthday celebration was still too much for my liking, I’d rather the day passed without any fanfare.

A deserved enemy

At work I caught the androgynous guy closing my emails to bump his stats without doing any work himself. I then proceeded to send an email out to everyone in the team including managers telling them to leave my emails along if I am physically present and included a “TL” where I was much more blunt about what he was doing though I didn’t name names.

During lunch I watched the Belgium vs Tunisia football game, the score was 4-1, a guy my age sat down next to me, he’s good friends with the quirky guy, he said “it was 2-1 last time, what happened”. I didn’t know what to say in response, no ideas at all came to mind so I said nothing. He left within a minute.

The only other social interaction was at the end of the day was with a newer person, he’s nice and capable. We talked about work.

Probably overate at home, a jacket potato with tuna & coleslaw, then 3 slices of pizza.

Read DragonBall for half an hour and played Monster Hunter for a short while too.

Goodbye, such a difficult word

I was assigned a different task to everyone else again today, while the others were assigned emails, I was just given a queue to work on and responded to over 100 emails. Funny how unlike others, I work hard even when there isn’t a reward on offer. Quirky guy interacted with me out of pity again, he asked when I was going on lunch – I said 2pm since that’s when the football  was on. He then left. I checked and realised the football started at 1pm and then got up for lunch too. I’m not sure why people have asked about my lunch plans this week, could they possibly have wanted to hang out with me for a bit? I doubt it, just making conversation.

Quirky still surprised that I’m into football, I let him know that I just follow it. My lunch was messy, small Mexican wrap things, stained my clothes and looked like a child who lacked full control of their hands.

A couple of people said “goodbye” to me when they were leaving. I waved to one and mumbled at the other. Hate myself for not being more expressive and showing my appreciation.

On the train home there were some loud obnoxious pakis, probably students, they behaved and sounded like naughty high school kids on the school bus. Looks like common trash too, the animal tried pushing in front of me when getting off the train, there were so many of them that when I caught onto what was happening, I fought back.

At home I posted on 4chan, watched some old South Park and the football, please to see Serbia lose.

Mum bought me a cheese pasta.

I’m still trash

Nothing accomplished. Shocker. I finished South Park, I know that doesn’t count, I didn’t feel anything from completing the game. Started Monster Hunter.

I bought a “Cityzens” membership. It gets me onto the waiting list for a Manchester City season ticket. More money wasted, at least I’m spending less than half my income every month now.

I watched The Hitmans Bodyguard and Downsizing in the background. Both sucked.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me. The only times I got off my bed were to get food. It’s not just that there are things that I want to do, there are things I need to do like reschedule my cancelled dentist appointment and figure out my route to the mens coffee morning.