Diet: Day 0.75

I woke up at around 11am, after eating I found that the bathroom was occupied so I was unable to shower before leaving the house. On the way to the probation office, I played Pokemon GO, the Halloween event is coming to an end and I’ve caught pretty much everything special on offer. When I reached the destination I stated my name and the name of my case worker to the friendly female receptionist, she was slightly puzzled though as my case worker hadn’t arrived yet. I sat in the waiting room for a while, I heard the receptionist take a call from a paki who could allegedly not attend his appointment today due to a “chest infection”. Eventually another woman appeared, she said that my appointment was actually at 3pm. Not bothered, slightly embarrassed but just walked on back home.

I watched Raw ans binge ate again until it was time to start preparing to depart again, I showered, brushed my hair and started up Pokemon GO again. Once in the office for the second time that day, I had to wait again for a short period before my case worker greeted me with a fair amount of warmth. I brought up my employment status, my case worker was interested but had to check off a couple of other topics so he asked about my home life and to reflect on my offending. He praised how my confidence has shot up and how I’m not easily able to make eye contact, I explained this change by crediting my last couple of months in employment but now that I think about it more, it’s because people at work seemed to like me and that made me like myself, which boosted my self-esteem/confidence.

To my surprise, my case worker offered a solution to my issue, he stated he could arrange for me to speak to a careers advisor. This woman only meets people 4 times a week and has a 100% record of getting offenders back into work, though the word “placement” was used and the example he provided was getting a bricklaying gig for a guy who just finished up an 18 month stint for armed robbery. Sounds mildly promising, it’s something, nice to see someone is trying to help me.

One other thing that was mentioned was that he could vouch me by stating that I was unlikely to re-offend if it would help me get that 22k job but I said it was a lost cause.

At base, I received an email advising me that an application I completed had been received and to contact them over the phone during office hours. A strange form of recruiting that I’m not familiar with but I know the employees of this store are mostly white so it can’t be that bad.

When night rolled around, I went downstairs and watched soaps plus “The Great British Bake Off” finals with my mother and a cousin who was visiting. The final was contested by a male paki, a female paki and a Pole-chink female who is married to a paki. The male paki won. Clearly fixed.

Still watching YouTube videos, currently enjoying an ex-professor talk about Magic: The Gathering.

https://www.youtube.com/user/tolariancommunity/videos

Diet: Day 0.5

I got a couple of rejection emails today, didn’t get a night shift hotel receptionist position or retail manager (part-time). Pretty disappointed about those and I feel like too much time has elapsed for me to count on older applications getting back to me. The worst part though is the xmas temp retail gig I interviewed for last month was supposed to get back to me today but I’ve heard nothing, I thought it was a certainty I’d secured the role so this is baffling, I can only conclude that the store manager himself begun interviewing people and disqualified me as he had not met me personally. Alternatively, could just be delayed.

Since I got a tonne of free money I chose to splash out on “Yu-Gi-Oh: Legacy of the Duelist” for the PS4 after watching a YouTuber play it, I was entertained for around half an hour.

My mother bought me McDonalds again and once again I told her to stop. buying me food. Diet will just have to be delayed again.

My first appointment with my case worker in over a month is tomorrow, I’m sure he’ll be disappointed to learn about my current employment situation but that won’t stop our chat from lasting more than 5 minutes.

Need to stop watching YouTube, it’s worse than vidya, not engaging at all, it does nothing more than offer quick stimulation or pacification.

I watched a couple of films, “BlacKkKlansman” and “Sorry to Bother You”. Both were entertaining though only the second struck a chord with me, the main character being a black person working in a call centre who was able to thrive due to their innate whiteness is obviously a very familiar story for me.

Diet: Day 0

I took a look at some pictures of myself from my London trip, it’s clear that I’ve put on weight (got a slight tummy) and I need to sort out my hair. It’s shoulder length but too wavy/curly/frizzy (too much volume), it looks a mess as it falls in front of my shoulders. I could do a pony tail but it’s a bit boring, my main aim is to show off more of my face but also cover my ears. Getting a shorter haircut seems like the only answer.

Spent the day watching YouTube videos and playing MTG: Arena again. It finally clicked that I’m doing this to numb my mind, to stop myself from thinking or feeling. Not sure how to break out of the cycle, I know what I want/need though, that’s getting a job (which gets me a purpose) and making friends. I should hear tomorrow if I got that temp gig, still holding out hope that I’ll hear back from the full-time jobs I applied to as I can already imagine myself in those roles.

Checked my bank account for the first time in a while, noted that paki infested call centre deposited over £800. That’s almost a full months worth of pay, I guess they didn’t get the memo that I quit, just shows how much of a mess that place was, would be cool if I got a bit of cash next month too. Doesn’t really mean much to me, money is meaningless, I’d rather work for free than get paid not to work at all.

Goosebumps aired on television, I watched it with my mother, it was a thoroughly disappointing watch.

Fatter and fatter

I overate again, had cereal, 3 triangles of Toblerone,  doughnuts and pasta. I’ve decided that I’ll attempt to make this a turning point again and attempt to starve myself skinny.

My mum tried to get me to cut my hair again by suggesting my sister take me to the hairdressers, I decline, mostly because I wanted to sleep. I think I might take her up on the offer eventually, I do want it shorter (still past the ears) and I want to be able to keep a fringe. I’ve also been looking into eyebrow threading.

For most of the day it was just me and my mother at home since my sisters went on a trip to Blackpool with my brother and his friend. I didn’t talk to my mother much but I did spend some time downstairs with her watching TV and playing Hearthstone on my laptop (played arena for the first time in months).

Just before 6pm, I went outside to Argos to collect my jeans, they’re womens jeans and in a different style to other jeans I own. The white male grunt at the desk was unable to find my order due to the format my reference number came in. A Polish woman with partially purple hair who appeared to be slightly higher in rank due to wearing a black Argos branded fleece was also unable to assist. The paki male manager wearing a white shirt just hovered around and looked at me funny. The white grunt eventually just asked for my name and manually located me package, before handing it over, he didn’t ask for any ID which was concerning but it at least explains his positions, nevertheless I am no less sickened by the placement of the Pole and paki above him.

Someone on /r9k/ linked me to videos of a non-passing tranny on YouTube who gets close to a million views on some videos. Most of the day though was spent watching “Gaming Sins” YouTube videos, it was nice hearing someone talk about activities I have recently undertaken. Watched an episode of “The Tick”, it sucks.

Real Talk

I woke when my mother called me to inform me that she had purchased meals from McDonalds. It was around 1pm, not sure why I required 12 hours sleep, might start taking vitamins again.

I played Bloodborne for around 30 minutes but stopped, too difficult. Sooner after I started up Metal Gear Solid 5 where I finished watching a cutscene I started months ago, at its conclusion, a trophy popped. I then stopped playing the game.

Today also marked the day when I finally went to ASDA to purchase doughnuts, the weather was bitterly cold, it reminded me how much I hate winter, it’s amazing how I forget this pain every year. Once at the store, I noted a large tube of Toblerone and picked that up too.

When I got back home, I greeted my sister and mother in the living room and their response was to attempt to have some “real talk” with me, they asked about my hair and why I keep it long, no answer could satisfy them, I said that I feel more confident now and comfortable with myself, even went so far as to say my hair makes me feel unique and special. My sister brought up my counselling sessions from last year and suggested I should continue them or get back on meds, I flipped out, they’re the ones with the problem, not me and stuff from last year is completely irrelevant, I’m a different person now. The interaction ended politely enough, thought it seemed there was stuff still unsaid. The ofcourse know that I’m trans but no one wants to talk about it directly, it makes everyone too uncomfortable.

Back in the safety of my bedroom I attempted to watch Attack on Titan again, this time it was the dub since it’d be easier to watch in the background. Onto episode 3 but I feel I might be able to get through it this time even if I don’t get the hype. Ended up only eating about 3 doughnuts and 3 triangles of Toblerone.

Where has all the good vidya gone?

I took the day off, no excursions outside, no job application, just vidya. I gave XCOM 2 a play for an hour or so then dropped it, next I played Mafia 3 for around 3 hours but will be dropping it too considering outside the story there isn’t anything fun about it. I expect to shortly play and drop Bloodborne and MGS V tomorrow. This’ll clear the way for Yakuza Kiwami in November.

Not much else transpired, didn’t even play Hearthstone or watch any shows/films. The only social interaction was with my mother, the house is mostly empty with the exception of the two of us.

My cousin contacted my on Whatsapp to suggest a trip to Berlin but I declined since my passport has expired and I’m waiting for the blue ones to be rolled out, she should know this but I reminded her gently anyway. Didn’t follow up on her suggestion to research the city.

Still no doughnuts, my my mother convinced me today to have hummus instead when I attempted to leave.

The bra I order was the wrong size, I decided to go a band size down and this resulted in poor comfort. I’ll just have to drop another £10. Not sure if I should also go up a cup size.

Interview Status: Crushed

I struggled to wake up early for the interview I had scheduled for today as I spent several hours last night fantasising about still working at the call centre with the quirky guy and co., it wasn’t until around 8:15am that I arose. Got some cereal down my throat, showered and changed into my usual suit/shirt/tie combo, didn’t even bother to iron the shirt and I’m so confident in these situations now that I know I’m going to be hired. Don’t believe I brushed my teeth, stopped doing that in the mornings recently, due to sloth most likely.

When I ventured outside, I played a small amount of Pokemon GO, first time this month, I need to get the research reward and get the most value out of the ongoing events. The weather was close to rain and soothed any anxieties I may have had. When I arrived, I had to open up Google Maps to get a refresher on where I was supposed to head.

The interviewer was a female in her 20s, she had piercings on her tongue, nose and gum. The gum piercing was curious, never seen that before. Didn’t seem to care I was 2 minutes late, smiled a lot and often told me “You’ll be fine”, strongly hinting throughout that I was getting the gig. She wasn’t the manager, she was something a step lower and wasn’t used to interviewing people, she asked me 5 questions, really basic stuff like why I wanted the job and what my interests where, it seemed important that I would get along with my prospective co-workers. My voice was unclear throughout, a symptom of not getting enough sleep. I could’ve done more to carry the off-shoot conversations but I didn’t have enough energy. e.g. I said I liked anime, she asked what my favourite was, I said Kaiji but she didn’t know it, more familiar with stuff like “Death Note”, her bf is apparently really into anime, surprised a guy like that could get with a woman like her. She asked what football team I supported and if I played vidya, said I played God of War recently, she said she couldn’t get into it because it was too hard, I replied that I didn’t like it because it was different, she responded saying she did like it. One cool fact that emerged is that she’s from the same town as the quirky guy.

Biggest positive was that she was surprised when I revealed my age, she responded by saying she thought she’d need to bring me a “young workers permit form” or something like that. Gave a firm handshake on my way out and wasn’t shy about making eye contact. Got this gig pinned down.

Back at home I started clearing up my PSN games again, this time it was “Call of Duty: Black Ops 3”. It surprised me that it was fun, normally don’t care for first person shooters due to the multiplayer focus but I enjoyed how easy it was to handle the weaponry (only playing through the campaign) but I still might leave it part-way completed as it’s not enjoyable enough to be worth my time.

I used my IPL laser again, hit more of my body, I never thought I was dark skinned, just “average brown” so I’m surprised that I’m able to use it safely on the second highest intensity setting.

Still hoping to get one of the other jobs I applied to.

The outer world

The day was mostly a write-off again but I did manage to snap my streak of not leaving the house. Midday I went to Arizonas for a burger meal, they messed up my order by giving me a mild burger instead of spicy. Another customer there had the same issue (white), both he and another white man only ordered single burgers instead of meals with chips and a drink. Not sure why that is, it’s true that Arizonas have recently reduced the portion of chips given with meals but they’re still delicious.

Didn’t do much apart from play Hearthstone, skim through WWE Raw and watch a bit of “Barry”. I’m disappointed I won’t see Roman Reigns we I attend a WWE show for the first time in November. Unfortunately I failed to win Euromillions this draw, only matched one ball. Not down about it, it’s just something going on in the background that requires no effort.

Applied to 3 jobs today, all night receptionist roles. I like the idea of working such a job, night shifts have always appealed to me and being a receptionist is kinda the dream.

Getting an early night due to my temp job interview tomorrow.

The Million £ Quest

I did another search for jobs, quite  a few initially piqued my interest but on further inspection of the detailed job briefs, I only applied to one, not a big deal as I still have a few applications in the wind that I’m hopeful about and the interview on Wednesday for the temp gig. My main activity during the day was playing Hearthstone, I hit rank 1 before falling back to low rank 2, while playing I watched two DC animated films (Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay & The Death of Superman (part 1), both were OK. I took in a little “Curb Your Enthusiasm” too but it gets boring quickly.

After returning from work my sister barged into my room and asked if I had next week off work and if I’d be interested in going on holiday to Portugal. I confessed that I have been NEET for the last 3 months, she thought it amusing since I gave the impression that I can pick and choose jobs as I recently quit that call centre job.

CEX has paid out the £10.00 owed to me. Still haven’t gotten around to sending the other stuff to MusicMagpie, the price of one of the items has gone back up.

I’ve decided to play the Euromillions Lottery. I’m aware of the low percentage of victory and compared it against other lotteries, in the end, the decision I came to was that I need to win big and a low chance is better than no chance at all. I have no need to for the money but winning will give me validation. Currently deposited £50.00 and will purchase one “line” every draw (there are two draws a week), each line costs £2.50. If I fail to win the jackpot, I can still win the raffle held every draw, the odds are around 1 in 3 million and this was the main contributor to swaying my decision away from the more popular “Lotto”.

The appeal to the Scottish High Court may still be on, I have to print of some documents and post them off with my arguments, the delay comes from me needing to go outside.

Not the time

I woke around 1pm, my sister has been visiting from university over the weekend but I didn’t think it worth mentioning as I’ve been staying out of her way. My mother and father tried to get me to engage more with the rest of the family despite me explaining that I was not wanted and that I’d drag down the mood of everyone else. My mother attacked me for this stance, she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. In response I obviously retreated to my room for the remainder of the day.

Finally got around to applying to a handful of jobs, there wasn’t much out there. I’m confident enough now that I’m applying to managerial/supervisor positions though I failed an online assessment to work at ALDI, I believe the same thing happened two years ago. Doesn’t matter, I have my eyes set on various superior positions. The MMA promotion is also taking form in my mind, thinking about hiring homeless guys to fight each other.

I watched the entire 4th season of “Nathan for You”, it’s inspirational how he realises ideas, though, I see myself as less self-serving.

Not sure what the plan for tomorrow is, no reason to leave the house. Vidya would be more productive at this point. Got that interview on Wednesday, it’s a guaranteed way to break up the monotony. Then the following week there’s probation and the one after that WWE. So I’ve got stuff going on, just not right now.