I don’t want to go

Another wonderful day in the greatest workplace in the world. The guy sitting next to me chatted with me constantly throughout the day and film and television shows he’s seen and is currently watching. Got two great recs off him “Who is America” and “Nathan for You”, watched the first episode of both once I got home and I could see merit in each show. Will also check out “The Eric Andre Show” at some point. The guy genuinely made me made laugh, his style of humour is different to the quirky guy. While I deeply appreciate all human interaction, he perhaps did talk a bit too much, I was trying to get on with the work I was assigned.

My manager was great, even moreso than usual. We were team of the month so she got us doughnuts, cakes, apple juice, energy drinks and all sorts of other treats. I scoffed 4 doughnuts and 2 apple juices, plus a cupcake. I finally won the “power hour” by hitting 20 emails in an hour, though I was helped by some “heavy hitters” being absent. Got a box of “Heroes” chocolates. Midway through the day we were given the choice between cans of Magners Cider and Carona beer. I chose Cider and made the mistake of opening one of my two cans at my desk, also took a swig before my manager asked if she heard a can open. She rushed over to me and pulled my can while saying “are you trying to get fired a day before you leave?”. The rest of the team laughed, I also had to hold back laughter before swallowing. I tried to explain “why would you give out drinks during the middle of the day?”. Seems other members of the call centre staff heard about this too, not sure how. My manager told the contact centre head, I saw her doing the drinking motion and the call centre heads head swiftly turned in my direction. Think this normally would have been a disciplinary. Throughout the day my manager was cool, make it a great working environment and I was happy whenever she spoke to me. She’s always smiling and so upbeat.

Hate that I’m leaving this place, I’m not ready, I don’t want to start a new job, I like it here, the work is manageable for me and I enjoy the people I’m around. I’m even mildly respected due to being a relatively senior agent. On the other hand, there’s no advancement to fill my other desire of spiritual fulfilment and mental stimulation. I’m also aware that I often go through periods of hating those I’m around. More money is probably a good thing too. Ultimately though I am going to miss the environment and relationships I’ve built, they’re just going to be gone and for the next month I’m going to have nothing. After which I’ll be building from the ground again, the new environment will not be anywhere near as “fun” and “chill” as this one.

I am exhausted too. I needed time off and this was the only way to get it. To make the most of the situation I’m in, I’ll need to take up exercise, learn to cook, make friends and various other life skills so I can develop enough as person that I can mold my new workplace environment to my liking.

Misplaced Guilt

I arrived late to work due to train delays, it was just 3 minutes but I hope it didn’t look intentional. In addition to there being no quirky guy, the guy who sits next to me wasn’t in today either. A quiet day where my vocal chords rested and shook into action again today. My manager assigned me relatively easy emails so I blazed through them and when I completed my target, I asked for more and went on to solve more emails than the rest of the team and go way above target again. I’d like to think my manager appreciates me, I’m not the exact word to use, I just want her to respect my work ethic and the fact that I’m not slacking despite leaving.

Just before I chose to go on lunch, around 12:30, that’s when others seemingly half the rest of the team disappeared on theirs, the Polish female approached me. She confidently took a seat next to me and began asking a questions. I was taken aback but before she could finish I said that I wasn’t comfortable speaking to her, without making eye contact. She tried to defend herself by saying that “he” had put words in her mouth but again, before she could finish, I interrupted by repeating my previous statement and suggesting she could tell our manager. She said she wouldn’t do that and left.

I feel immensely guilty now about how rude I was. It’s easy to see her as a victim when she came across as weak and pleasant in that exchange. Also, I haven’t seen the quirky guy in over a week so my pity for him is fading. I also appreciated that she spoke to me, I appreciate it when anyone does that. Bit curious about what she wanted and why she asked me specifically. Guess, she’s not racist like the quirky guy suggested. Dangerous thinking but maybe quirky guy is the villain in all this, he has said some racially insensitive things and I’ve been antagonistic towards him often over the last year. We’re not even really friends. I’d make my final days easier by making peace. I do feel compelled to apologise. Partially because she seems to think the reason I’m angry is because of the comments about gay people – and therefore probably thinks I’m gay.

My manager suggested I do overtime on Wednesday since there’s pizza on offer.

At home I was devoid of energy, just watched Kaiji in the background and ate rice.

Another standard day

I played Final Fantasy X, watched Kaiji, watched Orange is the New Black and probably overate. I barely posted on 4chan.

There’s nothing more to say, I shut off my brain mostly and no strong thoughts entered my head. I didn’t even think much about the media I was consuming.

At least I’m not feeling down

Standard day away from work. I overate, played vidya (FF X, enjoying but thinking about the post-game is stressing me a little), watching Kaiji and went for a laser session.

There was a sudden heavy downpour of rain that I had to brave in order to get to the train station in time for my laser session, thankfully it subsided quickly, on the train I coincidently encountered my uncle who had bought some DVDs off eBay and was going to collect them in person to avoid paying postage. The conversation didn’t go well, I didn’t put in much effort as I was caught off guard and didn’t want to be asked what my plans were. The laser session was painful, near unbearable at times. The technician gave me some cream to help with my burn.

On the way back I bought an Arizonas burger meal.

My Manchester City shirt arrived from AliExpress, it looks great but I haven’t worn it just yet.

The only member of my family to communicate with me at home was my mother, I wasn’t in the mood to converse with her so the interactions were cut short.

The end approaches

Threw in the towel today, just did 40 emails and spent half an hour just talking to the guy who sits next to me, the conversation was mostly about media. He’ll be another person I’ll be disappointed to say farewell to, almost seems like I wasted effort building a relationship this late into the game.

During lunch I watched One Punch Man again (episode 7 now), my former enemy walked past then turned around to ask if I was watching One Punch Man, he said that he had “the books”, lost respect for him there and then gave my usual opinion on it, that I’d delayed watching for years and heard it’s supposed to be good though I’m not finding it all that amusing. He then said “the books” are good, I replied that the original material usually is. He left after asking if I could switch the language to English, I said “no” and screwed up my face, he laughed and left.

At home I played Final Fantasy X for about an hour.

Still a god, still among ants

Stats are finally being emailed out again and unsurprisingly I’m one of the few who actually hits target. The others are my former enemy who is has been assigned the task of sending bulk emails and this other older guy who is into metal music, people seem to respect him and he seems to be good at his job but his stats are helped by the fact he does overtime and also gets special assignments. There were people on our 10 or so man team who didn’t around half the target. It’s insulting and that’s one of the reasons I’m leaving sooner rather than later – we’re treated as equals when we’re clearly not doing doing the amount of work.

Lots of normal conversation with the guy who sits next to me. Turns out he has a Cantonese gf, didn’t expect him to be a normie, I’m disappointed. I teach him quite a bit about the job, he’s younger and been here slightly longer but I’ve been on the emails team longer so am more learned. He made me genuinely laugh once.

It was bring your kid to work day or something, they took over the break room so I first delayed my lunch since I thought they’d scram after 5pm, when I realised I was wrong, I then just ate at my desk. Got some left over pizza and popcorn when the kids where gone too. I didn’t think about the impossibility of me having a child of my own, it’s not something that’s important to me.

At home I watched Kaiji again and played my newly arrived Final Fantasy X game, the nostalgia is fading fast but it might recover when I progress through the story. It’s going to be my weekend.

My sister is excited for Iron Maiden. The oldest of my sisters hates me and is more open about it now. No interaction with the other.

Proof of Progress: A Normal Conversation

Getting through the day was a mild challenge again. My manager managed to get me to do the target of 70 emails, for someone who is leaving in a week, I’m not showing a lack of enthusiasm. There were prizes on offer for those who answered the most emails every hour, they were won by a former enemy who closed the easiest emails in the queue, an older woman who gets assigned easy emails, a knuckle dragger who I’m sure cheated and a female who probably screwed up every email she replied to. The competition might have even been fixed to prevent me winning since I don’t need the morale boost. Not that it would have ever worked on me anyway, I find the scheme a de-motivator if anything, since it doesn’t reward those who work hard every day without any incentives of offer.

Glad to be leaving since there’s plenty going on that would get under my skin otherwise. Stacy has definitely been trained on emails. Former enemy had been taught how to send out bulk emails. Other new members of the team are training people how to use the new system/send emails. Few people come to me to check emails, still repelling, even those who I have helped before. Don’t like clique stuff either, the other members of the team are part of various group chats and often share stuff while loudly laughing.

I had a lengthy, normal conversation with the woman who used to sit next to me. She told me my former manager had been suspended, I shared my story about the quirky guy and advised her to be nice to him. I also shared my worries about the new job. Some parts could have been improved upon but it was lengthy and it mostly flowed so I’d call it a success.

During lunch I watched One Punch Man on the television in the break room again. This was after my excursion outside where I spotted a lost child with two women who had “Environmental Enforcement” stamped on their back. Shortly after noting that sight I went into a clothing store to look for an iron Maiden t-shirt, this was where I spotted paki family with a security guard, I assumed they lost a kid and tried to tell them what I’d seen but the security guard mostly ignored me. I then went back to the kid and shared my findings. One of the “Environmental Enforcement” women went off to the clothing store to investigate. I left feeling proud I’d helped others but there’s still that lingering feeling that the two parties were unconnected.

Watched an episode of Kaiji at home and played a little Monster Hunter. This was while eating a jacket potato.

I may go to London to attend the FA Community Shield football game between City & Chelsea. Trying to arrange to attend with the guy from London who I intended to see a football game at Wembley with back in February.

Another farewell

Despite working the late shift today I was unable to accept the benefit of a longer rest period as I had to wake before 9am in order to attend an appointment with my case worker. On the way to the probation office, a group of three chavs walked in my direction, on of them, presumably the leader, joking said “my mate fancies you, his name’s Cory”. I took this too mean I at least look someone feminine, I ignored them.

I spoke to my case worker about my improved social skills, my new job and the drama at work. She then revealed that she is changing job roles and will be based in another location. This would be the last time we speak, I let her know I enjoyed my time with her and that she has helped me improve myself. I’ll be getting my old case worker back. It hurt to lose another friendly face in my life, especially in such a short period of time. I wonder if there are any more individuals who could disappear before the start of my new job?

At work, my manager assigned me several emails. I’m not sure if it’s because she trusts me to perform as well as usual despite leaving, I think I am still outperforming everyone else on the team. Lots of conversation with the guy who sits next to me, mostly about work. I’m even more sure than before that Stacy is helping out with complaints now, if I wasn’t leaving, I’d be fuming. Not sure if it’s even worth slacking since I know my manager needs us to be as productive as possible and I want to be able to do something positive for her.

Before work I did make a stop at the post office to pick up my Bica, had to pay a customs charge, not entirely happy about it but it makes the total amount paid more reasonable.

Got tickets for Iron Maiden. I’ll be attending with one of my sisters assuming she doesn’t flake. It was her suggestion we go see them in the first place so it looks hopeful. Might even see the quirky guy since they’re his favourite band.

Bought Final Fantasy X. It might be a great distraction or it might destroy over a decade of nostalgia.

An Accomplishment

Prior to leaving for work my sister burst into my room and attacked me for allegedly not cleaning the top floor shower. I provided my usual defence, that it wasn’t her shower and if she’s got a problem with, stop cleaning it. Also, I noted how she never cleaned the other shower, she only cares about the top floor one because she considers it “hers”. Our parents got involved, my father said something about her needing to “help” me, she said that it had been over a year since the incident and to look at the mess I am now. She seems to think everyone else is being unreasonable but it she who is underdeveloped and has possible mental illnesses.

There’s so little of note to recall during my day now that the quirky guy is unavailable for conversation. I spoke a little to the guy who sits next to me but neither of us have excellent social skills so one can’t carry the other through rough patches and I ramble a lot. I’m sitting on some slightly awkward email queries but worst case scenario, I can just ignore them until I leave.

During my break, I played anime on the television in the break room. Watched One Punch Man, it was episode two, still waiting for it to get good. Watched a little Violet Evergarden too. There were only a couple of other people in the break room. Most were in the canteen area, talking with their friends.

I finished Sonic Mania. I haven’t touched the encore mode or played as any character other than Sonic but that’s because I didn’t really have much fun playing the game, I was too terrified of being being at the end by a boss and having to restart the whole stage. It was a challenge, I wanted to say I played the game and beat it, now I can. Picked up a few trophies too.

At home there was a card from Royal Mail, they’re holding a package of mine, a customs charge of £27.50 is due, it’s my Bica, most likely. The additional cost pushes the price of the Bica into the uncomfortable range.

A day of peace

On the surface, today was no different to yesterday but somehow I was able to enjoy myself. I watched 12 or so episodes of Kaiji, I played Sonic Mania and Monster Hunter World. Almost finished Mania, the stage I was stuck on was probably getting me down. I’m also finding Monster Hunter mildly addictive. Despite this I’m still considering buying Final Fantasy X HD, watching new shows and playing new games scares me to some extent, it puts me at unease. Whereas re-watching something I know I like or possibly going back to the video game I have the fondest memories of is soothing, it doesn’t necessarily fill me with positive emotions but I feel safe and unthreatened.

I overate, it was worse than yesterday, probably contributed to the comfy feeling I had.

I shared the story of the quirky guys work HR issues with my family, they think he’s partially at fault. I can’t see it their way and I’m still intent on taking action in some form. This was while we were watching Star Wars Episode 1 together, first time I’ve spent time downstairs in over a month. Still think it’s decent film.

My laser burn has not yet faded.

I didn’t think much about the outside world or the future, that’s probably the real reason I was content today, the distractions proved effective for once.