Old hobbies, possible new ones

My counterfeit Magic the Gathering cards arrived from China but I had to go to my parents house to collect them, they mostly look fine but I didn’t specify that I wanted them with the holostamp so I’m a bit out out by that. My mother was nice, she made attempts to start conversation but I didn’t have much to say, I just sat and ate the rice she made specially for me. She used chick peas instead of chicken since my dad stopped buying food once I left. The oldest of my younger sisters is the only one left at home with her now, we didn’t talk despite sharing a room. I would like to know why she doesn’t pay for anything.

My mother insisted on packing me some rice and chutney before I left. When I got back home, I tried going to the post office but the queue was too long, I have a letter regarding council tax to post off, I still haven’t heard anything regarding the electricity. My broadband billing also has issues.

I made a trip into town but I couldn’t bring myself to shop anywhere, perhaps because I was feeling too self conscious, I just wasn’t having fun or interested at all. Primark also always has really long queues which I refuse to wait in.

I’m not feeling as low energy as I was last week when working, I’m not as energetic as normal though either. I’m still feeling quite directionless. For a while I’ve been thinking about taking the plunge into Warhammer, I did paint and collect Lord of the Rings figurines when I was younger.

No Goals

Since my last entry, I have had 4 shifts at work and 3 days off. The 4 days at work were all pretty chilled out, I didn’t feel overworked, the only drama was the taxidermy woman and I discussing the big guys workrate, it was rather unfair that we would do 50 emails in a night and he’d do less than 10. We decided someone should say something so agreed to message our shared manager when he was next in, he responded with humour but said he took my concern seriously.

I am finding myself very burned out from working and very bored when not, I’m not sure what to do with myself at all.

On my first day off I woke up at 2pm and went to sleep around 8pm, I played some Fall Guys. I also contacted the water and electric companies to set up accounts with them, I’m paying around £25 a month for water but still waiting for a second call from the electric company to select a tariff. My letterbox on the ground floor has still not been fixed but because it’s overflowing, I just need need to reach in and grab the top few letters, the letters at the bottom of the heap that I can’t grab probably belong to the previous tenant. I found time to go out in the rain and buy food supplies from Sainsbury’s, I went for potatoes, tuna and coleslaw. On my way out of the flat, I saw a body on the ground floor of the flat, it was lying down and had its eyes open, a mid 30’s man, white, bald. There were 4 people standing around, all wearing face masks, at least two were of different races. I did think it strange that they were all wearing masks but since they were of different races, they probably weren’t allies, just tenants who stumbled onto the body at the same time. The body was gone when I returned, the amount of blood was minimal and what was left of it looked diluted, like it could have been juice.

The following day I went to Sainsbury’s again, I bought Pepsi Max, shampoo, bin bags, toilet roll and some small items that escape my mind right now. I didn’t know what to do with myself for large parts of the day so played some Fall Guys, I’m level 25 now and won 3 episodes, still never come 1st place in a race though.

I’m on the third day free and considering going into town but it’s getting later into the day and I’m losing motivation.

Finally Chillin’

On Wednesday I went into the city for my laser appointment, I got in early so wandered around for a bit but it wasn’t fun, I had to wear my mask everywhere. I eventually headed to the clinic but it turned out my appointment was for tomorrow, they’re also waiting on approval that they can still treat the face due to lockdown safety restrictions. I got a call later in the day that they hadn’t heard back regarding the rules so the appointment has been pushed back to September.

I dressed in a way that was obviously female during my trip there and then again to the supermarket.

I overate on Wednesday and Thursday, I thought I’d have better self control now but that doesn’t seem to be the case, it’s only been a week so I guess I just need time to settle in.

Thursday was the only day I didn’t have to do much, so I ended up playing “Fall Guys”, it’s a fun enough little game, I’ve won 1 episode and put in over 10 hours by this point, I’m only continuing to play to get a few more trophies.

Below are pics of my flat.

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First Week

The 4 days since my last entry were spent working, these were the quieter days of the week so nothing too stressful. I shared pictures of my new flat with the big guy, taxidermy woman and ex-manager. The big guy asked me to transfer him £1 due to the risk of messing up his credit score by missing a payment/going into overdraft.

On Monday, I went to a restaurant in Manchester with my cousin and aunt, it was called Dishoom. They had a stylish aesthetic and served Indian food but it wasn’t spicy, the place seems to have been designed for white people. It was also very expensive for what it was but reasonable enough when factoring in the governments “eat out” discount. It was a pleasant night out, we chatted about normal thing, she complimented my eyebrows which made me feel good about myself.

The day after, I had a visit from my mother and two of my sisters, I was defensive and grumpy at first but warmed up. They sat around for a bit, my mother brought me rice and they drove me to Sainsbury’s for some shopping. I think we may have departed too quickly but I wanted some down time. On my way back into the building I tripped, then a guy from the cleaning company followed me in after I entered the code, he then asked if I could tell him the way to the basement and I refused.

My father arrived some time later and I was even more defensive and rude, he wasn’t all the bad but I don’t know what his intentions were. We went up, he took a quick look around and asked what I did for food. He also offered to pay my rent back when I move back to the family home. He understood I didn’t want him around without me saying anything. I guided him back down and we spoke a little at the door before he left. He was asking if I’d come back to the family home tomorrow to collect my male clothes, I refused, saying that I wanted some time to relax, he didn’t understand but it was the last thing I said.

I’m done with “Star Wars: Battlefront”, I finished the story but despite several attempts I couldn’t find myself on the winning team during multiplayer despite the odds being 50/50. I’m not playing “Fall Guys”, it pretty chill though I wouldn’t pay for it.

Moving Out, Moving Up

Wednesday was the day I was set to leave home, I had packed up most of my belongings and finished up during the morning while I waited for my friend to arrive to pick me up. During this time, my father also badgered me, pushing for marriage, he said that I promised I’d do so within 2 weeks and that he’d start looking for women now. While having expectations of me, he also decided that I didn’t “like him” and that we were done though, again, he insisted on visiting the flat tomorrow. I gave him the address, I just want to leave and be done with this. At one point my mother entered the room and my father slammed the door behind her, I challenged him on this but he claimed it was an accident/due to the wind.

My father was lingering because he wanted to travel with me and my friend to the flat, he also thought my friend was Pakistani and that he could “talk sense” into me regarding my hair/moving out. Much like my mother he kept asking how I met him, it confused him that there were ways to meet someone other than university or work.

When my friend arrived, I asked him to wait in his car as my father was just about to leave, my father sat in his car a while and eventually drove off, I called my friend over (he was dressed in t-shirt and shorts, appropriate for the boiling weather but as I had packed most of my clothing I was stuck with a sweater and jeans) and we gabbed some stuff to bring to his car but when we approached, we found that my fathers car was now parked behind my friends, it was a strange move on his part, I can only assume my father planned to lay in wait. I decided to screw it and just move along with packing my belongings into the car. My father exited his and watched his, he made suggestions on how to pack and it was mostly harmless.

We drove off to Nando’s, it was between my family home and new home/flat. The very friendly Pakistani security guard took my details and said our table would be ready in 1 hour and 15 minutes, so went over to my flat and dumped some of my belongings before I got a text to say our table was ready, I panicked because it had only been around 30 minutes, we dashed over to the restaurant, it took us about 20 minutes but they held the table. We were using the 50% “eat out to help out” promotion and planned on ordering a boneless platter for two with two bottomless drinks. We had to order using the app, I started the order but forgot that I left my card in the flat, my friend didn’t want to put his card details through the app for security reasons, we got into a mini fight but then he told the staff it didn’t work so they let him order at the counter.

The food was delicious, my friend hated spices (hot ones) so we got the chicken plain and then used the sauces for additional flavour. I loved it and even had some from my friends plate. We also took advantage of the refills on the drinks. The staff in general were nice.

After this we went back to my flat and moved the heavy objects, while I organised bits and pieces he checked out “Knives Out” on Amazon Prime Video. The place really looked a lot more homely once everything was set out. It was about 4pm now and we decided to head into town, just quick browse of the shops since the place was closing down, we spent a lot of time in CEX and bought 2 DVD’s each, one of the ones I bought was “True Detective” for my friend, it’s a great show that I’m sure he’ll enjoy.

We did a bit of quick shopping at Sainsbury’s for toothpaste and then went back to the flat to chill, we finished watching “Knives Out”. This has pretty much been a dream of mine for a while, just having a friend over and chilling out for the day. I said he could stay over, I’d sleep on the sofa but he decided to leave around 8pm. It took him a while to get back due to the lightning and flooding.

It was a good day out, just a shame that it went by so quickly, it was 8 hours but felt so much shorter, I suppose it’s as they say, time flies when you’re having a good time.

I’ll post pictures of the flat at a later time, perhaps an update on this entry. I’m very tired and my joints hurt. I’ve been moving a lot recently. My diet is also not going too well, I thought moving out would fix the problem but it hasn’t, I had my 400 calorie HUEL but then followed it up with 100 calories of Pringles.

Is he bi-polar?

Within an hour of posting the last blog entry, my ex-manager gave me a call, this was on shift, we chatted for over 2 hours, this made me very happy and helped overcome the crushing feeling after the encounter with my father.

Over the last 2 days I have been making trips to my flat and moving things there slowly, just what I can fit into my backpack. The one exception was when I carried my 7kg screen, it wasn’t that heavy and I didn’t have to walk much, the tram stops are close to both my home and flat. The worst part was the heat, I was drenched in sweat after each trip. Once I arranged the belongings there and put up the screen, the place looked very pleasant and liveable.

On Monday my father seemed to have come around to me moving and was being supportive, he offered to help move move and hugged me but on Tuesday he flipped again, he wants me to get married within 2 weeks, he says he’ll find someone. On the topic of my hair, he’s fine with it just being passed the ears. There were some other talking points sch as him saying he was wrong to love me and that I can fuck off but simultaneously didn’t relent on his demands.

I can leave and not return but I am concerned about the well-being of my other family members, even my mother who still wants me to get married, when I told my mother what my father said and that I likely wouldn’t return she suggested I might like the woman he finds.

Prior to that, I went to Morrison’s Cafe with my mother and sister, I had a lasagne and they had fish & chips. It was nice to get out and do something like this, I don’t socialise with my family much, my mother asked a lot of questions about the friend who will be helping me to move tomorrow. I also visited my aunt with them, it has been an extremely long time since I’ve seen her, we had a good chat, she’s also against me moving out.

Is it the grave that’s been calling?

I’m getting a little annoyed at work, the new guy is even lazier than his brother. Other than that, I have just been feeling more tired and bored than usual, as a result I’ve requested to cancel some holidays in October and move them over to September.

I spent my walking hours while not working packing up my final suitcase, placing some items in storage here and throwing away quite a bit of stuff too. I don’t have enough space to take everything I want to but it’s not so much that I’d need to fill another suitcase, the items are very minor and I could even leave them, mainly media.

My dad was working on changing the locks in the front door, it’s because sometimes it takes several attempts to open the door. He asked for help and I aggressively said that he should hire someone if he doesn’t know how to do it. He asked who would pay for it, I offered to and then the conversation resulted in me saying I’d be leaving soon. He repeatedly asked why and pushed for details, he couldn’t comprehend why I’d want to leave since I have my own room. Eventually he just kept telling me there would be “no chance” that I leave. He wasn’t implying I’d chicken out but that he wouldn’t allow it. We argued some more before I moved to leave, he muttered to himself about having loved me the most.

He later entered my room and sat on my bed. He demanded I cut my hair and get married within 2 weeks, that he would pay for someone to come to the house to do it. He said I was an embarrassment and that I’d be laughed at in the town I was moving to, he also couldn’t understand why I was renting, he said that was from gypsies, this too was an embarrassment, he said he would have bought me a house in Rochdale, he doesn’t understand that I want to get away. I stressed that I wanted to live my own life and that he should live his.

He tried to compromise by saying that I could leave if I cut my hair and got married. He then threatened to kill me and himself, I started tearing up and told him to just do it or get me some Paracetamol and I’ll kill myself. I think I was serious, I would rather just die if I can’t be free.

He went downstairs and started arguing with my mother, blaming her and then my brother intervened. My dad came back upstairs some time later, his eyes were red, he now settled for me just cutting my hair. I ignored him, I couldn’t tell him what he wanted. He left without arguing again.

I will give credit where it’s due, while my fathers idea of love is similar to control and abuse, he does at least care about me killing myself. My mother has come around and is more supportive now, she bought me some bed sheets and a duvet, the bed sheets are sparkly. Both my parents have been abusive and share responsibility for my mental health, both are still flawed and showing their version of love in their own way, I understand that but I have grown and I’m ready to move on from all this.

A minor miscalculation

I didn’t get much sleep before my shift on Wednesday, I believe I actually tried sleeping on my desk for a period to recover some energy. I started watching Sienfeld on Amazon Prime. It’s not funny but it’s a chilled out watch.

I got an hours worth of sleep before waking up to collect the key for my new flat. My sister, the one who no longer lives with us, gave me a ride, we also moved 2 suitcases of contents. The first just had clothes, all female, the second had random items such as a hairdryer and Pokémon plushies. I was tired to just left everything lying around, I didn’t have the energy to arrange much other than the bed sheets and setting up the broadband.

I need to purchase a duvet and possibly some pillows. The estate agent was a woman coloured orange, when she mentioned that all the employees at the estate agent she worked for were female, it set of a light bulb, I think my skill set in custom services would be well suited to being an estate agent.

There’s a good amount of space in the flat, two sofas, a wardrobe, double bed and two small chest of drawers. The TV stand is not large enough for my TV so I’ll need to do the same thing I do here which is balance it across two stands with books. I found a crumb near the bed which was disgusting, it haunts me now and I’m going to have to do an intensive clean when I’m next there.

The main concern though is that the bathroom is designed for a disabled person. There are handles across all the walls, a seat next to the shower and instead of a sliding glass door into the shower, the whole bathroom has no barriers, just a shower curtain, so the water from the shower will hit the floor and can seemingly wind up near the toilet area or even out the door and into the living room. This was seen in the pictures but they were small so I didn’t notice.

It is a large room but I’m not entirely sure if it’s actually the larger than some of those that were slightly cheaper.

I didn’t get much sleep before my next shift, the Carabao energy drink did little to help and I found myself trying to steal some z’s again.

I’ll post pictures of the flat once I’ve decorated it and moved over all my belongings.

Tomorrow is just a day away!

During my remaining 2 days off from work I started work on a video essay/documentary about MMA fight, Alexander Gustafson. I’ve written one page of a script so far.

I finished Injustice and have started Star Wars Battlefront 2, it’s another free PS Plus game. I’ve also started watching Seinfeld, it’s quite old and not funny but a chilled out watch.

I’m going to collect the keys for the flat tomorrow, I’m quite nervous about it now. Not sure how to start packing my belongings after my clothes.

The countdown is on

I worked another couple of days, both uneventful apart from the new guy, the brother of the last new starting to work proper shifts. I only spoke to him to tell him that I was going on break so he’d know he needs to hold down the fort. No point in wasting my time with him. My ex-manager still seems cold towards me, not as willing to engage in conversation. Maybe he still thinks I’m the one who complained about him.

My diet has continued to be a disaster, I have over-eaten pretty much every day, I bought Doritos and dip and they were consumed within 48 hours. I also had a burger meal. I’ve bought more HUEL though so once I move out, I’ll be all set for getting back on track.

My mother is regularly telling me that she doesn’t feel I should leave, I am becoming more antagonistic during these exchanges. During the most recent one though we agreed that we could both visit each other. I’ve packed a suitcase full of clothes, I think I might need to make a total of 3 trips to transport all my belongings.

On Monday I got my eyebrows threaded, I feel much better about myself now, much more confident, I might go clothes shopping or get a haircut. I’m really unsure about a haircut though, I usually start resenting how short it becomes after some time.

The move-in date has been set as the Thursday.

I’ve started playing “Injustice: Ultimate Edition”, it was given out to everyone for free due to the lockdown, the story is very well done and could be a film/episodes of a show. The graphics are dated though.