Social anxiety and failure DISCLAIMER – This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental
My final night at work before getting my 4 days off was more demanding than before. I was given over 100 “back orders” to get through, it meant that I had to email customers about delays in shipping out their orders. It was massively time consuming, I finally got to relax at 6am. Due to all the work I had, I was unable to chat and enjoy laughter like I did during previous nights. The mood was also altered by having my team leader/manager sitting next to me and hovering over my shoulder.
At 7am, my team leader/manager once again decided to have a 1-2-1 with me, we sat and chatted in a room for an hour, pretty much until the end of my shift. We didn’t talk about anything in particular, he said that he knew I was going to fail my probation, there was little humour in the tone of his voice, he’s quite dead pan, blunt and uses dark/mean spirited humour.
I slept well when I got home, woke up near 6pm, too late to go to Friday Night Magic. I ate around 3000 calories and felt awful for it. As there’s no TV in my room, I’m not able to casually watch shows or play video games, I instead played a couple of DC animated films on my laptop while browsing my usual sites. I also hunted for a new TV, a 65 inch one for £500 interested me but I thought it better to save my money.
I’m going to sleep at 4am, it’s going some way towards fixing my sleeping pattern so I can make use of my 4 days off before going into work again.
My first series of night shifts have been an adjustment to say the least. The shift is 12 hours, there’s 2 hours worth of commuting and I get 8 hours sleep, it leaves no time for anything else.
Night 2 – Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning
This shift was OK, I learned to do some admin stuff because it’s so quiet overnight in terms of customer interactions. It’s simple but time consuming stuff, very repetitive, requires attention to detail. I’m sure I’ll screw up soon enough. The sarcastic guy took the day off, he’s not coping well, exhausted and his kid was sick so no sleep.
I got to talk with my team leader, he’s an interesting guy, everyone seems to dislike him but we chatted for almost an hour, just jokes, him winding me up, he warned me against travelling to Mexico as the cartels would kill me/ransom me. He’s lived and worked in many countries, not sure what to make of him, I’d say I like him for now.
Night 3 – Wednesday Night/Thursday morning
Got off to a good start since I chatted with some people from my training group as I got in. They all either finish when I do or start their shift when I finish, I still enjoy seeing them, keeping up to date.
The sarcastic guy was back in and supercharged, at least for a while. We were accompanying by the Pakistani and the female Harry Potter fan on night shift. We chatted about media, they both like film, TV and video games, could say they’re all abnormies, like me, they’re much more my type of people than the day shift people, even my precious training group.
The sarcastic guy is talking about switching over to day shifts because he’s finding it difficult to cope. In conversation I revealed that I’m semi-pro-Brexit, the guy tried pushing it by asking if I thought it was a good thing if there were fewer people in the country. The reveal came about when I said it would be easier to get a job after Brexit. He looked at me with disgust.
I got out of bed at 2pm, I knew I shouldn’t wake up to early as I had a 12 hour night shift starting at 8pm tonight.
I had breakfast and watched Survivor Series, there wasn’t much else to do other than watch some YouTube videos. It was at about 6pm that I showered, I soon headed out to work with a couple of energy drinks in my backpack.
I was pleased to see the sarcastic guy there. The big guy was there too and the woman who does taxidermy. I spoke to them much more this time since it was a full shift. The woman also likes wrestling, she’s into AEW but wasn’t familiar with the term vanilla midget. I found the big guy easy to talk to though there was no common ground, admittedly didn’t reveal much about myself, there isn’t much there.
The sarcastic guy seems to struggle with the long shifts, he’s also at university right now, something’s to do with the job role he’s studying for.
At 7pm some old faces reared their heads for the morning shift, I liked seeing them, I was full of pep. The shift hadn’t phased me at all, at least not yet.
On my way home I renewed my season ticket, I bought a monthly one instead of a weekly one this time, feeling more secure now. I upgraded to one of those new plastic smart cards, it’s cool looking but I’m not sure how to check the expiry date.
I semi-recovered from my sickness, it wasn’t immediate but after a few hours, I felt that I could eat whatever I wanted, I had my cereal, finished off the few leftovers Doritos and then went into the town centre to pickup and online order, it was perfume,shampoo and conditioner.
I then went back home and found another package for me, this one was from BooHoo, my mother didn’t query it. I tired on the clothes in my bedroom, the boyfriend jeans were fine, the straight leg jeans were too tight, so a size too small, I guess. The sweaters both fit OK. The boots were the wrong size, I kept thinking womens shoes were a size bigger than mens but it’s the other way around, so I need a size 7 instead of 8.
I went back out to town, this time I stopped at the library to print off the returns label for the clothing that didn’t fit. BooHoo don’t do exchanges, just returns, so I also had to place another order, that meant paying postage again and losing out on yesterdays discount but it’s still a great price for a pair of boots. On the way home, I stopped in at ASDA, my mother mentioned looking for a cheese board, I bought one along with some feta and crackers. I used the feta to make myself a salad with tuna, I didn’t taste much.
After some time, I got cravings for chocolate. It was around 9pm, ASDA was closing soon, I wanted some doughnuts but they weren’t any on the shelves so I settled for some cookies. I scoffed 3 at home before feeling sick/full. Before going to sleep, I heard my sisters returning home, it was around 1am, the older one said something about bruising, I chose not to get involved though I was curious.
Sunday
The following day started with me on the toilet, my diarrhoea had returned, this was at 1pm-2pm, I did struggle to get out of bed. When I went downstairs, my aunt and cousin were there, just talking, I sat and chat for about an hour. My sister was also there, he arm in a sling, she broke some fingers, they were in a plastic casing. It was just an accident, nothing too interesting. My brother later visited but we didn’t interact much.
I began feeling better later in the day, I got some breakfast and headed into town to buy a new bin, had to replace the one I was sick in. On the way, an old white man approached me to give me a “New Testament & Psalms”, it’s a narrow red book, the pages have a golden edge. I think he wished me a happy Eid, I told him I didn’t believe in God, he asked to give it another read and stressed that Jesus did definitely exist. He was nice, I’m considering actually giving the book a quick once-over. I bought a pink tartan metal bin from a discount store for £2.49.
Back at home, again, I got the cravings, again. This time I went for a burger meal from Orlando’s. While eating I watched SNL, it was a good episode.
I woke up earlier than expected, I would have thought my body would demand more sleep but regardless, I got up and ate some rice. I felt off though, I could focus, I felt tired. I went to the bathroom and found I had diarrhoea, this was fine, it feels good clean out the body this way. It didn’t make me feel much better though.
I tried watching YouTube videos but they made me feel even more unwell, I couldn’t even look at the screen for too long. After a short while, I threw up, I managed to get it done in my bedroom bin, I felt better for a short while after this, found enough energy to brush my teeth and take the bin outside to discard.
Things to a turn for the worst after this, my body was sapped of all energy, I wasn’t able to do much other than lie on my bed, I was unable to go to sleep though as I regularly needed to crawl to the bathroom. While lying on my bed, I listened to YouTube videos and rewatched a Dave Chappelle standup show. It was literally hours, just me lying prone on my bed with my eyes closed, just trying to exist. My limbs were barely able to move, it just didn’t feel possible. I haven’t felt like this before, I’m not prone to getting sick.
The day was lost, at least it allowed me to control my calorie intake since eating food was impossible, drinking anything but water was also impossible, I could drink water in small bursts.
The following day, my sickness cleared up for the most part, I was able to move around again. My diarrhoea remained, my appetite was still gone but late at night I was able to walk to ASDA for some Doritos and dip. My general energy levels were still low and I didn’t feel strong, so was unable to go out for Friday Night Magic. I’ve also been unable to play video games due to giving my TV away to my father.
I did do some shopping though, I bought some clothes from BooHoo, a 12 month PS Plus subscription and some shampoo, conditioner along with perfume (Lady Million).
Hopefully I’ll be fully cured by tomorrow and I’ll be able to live a little.
Before leaving work on Tuesday, I met another member of the night shift, it was a woman, she supposedly likes Harry Potter, I thought she was cool in a chilled out sorta way. Me and the sarcastic guy couldn’t chat much as we were both doing webchats, they require more focus than emails/calls.
The follow day at work felt a little different because it would be the last time I’m doing a non-night shift, the last time I’d be hanging with the training crew for a while. The Belgian-Pakistani waved to me on his way out, he’s one of the youngest here so it’s likely a new experience for him but I’m becoming hardened to goodbyes.
During the hours of 6pm-11pm, I was placed on webchat, it was quite busy, worse than usual since we were a person short, I did try asking if someone else could be brought in but it doesn’t seem like anyone could be spared. I did get quite overwhelmed when I had 4 chats on the go and was talking to a customer at the same time, it resulted in me not responding to someone and them leaving the chat, they also provided negative feedback. However, this person was a Pakistani who instantly threatened to go to another company, so likely a scammer. Quite annoyed and anxious about this as management will see it, negative ratings are quite rare so it will stand out. I also gave a couple of people bad advice so this might all just get swept under the rug.
I met another new work colleague today, a possibly Pakistani guy, quite quirky, seems nice, didn’t talk much though since I was so busy. When I left I was upset that the two night shifters didn’t help me.
Yesterday went by fine, I ate heavily before work and then went in, I worked along at a standard pace and that was that. At work there were no notable events, me and the sarcastic guy spoke a little more to our new manager and met one of our colleagues, a large black man with a very cool, laid back vibe.
The manager and sarcastic guy went for a one on one meeting but I have no idea what that’s about, didn’t ask or I didn’t get an answer, can’t remember which. Not feeling paranoid just yet. When I got home, I found my mother had cooked a frozen pizza for me, I warmed it up and chowed down.
As I’ve said before, I really like working here, best job I’ve ever had.
The following day, proceeded similarly, early into my shift I had a one to one with the trainer to review my first 3 weeks. Turns out I come across quite blunt and rude sometimes, I need to work on it, I really upset him last week when I called him out on being wrong about something. My tone of voice doesn’t change from the norm when I make jokes, that seems to be the problem, I also don’t always smile, I just come across as cruel, though he did acknowledge that he doesn’t think I’m malicious, just need to read the situation and think before speaking. The same thing I’ve heard at every job I’ve been at.
Had some fun with colleagues doing riddles. The head of the social media team let me know that a customer had gotten in touch with some positive feedback for me, I was defensive at first.
Wrote this entry at 7pm on my lunch break at work.
I woke up at 12:30pm today because I was absolutely knackered from yesterday, I also had a cold. I was in pain and too exhausted to do much of anything, so I just put on “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”, it was like watching the original again though this wasn’t even a good film, just quite nostalgic.
Cereal was almost depleted so I made a trip to ASDA to get some more, 2 boxes of Chocolate Weetabix, semi skimmed milk and 4 pack of energy drinks. There wasn’t space in my bag for anything else so I didn’t waste time looking at vegan products. When I got back home, I ate a jacket potato and then some pasta, two bowls.
Activities for the rest of the day included, watching a bit of a vegan documentary “The GameChangers”, half of “Dolemite” (starring Eddie Murphy), SNL and skimmed through WWE SmackDown. Got in some games of Magic Arena too.
Before the day ended, I gave my dad my TV to get him off my back, I had to set it up for him and then explained why SD broadcasts look bad on a 50 inch 4K television
I’d be doing a 2:30pm to 11pm shift today, this is the “grad buy” period and will continue onto next week. Before I went in, I checked the work WhatsApp group, the sarcastic guy posted a picture of himself at the gym, I replied with a meme about him taking selfies at the gym instead of working out (despite him actually being in quite good shape).
At work, I was taking calls and answering emails, I didn’t have many of either to answer though, they’re really overstaffed with 10 new people around, the number of staff has more than doubled, as far as I can tell. I found time to speak with everyone around, around half the training group. Turns out the Belgian-Pakistani likes shounen anime. When it was 6pm, the bulk of the training group went home, they’re the ones working day shifts, they left in dribs and drabs and didn’t wait for each other. The trainer observed this and asked if they were still friends. The people from my training group who would be doing the night shift are myself, the sarcastic guy and vegan guy, we’re staying until 11pm.
It was slow before and it became even slower, there were barely any interactions to work on at all, say about 3 calls/emails each per hour. The trainer stayed to introduce us to our team leader, he was a bit anti-social, didn’t talk to us at all and sat away. I like him though, feels like I’d have an easy time communicating with him. The trainer suggested I’d be a manger within a year and that I was a strong personality because I got other people in the training group to get the train at a different train station yesterday.
During the quite hours, we talked with the trainer, he shared some stories and the sarcastic guy showed him the offensive memes he posted in the WhatsApp group. He then shared some of his own.
We all left the office together unlike the day shift people. I love working here and hope the ride will never end.
Saturday
I was planning on meeting my good friend, ShipAnon today. I woke up at 8:30am, more sleep would have been nice but I had to get ready. I groomed, showered, pulled on a skirt, tights and jumper before applying my makeup (foundation and lip gloss), it would be the first time I ever went out wearing foundation and the first time in public wearing a skirt. I wasn’t nervous or scared but incredibly self conscious.
I swiftly got out of the house and went to the train station, I then travelled by foot to another train station and boarded a train for Birmingham. By the time I arrived, I’d been travelling for a total of 2-3 hours. I also regretted wearing tights, it was freezing, most women were wearing jeans, as they usually do. Shippy had arrived before me but we struggled to find each other, a dispute over where the meeting point was.
To kick off the day, we went looking for a WHSmith to buy some Parker pens, he loves pens. The search was longer than expected as Birmingham is massively overcrowded, there are waves of people everywhere, even queues/barriers to use the escalators in the shopping centre. This made is difficult to explore, that and the fact my phone battery was low and I had to preserve it for the sake of using my e-tickets on the return train. When we found a store, the helpful black security guard removed the red security tags preventing people from stealing them.
It was also very loud, it made it difficult to talk out in the open. We then went to get something to eat, I insisted against Spoons this time, we went for KFC, the store was shockingly vacant, finding seating was no problem at all. I ordered a burger meal and he queued up instead of using the self-serve machine since he wanted to ask for “no tomatoes”. I secure a table and then waited for him to join me, my order was ready first. He ate very quickly and was still hungry when done, I gave him my chips, he also finished them before I finished the remainder of my burger. It’s just a quirk of his but I think he’d benefit from savouring his meal more and talking over it too. We did chill and talk while knocking back our drinks though.
Next up was a trip to a museum, we walked to one and passed some skaters on the way but chose not to enter to deeply as it looked like there was a fee. We went to the superior “Birmingham Museum” instead, it was through the Christmas Markets which were just as overflowing with human mass as the shopping area. It was much better than the Manchester one, lots of artifacts that were 2000+ years old and from all over the world. There was also fine art from throughout the ages. Shippy was very interested in the exhibit about the history of the city, I also found it enlightening. There was stuff from the Americas, South Asian and my personal favourite, Ancient Egypt.
We went to CEX, Shippy searched for a copy of Peep Show season 6 but came up short, I on the other hand bought a Planet of the Apes boxset. The store was larger than most I’ve been to. We went to a chippy, it had a traditional feel to it, large portions for only £2, I couldn’t finish my serving. We checked out an anime store or two, cool stuff, nothing worth buying though.
The last activity of the day was gambling, it was my suggestion and I regret it. It was foolish of me, we went to one casino, a guy groped me and the stakes were too high so we left, the next casino was in China town, full of white dealers dressed in traditional Chinese clothes, we left as there was only one Blackjack table and it was full, we then went back to the first casino.
We played some Blackjack, I was up by £10 but kept playing until I broke even. Shippy did not do well, he kept making sidebets. We then played some roulette, I double my money and was up £15, Shippy worsened his losses and then made a cash withdrawal. This was after I gave him my winnings and he gambled them away. While he was at the cash machine, I did manage to double my winnings again and was again up by £15.
It all worked out for a second though as Shippy won big, over £200, I told him to leave but not forcibly enough, he said he was chasing a £5 loss, I gave in, he gambled away until he was down to £200, I tired to pull him away again but he gambled some more, down to £100, I weakly made another attempt and failed again, it was all gone. He insisted that it was only £200 he lost, I don’t know if that’s true but he did vow to give up the vice altogether, I’m proud of him, you live, you learn, you fall, you break, you make mistakes and you’re still living, he’ll be better for this.
We then parted ways, it was 7pm, I didn’t get home until 10pm. I’ve suggested next time we just go to a coffee shop and talk, we didn’t get to do enough of that this time.
Regarding the pic of me below, the sweater is very chunky, it’s unflattering to my figure.
I woke up around an hour earlier than usual, at 7:30am, I headed to the train station and then grabbed a train to the city, I thought I’d avoid the rush at this time but I was wrong, it was as packed as ever, to get space on the train, I had to bang on the windows and shout “move down the aisle”, when I got onto the train, I could see people looking at me, laughing and smiling.
The reason I started travelling earlier than previous days is because today we had a group trip to York to see the warehouse there. Most people were travelling from the other station in the city but me and 3 others were meeting at this one, I got there the earliest so went to get lunch to kill time. When I got back, the Belgian-Pakistani, the Filipino woman and her partner, he shortly left, we chatted for a bit and then waited for our train. It was delayed, this was for the best as the African was almost late, he would have missed it if not for the delay. I touch his forehead and commented on the lack of sweat, joked that he should have run here.
We boarded the train and saw the other guys, I said I’d go find the trainer as he said he’d be seated in another coach and would have the seat reservations. It was a crowded service and I made my way to one end, I didn’t find him, so I tried walking back to my colleagues but the train was too crowded, I couldn’t get through them so I just sat down on the empty priority seat I found. It took a while to arrive, just over an hour, I listened to music on the way, it was nice to reconnect with Iron Maiden. The trainer did later find me towards the end of the journey to tell me that we’ll be getting off soon, also joked about me sitting as far away as possible from everyone else.
When we got into York it was freezing, we got in the taxis, one of them was a minibus and the other just a regular car. At the warehouse, we all had some time picking and packing orders, it was enjoyable, especially the packing. The guys I was partnered with were very friendly too, cool, chilled out and happy. Not too much happened here other than the trainer making several jokes about not liking me, other people picked up on this. It was quite comfy during break as there was a lot of conversation, I did struggle to keep it up at times but there was a lot of chatter and I enjoyed it. I also get on well with the African now, we have a laugh, he’s found the way to mock me that I find amusing.
When we were all done there, we took taxis back to the train station and thought about what to do next, me and the Filipino woman planned to check out the sights, particularly “The Shambles” before leaving, she was adamant about not drinking though. We roped in the two guys who departed from the same station as us and after some wrangling, everyone agreed to check out the city, for a bit anyway.
We saw the city walls and walked into the city centre, I had Google maps up but members of the group seemed to know the way. We had to stop at “New Look” because the Dutch woman needed new shoes. While waiting, I checked out a nearby store called the “Imaginarium”, just weird, cute stuff like boxes and magic lamps.
After she was done, we started walking though the city centre and quickly reached “The Shambles”, it’s an area used to inspire Diagon Alley from the Harry Potter series. We also checked out an ancient building by the name of “York Minister”, it was a large and the architecture was admirable.
Half the group then went into a pub, The Filipino woman, African and Belgian-Pakistani decided not to go in and instead walk a bit and leave. I’m not sure what exactly they did, I think they just went straight back to the train station, I did touch base with one of them over text later in the night.
I bought a “Cherries & Berries” drink and joined the remainder of the gang, I chatted quite a bit with the sarcastic guy as we were left along while the others smoked, we then went upstairs to join them since it was apparently warm there. There was a heater but I didn’t catch any of the rays. I mostly spent the night talking to one of the older guys, he’s a vegan, quite left wing. Also posts on reddit, showed me a post where he got over 1,000 upvotes. Learned about “heem” Iron, considering going vegan myself now. The Dutch woman gave her 38 year old boyfriend money before he kicked her out at 3am for allegedly cheating on him, he’s a piece of work but she should have been smarter.
We then had enough and left, went back to the train station and boarded our train. Fun was had here or at least laughter. A WhatsApp group was made and everyone posted memes/jokes, I found some stuff from the sarcastic guy quite offensive but didn’t outright call him racist, it would be awkward. They all think I am too loud and that I shout everything, I dispute this but they found it amusing, kept saying the whole train could hear me. In the group I posted a picture of Pepe as the Joker and the meme “What happens when you cross someone with severe social anxiety with a bunch of gits who keep telling them they speak to loud? You get what you FUCKING deserve”. The train ride really was full of laughs, just people posting stuff in the group chat despite all of us sitting right next to one another. The only bad incident was when I accidentally mentioned Brexit when the sarcastic guy said he’d make fun of the Dutch woman next.
We parted ways at the station, I think I had the longest trip to get home, the trains were delayed by 30 minutes to an hour so I just bought a bus ticket.
I regret not spending more time with these people/getting to know them better, it was good time for me, probably normal or not even notable for any of them but it was something different and by definition, special, for me, I don’t get experiences like this often or even ever.
Human Garbage 