The final countdown begins

Yesterday I woke just before 8:00am as I had a dentist appointment in the morning, I skipped breakfast since I assumed my mouth needed to be clean for the fillings I was about to receive. The process was painful, I don’t know if it’s supposed to be this bad or if it was just my South African dentist, I found it difficult to hold my mouth open for such long periods of time and my jaw was in severe pain. When I left, the top of my mouth was numb and I couldn’t move the muscles around my nose. At work, I skipped lunch, I was very low on energy throughout the day. Working weekends is miserable and I’ll be handing in my notice on Monday.

I don’t even know why I bother working harder than everyone else, no one appreciates it or even notices how many emails we do on the new system.

At home, I gave into the hunger and ate. Hope my filling are fine, they feel fine.

Went to sleep before 9pm and felt well rested and close to happiness for once.

Today was more pleasant, the guy who sits next to me is back from his holidays so I got to chat a little throughout the day. My voice was horse though due to not speaking much prior to this. Again, I’m sure I worked harder than everyone else. Guy who sits next to me likes TV shows, he watches a lot if stuff, even new sitcoms that haven’t finished their first season. Watched the World Cup final on my computer at my desk.

My brother visited home, I didn’t exchange words with him.

A homeless guy called me “darling”.

The end draws near

I was tired throughout the day and feel very much like I’ve given up at work despite still managing to be more productive than everyone else. The quirky guy called me out on my behaviour a few times, the first was when I avoided going on lunch at the same time as him and the other was when he said that I was being quiet. I couldn’t really help being quiet since he wasn’t talking to me but instead I just replied by saying I was busy with my work. He shared an interesting story about breaking the leg of a bully in high school, I called his actions revolting.

Some people looked at me funny and I didn’t like it, I don’t know if they are really angry with me and if so what I did to offend them. I don’t care much for their feelings but it bugs me.

Think Stacy might be getting trained on complaints. Not fair but can’t seeth as I’m leaving. Quirky guy is going to be on holiday for 2 weeks so I can’t sync my leaving date to a time when he’ll be here, disappointing, since, he’ll be the only person to care enough to say goodbye other than my manger. I’ll just have to write a nice leaving e-mail where I thank anyone who ever spoke to me.

The hours at home were filled with boredom, just played vidya, Monster Hunter and Rayman. I spoke to my mother twice, once when she asked about a letter I received, the second time she asked what I’d eaten.

What of those taken before their time?

Standard day off, played vidya, tried reading manga, went out for a takeaway, tidied my room a little, watched Netlfix, posted on 4chan, overate and spent almost the entire time confined to my bedroom.

When I took myself away from any of these distractions, even for a few seconds, my head with scream out in pain and fear. I find it impossible to exist without pacifying myself. I spent a minute or so marching in my room and muttering under my breath, fantasising about calling a guy at work a “fat cunt”.

The only thing out of the ordinary I did was listen to the start of the Hamilton soundtrack, I don’t see how it became so popular.

I stopped playing one video game because a character had the same name as a guy from work.

I guess I spent a lot of time thinking/fantasising today.

Just another paki

Work was dull, I’m exhausted, it doesn’t seem like I’ll be getting any time off. There were a few instances when I was asked for help and I awkwardly offered it, I knew the answers but I was answering more questions than those that were asked. The Polish woman hasn’t returned, quirky guy has revealed that she’s a hardcore homophobe and may be fired, she apparently spoke of the differences between British and Polish society and tolerance of homosexuality. Quirky guy suggested she may be racist. Our manager is going to put up a Pride flag above my desk during Pride week, Polish woman sits opposite me so that’ll be amusing.

Englands defeat to Croatia in the World Cup was enjoyable, I was actively rooting against them and was genuinely shocked and elated both times Croatia scored. I’ll be working this weekend but I may pull a sicky on Sunday to watch the final.

As before, I’m upset about not having any friends and that I have been unable to convert anyone from work into a friend. Whenever the quirky guy speaks to me, I feel insulted but I accept his pity because there’s nothing else on offer.

Once again a co-worker mistook me for one of the other pakis who work here. He’s a nice guy with whom I’ve shared several pleasant interactions, a listener responded with “oooooohh”, I shrugged it off and said that it’s not even the first time this week.

The slowest process

Quirky guy wasn’t in today and neither was the guy who sits next to me, I didn’t speak for most of the day so when I eventually had to my voice was deep and broken. I asked my manager about being paid for holidays I’ve accumulated and the notice period I need to give. Turns out it’s two weeks and my manager will arrange for me to be paid properly once I give her a leaving date.

At some point in the afternoon when I was feeling tired and gave up on doing any more work, I chose to check my mobile phone for any emails – there was one that caught my eye, it was from the other job I applied to, my first choice. It was an “offer package”, I’ll be getting just over £22,000 a year but the area I’ll be working in is not particularly appealing and I’m not sure I’ll be able to perform it well. There’s also another element at play, the job is in another city, it’s not too far away but it’s both exciting and terrifying. When I eventually told my mother she was against me accepting it since she feared I may get in trouble or become suicidal again. Also thinks I should buy a place and get a mortgage instead of renting, it’s ridiculous on so many levels, I tried explaining why renting is more appropriate to her but she wouldn’t understand and I became angry at her.

For about 30 minutes I worked on editing pepe’s and a smug anime girl onto my job offer letter. I then sent the pic over Microsoft Teams to the quirky guy, he’ll see it tomorrow. Also sent it to the guy who sits next to me, he’ll see it next week. My manager surely saw me, she walked passed. The call centre head spoke to me earlier in the day for the first time in months, he said he was “keeping me in the loop” regarding something I was dealing with and had to pass on to him. He made a point of how I hadn’t done anything wrong, followup from our previous interaction over email, I suspect.

At home I watched the football and was disappointed to see Belgium exit. Watched more GLOW too.

Overate at home but only because my mother bought me food after I’d already eaten.

Outed as a self-hating paki

I’m becoming both more frustrated at work and zen-like. There are customers who get on my nerves, who want to complain but I now have no problem just ignoring them for days before responding with “sorry for any disappointment caused”. The working portion of the day opened with me answering emails at a rapid pace, I found one type of email common today that was easy to answer so searched them out, within 3 hours I’d hit my daily target and at the end of the day I went near double, I’ll follow this up by doing below target tomorrow so everything balances out.

I didn’t talk to the quirky guy much, the only times we interacted were were the andro guy went on breaks.

There’s this woman at work who is pale, ginger, tats everywhere, stretched earlobes, nose piercings etc. skinny and looks good with all the heaps of makeup she wears, whenever she needs an email checking, she goes to the quirky guy and when she leaves, he always asks “would you?” and point out a flaw with her. I criticised her earlobe disc things but quirky guy revealed he has some small ones and that his gf has big ones along with face piercings. Might have offended him, I then admitted that she was attractive and that “I would”. He then suggested I ask for her number, I simply and quickly responded that we probably didn’t have anything in common. His reply confirmed my thoughts, “she might like guys with long hair” and “she might have a thing for serial killers”. The conversation then turned to serial killers and mass shooters. I brought up the Dunblane massacre, something he was unaware of.

He also suggested I get a metal t-shirt to go with my long hair.

The conversation made me slightly uncomfortable but annoyed more than anything else, why ask me about my opinions of the woman when she always asks HIM for help? I’m clearly repulsive to her in the most literal sense of the word. What was worse though was later in the day a qt came over to me to ask for help (search an email), she walked straight past him and towards me, she was literally standing right next to me when he chose to say “can I help?”, she looked confused, I looked away in disinterest as she walk back around to him. It was at least a difficult query that took several minutes to address, he didn’t seem to have a definite answer for her.

Andro guy went on lunch, this would be the point quirky guy would start talking to me, I don’t know if it’s out of pity or just that he loves to talk and I’m the only one around, possibly a bit of both, I wasn’t in the mood for it so went on lunch myself. Got a pasta under 400 calories again.

My manager still hasn’t responded to my holiday requests.

Quirky guy asked if I’d listened to any more music recently and rec’d Iron Maiden and Motorhead, I told him I hadn’t and that I was no longer interested in trying to get into music. This was a minor lie as I had listened to some Iron Maiden but not because of him.

At the end of the day he said a paki name and asked me who it belonged to in the office. I told to take a look around, the implication being that there are only around 4 paki males who work here and he knows the names of some so can use the process of elimination to figure out who it is. He was confused, I slightly explained, he said that was racist and that I had some weird internal racism thing going on, or something like that. I try to clarify by saying I wouldn’t have said this about any other race, meaning as a paki, I can be racist to other pakis. I’m surprised that he was so surprised, he acted as if he didn’t see race, I initially thought I came across as cool/funny.

I’ve written a lot about the quirky guy but that’s just because that’s the only variation of the working part of my day. I’m bored of him and we are not friends, there is no possibility of this.

At home I played one hunt on Monster Hunter and one level on Rayman Legends. I need to stop trying to search for fulfilment by buying vidya, should trying reading one of the magazines or manga I bought.

Bought some Bica.

Shopping Bug

I don’t know if it would be overly generous to say I made progress today or rather I’m being too harsh on myself. I left the house twice, the first was a trip to the train station to renew my season ticket, I’ve started buying weeklies instead of monthlies since I’m hoping to get next week off and to quit at the end of the month. The elderly gentleman at the counter tried to make conversation when I told him that I only wanted a week long ticket, he said “OK for some(!)”, I didn’t know how to respond, I forgot what I’d learned and should have just prattled on with the truth, just my work situation, it didn’t matter if he found it interesting.

I then went into town, only visited B&M bargains and the pound shop that’s closing down opposite it. I didn’t get a chance to look around as much as I’d like as there were staff members putting out stock in various areas, made me uncomfortable to think about going near them. I bought nothing and went home. My t-shirt was soaked through, the heat is unbearable, my face also seems to react with mild pain when sweating.

My calorie intake for the day was fine until I decided to head out for a take away, an Arizonas burger meal. I didn’t even particularly enjoy it, eating it was a chore, something to keep me occupied.

At home I cleared the clothes from the floor of my bedroom and washed what was unclean. Played some Monster Hunter, it seems like a game simple enough that I can drop in and out of it whenever I please. I pre-ordered Sonic Mania Plus, it was cheap and I’ll resell it as soon as I’m done which should be before the end of the month. Also pre-ordered Dragon Quest XI, £2 discount with Amazon Prime (free trials seem to be on offer due to Prime Day coming up), plus I got an extra £5 due to “topping up” £25 with them, literally free money and I also already had some gift cards due to my credit card rewards and other stuff. Still got £20 to blow.

The highlight of the day was watching UFC 226, I thought Miocic was boring so I enjoyed seeing DC defeat him. Hoping he beats Brock too since I know he’s mediocre fighter preying on a smaller opponent.

Death would be a mercy

There was no reason to believe today would be any different to all the other days off I’ve had. I stayed in my bedroom, only leaving to get food. Played Monster Hunter for a short while and spent the rest of the time posting on 4chan with the football in the background. I didn’t even accomplish basic tasks such as cleaning my bedroom or showering. For a few consecutive weekends I’ve wanted to go out into town to window shop but I’ve failed to do so again.

My mum bought me two Subway sandwiches, one chicken and one turkey. Monster Hunter still isn’t amazing but I can see myself getting caught up in it. I’m disappointed England would without any of the media calling them out on their easy route to the semi-finals. Watched GLOW season 2.

I made some “friends” on Pokemon GO, we’re exchanging gifts, it’s done without communicating though. The other positive of the day is that I epilated my legs.

Could just be the heat but I’m often feeling down and lost. I don’t know what to do with myself or even what to think about, I’m physically uncomfortable and mentally so too.

Pity Points

I think my social anxiety has now vanished, I’m not pushing myself but in the everyday situations that I encounter, I’m feeling “normal”, talking/responding is not an issue and there’s not even a lingering of that old feeling where I just can’t bring myself to open my mouth. I chatted to the same colleagues, nothing remarkable but I was happy talking to people. The one stand-out though is where I cam across as incredibly pathetic when in the natural flow of conversation I mentioned my birthday was “about a week ago”, the quirky guy asked why I didn’t tell anyone and if I did anything. I told him I didn’t because it was just another day to me. He did try asking if I went out for drinks but cut himself off and said “you wouldn’t, would you?”. At the end, he asked if I got any gifts, I tugged at the new plaid shirt I was wearing and when asked who bought it for me, I said “my mum”.

He thought my Birthday was last Sunday, the day he and andro guy went out.

The quirky guy already knows enough about me to know I’m a lonely and generally pitiful specimen, this won’t change his views much. All it now confirms is that I probably don’t have any friends if I spent my birthday alone. It doesn’t really change how I’ll interact with anyone else going forward either, it might make me more relaxed since I have less to hide.

I apparently look 24. Ashamed to reveal my true age.

Played some Pokemon GO, caught a few new Pokemon and arranged a dentist appointment.

I’m looking forward to the weekend, I have no plans, as usual, but I need time to unwind and recharge. Perhaps I’ll find inspiration and motivation to do something different on Sunday.

CTRL+Z

There have been some strongly worded comments on my blog which have left me fearful of the future, I am pleased with the changes HRT has made to my body and won’t be giving that up but I’ll be switching from Cypro to Bica soon in the hopes that my penis will function as normal again, I have accepted that I am probably sterile by now but I will make an attempt at behaving like a “normal” member of society again, this is not what I truly want but it’s time to be realistic.

Quirky guy and andro guy are friends again. Left work together. I had some laughs with the quirky guy and the guy who sits next to me who I’ve befriended, such as today when I provided my opinions on the Grenfell tower, but it had run its course. Conversations were becoming dryer. I’ve got the guy who sits next to me so I won’t be alone or too down at work, he’s more similar to me anyway.

My manager asked about when I was leaving, I agreed that it was still the end of the month. I feel this may impact my request for holidays or the responsibilities I’m given until I leave. Bit worried I might be forced out sooner than I’d like in order to save face.