The right decision

Day off, spent playing Persona 5 again, I’m delaying the ending in order to grind money/exp for the platinum trophy. I did step out shortly to renew my season ticket and return some Amazon clothes in the wrong size. I had a painful exchange with the man at the ticketing desk, he was just trying to be helpful by relaying information on the strike and I was slow to understand the implications so I was aggressive, I questioned why he was telling me this.

At home my mother bought me a cake and stuck up some “congratulations” banners in order to celebrate my new job, it’s nice that she’s making an effort and trying to express love but this would have meant more to me if I was still a child. She gifted me a photo album, pics from my youth mostly, the earlier pictures made me upset, I wondered about the hopes of those around me and how I’ve disappointed them, also seeing my mother and other family when they were younger saddens me, I can only imagine they’ve experienced similar misery to myself.

The images of an older me were just repulsive, I was clearly overweight and had facial hair. Short hair in all pics was also triggering. There was one recent picture of me and it confirmed that I’m much happier with the new/real me. I should start dieting again though. No more lunch, no excuses.

Bought some Converse trainers (Chuck, All-Star, Oxford).

Dragonball Xenoverse 2 should be my next game but I won’t buy it anytime soon.

Moving up

Unfortunately I wasn’t able to avoid talking to people today. I felt self conscious from the start since my Sketchers are far bulkier than my Vans, it’s not appropriate to wear slim fit jeans with them. I’m pretty sure I got some funny looks.

The quirky guy spoke to me a few times and I played with my hair like a slut. I’m not attracted to him, I just like fiddling with stuff when I’m nervous or uncomfortable. Towards the end of the day the new head of emails asked to speak to me, it took me a minute to remember who he was, we sat down in a small room, it was impossible to even feign eye contact so at first I looked to his far left, at a wall and then his crotch, I hope he understands this is just a social anxiety thing. He wanted to see me to let me know my application for the job had been successful.

Quirky guy asked if I got the job, I stuck up two thumbs and smiled. I felt guilt and sympathy as I believe everyone else who applied wanted the job more, they’ve all been around longer than me, they’re older. I still feel awful for taking this opportunity. Turns out the quirky guy also got a or the job, neither of us were given much more in the way of details. We chatted a little but I didn’t really want to since it’s too distracting from my work, also the guilt and general social anxiety.

I borrowed the Ben of the older guy sitting next to me and left it elsewhere, I did get him a replacement but he wanted his own back. I got up and retrieved it, all were amused. My manager asked if I was OK, not sure why, I’m suspicious my previous manager told people I was on antidepressants.

During lunch I awkwardly sat next to the little guy I spoke to a few times, couldn’t get more than one line off, just sat near him awkwardly.

At the end of the day I offered my headset to a fellow paki, always nice to help. I felt the quirky guy and tall guy were being overly mean about his name even though he was laughing along.

Ate poorly.

Getting closer to finishing Persona 5. Tomorrow might be the day.

Baby steps

Today was a work day, it was incredibly bearable since I was on emails, most of the time. Didn’t speak to anyone apart from a few work related exceptions. I had a humorous exchange with my manager about a customer who wouldn’t tell me what there issue was, he emailed me back to mock them but I wasn’t sure if I should respond or how.

My Sketchers arrived, very masculine looking and not as comfy as womens Sketchers. Should have just bought another pair of Vans, I need Converse too and a green parka.

I’m getting closer to moving out, there are places I could live alone in Rochdale for £300/month plus they’re close to the train station, only problem is that it’s too close to my parents place, I would feel silly relocating such a small distance.

Still overeating.

Will be out of E soon. Placed a £160 order for 6 months supply but it won’t arrive soon enough.

Confidence status: shattered

I played Persona 5 some more, pleased to see one of the trickier trophies pop.

At around 4pm I left home to meet my Sisters in Manchester to watch “War for the Planet of the Apes”, they’d been in the city for hours since they made a day of it, just finished a meal, I was invited along but I feel uncomfortable eating out, just wanted to watch a film. Pre-booked the tickets so minimal human interaction with anyone but those who I was already relaxed around.

The screen was small, only 11 rows in the room, we chose to sit 4 rows up, a good view but with the room so small it’s hard to have a bad one. No one sat in front of us. Saw a young adult paki male with who I’ll assume was his mother, wore a headscarf, sat a row in front but to the side, I felt they were unhappy, I hope I’m wrong. While watching the film I felt like the protagonist of Persona 5 as he could use his free time to watch films, I want to live a life more like his, maybe start reading books, making friends and exploring. Considering finding an indy cinema, would make me feel cool.

The film itself was disappointing, the ending was poorly executed, it raised questions due to glaring flaws such as why the bad guys base had giant flammable and explosive canisters or how Ceaser walked days with a mortal wound without anyone noticing. I also distracted myself heavily by trying to view everything through the lens of race (apes are blacks, humans are whites, white gorilla is mixed race, traitor apes are house negros and the little white girl is a coalburner.

Train home was full of normies getting back from festivals and Manchester pride.

At home I stuffed my face again. My mum asked if I was still seeing my doctor, suggested I needed help with my mental health, worried I’ll do something stupid, mostly her problem was with me being quick to anger and the things I say. I was annoyed by this, suggested she was the one who needed help since her life is so shallow she creates drama. Called her a bitch, a cunt, stupid and jokingly said I’d kill her.

Desperately need to buy more Estrogen, I had no idea I was running low. Even dropping to 4mg a month won’t cut it until the new batch arrives.

Before leaving the house today I considered just wearing a T-shirt but I couldn’t bring myself to bear my self harm scars even to strangers I’ll never speak to or see again.

Vidya is my cancer

Played Persona 5 all day again, going to sleep now at 3am. I could’ve finished the story but I chose to grind trophies across multiple saves instead.

Might finally watch “War for the Planet of the Apes” tomorrow.

Cleaned my room a little but I just placed my unclean clothes into neat piles.

Vidya: Fun or Purpose?

I played Persona 5, that’s it. I went for around 12 hours. I hope I can finish my first playthrough this bank holiday, worried about missing trophies.

Still eating badly.

One of my enemies from work left, forgot to mention that yesterday, makes it easier to let go of the grudge.

Watched the Summerslam main events, the fatal four way was fun.

Still arguing with my sister.

Tricksy little hobbits’s

I’m beginning to enjoy work more now that I’m regularly talking to people, the quirky guy and I talked about Lord of the Rings, TCGs and Marvel. He kept suggesting interests though, I should ask what he’s into, or not since he’s obviously trying to social engineer me into giving up my secrets. I think he has some disorder, I enjoy talking to him but I am genuinely and quite clearly trying to get on with my work, though it’s true I also try to retreat from a conversation when I have little to say, maybe I’m using this as an excuse.

I think he keeps suggesting I’m gay, asking if Manchester Pride was my scene or Russell Brand my type. Mentioned meeting a trans person too.

The tall guy and I enjoyed a good amount of chatter travelling back from work, it couldn’t have gone much better, should try getting off the topic of work but I refuse to talk about his kids. Bit weird when he clearly chose to leave me for a seat though, I avoid him plenty and wanted some space but it was just too obvious.

The decision on the emails job has been delayed until next week, bit worrying since from my analysis and observations I should be the clear front runner.

Still eating badly, drank orange juice though.

Burned out after this week.

Watched a 30 for 30 documentary on Evander Holyfield and I had a morning argument with my sisters about playing vidya.

Snowflake

The day dragged, I chatted a little with the quirky guy, I spat out a cringey line about hating much, crowds and people. He kept saying he used to be like me, I couldn’t take it anymore and called him a normie, the guy had a gf, keeps calling her by name, is going to some kind of Final Fantasy party and thinks he’s a nerd because he plays FF and Pokemon. At least I know he doesn’t post on 4chan. I’m coming across as such a freak but at least I’m saying what’s on my mind.

I had a bad call just before the end of my shift, ended up leaving 10 minutes late but at least he’s not getting what he wants plus I might troll him a little since I have contact details.

Still eating badly.

My sister attacked me for not doing anything with my free time other than playing vidya.

The tall guy initiated conversation a few times, I tried but no common ground.

Feeling very burned out.

Felt pretty cool when I played an inpromptu game of noughts and crosses while a colleague was on the phone (other tall guy)

New Record: 5 Social Interactions

I played Persona 5 before work again, struggling a little with the 5th Palace boss. On the way to work I encountered a work colleague, he initiated, we spoke a few times before but very shortly and unremarkably but this time we were able to hold a conversation for around 10 minutes, just talking about work. When we got into the building we chatted a little more, he mentioned he had a stepdaughter, played the lottery but didn’t watch much TV or vidya. Not much to go on, he dislikes Mrs Browns Boys, I pretended to hate it too.

During the first 4 hours at work I was put on emails. It seems the others who applied for the emails job were too, so the assessment may be secretly continuing.

The quirky guy and his tall pal were quizzing me on why I was expelled from uni, it’s unsettling he has shared this information. I quite like the attention but I am worried about him constantly asking me for details and insisting he will find out. I explained I only told him because I realised I was being a dick for suggesting he was thick. I got a laugh here from the tall one. All I said was that the explosion wasn’t academic, didn’t want people thinking I’m unintelligent or a cheat. I had a 5-10 minute conversation with him later in the day about Pokemon, he was surprised I actually played, even though he noted I wore a Pokemon T-shirt yesterday. I think I gave fair account of myself but I could have done better especially when comparing gen 5 pokemon to gen 1 pokemon. We had some stuff in common, both aware of the cloning glitch in Gold/Silver but he had friends to trade with.

I chatted a little throughout the day to the older guy to my right, he’s still pretty funny. 

During Lunch I don’t remember interacting with anyone, need to stop eating through.

During the final break of the day, I spoke to the tall guy again, after he left it was the little guy (about work) and then the trans person sat near us so I bravely brought them into the conversation, I asked if they had any stories on the topic, easy. The conversation flowed well but I felt like I was looking into a conversation between two people and I wasn’t part of it. My interjections may have been desperate and unwanted, I can’t remember well enough to judge, I think I may have not participated much.

A call escalated, a woman I rarely needed to interact with took it, she was cool. Chatted a little afterwards about the call. The guys on the planning department were pretty funny too, made a joke about telling a customer to fuck off, I forgot to laugh and did the stupid thing were I sound like I’m making a joke in response.

Watched “The State” at home, disgusting stuff.

This is stalker-ish, I am aware

I woke up early for my “interview”, put on a shirt and trousers, had them ironed and then walked out the door. My travel was delayed by around 20 minutes so I was guaranteed to arrive late, tried running but I couldn’t manage, ended up 5 minutes late and almost vomiting. My feet also hurt, bought some £50 men’s Sketchers today.

The interview was actually an assessment, myself and 4 other people had to answer 13 mock emails within 45 minutes. I’m sure I killed it and I know the a couple of the others screwed up because they only ever took the easy queries. The quirky guy spoke to me a little before and after, pointing out my contradiction from when I earlier stated I wasn’t going for this gig.

I loitered for an hour before the start of my shift.

Still getting unpleasant calls. Todays highlight was when someone incorrectly stated my name, I responded by repeatedly calling him Jamal. Not even a black guy. 

My manager is still cool, had a few interactions with colleagues while waiting to speak to him. Randomly made a remark to the trans person despite earlier in the break room being too cowardly to initiate even though the difficult calls we’re currently getting would make a perfect icebreaker. They also seemed to mirror my lunch habits today (the what and where). Avoided.

The guy who used to bully me is really cool now, friendly and makes jokes.

Realised I can download Netflix shows to my phone to watch offline.