How things are going

The defining event of my November was a work outing, it was arranged by my manager, she seems to be socially anxious much like myself so I respected that she was attempting to arrange this but I found the idea uncomfortable, I’d much rather hide at home with my hot water bottle. On the other hand though, I understand social conventions enough to know how rude it would be to decline. I went along, even paying a fee to book a slot at the bowling since it wasn’t covered by work. Anyway the night was OK but I feel like I came across like the clueless freak that I am, this whole thing isn’t my scene and I can’t force it by placing myself in these situations over and over, it just isn’t in me. We went bowling and went pub crawling. I think people assumed I might be more interesting but I proved to them that I am not.

December, was Christmas, or so I hear, I did not celebrate it. I suppose for the most part the cycle of my existence is currently spending 4 days at work and then with my time off I play video games and buy things for my house, I have quite a lot of furnishings now and even a soundbar plus subwoofer for my TV, a real pointless item because I’m just looking for anything to drop my expendable income on. I think I buy one new furnishing every week.

More to be added later, don’t trust wordpress to save draft

3 Months in 3 Minutes

First off, regarding my new job, I’m getting along with it OK, I can’t watch YouTube and Netflix all day like I used to but I prefer to have something to do, though even now there are down periods, I think I am stealing a wage still, I don’t deserve to be earning a salary of over £2k a month. I think I am a bit underskilled and incapable of learning, I don’t really understand the rules, options on the system or how to investigate things but I will ride this as long as I can.

My coworker is from Zimbabwe, he’s very patient with me and friendly, he understands the struggle, we’ve never spoken on the topic of race but I think he gets it. I paid my mum to make some samosas and gifted them to him, said I made them myself, it’s because he said he had them as a youth in Zimbabwe and was paying £1 a pop for them at the Chinese takeaway. He trained me at the job and through him I’ve learned about the history of Zimbabwe, such as Great Zimbabwe.

I had an eye opening experience several months ago and haven’t been able to shake it, walking passed the local Pakistani sweets shop or “matai” shop, I saw a Pakistani father with his disabled son in a wheelchair and he smiled at him, spoke to him with kindness and I could feel his love, it makes me think that the Pakistani soul is capable of love, it’s just that I’ve encountered the worst of the bunch during my existence. It also makes me wonder though, why is it that the good Pakistanis struggle but the evil ones thrive? It doesn’t seem fair.

I have bought a house and moved in, my youngest sisters and my uncle gave me car rides to help me move stuff, I’ve dressed up the house mostly, there’s a run in the living room, a sideboard, sofa, TV. The only issue is the smell from the bedroom, I find myself just sleeping on the sofa in the bed, it’s where all my stuff is so going to my bedroom just seems unnecessary. I spend my days being comfy, watching stuff on streaming platforms and playing PS5. My dad doesn’t know where I live and he’s trying to find out, I don’t see any reason he needs to know where I live so I’ve refused to tell him.

I recently had 12 days off from work, that’s the beauty of 4 on 4 off, book 4 days off and get a 12 day long holiday. During my time off, I went to me cousin’s wedding and ComicCon with my friends. I found going to the wedding annoying since I didn’t get along with my cousin, this part of the wedding is the Walima, the grooms family arranges this part, it’s the essentially the reception. We got in at 7pm and left around 10:30pm. It was the usual fare except that there were only the usual 20 members of my family. So we were bored, we were just seeing the people we see every day, no extended family. Another cousin has a young child, under 2 years old and I feel like her siblings treat him like a toy, they take turns playing with him, I guess it’s because he’s too young to tell them anything they don’t want to hear, he’s like a pet, I think he’s going to be disappointed when he starts growing and these aunts and uncles become more distant. My sister also has a baby, she’s addicted to attention and keeps making everything about her and the baby.

As for ComicCon, the train journey there was fine, 3 hours, not much better than the 5+ on the coach, there was one young Pakistani woman talking to some Chinese like they were aliens and she hadn’t bought a ticket, she had no idea how expensive tickets between Manchester and London could be, I felt sorry for her at first but then it became apparent that she just hadn’t bought a ticket and thought she’d get away with it.

I met up my pals around 12pm, Shutin had gotten 1% larger and to be fair to him, he carries the size well, Andrew has embraced his baldness and to be fair to him, it suits him well, Oseph, has grown a goatee and mustache, it also suits him well, I’d say he’s the most handsome of the bunch, like an actor, he can also be mistaken for any race, apart from black, Zoomer later joined us, he looked as hapa as always but much skinnier.

We weaved through the barriers before being able to enter the venue, it was full of the most hideous and lazy trannoids I’d ever seen, I didn’t even know such creatures existed. For the first 30 minutes we stuck together, checking out stalls and splitting up, getting lost and then finding each other again but it became obvious that it would be better to split up so we could check out what we wanted to and wander around the stalls at our own pace. I didn’t really know what I wanted to find, nothing really leapt out at me, there was manga for sale, action figures, model kits, vintage video games, plastic swords. If I’m honest, I didn’t make the most of it, I didn’t ask what the stalls where about, like there were trading card and video games ones but I didn’t ask if I could be taught to play or take a turn on the game. I met up with Oseph later on and we queued to get some food but then I realised the “Ghosts” panel was starting soon, the highlight of the event for me, a panel featuring the stars of my favourite show, Horrible Histories, they do a new show, Ghosts, now. To cut the story short, I queued up to go into the wrong tent and ended up watching some Cosplay instead, it was crap, the worst part was that while I was queuing, some guy asked me what I was in a queue for, I told him about the show and people around me heard and didn’t correct me, I still feel embarrassed thinking back to it, it was awful.

I met back up with the crew at 3.30pm, we hung for a while, I wondered around and felt like people were staring at me because I was retreading the same ground, during the final hour, I went into the tent to watch 2 episodes of My Hero Academia. We all then left together and I insisted upon a Pakistani meal, we went to the Pakistani run district of Whitechapel to find a suitable venue, I spotted many but Shutin knew the area well and insisted upon one of his regular haunts. To be fair, it was a fancy looking place, 3 floors and clean. I didn’t recognise much on the menu and the prices were higher than expected, I was interested in finding out what everyone’s spice tolerances were.

I got a chicken biryani because it was reasonably priced and one of the things on the menu I recognised. Oseph got a chicken tikka and thought it too spicy, quite disappointed in him, Zoomer also found his food too spicy and opened up a £3 bottle of water. Andrew and Shutin, I already knew could handle the heat. I did embarrass myself a little when I burned myself on a hot black dish, I thought it was styrofoam container, it seems dangerous to place boiling on metallic dishes on the table with customers. To biggest surprise of all though was that Shutin paid for the meal, for all of us, it came to over £100, it was shocking, not even my own family would pay for a meal for me. They would get takeaway for everyone except me and not feel a shred of guilt. This really is one of the kindest things someone has done for me in a long time, I think the last time someone did something similar was Shippy paying for us to check out the tower in Oxford or my manager was work forgiving a 50p debt (though I insisted of paying).

Below is a link for the website of Oseph where creates original content

https://oseph.net/

European you will pay! This will be your judgement day!

Since my last entry, I have started my new job role, 4 on 4 off is absolute bliss and the job is manageable but I have much to learn, I feel like I would be more comfortable at this job if I had secured it via the normal means instead of through a co-worker, I feel like the standards are higher but it also raises the question of how was I ever supposed to get a job like this through the normal means? I am attempting conversation with coworkers and learning, nothing remarkable has occured yet, I’ve only worked 3 shifts so far.

In my personal life, I haven’t had any video games to sink my teeth into so have been spending quite a few £ and hours searching for and buying cards from the new Magic the Gathering/Lord of the Rings set. I’ve gotten myself into a bit of an awkward spot, I’ve bought some extra cards thinking I could sell them on for a quick and small profit but I’ve failed to do that and now seem a bit stuck with them. I’ve listed them on eBay and hopefully they’ll get sold without me noticing. My credit card debt is around £1400 but only £400 of that I Magic cards, not sure how it’s gotten so high.

Next driving test is September.

I’ve not had any meetings with friends other than Shippy flying through town and us chilling for half and hour while eating chips but I fully expect things to improve with my new 4 on 4 off schedule.

My house purchase was supposed to be completed by the end of the month but I haven’t heard anything in since around the start of the month.

I have decided that my favourite film of all time is “Four Lions”, I can watch it once a week without issue, even now I am noticing more details and better understanding the film and characters.

The saga of redundancy

About a month ago, I think it may have been in the same week as my previous blog post, I was notified that changed were taking place at the company I work at and that my role was becoming redundant, I wasn’t mad, I do very little and have stolen a wage for a long time but as time passed, I felt I should get what I could put of the situation as I have been employed for over 2 years but this pestered out to, I was holding my cards close to my chest and building a case for an employment tribunal but a manager in another department on my shift offered me a new role, £30,000 a year, 4 on 4 off and still working nights. It is more challenging and it’s been a while since I had to learn something, I will have to get my brain into gear. I was pretty much given the job as a favour it out of pity, however you want to look at it, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

My house purchase is progressing nicely. I am weighing up whether or not to conduct a survey again, the house looks in great shape.

I went to Sheffield with my friend, Shout, to watch a television taping for the new show Gladiators. It took a very long time but it was a new experience and I generally enjoyed the day out. We got to see Sir Bradley Walsh do his Donald Trump impression and a Pakistani win a contest of athletics. We had donner for dinner.

Yesterday, when walking back from work, my mother caught me talking to myself and making had gestures, I was aware it was something I did but I didn’t realise it was that obvious. I played it off as a joke but she is concerned.

A guy I get along with at work moved to another department, I gave him some Lucozade Orange and Bounty chocolates as a leaving gift. We had a takeaway meal too, it was Chinese, I think it’s outrageous that they can charge such high prices, I ordered a red Thai curry but didn’t buy rice separately so I just had the soupy curry with meat and veg floating within.

I’m sure there is more from the last month but it’s hard to recall, on day I got the bus, the young Pakistani in front of me asked for a child ticket but the bus driver insisted on ID and he paid for an adult ticket instead. I then shouted at the driver, he wanted me to say “please” and I called him out on his behaviour and made him feel uncomfortable, quite the win for me.

Still trying, still optimistic

I once heard that pigeons are able to fly away as danger is approaching because they view time differently, it’s as if they are living a few seconds in the future. Something similar seems to have happened to me, time condenses around me, I love for the weekend but it flies by, much like the pigeon, the weekend can see me coming.

I took a driving test and went in with heaps of confidence but alas, the wheels fell off around 5 minutes in. The first mistake was at the traffic lights, I didn’t notice the filter arrow and instead sat staring at the red light until I was honked at, I didn’t fail here but should have, the next troubling part was performing the forward bay park, I used a shunt to get into the box but it was messy, I failed the test when I missed a give way line coming out of the car park. There were a total of 2 dangerous errors, 2 serious errors and 13 minor errors. I was disappointed but still believe I will pass in the future, my instructor got me another test on next week, it’s short notice but if I keep trying, I’ll get it eventually.

At work, I was eating my favourite meal, brown rice, a coworker asked what the meal was, I was hesitant to say it was “brown rice” as I’ve been mocked for it in the past, he called it pilau rice, I said it had chicken in it, he then said it was a biryani, I wonder if he is right, I bought a sachet of biryani mix at ASDA and will find out at a future date.

I bought tickets for AEW at Wembley stadium, it will be my second time there but I wasn’t able to get good tickets, they are cheap though, so it will be nice to at least be there, I don’t think I’ll be able to see anything, I’m going to be on the pitch, right at the back, basically a standing ticket.

Hogwarts Legacy was a very enjoyable game, I’m currently playing Resident Evil 4, the trick to playing these hot new games close to release without breaking the bank is to buy second hand copies on eBay from MusicMagpie and the like and then returning them for a refund within the returns period.

The house buying front is a bit of a mess, I had an offer accepted, arranged a survey, got a solicitor and started my mortgage process is good time but it turned out the place had damp and the bank wouldn’t provide a valuation due to this. I pulled out and the solicitor said I didn’t owe them any money but the survey cost is but over £400. Fortunately though, I had another offer accepted the same week, it’s a freehold, very well kept, close to work but it’s very small, I think I could be comfortable there. It’s a shame though the mortgage rates have risen again, around 4.25% now. I’d be getting a mortgage of around £60,000.

I rarely see my father anymore, almost never in the house, sometimes on the street as I’m going to work, he offers to give me a life to work, I decline.

I’m gonna call it a minor win

I spilled Coke Zero on my laptop again so I haven’t been able to use my keyboard, have to use the on screen keyboard, this has made posting blog updates near impossible, I’m currently posting via my phone but even that is a challenge given how quickly my battery runs out.

About a month ago, I was on the bus to work, it was a Friday night, I was shocked by the vast numbers of underage teenage girls getting on at 9pm, it’s absurd how far as a society we’ve fallen but it’s the hypocrisy that gets me, loads of 13 year old drunk girls in skimpy clothing coming back from a night on the town and yet somehow they’re the victim according to the media.

While on the bus, I also so a driver speed passed my bus and server around traffic only to crash, the driver was white, car was stolen and he ran off when the driver came to help him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he got away with it, the police only seem to care about crime when the alleged criminal is Pakistani. I’ll post a couple of pics below.

There’s a new guy at work, he’s 28 and reminds me of the quirky guy, he likes Magic the Gathering, wrestling, MMA, can’t drive, is quiet, is decent looking and well dressed. We can chat for over an hour at times. Though there are days when we haven’t spoken at all, I think it’s because I don’t want to risk having a bad interaction with him, recently he’s also sat next to my Polish co-worker, a row away from me, too far to communicate with him. It may be for the best, his reaction to me showing him black Aragorn from the new MTG Lord of the Rings set was concerning, he gave me a look.

I’ve been watching “You”, I can see why people kept recommending it to me, the main character is basically who is was about 10 years ago, and in the last season when he compartmentalised parts of his personality, is me now, I guess. I think my personalities are Poleaboo, the malicious sprite, Monica White, the sassy queen and Amrit Singh, the dimwitted Pakistani jester.

I’ve continued my house hunt, I think some places have blacklisted me or just don’t want Pakistanis buying property in the area, I resorted to look up some fixer uppers, they’re not exactly cheap, only a slight discount on a ready to move in one. I’ve got my eye on one this week but it’ll surely go over the asking price but got to be in it to win it. The worst experience I had so far was when the estate agent followed me around the house as if I was just some random person that walked in off the street.

The big story of the last month is that while I was at work, this one guy, been friendly with me since I started, very loud, been working at the company for 19 years, in his 50s, always says hello to me or at least he used to. The guy came into my office, music was playing in the background on the TV, he changed the channel to BBC Asian Network and went “dingi dingi dingi” and didn’t a Pakistani accent, I asked him to stop, he did it again and then said it sounded like a taxi in here and left, there were a few more details such as him trying to fish for reactions from my co-workers but it doesn’t matter, I put in a complaint to HR and my manager and he was immediately suspended and I believe may have been terminated from the company, I heard he works elsewhere now, might have just quit. I got an email from HR confirming they believe my take on the events, so I’m mulling over taking it to a tribunal to see if I can get some money for my pain and suffering, I’ve read stories online and this seems very similar, I’d settle for 50K. I feel like some coworker’s are annoyed at me but I enjoy the peace and quiet. Besides, I did feel some guilt at first but no one cares when my friend, the ginger guy got snitched on and fired so why should I care that their friend got fired and sure the guy was nice to me but he was still a racist and I don’t want to be “one of the good ones”, I don’t want or need the approval of people like that, he was a racist before meeting me and he’s probably even more of a racist now, except now he has to live with a Pakistani actually getting one over on him.

It’s fitting that my birth sign is Cancer

My cousin got married recently, first there was a family get together, one of my sister’s texted me about it, no one bothered to tell me she was even getting married. It was a nice little event and I made some decent attempts to have conversation, the problem that limits me is that when it’s just my family around I can go on rants about race but when my brother’s wife, sister’s husband and cousins fiance are about, I’m expected to behave. I suppose the conversational highlight for me was when I brought up my business idea, they didn’t like it but it got engagement.

The actual wedding was a nice enough day on the surface but I resented my sister’s husband for being a main character, everyone loves him, he was very helpful and the centre of attention, he was also pleasant to me. I spent the day sitting at the back, waiting for the clock to tick down and insulting my dad, I spent some time chatting to my uncle who too was sidelined. It would have been fine if the group was larger but we were fragmented into those getting involved and those not. There was dancing at the end of the night, I always get jealous seeing them, I wish I could dance but no one in my family ever has, there seems to be a class divide in the Pakistani community, those that dance and those that don’t. My family believes that the lower Pakistanis dance or at least that was the case, it seems once again, we have been left behind.

I was tired at the end of the wedding, I wanted to go home, I had worked last night and not gotten any sleep, but it seems we were instead having a get together for my cousin at another cousin’s house. I was not in a good mood but I did try, I really did try to make and get involved in conversation, my attempts were all busts though, the worst one was when I was really reaching, there was a woman with an expensive Gucci purse at the wedding and I asked the groom who on his family earns so much money to buy that and the response from everyone was that it’s not that big of a deal. My brother was there too, I get along well with him, he understands me, he has tolerances for me, I saw him outside bringing gift hampers in to the house from his car, after we all saw him through the window, I joked that we should wait for him to get into the house and ask if there’s more he needs help with but he stopped at the entrance and went back and then I joked haha I guess there’s one more but then we he went back the third time and I made the joke again my sister got mad at me, told me to help and I said “Why don’t you fucking help”, she explained why she couldn’t and it momentarily killed the mood, my sister’s husband and my brother’s wife were clearly mad at me. When my brother got back in, I did my joke about how we would have helped and he made a joke in return, why can’t everyone be like him? After another hour or two, my mother suggested I go home and my brother offered to give me a lift since it was raining.

Work stuff is fine and uneventful, I’ve almost hit the 2 year mark where they can’t fire me, I also got my payslips and have a house viewing on Tuesday, I think it’s the one, I went to see another earlier in the week but was out off my the amount of work required to make it liveable, my other uncle suggests I get a cheaper house and spend the £20k+ fixing the place up how I want.

Yesterday at work, on the way home I saw a guy looking for the “reception” it was his first day and that’s where he was told to go, we don’t really have a reception so instead I asked if he had a name, someone he was meant to meet, I tried to help finding the guy until he gave me an alternate name “Alan” I went to guy who worked in the department and asked if he could help, he could but then I realised me mistake, the man hadn’t said “Alan”, he said “Adam” and that was the name of the guy who I brought him too, a very nice guy who spoke to me before, now he thinks I don’t know his name.

As far as video games go, I played “The Devil in Me” and enjoyed it, I bought The Quarry but had to immediately sell it because it’s coming onto Playstation Extra next week, I also made about a £5 profit buying a bundle of games and selling them separately. I do not recommend One Piece Odyssey.

My plans for the future are to buy a house and go from there, once I have my own place I can start my own business, sing, learn to dance and everything else.

Guilt, haven’t felt that in a long time

The guy I mentioned last time, the one who gives me rides home from work, also known as the Ginger Viking, that name popped up on this car screen, I believe the name comes from his hair colour and the fact he has a beard. Anyway, what I was going to get into is that he offered to give me a ride home again on Wednesday, I gladly accepted, he always drops me off at ASDA, it’s close to my home and at this point it would be awkward to ask him to drop me off at a specific location, he’s already doing me enough of a favour. I believe it as on the Wednesday that his car boot was open, the homeless people that sit by the ASDA entrance pointed it out and I alerted the Viking, I then gave the homeless people a £10 note as a thank you for their good deed.

On the Thursday, I noticed Captain Candy and another co-worker discussing something about catching an act on CCTV so it can be reported to higher authority, I didn’t completely understand but it was clear they meant to catch out the Ginger Viking, I know the other co-worker and he do not get along, he was very angry when the Viking walked out early into his shift last Friday night. I didn’t say anything though, I didn’t want to make trouble when it might just fade away. I was wrong, the following day it was revealed he had been suspended from work for not adhering to company protocol, I’m sure it’s not uncommon what he does but normally you don’t have to watch out over your shoulder for someone grassing you up. I now feel guilty and distressed, I hope with all my heart that he does not kill himself, he told me that he also had debts, I hadn’t yet queried the nature or size but this cannot be good for his mental health. The co-worker who grassed him up has always been nice to me so it’s hard to be angry at him.

I have no more PlayStation games to play, there are ones I want to dig into but their prices are still too high, even second hand, God of War Ragnarok being the big example, I’d also rather play it when I have my own house and can buy a big TV screen again. I settled for waddling through Pokemon Violet, it feels very slow, mechanically speaking, everything takes too long to do, I only have one gym badge but I have caught 75 different Pokemon. The Last of Us TV show is OK, so is the Glass Onion film,

I hope he’s OK

No entry in 2 weeks should be a crime, I have slightly interesting social interactions to record. The week before last, I had some kind of food poisoning, couldn’t eat comfortably for around 4 days but it didn’t stop me from stuffing my face, over the weekend I played “Final Fantasy Crisis Core” and eventually got the platinum trophy

The following week however, I continued to receive occasional lifts home from the guy at work, he is ginger and born in the same town as I. He recently shaved his distinct beard, many at work asked him about it but he just told them he felt like a change, a bit like me and my hair, but he confided in me that the real reason is because he was feeling suicidal and a friend introduced him to a help group who helped him come to the conclusion that he should shave his beard because during the worst times of his life he had the beard, he says it hasn’t helped, I suggested he also try buying some fancy expensive clothes to feel better.

The following day, we rode back again and he said that he doesn’t like Mumble Rap music, you can’t actually understand what they’re saying with the exception of a few words such a “nigger”, I tried to alleviate the tension by saying I also didn’t like rap music but he went the other way and said there is some rap music he likes. The day after, he did not give me a lift home. He has had some troubles at work and he walked out the next day, he was frustrated at not being given working tools for the job. Captain Candy grassed him up at the end of the shift and his co-workers were angry with him.

The former social worker who took the time to give me a 30 minute speech some months ago, also got into some trouble, he got into a fight with a co-worker, I suspect the co-worker was being racist and condescending but Captain Candy reported him for his behaviour too. The Captain recently became shift supervisor and I fear this will corrupt him.

The next weekend I played “House of Ashes”, I’m once again running out of games to play, I am not prepared to pay full price.

A wild gamer appears!

Only 3 days at work this week, I’m going to share more about my working life this entry. There’s someone who is supposed to do the same job as me on days, I used to think I was treated as a special needs case who just dealt with paperwork and he then cleaned up and I was partially right, he does the cleaning up because he works on days, he can be chased up, I can just ignore everyone. He’s also a lazy twat, he had a reputation for disappearing for hours once the managers left, that was until he was caught masturbating in the bathroom, apparently his wife was on zoom with him. I assume he also masturbates to YuGiOh cards as on his desk he has a picture of his wife with a YuGiOh card slotted in the corner. I make sure to leave him work now and aim to spend an average of 3 hours per shift not working.

Of the new people I work with, one of them has been here for 7 months but has just switched from nights to days. He’s a young gamer, I think I could have bonded with him but missed the boat, repeatedly, he asked the room if anyone else played “Set for Life”, it’s a lottery, I didn’t say anything, he’s a PC gamer, bit of a divide between that and PS5, I didn’t build on the conversation to ask which games he plays. He isn’t just a gamer though, he follows football and seems to know it well, the room is always full with football banter, bit resentful too because there’s a video game I’ve been meaning to work into conversation since starting here because it would interest people but he got in there first and got the 5 minutes I was after.

Playing Gravity Rush and bought “Final Fantasy Crisis Core Reunion” for £34, I little discount on full price, should be able to sell it on for £30 or so by the end of the month.

Other notes, my bed is still broken, I am cold often, I’m sick of playing games and watching shows on a tiny TV screen, I can’t buy a house because I need new wage slips to apply for a mortgage again but can’t log into the work system for that.