I

Work was fine, only spoke to the woman sitting next to me and my team coach. I haven’t gotten around to error logging the woman who errored me. She sat near me during break along with two of her pals, admittedly I did listen in on their stories but still I found her infuriating, too upbeat, energetic, social and skinny. Thought she was looking at me funny a few times, caught her out of the corner of my eye as I was playing Hearthstone.

I feel lonely at work, I’m unable to find my acquaintances often enough, I wonder if they even exist anymore.

I haven’t picked up my antidepressants prescription yet.

I think my team coach hates me, I felt she was a little grumpy when I asked her a question today.

Lot of “I”‘s, nothing else exists in my world but me.

Ate a yoghurt and banana for lunch, then spag bol and biscuits for supper.

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Condemn me

I was in an upbeat mode for much of today, it’s clearly due to my trial yesterday. I’m sure it showed, I made eye contact with two of the three people I spoke to today, those were my team coach and the woman who sits next to me. The exception was the quirky guy who initiated me at the end of lunch. We talked about Pokémon and Netflix superhero stuff, I was unable to reveal my power level on comics in general, all I had to say on the shows that they were boring from what I’ve seen. On Pokémon there was so much more I wanted to say, I may have made the wrong decisions when pushing the conversation forwards.

I’m still making the same mistakes with the woman sitting next to me, also need to learn to end conversations more efficiently than just looking away.

My back to work meeting was swift, no questions were really asked. No probing. The energetic guy from planning also asked if I was feeling better. All I feel is guilt, I fantasised about taking medication intended for non-humans in order to feign illness at work so I could balance the scales. My fantasy involves me having a gf, taking her pet cats meds and then overdosing and needing my stomach pumped.

At home I swiftly engaged my sisters in an argument, they moved my shoes to the kitchen near the bin/back door because I left them in the corner of the living room. They also moved my manga, damaging them in the process for the same reason. My mother rushed to my defence and my sisters retreated upstairs, condemning my mother for choosing a relationship with me and refusing to have one with them, they don’t even see the hypocrisy of them ignoring me for months.

I messed up at work, my coach fed it back to me, again I’m annoyed at who reported it, I don’t see why they bothered.

Finale postponed again

I arrived to court fairly well rested, I was made aware that my case was a priority (Since it’s been running so long, I assume) and in the afternoon we got started. That’s all I should probably say since I’ll probably get nicked again if I divulge details of the trial.

There wasn’t enough time to conclude the trial so it was adjourned again until November, over the halfway mark so should finish it this time.

Crappy blog post but don’t want to screw this up.

On the way back home, I’m pretty sure some Polish guy tried to kill/assault me as I was coming out of court. He spoke to someone in Polish then walked back into the court then out so he could get behind me, we looked at each other and smiled. I could tell from his appearance he was Polish and he looked as if he was related to the Polish girls partner.

After a short distance I stopped walking and let him overtake me and he walked off into an adjacent direction. Easily outsmarted.

On the cusp of a shining win

I’m setting off for court now, long journey ahead but the sweet victory waiting for me will make it all worth while. I wasn’t stressed at all until my parents starting involving themselves, constant questions and wanting to “help” by giving me a lift or ironing my clothes. I found this as insulating as always, I’ve made this journey tens of times before and I’ve never been offered their help before, I’ve always managed on my own, whether it be with school, loneliness, bullying, all my fears and anxieties. My dad was triggered by this, started slapping his head and curled up into a ball on the sofa and cried a little. Not much sympathy from me, he’s been rummaging around my room and reading my letters, maybe even stolen a few fresh from the post.

Earlier in the day I finished watching GLOW and prepped some entertainment for the train journey (I’m actually looking forward to it now). Couldn’t find a decently interesting magazine to buy.

My GP appointment was nerve racking, it was with a trainee GP, I asked for beta blockers, she gave me antidepressants. I didn’t think much of her, I had to tell her to look over my notes when I wouldn’t outright say the names of the meds I was taking. Looks like the Chinese GP has left the practice.

To court I’ve decided to go andro/tomboy mode since all my womens clothes are too casual.

Not my Apocalypse

I didn’t leave the house today, I watched a couple episodes of GLOW, not thinking much about the trial, can’t imagine it ending badly. 

Played Just Cause 3 for about an hour, I won’t be continuing with it, I like the controls but I don’t enjoy locating things without a minimal hand holding me.

Later in the day I also watched the England football game, not happy Poland are through to the World Cup finals, hopefully they’ll be humiliated by one of the darker teams. Caught X-Factor and Louis Theroux at the end of the day, both were unremarkable but kept me distracted. There was an argument with my sister earlier in the day when she wanted to turn the TV off because no one was watching anything, I insisted we keep it on. She doesn’t understand that I need the noise from the television in addition to the interactivity of my tablet to keep my mind occupied, to keep me from thinking overly negative thoughts.

My dad somehow found out about my court date, he asked when I’d be home tomorrow, he offered to drive me, then when I declined he offered me money for a hotel. I told him to mind his own business.
There was another argument with my sisters at the end of the day about disappearing food. The oldest of my younger sisters is continuing to ignore me.

My relationship with my mum is still good.

Got a GP appointment tomorrow, I’ll just ask for beta blockers, talk about workplace stress and if I’m asked about other issues, I’ll address them.

Pain doesn’t exist in the void either

Didn’t do anything today, not even play vidya. Watched a single episode of House of Cards and spend hours shopping on Amazon without buying anything, I can get a £15 discount but it expires at the end of the month, I’ll just have to get some more Dragonball manga (or maybe FMA) if I can’t think of anything other than exfoliating body scrub that I need. Don’t want to buy any more vidya since Sonic Forces and Pokemon are out next month.

Still have a frosty relationship with my sisters, they’re ignoring me and I’m occasionally forcing arguments. I have ideas on how to fix this but I don’t want to swallow my pride just yet.

I am feeling close to happy now that I’m not at work and enjoying a good relationship with my mother. I also made my brother smile when I handed him a duplicate copy of a Dragonball manga, this made me feel joy too.

Quiet goodbye

Before the start of work I interacted with the tall guy again, in the break room, talking to him is easy, topics and responses seem to come naturally but not for long. The other interaction of the day was terrible, the wrestling guy spontaneously asked me if I was still following WWE, I said I hadn’t seen the latest PPV, he shared some news with me (ending of the next PPV needs to be result), I failed to express and opinion or reveal my power level when he mentioned Meltzer.
I’ve found myself in a difficult spot with emails at work, people are complaining and I’ve possibly messedup, I’m off the next 4 days so I’m just going to let them stew. Still resentful for constantly being thrown in the deep end.

There’s a new gender ambiguous person at work, this one uses the male bathroom, they asked me if a stall was in use, I said no but while loudly drying my hands. Also sat next to a possibly gay person on the train home, they were crossing their legs and I apologised when I sat next yo them, they called me “bro” and said it was OK. I hate male terms being thrown at me when I try to dress andro.

Made contact with Nintendo Customer Services, hope they might be naive enough to unban my 3DS.

Watched a bit of Graham Norton, Liam Gallagher seems likeable.

In theory today could have been my final day at work due to court on Tuesday.