Anger Management

Work was great. Just like all weekends. Hit my target during the first half of my shift then openly sit at my desk watching whatever takes me fancy for the remainder of my time while keeping an eye on the urgent queries. A few more people than usual were in today, I guess I’m not trusted with anything anymore. I had some decent interactions with football fan (the name I’ve decided on for the guy who sits a couple of rows behind me but has interacted with me a few times).

On the way back home, I took the train. Whilst sitting down I noticed the train conducted, a paki, coming around to check everyones tickets. He asked to see mine, I moved to show him but he looked away to speak to someone else. He then asked me again. I was about to present my ticket again but I noticed he was looking away again. So I responded by shouting “oi!”. He looked at me now. I explained what he had done and then pushed my ticket towards him, asking if he could see it.

He then went back to talking to a group of yobs. When he was done, he told me sternly in his paki accent “you might speak like that at home but not here, learn to behave” or something along those lines. I then responded by advising him to learn English. There were groans in the carriage. He threatened to throw me off the train, I asked why there were so many people who were obviously from abroad and that all the guards at the turnstiles at my local station were all from abroad, “there’s something going on”. A white guy in front of my turned to argue but gave up when he saw I was a paki. Also heard one of yobs saying “is it a him or a her?”. The conductor repeated his threat and I went back to playing Candy Crush.

Clearly I have a problem, the things I said are not normal. It felt great at first though, I feel like I can breath again when I shout and I know if I don’t stand up for myself I’ll torture myself over it for weeks. Might see my GP.

The conductor was recalling his story to a while colleague on my way out, he was lying though, claiming I said “you people are stealing all our jobs”.

Ate rice at home. Controlling my eating is easier now that I have my laptop to stave off boredom. Bought a 4chan pass.


God Mode: Charging (20%)

Got my laptop and all the other crap back from the piggies. Feels astounding to have my laptop back, it’s like recovering a lost limb. I can do anything now, I’ll surely be happier going forward with anime and various resources on tap. Most importantly though, communication will be easier. Can’t do much right now – updating.

Got into an argument with my mum, she told me to “stop being so freakish” with a disgusted look on her face. I snapped, told her I didn’t need her anymore and to stay the fuck out of my room. Told my sister to hang herself too.

Not much else to say as over half the day was spent travelling. Watched some AT4W.

God Mode: Charging

For the third day straight I’ve been assigned to the “urgent” queries, it’s a rather easy queue compared to most others, straight forward stuff. My manager seems to be a nice person and is treating me well. I now understand this is because they must have read my application for the internal vacancies I applied to where I state my dissatisfaction in my current role. Possibly also found the sticky notes where I wrote “kill self”.

I also had a couple of laughs where I said awkward things to my team coach. I laughed too much though. I first said “she knows what she’s doing, you can speak to her” and “that guy already got you a muffin”. Funny at first but then kinda awkward but at least it’s something. Weirdly, I probably have formed better relationships than some of the normies. I’d be fine with them thinking I’m weird, at least it’s better than nothing.

During lunch, quirky guy spoke to me. Brought “other new female” into the conversation for a bit. Apparently she’s on a “stage 1”, I asked what the fuck that was and he said it was a warning/disciplinary level, that’s why she couldn’t apply to the vacancies, it’s a rule apparently. Talked about vidya, Injustice and that went into superheroes (it’s because there’s a PS4 in the break room now). Back at my desk I enjoyed short conversation with the women sitting next to me and jokes that no one wanted his job when the guy who used to sit opposite me walked past.

The day ended poorly though. Stacy reported her performance to my manager, she congratulated her and suggested more responsibility going forward. I can’t take this anymore, I’m angry and upset about this every day, it’s not fair, it’s also not fair that I’m going to have to pass this assessment, have to prove myself, had to make a bid for more responsibility but Stacy just gets everything handed to her. These feeling haven’t gone after two months so the correct course of action may be for me to leave. It’s a toxic environment.

Fantasising about rejecting the promotion when I get it.

I was also really flipent and insulting to a cool manager over email, I didn’t know because he implied I was stupid. He approached me later and joked, I think he was making a power play.

Going to collect my crap from the cop shop tomorrow. Got the day off,.responded with an anime girl giving a thumbs up when asked to confirm. Big argument at home with the family when my dad said he wasn’t well enough to drive me tomorrow but he’s going to do it anyway. Finally shit this chapter and start the next, balls in my “court” now.


The good, the bad and the paki (presented in reverse order)

The trains are a nightmare, impossible to get on the first one that arrives due to all the paki students boarding at this time. I got in to work 4 minutes late and despite being assigned one of the easier queues, I found it challenging and ended up fucking up twice.

Both errors are lack of attention to detail. I gave incorrect information but then later correct myself. This normally wouldn’t have been a problem but then I had to resolved their initial problems but I ran out of time and they had to be passed onto the people on the late shifts. Both customers may need to be paid off and I could have escaped blame if not for the initial fuck ups. The only saving grace is that I can control the situation by being selective about how I describe what happened to my manager. I’m incredibly anxious about this and I can’t wait to take a stab at fixing everything tomorrow

The one and only positive thing to come out of today was that my assessment for the new position went well. I got the start time wrong and my manager had to find me. The first half was just highlighting grammar errors in emails, some were a bit tricky. I aced it. I even pointed out stuff like apostrophes to show ownership and not technically correct. Essay questions at the end about a work scenario and managing time. I know I aced it and there’s only one other person in contention who could beat me in a fair race. However, there’s a “pretty” girl in the running who I know is favoured by my manager. I was the only person from my department going for it.

The other job over gone for, is also just me and 6 customer service people. My manager isn’t too impressed, trying to get specific people to apply, Stacy obviously and a guy who has seniority over me.

At home I watched football again. Glad Spurs are out, sends a message, if you don’t spend, you don’t deserve glory.

Ate tacos.

Stacy got medical leave, curious.


Anger issues acknowledged

This was the first time since January I woke up before 8:00am. Cereal for breakfast and I was off. Forgot to take my E. During work I didn’t speak to the woman sitting next to me at all, conversation between her and the new girl (hereafter shall be known as Stacy) just flows more easily, it’s mundane stuff but Stacy is everyone’s preference. The guy sitting opposite me has left, moved to a different department, once the woman sitting next to me goes on maternity next week, it’ll just be me and Stacy. Funny, she never made an effort to speak to me like the other two, so now she’ll feel the consequences with bitter and awkward silence.

My manger had a short, private conversation with me. It was my back to work thing. I pulled a sicky back in February for the football. Hilariously the other person who was in was also sick. Maximum damage achieved. I claimed I had a headache, it was difficult to stand and keep my balance. She suggested I get an eye test. Possibly a knock at how badly my glasses fit my nose. I was unconformity and I weirdly brought up that I should have hit my trigger on the Bradford Index by now but she couldn’t call me out on it. She also mentioned that I wouldn’t be put on a coaching plan since she checked my errors and they were all made long ago. Looks like she owes me a new excuse for why I can’t do the new queue that Stacy got.

Also got annoyed when I overheard one of her conversations. Said that she “moved around” who was assigned to the queue and Stacy chimed in that she’s always on it, like that’s a bad thing.

I hit my target easily, over two hours to spare. Just watched wrestling (listened to it at least), so boring. My manager gave me a couple of emails to pickup, the second one I refused, since it fit the criteria for Stacy’s queue. I asked something along the lines of “can I answer this or should I move it to Stacy’s queue?”. Didn’t get a response so I just moved it. Threw in a holiday request too so I can collect my stuff, no response yet.

Probably getting fucked out of the promotion now.

While watching WWE, the guy sitting behind me asked if I liked it. I stumbled over my words, tried to make a joke. He asked if I had ever seen it live, in defended myself well, said that I didn’t feel like I was missing out since most UK shows weren’t televised so didn’t count.

Leaving work I felt enraged again. Where boarding the train home, I felt someone pushed me, I turned around to an older woman and stuck my middle finger up in front of her face. She called me out on it and I replied “You shouldn’t have fucking pushed me then!”. She denied it and that was it.

Ate over 1000 calories at home, Only 900 or so before then.

Watched some football at home. Dull.


Intensively Displeased

My probation case worker has now said that my sentence can’t be carried out in England and he will be taking it back to court. There was a suggestion that it could be unpaid work, I hit back that I’d rather go to prison asking “what’s the equivalent prison sentence?”, he challenged me to see if I was serious. The background report guy was the only one who got me, doing unpaid work will just make me more bitter.

I bought some super glue to fix my headphones, it worked but they look a little messed up due to superglue dripping everywhere.

The letter to collect my stuff from the pigs has arrived. My mum opened it, we argued and are still on bad terms. The tricky part now is finding time to travel since my free days go towards probation. I’ll have to request a holiday but it’ll look bad with me up for promotion. Ideally I’d like to do it this week since getting my laptop sooner is so much better, so many doors will open up to me and there will be no excuses anymore, I’ll make friends, organise and start fighting back in full force.

Tipped my hand some more, puts me in the frame but we’ll see if I get any curious looks tomorrow.

Still watching The Office (UK), it’s not resonating with me as much as I’d expect.

Still bored of vidya even though I’m playing a better game now.

For a long time now my mind often fantasises about scenarios at work where I divulge a personal detail, a coworker comments and I make a joke which results in laughter. It’s probably been every day.


This can’t be life

Officially finished with Akiba’s Beat. Playing South Park: Stick of Truth now, it’s enjoyable. My laptop will be back on my lap in a week or so, I’ll start evolving then.

Didn’t leave home but I spent a lot time downstairs with the family. Just watched TV, Percy Jackson and Night at the Museum 3.

Overate. It’s not getting better, I don’t know how to control it. Not eating sounds so easy but it’s impossible.

Broke part of my headphones, I’ll need to buy superglue.

I’ll take stock again next week once I get a result on how my assessment for the new job/probation went. I’m sure I’ll quit if I don’t get it and the new bitch gets it instead.