“rest” day

Today was supposed be a day off from work, a day of rest but instead I did more than I would normally and more than I would like. I woke up after 8pm, showered, got dressed (female t-shirt, mum could tell) and headed out to the probation office, there was a terrible surprise waiting for me today, my volunteer mentor. My case worker could see I was unhappy with not being warned, she called me out on it and this generated good discussion. She pointed out how I looked happier/more confident and I told her about how I passed the assessment centre, that I was proud of myself, later she and my mentor congratulated me. The mentor is a female, early 30s, confident looking – I avoided looking at her. Ultimately the conversation was the same as always, I’m asked what kind of club I want to join and I have nothing to suggest so we keep talking about a “walking” club. Not sure how this relationship is going to progress from talking about stuff to me actually taking part with her assistance.

At home I binge ate and unwound for a couple of hours before prepping for another adventure, this time to a job interview, I wore a full suit and departed. The heat ensured that I sweated within minutes. The location wasn’t difficult to find but kind observers could see I was a little lost and pointed me in the right direction twice, surprising for something like this to occur during such a short journey, didn’t expect this sort of eagerness to assist.

The pre-interview process was sloppy in my opinion, I was first directed to a station where my documents would be checked, there were a bunch of kids around, two of them pakis, talking about Ramadan like it was normal, I don’t understand how these people have better social skills/integration ability than me. I browsed 4chan on my phone as I was waiting to be called in for the actual interview, someone moved me along again, they chatted, I was open about this being my backup option. The interviewers were an older woman and a younger one, both rather upbeat, easy to communicate with, there were laughs, I can’t see myself not getting the job, there were only three questions, feel bad that I’m ultimately going to turn it down.

After that triviality was over (though I did initially feel like running away), I sauntered on to my laser session. Somehow my laser on my fingers/hands is more painful than face, I had to ask for a break. My technician seems a little off/cold today but I was just glad to bring the day to a close. Saw a Chinese woman at the clinic, unusual.

At home I watched WWE Raw and YouTube videos about anime, anything else was too much effort.

A good day, I suppose, people are clearly comfortable around me and that’s an important factor when it comes to making friends.

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So close to a pleasant day

At work I made people laugh by approaching my team coach at exactly 9:00am to ask her for something. I was taken-aback when she asked when I was leaving, I’m shocked that news of me leaving has travelled, the new/old manager overheard and joked about me not being allowed to leave, they then quizzed me on my job, pointed out it was weird that my job didn’t start until September and laughed when I didn’t know much about the job itself.

I swapped queues with the older Muslim woman, I was working on it yesterday and took all the easy ones, I felt bad about it so asked her and my manager. Wonder if I came across as noble and moral.

For over a week now I’ve committed to less than 400 calories for lunch.

There was some discussion about Eurovision that I was unable to get involved with. All the normies seemed to have anti-Israel opinions and the Chaddest of them all had the most extreme, it was bordering conspiracy theories, almost jumped in to tell him that he went too far. I later spoke to him to say that England could win the World Cup, he dismissed this instantly.

Turns out the woman sitting next to me and another female on the team (started around a year ago, after me, joined the emails team a couple of months after me, hangs with the quirky guy, younger than me), got the jobs for the position I applied to last month. Sickened the newbie got it, such a fix, groomed for it when she applied and then had softer competition than me. Inferior to me in every way too. The woman sitting next to me was unhappy too but for a different reason, newbie was getting moved over to their new team first and she wouldn’t have to work any late or weekend shifts, looked like special treatment. I tried to interject with “take it as a compliment, they trust…”, Stacy laughed and woman sitting next to me shut me down by placing her hand up.

Turns out I made my greatest ever fuck up, a £250 pay off that won’t be going away. I care far more about this than I should though it’s not just my error. It’s going to be huge when I need to report it.

I spent 5 hours awake at home after work but did nothing other than play a little Hearthstone, watch Last Week Tonight and post.

Already bored of the Eurovision tracks. Got probation tomorrow.

A Chad among wageslaves

Work was quiet, just like yesterday one of the new guys on my shift asked what he was supposed to be doing since there was no manager in. I told him there is only one thing he needs to do but apart from that he can do whatever he wants, just look productive on the stats, no one is checking. Both of them smiled when I told them this but I forwarded them both an email about what they’re supposed to be doing anyway. Hopefully the both think I’m cool though I know I came across as desperate.

During my lunch break, I sneezed, a woman said “bless you”, i quickly replied with thanks.

At home I played around with the idea of buying tickets for myself and my sisters to watch Ed Sheeran in concert but they were busy during that period. We’re possibly planning something else in August.

Listened to my Eurovision favourites again and skimmed through SNL.

Enemy no more?

At work I finally interacted with my new enemy, he seems nice and I feel bad for hating him and reporting his errors. He seems to genuinely not know the things he does that annoy me are wrong. Our conversations weren’t good though, so there shouldn’t be any followup to this, we have stuff in common but I was unable to communicate well.

Over the last few days work colleagues have had discussions about anime, vidya and Eurovision that I wish that I could have gotten involved with but my confidence wouldn’t allow it so I just stayed silent and then later fantasised about how my perfect exchanges would have played out.

At home I watched Eurovision with my sister, we both enjoy the show completely unironically so didn’t speak as we didn’t want to miss anything. The Israeli entrant wasn’t my favourite but I liked them so I’ll accept them as the winner.

Winning half the battle

On my way to work a woman asked me for directions, she was a traditionally attractive Eastern European who was slightly taller than me. I tried explaining but I didn’t fill her with enough confidence to get there on her own so I ended up walking her part of the way to her destination since it was I was heading in that direction anyway. I apologised for not being good at just giving directions verbally and then we didn’t speak much on the way, I tried outpacing her but she kept up. Also kept my hood up despite the warm whether. I reached my workplace and gave her a couple more pointers to get where she needed to. Felt bad for not walking her all the way.

Bit haunted by still not knowing what should I have said in that situation, what sort of conversation would normal people have, what questions would have been suitable to ask. The only positive to take away is that I looked non-intimidating enough to ask for help.

Work was fine, got a congratulations on my new job in a hushed whisper. On the late shift I spoke more with that guy, nothing remarkable, probably bad overall since I started insulting the quirky guy. Later into the night, I spoke to the new female who sits at my desk, the one who got the promotion over me. This was the first lengthy conversation we ever had and the first time we’ve spoken in months. She seems nice and smiled when I asked for her assistance, a pleasant person who I have no reason to hate.

Quirky guy sent some .gifs via the company IM service but I had no response, he called me out on this so I sent an ironically amusing meme about NEETism that I made myself.

Nothing of note to report once I got home, grabbed some food and went to my bedroom.

Failed to secure Billy Clyro tickets for my sister, the general sale started slightly before the advertised time.

Waste of time/life

I stayed on my bed all day, the only exception were went I went downstairs to get food. Most of the time was spent playing DragonBall, finished the main story now, committed over 6 hours of my day to it.

Something I forgot to mention yesterday. I went to Greggs for lunch as usual, the woman serving me asked if I worked nearby, I responded by telling her where I worked, she then stated that she noticed that I came in regularly and didn’t mean anything bad by it while I mumbled something about the queues at McDonalds. Needless to say, I shall never be returning there.

Failed to get my sister tickets for Biffy Clyro on the pre-sale, seemed to sell out in under a minute, I’ll just have to try again tomorrow during the general sale.

Why do I still care?

I’m beginning to feel guilty for leaving my current job, not wise announcing it 2 months in advance, I’m being treated quite well by management but I don’t feel I’m living up to expectations – everyone else is raising their game, getting out as many emails as possible but I’m just doing the same as usual despite being given my preferred queues to work on – the worst part is that I made an error today, potential pay off of £100 in the worst case scenario, good news is that I won’t hear about this for around a month.

Hit rank 5 on Hearthstone.

Had some awkward conversations with colleagues, my brain doesn’t seem to comprehend what I’m being told quickly enough before my mouth starts spewing nonsense. I wore my coat at work because I was cold, I was asked if I was OK, I should have brought up the open window but instead I just spouted some nonsense about how “I’d still be cold with it”. Hate myself and pity those who try to interact with me.

There was a train strike, there was limited room on one of the services, I regret not forcing those already on the train to make more room. Waited an additional 30 minutes to get home. When I got back I played DragonBall Xenoverse for over 3 hours.