I can now admit I am depressed

I woke up at 12pm, that’s 12 hours of sleep. Towards the last few hours I wasn’t tired, I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. Outside my bedroom door I could hear my father trying to get someone to call his mobile phone contract provider to cancel. Menial tasks like this were usually reserved for me, they took a great mental toll on me, despite their simplicity, my father couldn’t perform them himself due to not speaking English, yet he was still very demanding and forceful, he wasn’t asking for a favour, he was telling me to do something.

One sister refused, another accepted. I heard her call. I got up once they were done but my sister decided to barge into my room and ask why I didn’t do it, it’s apparently my duty as I’m supposed to be a man. I told her to tell my dad to fuck off, just like I would. She then addressed me hypocrisy, at that moment I was screaming “paki” and other insults at my dad but in recent times I’ve been a bit nicer to him, having polite conversation and sharing a joke. My sister called me a tosser, my mum told me to leave it, another sister said “but he is useless”. This brought me down for the entire day. I felt a weight in my head that made it difficult to want to be awake, I wanted to shut down, being conscious was unpleasant and a chore.

I played FF12 for an hour, I played DB Xenoverse 2 for less. I watched FMA for a while too. Strictly and I’m a Celeb in the evening. I barely left the living room, never mind the house. It was snowing, this made me happy briefly but it should have done more.

My room is a mess again. The new washing machine arrived. Buying things does not bring me joy. It might be worth considering a switch from material goods to experiences or reading.

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A Functioning Cog

Lots of good conversations at work today, the woman I sit next to, the guy who sits opposite me and my ex-manager. It was a bit awkward and weak as usual but it was normal enough, so I’m satisfied with that, nothing too cringey to keep bothering me into the night and beyond.

A woman from my “team” asked for a shift swap on the company messaging program, I agreed, I don’t really care what shifts I work, it’s all the same and since the quirky guy did this for me, I felt I should show the same spirit. She replied with “omg, you’re a legend, thanks soooooooo much” or something equally offensive, I responded as I felt “ugh, don’t make me change my mind”. I hate that she thought I would appreciate flatterery or girly/cutesy behavior.

I ate lunch today and junk food at home.

My sisters hate me and my relationship with them seems irreparable, I still am completely at a loss as to what their issues with me are, so from my perspective they’re all just cruel people. Considering just keeping the Nintendo Switch or giving it to my brother for Christmas. Not even sure if I’ll even give my sisters the smaller gifts I bought for them.

Still finding it difficult to get out of bed.

It could all be an illusion

I’m still going through the day feeling dazed, what’s worse now is my fatigue levels are returning to where they were before I saw any improvements from the Sertraline. I feel like I’ve messed up at work again but not realised.

At the end of the day I forgot to stamp out and hurriedly ran over to one of the few people still around, the nice guy who gave me a chocolate once, and asked to use his computer to stamp out. He was cool, friendly as always, complimentary, I don’t know why he’s so wonderfully nice and I don’t know how to react to it. 

Played Rayman on my 3DS on the way home.

Still skipping lunch, I’ll weigh myself tomorrow.

People on the street see me talking to myself now, the look at me noticeably concerned.

another screwup, shocking

My eating habits are unchanged, I binged in the morning, skipped lunch and had a large supper. I’m feeling a bit dazed constantly this week, it could be work related, it’s not been a good couple of days, another customer needs to be paid off, not my error this time but I need to resolve it.

My sisters are still as cold and cruel as ever, it just makes me love my mum more in comparison.

Talked a fair bit at work, same person. I need to start talking to the guy sitting opposite me. I think coworkers heard me talking about them.

Watched I’m a Celeb again.

Female on the train smiled as I asked her to get up so I could get off.

Dropped my toothbrush in the toilet, my mouth feels gross now.

I’m still talking to myself when outside.

150mg 

I owned up to to the screwup I made at work, there’s been no solution posed yet and my manager seems mad at me but it’s a massive weight off my shoulders. Not much talking but the days went by quickly, I was in a bit of a daze and there was a 2 hour long “town hall” presentation that broke up the day nicely.

In the morning I went to thew GP, got my Sertraline increased to 150mg, that’s supposed to be as high as they’ll go – based on what I was told in a previous appointment. He’s pushing counselling again, I knocked it back.

I ate even worse than yesterday, skipping lunch isn’t making up for it.

On the way home, a bunch of young pakis were walkimny behind me and talking in their own language, loudly.

I’m alone but don’t feel down from being lonely since I don’t have enough energy to feel at all.

Just fire me already

12-8pm shifts at work this week. I don’t think I spoke to anyone at all. Also discovered I fucked up, I can share the blame but it’s still not a good look for me, someone who has been working here as long as I have is not expected to make any mistakes.

Watched I’m a Celeb once I got home then bed.

Skipped lunch but fucked it up by eating heaving before bed.

Still hated 

I played Final Fantasy XII for an hour or so, much better than I remember it being. Probably a combination of my maturity and the actual improvements made to the game.

My relationship with all three of my sisters is still terrible, considering just keeping the Nintendo Switch for myself. The Kindle arrived, going to give it to my mum – not sure if I’ll wait until Xmas. Need to stop buying stuff. I’m considering getting some Final Fantasy, Marvel and/or Pokémon trading cards.

Already rank 10 on Hearthstone, lost a game to ThijsNL though, I was rank 10, he was 11, my Highlander Priest vs his Tempo Rogue. I did well considering I didn’t draw Raza or my Death Knight.

I’ve successfully made contact with my potential new friend, we’ll be meeting in 2 weeks assuming I’m not being fucked with again.

Massively overrate. No self control.

Changed my bedding for the first time in months. Also washed my hair.

Wacthed a few more episodes of the FMA: Brotherhood dub, X-Factor Final and I’m a Celeb.