I’m a fraud

The start of the day got off to a brilliant start, I asked the quirky guy for help with the thing at work I didn’t know how to do. He initially got up and walked out of the room with me following behind speaking to his back, I then sat down at my desk thinking he declined me. He later returned, approached me and showed me what I needed to know, he emailed me some notes and asked for me name, guess we’re even for the time I forgot his name. There another guy in the company, a director, with the same name and I joked that I was me in response to him asking for me to confirm my surname, he responded well, pretending to be annoyed, I think.

I’m pretty sure I’m fucking up massively at work, there has to be a reason I’m responding to so many more emails than almost everyone else. I got praised by a woman I assume is management, she gave me 50 raffle tickets for exceeding my email targets. I was modest. Could win some cool stuff but I’d rather avoid the attention the situation would bring.

At the end of the day, the little guy who dresses smart walked with me, we talked, he asked about my plans for the weekend, I tried to be vague but I eventually admitted I’m going to play Digimon “like a manchild”, he was cool about it, speaks well, asked what snacks/fuel I’m going to have, I said I find junk food disgusting, mentioned not liking Mountain Dew, he said he lived in America for a year, shared an anicdote, I didn’t have a response. He spoke about Mass Effect being disappointing, I joked about playing it again on a higher difficulty or new skin, my tone must have been off, didn’t realise it was a joke. He’s from Blackpool, this part of the conversation flowed well, I said that must be a fun place to live, brought up my time working in an amusement park. Then things got weird, he said he needs to run to catch his train and I can run with him, it was a joke but I didn’t get it so I ran alongside him for a few second, while running I asked him the time and then I stopped running and shouted that I’d just walk. So moronic of me to run alongside him like a child.

Had cereal for breakfast, tuna baguette for lunch and rice for dinner. There was a bottle of Lucozade too.

Need to remove some body hair again.

Played Digimon for a couple of hours.

I arranged to pick up my repeat prescription of antidepressants with a pharmacy.

Buying clothes and more drugs tomorrow. Getting closer to telling my family I’m trans.

I think I’m a solid B cup.

Quitting Time

I’ve massively fucked up at work, it’s causing me extreme distress and I’m going to need to ask someone for help. I have no idea how to do certain things while working on emails, this is a problem as I’m now being assigned specific emails to work on. This is the type of thing I could quit over.

Guy spoke to me, the chocolate guy who said he didn’t hate me, just small talk, I gave pointless and generic responses. The trans person is back, but not the other people who started around the same time as her. I wanted to speak to her, say I thought she’d quit in a joking way.

Definitely buying clothes on Saturday when I can use a library computer.

The woman at Gregg’s was nice, informed me I could get a bigger water bottle to go with my tuna sandwich. I need to stop eating in public, chances of being seen by coworkers is too high.

Just like Tilde

I vomited in the morning, it was just the cereal I had for breakfast that ended up on the living room floor, I still went to work though, I felt good getting to eat food without decreasing my calorie allowance for the rest of the day. I go took an extra Sertaline and E tablet to be on the safe side.

Train was full of pakis, as usual, I spoke to someone when I heard a bang, I suggested it was a bike helmet falling.

Still working on emails. The new qt next to me initiated conversation with me, said she’s jealous I get to stay off the phone, in response I spat out some poorly preplanned lines, I criticised her phone manner and gave her some advice, the worst part was stumbling over my words and not making much sense. I’ll be avoiding her in the future. She’s a very talkative and likeable person, so naturally I dislike her, it’s a shame though since she’s one of the few people here who don’t have bad teeth.

On the way out of work, I had a short chat with the guy who trained me on emails, I approached him and initiated, I think I find him unintimidating because he’s black and has a foreign accent. I just joked that I’m killing him on emails and then we spoke about work. I like him, he’s nice and I see him helping others too.

I was told that due to payroll cutoff dates, I won’t see my payrise reflected in my wage until next month.

Doing some shopping, found some good stuff, going to see if there’s anything else on this site I want before committing to the purchase.

Skipped lunch. Had pasta for dinner.

Didn’t want to go shopping during my lunch break as I’m now worried coworkers will see me, I spotted one while wandering, she saw me too. Felt awkward.

Sorry for wasting your time

Last night and this morning, I tried masturbating but I was too exhausted. I need to do it soon, it’s almost been a week since last time.

I woke up early for my GP appointment, 9am, the doctor I saw this time was a young female, she was thin and attractive, this intimidated me a bit. She smiled a lot though, that put me at ease but I just wanted my prescription and to get out of there, she asked me how I was feeling, any changes and thoughts on counselling, I didn’t say anything of note. I got a 4 week repeat prescription and left.

At home I binged on 5 packets of crisps and a fish fillet with beans. After this I played Digimon for 4 hours.

I attended my counselling appointment but I don’t think there’s anything to really talk about and I was right, all we discussed again were my poor social skills a perceptions, I didn’t really understand or agree with anything he said in response to me but it doesn’t matter, my problems are trivial and there are people who need this service more. It was suggested I attend a local LGBTQ group, I shot of down, he spoke of self fulfilling prophecies. I’ll go to the next session then fuck it, I’m wasting everyones time.

I’m happy admitting I’m trans, I just want to buy some clothes and come out already. Tried shopping on ASOS, too expensive.

Bought my sister some £50 Vans since I didn’t get anything for her birthday.

I think the trans person has quit or maybe they were a temp, upsetting that we never really spoke.

Why won’t they leave me alone

The train to work was filled with pakis, as usual, smug scarfys and disgusting men with beards. Once I got to work, I took 3 calls before being told I was working emails again. I didn’t really talk to anyone today, I advised a lad type on how to check if a computer is occupied, I think he appreciated it. Later in the day I was unable to advise to purple haired girl as effectively, I stuttered, gave incorrect information, repeated myself and spouted gibberish as I was unsure of whether or not anyone was sitting at the computers she pointed out. I think she mocked me once, mimicking how I enthusiastically was able to recall the name of someone sitting at a computer.

On the way home I sat behind a balding paki.

I ate cereal, a tuna baguette and some chocolate cake today.

Didn’t get my sister a birthday present so I’ll get her something now, I’m think some colourful Vans ISO 1.5s, they’re not really her thing but it’s a fun gift. Might get my brother a late present too.

My family keep giving me aggro for eating in front of them and guests.

Got GP and counselling tomorrow, been taking the antidepressants regularly enough but they’re not helping, at least not in the way I want them too.

Signed up to a new broadband and TV sports package, I deserve a treat and I need to find something to start spending on again to take the edge off life.

*smiles awkwardly*

I did emails at work again, felt special but there are certain queries I can’t handle so I just avoid them, I wanted to ask for advice but couldn’t bring myself to do it. This older new guy initiated conversation with me a few times but I couldn’t respond, often I just smiled, the only conversation thread that gathered steam was guessing if it was going to rain or not, I feel less enthusiastic about having learned of the sure fire conversation starter yesterday since I now remember I’ve got no follow up, it’d just be awkward as I stare blankly at them and then slowly turn my head to signal I no wonder wish to speak.

Purple haired girl picked up a notebook from my desk and joked “how many do you need”, I didn’t respond as I should, just said I didn’t think even one was mine.

Planning on finally buying some new clothes, I’ll do it at the weekend when I’ve got free access to a desktop computer. Might buy some new Vans too.

My mum and sisters again said that long hair doesn’t suit me but my sister did accidentally compliment me when she said my face looks rounder.

Unhappy about my facial hair again.

Racists had a gathering in Manchester, I’m glad they were segregated and ignored.

The normies secret jutsu

My shift today started at 10pm, it was nice to get an extra hours sleep, I didn’t mind walking through the rain to get to work. I was back to taking calls, I enjoyed it, nice change of pace to emails. I got a laugh from 3 colleagues when I joked about a call escalating after receiving advice from one of them. Felt proud but unfortunately there was a negative element to it, I forgot the identity of one of the three, it upsets me to think I hurt someones feelings.

Trans person was on the break sheet but absent today, it’s been a rough couple of weeks, hope she hasn’t quit. I tried speaking to DnD guy about working emails, didn’t know what to say after a few exchanges so I just left it. The non-intimidating little guy initiated conversation with me today during break, simply asked “How’s it going?”, absolute genius, can’t believe I couldn’t think of it, it’s easy to say, everyone has a response and the person saying it has something to say too due to the nature of this job. I think I might try this myself, provided the break room is quiet enough.

Young looking guy who said he didn’t hate me asked me for help and I gave him the correct advice.

Ate lots of rice.

Played Digimon for a couple of hours after work, seems like I’m going to have to grind for lengthy period to clear the final chapter.