3 Months

Fixed my glasses yesterday, they had been broken for near 3 months month, I bought the superglue required to fix them almost instantly but I didn’t want to endure life without clear vision for too long that is why I procrastinated. Gave in and did it eventually, the metal bonded almost instantly, it feels great wearing these sturdy things, maybe that’s why the last few months have been so terrible? Can’t believe I left this for so long, I was very self concious during this time, although only slightly more than usual.

She hasn’t responded to my email yet, she went to another public event at the art gallery yesterday, shame I didn’t realise it was on, I went to town to go to the barbers so it wouldn’t have been too much effort. My university email account is blocked (being told to contact admin to have the block lifted), can’t log in, my moodle page is also inaccessible, not sure what’s going on. Could be maintenance, though the IT twitter of my uni says the last outage was 2 days ago, it’s unlikely to have gone down twice in such a short period, assuming the worst, that I have been reported to the relevant university authorities. Not as worried as I should be, nothing I can do, just gotta take it as it comes, very relaxing. I think it’s more like my ex-roommate is the one who reported me, services wouldn’t have been disabled if it was the girl my class, that offence is too minor. Kinda glad shit is out, excuse not to do any uni work.

Got a big number of views on the blog again today, facebook as a referrer, think it’s just some bot checking for viruses.

Roommate brought a girl over, don’t think it was the usual one, he is definitely not Chad, might be gay. Heard him offering Ribena to her, ha!.

Didn’t really do anything today, went to Asda, bought a tube of Pringles and litre of Lucozade, that was dinner. Staying up to watch WrestleMania, I miss downloading it and watching it home the day after with my brother. Though not sure if I am looking forward to going home next week. Arc V threads are better now, I haven’t been in them for a few weeks, turns out I apparently inspired some other spammer or critics of the series, too bad I am not as dedicated to cause anymore, the rest of the general was also more willing to engage me and avoid provoking me so I wouldn’t respond with gore again. /WWE/ threads, generally agree they should be on /asp/, admire the dedication of dickspammer/bot but sometimes I do just want to “discuss” a bit of wrestling.

Should vacuum my room, it’s filthy.

Not really feeling anything today, not dread, sadness, anger or excitement.

Big Day

Woe up before 10am, trimmed my armpit and pubic hair, been a long time since I have done that, felt great after I had a shower. About half an hour later I went out to the barbers, it took my a while to get there, I have been going to them same one ever since I arrived in this city, I like to think the barber remembers me, my limitations and needs. Got to the barbers, didn’t need to wait since I arrived early enough that he was free, asked what he could do for me, I said “Caesar cut on top and number 2 on the back and sides, make it short on the top, about a third of the length it is now”, I prepared in advance, basing my answer on how our interaction usually progresses, he asked me to repeat myself, I stumble, not sure which part he wanted me to repeat, once I finally hit the right note he lets me off the hook, taps me on the shoulder and gets on with it. No talking. He tried talking to me the first time 4 years again, that’s why I think he has some recollection of me.

I leave feeling the wind on my head and generally good about myself, went to the poundstore, bought a role of blank stickers, I planned to stick them all around the city and university with the message “sorry, [roommates name]!”. Been persuaded to hold off until I am convinced that she won’t reply to my email message. I know this might come across as creepy, give off the impression I am obsessive and dangerous but there is also a chance that she will see how much she means to me, how sorry I am and then maybe things will pan out the way I want them to. I also have this fantasy where the stickers/message become a national phenomenon with t-shirts and such being printed, that would surely impress her.

When I got home I wanted to go straight to the shower but I heard my roommate cleaning it so I stayed in my room, later she was cleaning the hallway, thought it best to stay away or else I might be roped into helping out or accused of not doing enough. No second shower today. Did get a look at myself in the bathroom mirror later in the day, looked good, along with the free down down below this made me feel much more confident than usual. Thinking about the interaction, or lack of, yesterday, I should have said something, “hey, I’m sorry, can we I get you a drink?”, just like when we were living together I threw away another opportunity.

Roommate brought his friends over again, before 2pm this time and they stayed until just before midnight. Not as terrible as usual, they were not particularly loud. I did piss in a bottle during the early part of the day. However later I become much more confident, partially down to the hair but cannot be entirely down to that as I urinated in the bottle the very same day. Anyway, I needed to use the bathroom again so I slid out of my room, out of view and into the bathroom, that was when I say myself in the mirror. A little while later I left my room to use the kitchen, I didn’t look at him and his friends, pretended like they weren’t there, it was tough but I pulled it off, felt very tense around them. I stuck my food in the oven, filled my cup with water and went back to my room and back out when it was time. I left my room again much later, this time they had shut the door to the room they were in and I would have had to pass in order to reach the kitchen, guess I creeped them out, good. Also noted the volume of the Ribena I had pissed in had decreased even further, great.

Spent a lot of time playing YGOpro, on a very hot streak, felt pride in being good at something. Need to check my tutorial answers against the actual solutions. Last 6 hours of the day were spent in an Instasync I used to frequent a fair bit in the last quarter of last year, we riff on TGWTG videos, my conversation sills are poor but in these types of settings, emails, thread etc, I try to force it, I hope I am creating an enjoyable atmosphere for others. WrestleMania is a couple of days, not particularly hyped but it’s something to look forward to.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Walking into the library after my lecture, hit the fifth floor, see a girl in tights using the printer and turning to leave. I stare at her for a while, not sure where I am focusing, when she gets closer I realise who she is, fuck, she is my ex-roommate, not as pretty as I remember her being, much more ordinary than my recollections but she was definitely her. She was wearing an angry scowl or possibly pouting, I rose my hand, made eye contact and twitched my mouth as if to say something, I couldn’t speak, I wanted to say “sorry” but the words just would not come. I felt embarrassed, I had shaved this morning but it was a rush job and I think a bit of facial hair makes me look better, my hair was also uncombed and scruffy looking, I was planning a haircut today.This is not about me, it is about her, I really want to know what she was thinking, can’t tell what her expression meant, initial thoughts were that it was anger, disgust, everything you would expect, though as the minutes passed I began to think it could possibly be a hidden smile, perhaps she thought  my actions were cute? Perhaps she had gotten one over on me without my knowledge. Who knows, it is impossible to tell. Know that we have finally, certainly, seen each other since the incident, I feel as if my hand has been forced, I will send her an email message today, apologizing for my disgusting behaviour and if there is any way in which I can repent.

In the lecture at the start of the day I saw the other Polish girl, the one from my class talking to the lecturer, who also happens to be the course co-ordinator, or something like that, bit of worry, notice her glancing at me and later staring at me with suspicion, could she have possible seen those facebook messages outing me as her “stalker” and reported me? My concerns were heightened just now, I logged into my blog to write about my encounter with my ex-roommate, I had just returned my blog to public view last night and today I have had a gargantuan number of views, including hits from facebook, a large portion of those views are coming from facebook, I am envisioning a few scenarios, not liking any of them. One very nice thing I noted though were hits from Irish flags, must be the guy from /epl/ who said he enjoyed reading my blog, he was telling the truth! He must have been checking my page every day hoping for it to become public again.

It’s only 11am, been writing since 10.30am, felt some interesting emotions, was shaking like a life after I saw her but now I am just excited that there have been some exciting developments in my day/life. I don’t even care if this all turns out badly for me, at least it is exciting, makes me feel like I am alive and not just going through the usual dull lethargic motions. These feelings can also be applied to other areas of my life, they should encourage me to do other activities that I am usually uncomfortable with, they should but they don’t.

Really cannot stress how plain she looked, this is some real psychological shit, I was always told that she was a 6/10 but I am only really seeing it for the first time now. It is obvious why I saw her as more (e.g. girl in engineering class).

Another huge surge in the number of hits later in the day, again a lot of them coming from facebook, really worried about this, makes no sense, I haven’t linked it anywhere today, other than the facebook “crowd” everyone checking it out must already have known of it’s existence, very worrying, who is reading this, where did they call come from? I think I am already fucked, going dark again won’t help me, should have stayed invisible.

Roommate brought he gf over, felt confident today, went out and got some water, didn’t look at them, probably felt so big because I have bigger problems to deal with right now. Still was not confident enough to make dinner while they were around.

Emailed her, sent to her uni inbox, said sorry, I really, truly, desperately am, would do anything to change things, think I have said that enough times, if not I have certainly felt it.

Semi committed to going to the student well-being counsellor again. I am very sceptical of their ability to help me, not looking forward to having to engage with him/her either.

A place I can call home

Saw an American “college movie”, depressing knowing how I squandered these years.

Tried Reddit and Wizchan now that /r9k/ has gone to shit, neither place is for me, might grow into Wizchan in time but for now I will take myself to /brit/. Made a few realisations, I am afraid to go to the kitchen because I am ashamed of the food I prepare and hence worry what they will think of me. I also struggle to ask for help because I cannot imagine how anyone could possibly help one as lost as I.

Given up on the whole facebook thing, she is going to an event at the Art Gallery tomorrow, over 1000 people attending, no tickets required, should be easy to blend in, trying to find a buddy to hang with me.

No revision done today, this is clearly a problem, need to get on it, exams are less than 2 months away. Skipped tutorial classes, think I should probably go next week, need any help I can get.

Mum and my little sister called today, call lasted 30 minutes. Nothing much was said, they did most of the talking, could tell I didn’t want to speak at full volume.

Turning Point

Woke up at 10, did not go in to the lecture this Wednesday either, had some tutorial work to do for tomorrow (will not be attending those either) but I ended up putting it off for 6 hours, not sure what I did in that time other than dress up a fake facebook account in a bid to add her again, got some interesting information, kept the page open for hours after sending the request until the account got locked, must have been flagged by someone who recognised the pics I was using.

It was crushing seeing that “locked” screen, I really had my heart set on being able to see her again, finding out how she was doing, was hung up on it for a few hours before thinking I need to take more drastic action, contacting her, I still have not apologised to her, so that could be an excuse to open up dialogue between us, I do not think it will end well, it is something that needs to be expertly manoeuvred if I am to get what I want. I am also thinking of linking her to this blog, laying my soul bear to her, so she can understand me, she might respect my honesty and desire to make amends. There is also the part of me thinking that she is gone and I am powerless to change things, any action I take will be futile, I struggle to believe this, if there are options, it seems harmless to exp, after all in life you regret what you did not do.

Spent the remaining 6 hours of the day working on my tutorial work, went better than expected. Need to pace. Also went to Asda, bought a chocolate cereal and Doritos, notice a litre of Lucozade for £1, might get some of that over the weekend. I try to eat healthy but when my roommates are around I get snacks that I can eat in my room without the need of the kitchen to prepare them. The Doritos were not even very satisfying.

It appears as if I have failed in my bid to join a gym, perhaps the embers of this dream will be set alight once more in a few months time.

Worrying about my exams, not even looking forward a few more month into the job market.

Still Stupid

Spent time working on tutorial work for two different classes, went terribly, I put in the time but settled on the fact that I had done it wrong and will wait for the solution to be released, the second piece of work took my 3 hours, followed the example, I have difficulty digesting the question, I follow the example instead of understanding the process. Feeling very panicked, procrastinating, easting, putting off even looking at more questions or revising to understand where I went wrong, it is too painful, I feel worthless and worry I will not be capable of finding the necessary information or understanding it.

None of this is good, during the one week Easter Break I am hoping I will have enough energy to put together some notes and do some quick but important revision.

A guy and girl needed to slide past me in class at uni, the guy called me “pal” and the girl smiled at me, I looked disgruntled that I had to get up for them, still it felt nice that they acknowledged me. I do wonder what they really think of me though. I imagined the girl was my gf for a little while, I have a problem there but she is not pretty enough to get hung up over.

Much more bored of that private femdom tracker now.

Stupid

Stayed back after the lecture to work on a tutorial question, I found it difficult, I didn’t understand some of it and it took me longer than it should to get through it. I felt very angry at myself. Tried to revise at home but couldn’t get into it.

There is a Lucozade bottle in the fridge, not sure who if it is my roommates or he dug my pissbottle out of the trash. Tried opening it since if it was his it would be sealed, the bottle was not particularly strong or weak, I could not tell if it had already been opened. Will just wait a while, see where it goes. Hoping I had one extra bottle but I doubt it, definitely had all 6 of them.

Got my washed clothes, they feel great, very snug.

Loving the horde of femdom videos I got yesterday.