Alright class, split into groups!

I woke up 15 minutes earlier than yesterday, the train wasn’t as full but I still couldn’t find a seat, not worth it. Ate cereal for breakfast but packed the same low calorie lunch as yesterday. Started taking Propraponol again, took two 40mg doses today. Forgot deodorant and to brush my teeth because my fluoride toothpaste requires me to do it after eating.

When I got into work at 8:50am after taking a detour so I wouldn’t arrive too early, I was greeted by the Pokemon player from yesterday, the only one to arrive earlier than me. We had a conversation about Pokemon that he initiated and I attempted to carry, I killed it when directing the conversation to Nintendo banning me. We’re on different wavelengths anyway, not even completed his Alola Pokedex, probably doesn’t IV breed. Nice of him to talk to me but I just don’t know what else to talk about, how the fuck do normies do it?

At work we continued our training. More PowerPoint and computers but there was a twist, some roleplaying (one person plays the customer, the other plays the sales agent). What happened next was straight outta school, just like this entire setup, we were told to get into groups of two but fortunately our “teacher” was aware there was an odd number of us in the class so I didn’t need to bring attention to my lonesome self. While she went out to find me a partner amongst the staff, I observed the other pairs. People tagged up with those sitting next to them, it was just unfortunate there were three tables of three and I was on one of them. The two EU nationals paired up, the two older individuals paired up, two of the asian girls teamed up, the DnD player paired up with the other guy who seemed to have offbeat interests that chatted him up yesterday. The last group was made up of the other two people sitting at my table, a hyper normie asian girl and a Shane Ward lookalike (compliment) who sat next to me, he speaks even less than me, not sure why, he previously worked in a midrange women’s department store, should be a normie, high functioning one too. Guess I felt angry/upset.

I did the first roleplay with a young woman, she was helpful and easy to talk to. I think I imitated a normie for the half an hour. There was another roleplay session later in the day but this time no one was available to partner with me so the teacher had to do, probably came across as weird due to my inability to maintain eye contact, I hope she realises it’s a general anxiety issue and nothing to do with gender. I didn’t like how she laughed at several things I said (my phonetic alphabet), I wasn’t making jokes. I understand she was trying to be nice though and put me at ease/raise my self esteem.

Played 3DS during both breaks and wondered around the shopping centre during lunch again.

The Hungarian woman sat opposite and near me during lunch/break, I was probably supposed to make conversation, too difficult.

17 win streak in the Battle Tree.

I was hungry after work and got a donner on chips and ate some chocolates.

Just an observation, saw a non-passing trans woman, possibly pre-HRT with her bf on the train. More interesting than the people I usually see.

A New Chapter

I woke up at 7am, took my E and had a few Brazil Nuts for breakfast. Later I showered, shaved and prepared my packed lunch (some more Brazil Nuts, a yogurt and a banana), the only other prep was choosing my outfit, I wasn’t sure what exactly “smart casual” meant or what to expect from other employees, I eventually settled on jeans, trainers and a red shirt (not a work shirt).

I arrived at the train station at around 8am but was unprepared for the morning rush, after getting to the front of the queue that reached the foot of the stairs, I learned I was also unprepared to buy a season ticket as I had no photo. The train was packed, I was sandwiched between two guys, kept apologising for stepping on their toes. I’m guessing a lot of those on the train were students, usual triggering.

The journey to the work site was fine, I know my way around well enough now. I’m going to assume people at work may find my blog so I’m going to take the safe route and stick to regurgitating only positive facts and observations.

The call centre physical environment is trendy and the people working there seem to be too, quite young. Turns out training lasts 4 weeks, I don’t take calls until Friday, the woman overseeing the training was cool, tattoos everywhere, nosering and a couple of other facial piercings, kinda funny and her attitude and appearance reminded me of a school teacher I had, wouldn’t be surprised if they were related. On the topic of school, that’s exactly what this felt like, uni actually, sitting a watching the PowerPoint with some fiddling about on the computer.

In terms of socialising and my anxiety, the day was a disaster, when asked to speak in front of the class, I read my script quickly and weakly as if I were a terrified child back in education. The group I was training with was made up of 10 people, excluding myself, 7 white, 3 Asian females, 2 of the whites were EUs, a young Spanish guy so obviously quite cool at a distance and the other was a Hungarian woman, neither of them seemed to get into socialising so I missed my chance to make some friends there, though I doubt we had anything in common. The Asians were all normie, one was turbo normie, she worked here previously and during break it killed me to hear her and others being friendly. Couple of the others were a bit older.

There was however one guy who wore a neckbeard (by choice, a style thing), during his self introduction he said that he was a “gamer” and played DUNGEONS & DRAGONS, it’s like destiny but alas he was sniped, during break someone else was first to speask to him and it was about DnD no less. Can’t be too mad as I didn’t have the energy or confidence to speak to him anyway.

I spent the first break watching daytime TV in the break area though it seemed I was the only one trying to watch, the others were talking amongst themselves, it was triggering. I sat in front of the TV but it was an awkward position considering where others were (I sat too close). Lunch break was spent eating in the break room (others went out to eat), lunch was an hour though and eating took a few minutes so I spent the rest of the time in a bookstore. During the second break I just played my 3DS.

When leaving for the day, I headed to the bathroom first but the DnD guy gave me a prod and asked if I was a Pokémon Moon or Sun player (I said I spent my free time watching amime & playing Pokemon, updating my blog too so I wouldn’t sound like a complete loser) and flashed his 3DS, I smiled, maybe stuck a thumbs up and for some reason said “Sun” when it was “Moon” I played. Also probably fucked up the question, it was possibly rhetorical.

Anxiety really was bad, I had the shakes, I was terrified most of the time.

Cancelled my dentist appointment.

Got my tablet back.

Still Alone

I’ve been using my tablet to post on 4chan occasionally since I collected it from the police last week however my mother and sister got extremely angry at me for “posting on forums”, they thought this would get me arrested again, that I was doing something illegal, I was frustrated by their lack of knowledge and accusations but to get some peace of mind, I gave up my tablet device. My brother called me a “waster” and suggested I leave the family home.

I explained that all I was doing was “talking to people”, I don’t know why that offended them so much, they know I don’t have any friends or a social life. My mother doesn’t have any either, guess she just wants me to be miserable and go insane like her. I need social interaction, I need to be able t express myself and share my thoughts and feelings, the cunts on 4chan and those who read my blog know me better than anyone, they’re the only ones I have ever been able to talk to.

Ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, the first time in over a month, had a couple of slices of lasagna afterwards and two little chocolates. Just gotta count calories and staying under 2000 isn’t difficult.

I saw my uncle in the library again today, I was about to sit near him when I realised, then I diverted my course.

I think I might buy some a Dungeons & Dragons adventure module and play by myself, it might actually be fun.

Realised I sleep for 15+ hours a day, I should consider swapping my 6mg Progynova split around (4mg before before, 2mg when I wake up).

R.I.P. Shiny Mawile

I’m having issues with the callcentre as my name has been spelled incorrectly on their online service, I need to complete some stuff on it by 11am tomorrow in order to generate a contract. I’ve sent some emails across and initiated a name change application on the website but I feel this is partly my error as I was given the option to correct my name but skipped ahead and cannot go back to it. The big issue however, is that my details will be passed along to an agency that will check my background, I should be fine since my conviction is spent but I hear that will still show up on an enhanced DBS check, I don’t know if my status of “awaiting trial” means anything.

I have regained access to my primary email account but it isn’t enough to recover my shiny Mawile, it appears my 3DS was hit with another ban, this one affecting NNID and there is no way at all around it. The best I can do is use PKSM to transfer my Pokemon from Omega Ruby to Moon but then there’s the issue to getting them onto the next gen of games on the next gen of consoles.

Diet was ruined again yesterday, I skipped breakfast, had 300 calories for dinner then binged on chocolate digestives at night. Today followed a similar pattern, I had 4 Brazil nuts for breakfast and then around 4pm I ate perhaps 700 calories worth of chocolate digestives. Guess I should give up on keto and go back to a straight up low calorie diet while trying to minimise carbs. I think one of the reasons I am unable to commit to a diet is that I’ve lost too much weight around the face area and I want to get eating to increase gains to my face/hips/breasts.

Sat next to a sixth form paki in the library, this one was wearing a headscarf and after her hour on the computer was up she stayed at the computer desk, writing in her notebook and then used another hour when the usage limit had expired. There were other spare computers but this behaviour infuriated me. She was also quite suspicious, looking over at me and my computer screen.

I’ve been reading up on some of the great classic DnD adventures but after learning I might not get the job my enthusiasm has been dampened. My sisters probably wouldn’t want to play with me often anyway. Bought the Starter Box and Players Handbook anyway, that’s £45 gone and my first days pay.

Surprisingly longer entry

I’m still spending most of my day playing Pokemon but it’s infuriating that I can’t use Pokemon Bank until I reclaim my possessions from the police, it’s a NNID issue and I think I left a shiny Mawile in Bank under my NNID before I formatted and I can’t remember my login details. I’ll probably buckle and just get bank now. 300 mons registered, just need to catch Necrozma for that Shiny Charm.

Last night I spent a lot of time fantasising about working at the call centre, I imagined how I’d make friends, that I’d strike up conversation with a Pokemon fan while playing my 3DS during lunch break, he wouldn’t be as knowledgeable about IVs etc as me. I also thought I could befriend the qt receptionist, that train of thought veered off into a generic tranny fantasy.

Siblings are becoming offended that I call them “pig” and “piglet”, to me it’s a term of endearment but they see it as an insult.

Diet yesterday was awful, I started just fine, handful of Brazil nuts in the morning but then when I got back from the library, my mother had purchased a takeaway for me, chicken on chips. If I had stopped there things wouldn’t have terrible but around 6pm when I got home I noticed a box of biscuits on the coffee table, this infuriated me as I had had words with my mother before about why she even buys them and why she keeps them on display because no one wants biscuits as part of their diet, they don’t want that temptation. I think it’s some paki thing, she wants to buy and brag about owning fancy biscuits and she wants to feed people. Pakis don’t understand dieting or healthy eating.

My dad is still avoiding me but when he does encounter me, he walks on eggshells, today he offered me money to buy a burger meal, I told him I don’t want it, repeatedly, another paki that doesn’t understand a diet and thinks that money/food are everything.

Saw my 40 year old virgin NEET uncle who lives with his mother in the library, he was in and out in around 20 minutes, he sat opposite me, I said “hi”, he commented that I looked different with my hair, it irked me, as if he was mocking me, I didn’t reply. We then ignored each other until he was finished, he sat next to me briefly, I was updating my blog at the time but minimized the browser as he approached. He asked what I was doing, “writing”, he then asked what I was up to, told him I would start a call centre job on Monday, he belittled it, said that it couldn’t be much, I informed him that I would be paid above minimum wage, he harped on about how he thought I’d want something more challenging and made the strange statement that I should be aiming for work paying £10+/hour. I just told him I was content because it’s the truth. He regurgitated his speel about me needing to remember I’m “me” and that I should aim higher and that I’ll wake up eventually.

He’s a fucking cunt, he’s a major reason why I have various issues, he was my male role model and I’ve emulated him in so many fucking ways. It might seem like a good thing that he encouraged me to think I was special when I was younger but he went too far and didn’t ground his behaviour in reality, it made me delusional. He said so much idiotic crap and he still acts like a child, impossible to have a real conversation with, probably because if he took a real look in the mirror, he’d kill himself. Seeing him is like seeing a future reflection of myself and that’s why I’m so comfortable with killing myself sooner rather than later.

17 year old woman sitting next to me today was getting help getting her bennies and paying her rent. Yesterday paki was standing over the shoulder of a white woman who was filling out an online form to get the government/council to pay her rent to the paki (a whopping £100 a week), still don’t understand why pakis a buying up property here and renting it out for a pittance, the numbers don’t add up, it’s a terrible investment.

May as well finish this post with something positive. Shit I want to buy when I get a larger disposable income.

A proper PC, retailing at around £1000, I don’t necessarily want to play games, I just want a great version of something I’ll be using for several hours every day

A nice chink mobile phone £100-£200, I’m going to be stuck without mine for around 6 months so I should get a replacement I’m comfortable with

Dungeons and Dragons books, maybe I could get the starter box today?

RENT – I’m hearing around £350 in Manchester, I should get over the probation period at work before moving out.

Maybe put some away for plastic surgery/FFS and electrolysis, electro isn’t too expensive that I really need to save up though, I just need a stable continuous income unless I want to go for that intensive electro package over in Belgium

Turning Point 4

Got a that callcentre job, it pays above minimum wage, this is the first step to everything getting so much better for me. I felt euphoric reading the acceptance email. I’m going to take the Sertaline and Proprapronol I have stored to lower the chances of fucking this up, hope it’s not expired (obtained in September 2015).

Really feel like gloating and telling those who attempted to oppress me to get fucked.

Sat next to the chaser again, he posted on the facebook page, asking if anyone wanted a date with a single man and listed his town, that’s it.

Nothing but not down

Still no word from the callcentre I interviewed for, guess I better get cracking with my universal credit work search diary. Saw a man in the library today looking at pics of trans women, he stopped at a facebook page for “Crossdressers and transgendered”, I’ve seen this guy searching such thing before. One element of concern is how easy it was for me to take a peak at his screen, though I don’t think I have looked for anything to be embarrassed over, just some trans info.

Universal Credit came in yesterday, I might buy a blood test at the end of the month, if my E levels are still too low then I’ll increase the dose to 8mg/day, I feel I’ve waited long enough.

Diet was ruined again yesterday but today it seems to be going well. So far today I ate a small handful of peanuts and a slice of cheese. I’ve been told my cheekbones are quite defined now, that isn’t good, that means I have skelly face, this is so tricky, I need to cut to the point I lose fat where I want to and then I can start putting it back on so it goes to the right places, I thought I’d be able to cut much faster than I have.

I’ll begin the process of completing my Pokedex today, I’ve been delaying hunting the Ultra Beasts.

Something I should have noted earlier is that multiple detectives wrote statements against me but they were all dismissed, not sure if that’s the right word, same with my police interview, none of that is good enough to be evidence. I should have asked my solicitor what the detectives said.

Nothing coming up soon, the dentist and laser are both next week and my next court date is even further back than the following laser appointment.

Getting by

I haven’t received an email yet from the call centre, they said it would be three (working?) days before I got a response, I suppose it’s a knock then due to my availability. I don’t feel good about this but not as bad as I should feel, I thought this would be the first step in sorting out a life for myself (job>move out>friends>partner). Not sure what to do now.

I’m confident now that I will not be attending my counselling, I no longer feel like talking and with the time delay, it’s pointless, since month to month I’m never in the same place emotionally. As before there’s also the issue of not knowing what I want out of counselling. I have my meds and I’ll continue to take them and if things get too much, I’ll end myself, I’m completely comfortable with this. I will however re-register with my GP today, it doesn’t do anything positive to be without one. Nevermind, I’ve been removed from my surgeries list of patients as I requested last week, can’t be bothered to go through the full process of registering all over again. No GP probably means I’ve disappeared of the counselling list anyway.

Got some cash off my dad to cover the train tickets.

Playing Pokemon all day, got lucky with some IVs and wonder trades, spending my time EV training and such. Need to get a 6IV Ditto off /vp/ or wait for Bank. Using a Castform I was able to trade my way to an additional Cosmog, Type:Null and the Pokemon Sun exclusive legendary Pokemon. It feels much easier to stick to my diet now, no damage seems to have been done as I’m still around the 10 stone/140lbs mark.

All my day consists of is playing Pokemon, I’m happy enough with this, for now.

My mother has started praying and reading some religious text, it’s annoying me greatly. I mocked her to get my point across (you’re praying to someone that doesn’t exist, you don’t even understand the arabic text you’re reading, it’s basically a fantasy spellbook), I haven’t gone all in with the Muhammad being a pedophile and misogyny stuff yet and I doubt I will. My mother can’t refute my points, she only asks when I “lost” my faith, that’s when I remind her that none of us were ever religious, she ignores that and keeps asking the same stupid question.

I see a slightly chubby paki woman with a headscarf on a computer, I wonder if she has/is been abused in the same way as my mother. I feel sad now.

The paki men and other foreigners I see here only make me feel anger.

A Chinese man is holding a tablet suspiciously close to face with a look of desperation, he’s sitting at a computer but the tablet isn’t connected to it and the screen is turned away from his face.

The white people here don’t even register.

Pokemon 24/7

I’m enjoying playing Pokemon very much now that my game can connect to the internet, I’ve already made huge progress on completing my pokedex and besides, even if I didn’t, I’d just play download and play Pokemon Sun, catch the exclusives there and transfer them over when Bank is released. Got a Mimikyu with perfect IVs over WonderTrade, I can certainly imagine this becoming and addition, healthier than the alternatives.

Point of worry for me is that before leaving for court, I accidentally left my Biotin, Finasteride and empty box of Progynova on the floor in the middle of my room (moved them out while retrieving documents from the drawer), my brother at least must have seen them but he was already suspicious. It’s only the estrogen that can’t be explained. It could just be delusion but I am happier right now with how my face looks, 2 weeks is when you should start seeing the effects of laser.

The train journeys yesterday were not too bad as I could play Pokemon to pass the time (caught Castform) but I was slightly triggered by a couple of guys who I couldn’t tell if they were trans or just gay, they both had the same bowl haircut with the back short, not sure if this is some gay fashion thing or it’s so hair will grow out neater, they were both youngish and had bad skin, possibly from smoking (it’s a trans thing), the first just held his bad.handbag in a feminine way. The second guy was with two female friends, had a higher pitched but still obviously male voice and spoke of fucking guys. What throws me is that they were both presenting as male, wearing male clothes from some sub-culture I’m unfamiliar with, neither really had female features and based on stuff neither was on HRT. The second guy really triggered me, I wish I had (female) friends, who I could speak with the way he does, even if they are chubby gingers with nose-rings. I was sitting being the second guy and his friends during the train ride in which they spent the entire time speaking loudly, we made eye contact, it was uncomfortable as I was trying to get a good look at him to reach a conclusion.

I just hate seeing and hearing about other trans people because it makes me compare myself to them, it’s the same with other people who I share something flimsy with.

Diet going poorly, 135 is now an end of March goal if I’m being realistic.

No one giving me much attention regarding court.

Read this article about a trans-woman (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-38637837), I don’t think the statement she made about shrinking is true though I’m sure I used to be taller than 5’8.

“As a guy, it was lonely because people were nice but didn’t really engage with me.”, I can agree with that and “You get way more attention as a woman, and you assume that anybody could be a threat.” would explain why the Polish girls and female university staff have behaved the way they have done.

Conclusion postponed

Played a bit of Pokemon during my journey and prior to leaving home I ruined my diet again.

Aberdeen is freezing, even colder than my town has been, I got in about an hour before my appointment with my solicitor, I stuck it out in the waiting room. When it was finally time for the meeting I was shocked to learn a large dog was kept in the office, he parked at me aggressively and repeatedly, I didn’t feel anything as I was safe where I stood. The meeting was mid-length, he read out the statements, I commented, probably sounded like a cocky idiot, the issue however was that the Crown had not yet turned over the alleged emails so we could not prepare a defence. That was all, no charges dismissed or any attempt to do so. No interest in my letter either. Bit of an awkward moment when he mentioned “gender dysphoria” in one of the statements, I just stated mater of factly that it was something I posted and my blog. On the way out he asked what I was up to, just said that I might get a call centre job soon and mummy won’t let me use the internet at home. Maybe I should have said something about counselling. He was a nice man, knew how to use words to comfort me.

Waiting in the Sheriff Court, an older man made conversation with me for around an hour, he was intelligent, knew about art, my town and the corruption of the police and council. He had previously won cases against the police and was again pressing charges against them. I was eventually called, the proceedings lasted less than 5 minutes, both parties agreed to postpone the trial for 2 months (Trial will be in April and I’ll need to travel here again in March) while evidence was gathered (15 devices need to be examined). My solicitor apologised for the wasted trip.

Think I’ve sorted my 3DS. I’m not feeling up to creating any mischief, I just don’t have it in me right now, want to get home and call it a day.

But McDonalds first. It’ll be alright if I don’t eat anything else today.