Nothing but a phone monkey

I took as much sleep as I could get this morning, I left myself only 40 minutes or so to get out of the house. It was raining in the morning, it was a plesant change from the clear skies and sun which had become boring to me.

At work, I was put on the phones for my entire shift, it was difficult to get through, especially since 4chan was blocked on the computer I sat at today. Instead of putting customer on hold, I changed my tactic and instead when I got a customer who was elderly or this one guy who had special needs, I stayed of the line with them for 30 minutes, carefully and repeatedly explaining how to do something, when they failed, I’d just do it myself for them, adding further length to the call.

Around during the midpoint of the day, I had someone who couldn’t hear me on the phone so I started shouting my greeting/introduction, several people in the office laughed, I blushed. I had a brief chat with football guy about the Europa League final last night though I didn’t get to watch it, I just went off a BBC article I’d read that morning.

I thought I’d wrapped up right in the morning but it didn’t stop me from catching a cold when I eventually returned home. The hours I had before sleep were spent finishing “Yakuza 3”, the ending was somewhat strong but still one of the weaker entries into the series in terms of story. My laptop had issues, the keyboard and mouse weren’t working when I turned the thing on and so I was unable to use it for most of the night, this was quite distressing but it’s all been resolved now, hopefully.

Back to toil in a flash

I woke up at 10am and played a chapter of “Yakuza 3”, I’ve cleared chapter 10 and really not gotten into the story for this one at all, it could be because I’m not listening to the audio, I’m listening to YouTube videos while reading the subtitles during the 30 minute long cutscenes. Before heading to work, I checked out HotUKDeals and spotted that “Yakuza 4” & “Yakuza 5” were both on sale, I snagged them for a total of £8.18, I’ll finally be able to play every main series Yakuza game, it’s just a shame that my trophy % of some of them is going to be quite low.

At work, I was on the phones but I was able to post on /britfeel/ throughout the day, as it has done for years, it helped me maintain my sanity. I’ve become more frustrated at one of the people who only does webchat and never works the phones, she screws up often and when she doesn’t know what to do, she just tells them to email in, hope she gets called up on it soon.

The day eventually ended, I was home for 10pm, I listened to the Hamilton soundtrack on my way back. I ate a couple plates of rice and played more Yakuza while listening to YouTube videos.

I was excited to learn the PS Plus games for June are “Sonic Mania” and “Borderlands: The Handsome Collection”, I’m sure quirky guy will be checking out the latter.

Does that count as a pass?

There were a lot of shades of last Tuesday today, I felt anxious because I felt like I should be doing more. I managed to do the most important thing though which was emailing the FFS clinic again, I’m going to take any date for a consultation that they’ll give me. Once that was done, I just played some Yakuza 3 on and off for the rest of the day.

When I took breaks from the game, I went out to get pizza, watch “DragonBall Super: Broly” and the most recent episode of JoJo. When walking home after collecting my food, I walked passed 3 white guys, one almost backed into me and another said “watch your back, luv”, I hurried passed and then another said “I thought it was a man”, I increased my distance but still managed to catch the word “trans”, “tranny” or “transgender” after that. Not a bad result since I looked an absolute mess and didn’t put any effort into looking clean, let alone feminine, I just wanted to go under the radar and quickly grab my pizzas.

The DragonBall film was enjoyable, not quite as good as “Battle of the Gods” but at least the second best DragonBall film, I liked how everyone was friends at the end, there was also humour that landed with me. JoJo still sucks, only 8 more episodes until it’s over, too late to redeem itself now.

I went out again later to grab some Coke Zero and closed out the day with more Yakuza 3. Since I scoffed a full pizza, I’ll be taking laxatives tonight, I’m not happy that I ate so much but the reason I ate so much is because I’m not happy to begin with.

Painful Failure

I woke up at 10am but I didn’t feel well rested, I’d have slept longer if not for the fact I had to head to the opticians to get fitted for my contact lenses free trial. Before heading out, I shaved my body hair and put on my favourite outfit though I’m quite sick of it now. Maybe I’ll buy some new clothes tomorrow.

I took the train to Manchester and arrived in the city centre 30 minutes early. With the time I had to burn, I headed to HMV to do some window shopping and CEX where I impulse bought a copy of “Yakuza 3”. The selection of PS3 games was shockingly bare, or it was until I saw a guy carrying a shopping basket full of games, I guess that also balanced out how much longer the queue to sell stuff to the store was than the queue to buy stuff. The staff were all “alt” types, I didn’t appreciate their discriminatory hiring policy or that the guy who served me didn’t acknowledge my niche taste in video games. Walking through the shopping centre, I saw numerous attractive cis women who all triggered my dysphoria, that’s what I hate about cities, in towns there are fewer people and they’re generally less attractive.

When I finally decided to head into the opticians, I was told to go upstairs as that was the “contact lens centre, I then checked in and waited a few minutes to be seen. The staff were all women, the one who checked my eyes had a minor tummy, her body shape was similar to my own, finally something I was happy to see. She also told me the basics of contact lenses, I wasn’t saying much so asked a question I already knew the answer to in order to seem engaged and intelligent. I opted for the daily disposable lenses and was then asked to wait again. After 10 minutes, the receptionist told me it would 15 more minutes, so I left and came back, during my travels, I popped into “The Works” and “Waterstones”, I didn’t buy anything.

When I returned to the opticians, a paki was ready to see me. She placed my contact lenses on one side of the table and handed me two tubs of “tester” contact lenses that I’d use now to practice putting them in. I washed my hands in the nearby sink and then followed her instructions on how to remove the lenses from the packages, I was surprised by how soft they were, I didn’t even realise one was on my finger tip. She then pulled her eye apart using a middle finger and index finger, I looked in the mirror and didn’t the same, she then encouraged me to put the lens in, I tried but couldn’t keep my eye open long enough or even aim for the centre. I tired a few more times before she suggested another technique, it was similar, the difference was that now I was supposed to look downwards. The issue was looking in the mirror, when I saw the finger approaching, I just had to bling, it may also have factored in that I had dry eyes as the previous optician mentioned. At this point I’d had enough and said that this wasn’t worked and attempted to leave, the woman convinced me to try something else, so now I’d face sideways and then try putting it in, I didn’t even understand how this was different since I still had to look straight into the mirror to put the lens in. I had finally had enough and gave up, I said that I couldn’t imagine doing this every day. I wasn’t making any progress though I might have had more luck at home by myself, it wasn’t a great environment to practice this and I felt bad because the woman didn’t tell me if my failures were normal but based on her shifting techniques, I assumed that I was taking longer to get it than most people or I was just so far off that I had to try something else. As I was leaving, I was advised to try watching some YouTube videos and come back to try again at some points.

This hit me hard, I failed at something, something I wanted. Contact lenses might not have massively changed my life but would have changed it to some extent and it didn’t matter that I wanted this, that I tried to get it to work, I just couldn’t. I hated myself, I know this is a result of the “programming” I received at the various mosques/madrassas I attended as a kid but knowing why doesn’t make it any easier to shake. It just reinforced the old adage of “never try, never fail”, it avoids pain like this.

When I pulled back into my hometown, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind about what I was going to do, I grabbed a burger meal and went home to watch YouTube videos, post on 4chan and play vidya. Yakuza 3 is quite dated graphically but not that or anything else distracted from my pain for too long, I left like hurting myself, cutting myself but ultimately I didn’t.

Silent toil

Today was another minor challenge, I found the fist few hours at toil frustrating since I didn’t have access to a particular program. After that problem was solved, I just silently chugged along. It wasn’t a happy time nor was I down, it was just a period of existence.

I saw more black male/white female couples around, it’s a more common sight that any other and something I’m exposed to every single day.

I bought a copy of “Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor”, it’s the Game of the Year edition. Despite buying another video game, I don’t expect vidya to be my main activity during my time off, I have a lot planed and it could possibly be a turning point.

The most productive thing I did today was mildly edit the lyrics of some “Hamilton” songs. They were amusing but I don’t think anyone understood the true meaning behind them.

Toil, Toil, Toil, Toil

I’m done with “One Piece: World Seeker” now, I played a bit before work a bit more afterwards, the final cutscene felt like watching the anime so despite not being able to recommend it, I can say it had something worth seeing.

Work was more bearable than the days that came before, I talked a little with the guy sitting next to me but I can’t imagine myself making small talk with others, I try but there’s no ice breaker I can think of or common interest we can discuss, I honestly cannot use my full imaginative prowess to conjure up a fantasy conversation in my head, it’s frustrating because they people have made an effort with me and said “hello” and “goodbye” to me often despite my attempts to slip in and out of the office unnoticed.

My sister called me as I was coming home, she was just passing on a message from my mother about there being food for me, they didn’t even know I wasn’t home, they assumed I was in my bedroom. I was disappointed to find that the food was just chips and buns, so homemade chip muffins. I was perhaps a bit rude to my mother when I learned this.

Toil is what you make it

For the first hour of the day I was on webchat, then I was moved to phones, it was explained that this was just to cover someones break, I was then shortly put back on webchat but then after 20 minutes, it was the phones again until the lines shut, again, it was explained to me and I was asked if it was OK to put me on the phones, I really regret sending that message asking for people to be on the phones less, everyone must think I’m a whining child.

I sat alone, in a corner but there was a moment near the end of the day when I got away from my desk since a team leader had to take my escalation. I went over to the ping-pong guy and chatty football guy, guess that’s what I’ll him from now on, or just football guy, we talked a little and exchanged one laugh, I was encouraged to not sit so far away, I explained that the only reason I do it is because I know that those seats are free.

At home, my mother commented on how flat my stomach has become, I responded by saying that I’m still not as slim as I’d like. I then went to my room and played “One Piece: World Seeker”, I’ll be done with it over the weekend. Not sure what to move onto next.

Goodbye is a hard word

Today was another drag and I feel like people around me could tell, I was even more unenthusiastic than usual, this is despite not taking many calls, it might be because I was seated next to people who just do webchat and never take calls. I’m still bitter about that and cite it as one of the three reasons I’m keen to leave this place. Before I got to work, I quickly applied for two jobs, both on indeed. On the way to work I say a poster for the new Godzilla film, I like the look of King Ghidora, my laptop wallpaper has featured the character for over a year.

The day moved along and a higher up asked for my insight on a process, I was able to answer well enough and for once appeared to be turned on and engaged. There was a difficult customer later in the day but they hung up while on hold.

I tried to leave quietly but one guy spotted me and said goodbye, it felt nice though I always find it difficult to say “goodbye” to others when they’re leaving, I don’t want people to think I don’t appreciate their efforts or that I don’t care enough to bid them farewell but I’m not capable to expressing myself, why I try to force a “goodbye”, I just mumble quietly to myself.

At home, my mother asked me to watch “The Big Bang Theory” finale with her, I declined, telling her I do not feel welcome in the living room. I went to my room and played “One Piece: World Seeker” for a couple of hours. I browsed my usual boards for a while and was dismayed to learn that the guy I met in London are having another meetup but I’m not invited, nor is Shippy, it’s a real kick in the teeth and a reminder than I’m even lonelier than I thought.

Remember the 22

Today was a typical toil day except there was even less interaction with coworkers than usual, I was also on the phones for first 6 hours of the day. I was just a passenger, it didn’t feel like there were any opportunities to make this day special, the other notable moment was the minutes silence for the anniversary of the Manchester Arena bombing, I was a little late to put my customer on hold so was still talking while everyone else was silent.

My payslips are concerning, I think I might be overpaid, there isn’t a sufficient breakdown so I’m not sure. I sent an email to my manager as I was leaving but before I could get out, she called over to me and cleared things up for me a little.

At home I didn’t eat too badly but I didn’t eat well, at least I shouldn’t be putting on weight.

Return of the ‘pression (again)

I’m not sure when I woke up, I think it was quite late in the day. I kicked things off by playing “One Piece: World Seeker”, it’s a short game, so I’m sure I’ll be done with it soon. There was an email in my inbox from the place I was supposed to interview at today, I didn’t open, I know what it will say.

My father entered my room, uninvited, as he always does. Today he wanted me to search for car auctions, I don’t know why. When we were done, I checked my emails again and found that 3 of the “Magic the Gathering” trading cards listed had sold, they pulled in around £25 altogether. Combined with the £14 from the other card I sold, that just leaves me £60 in the hole on that booster box and bundle I bought. On the topic of Magic, the rest of my purchases arrived today, a nice deck box, some more low value cards.

My venture outside for the day saw me going to the post office and the corner shop to post my items, the paki at the corner shop overcharged me for a stamp, 75p, I’d have said something but he stuck it on the envelope before giving me the price. There was also white woman, likely a drug addict who wished me happy Ramadan, she was about to ask me for money but I bluntly said I’m not fasting and turned away.

I ate a lot today, I’ve been doing that a lot recently, it’s an indicator of depression. I think this might be the case, knowing my family doesn’t/won’t accept me for who I am has hit me hard. I painted my toenails a couple of days ago but I’m wearing socks whenever I leave my bedroom in order to avoid confrontations with family members. I’ve also been made aware that a team leader at work used the term “tranny”, there don’t appear to be any safe spaces for me anymore.