1%

Didn’t talk to anyone outside my family apart from the woman who sits next to me, she initiates every time, I’m not rewarding her efforts, it’s too difficult to hold a conversation, I don’t have the motivation for it right now.

Despite not taking part in many conversations, I do eavesdrop and overhear a lot, either in the break room or on the desks in front of and behind me, they’re somewhat enjoyable conversations, sometimes only because the participants seem to be having fun but I don’t think I’d have anything to contribute even if I’m vaguely interested in the topics being discussed (football, films).

Skipped lunch.

My dad is back from his holiday and seems in good spirits, we only greeted each other.

My meetup is tomorrow but I’m 99% certain I’ll be stood up. I’ll head to the meeting point for that 1%.

A new depression

Today was the same as every other day, my current job is effort, time moves quickly but it comes at the cost on constant looming dread. I’ve also noticed I’m only answering the absolute easiest of emails now, partially because I’m afraid of screwing up again and partially because I haven’t been given the training to do my job as efficiently as others.

I didn’t talk to anyone apart from the woman next to me.

Little guy and bully are going to see a film together or at least that’s what it sounds like. Obviously I’m incredibly bitter but not surprised, I outed myself as being unable to dissect media and the little guy is friends with literally everyone.

I shoulder barged a couple of people on the street who wouldn’t allow me enough walking space, one was an old man with his partner, the other was a woman with her partner and kid. Called a woman on the train pathetic for being so eager to get of the train.

Planning another meeting with a poster from one of my generals, pretty sure I’ll get stood up but I don’t have anything to lose. My only concern is that Saturday will be busy.

Mystery solved in record time

Saw the trans person on my way to work, I was bold and asked if they quit, told me they didn’t pass probation, I tried jokingh they hung in for 6 months and not to feel bad as I’ve screwed up plenty the last 2 weeks. The way I actually said it, it didn’t flow well or come across as funny. Going to start taking a different route to and from work to avoid them now.

Work again wasn’t too bad, it’s the time away that causes problems as I have no control and expect issues to mount until my return. My water bottle is getting quite dingy, I need to buy a new one I probably look unhygienic.

The day woman sitting next to me made multiple attempts to speak to me today, it was work stuff and I was able to reply but not carry, I felt my lack of eye contact showed disinterest. She did me minor favour by picking up an email of mine while I was off yesterday, it was causing me immense stress and she resolved what could have been another screwup for me. I didn’t express gratitude at all because I didn’t register how much it meant immediately.

I made awkward eye contact with many. I sat next to a coworker during lunch, I thought he was on the phone but he got up without acknowledging me.

My team coach brought up another error, it was from last month, she didn’t care much as it was from back when I was on the phones. She told me not to get down because I’m in quality assurance so often, she knows “what I can do”.

Ate poorly but no arguments with my family.

Angry pig

Today was my day off work, I spent most of it stressing about various things related to my job, mostly just thinking another screwup is going to be uncovered while I’m away, I feel as if there is physical pain in my head, I still just want to quit and recover then maybe start again in a few months when I’m feeling strong and motivated again. This suffering is different to being NEET it’s like being back in school. Currently I’m muttering “stupid” to myself repeatedly.

Big argument with my sister over the television again, the net result is nothing changing. I might just stay in my room now and watch media on my tablet until I get my laptop back. My mum left and hasn’t come back yet, I can’t remember her staying out so late before.

One of my sisters genuinely worries I may kill myself if left alone.

The remainder of my day was used to finish InFamous and watch Orange is the New Black.

Trial in 2 weeks, I’ll pull a sicky rather than risk having my holiday request rejected.

Missing the forest for the trees

My screw-up from yesterday was nothing, I resolved it in about a minute. No consequences at all.

The real screw-ups were the ones I wasn’t even aware of, one back in June and another earlier in the month,  together I’ve cost the company around £500, my team coach had to have a chat with me, had to formalise the fact I’d been made aware of what I’d done though she was cool about it, understood I hadn’t been sufficiently trained. It altered my mood, I’m still down but I was thinking of quitting earlier as I realised how little agency I actually had, there are no plans to train me, if I need things doing, I don’t ask my manager/coach, I just have to do it in the longest and most tedious way possible. I don’t even get what the point of me doing this job is.

I feel heightened anxiety because now I don’t know how many errors to expect, every email I send is potentially an error, I just can’t see them.

I spoke to the woman sitting next to me a little, poor communication, I need to work on speaking clearly and not responding in a defensive way, it kills the conversation before it even gets started. She asked what I was doing, I just responded that I’m in talks with IT. Should’ve told her my problem.

On the way out of work, I think I looked at someone in a creepy way, I just wanted to know who was walking beside me, my peripheral vision sucks because of my hair.

I enjoy Black Sabbath.

Considering getting laser on my hands. Should’ve started months ago.

Need to buy clothes for the colder weather.

2 weeks in – screwed up already

Just me and one other person in today, didn’t talk at all apart from the goodbyes. For the most part I just got on with my work, a guy from the customer service department came over and asked for some figures to put together a report, I didn’t know what to do but was prepared to give it a go, I didn’t need to though as he gave me an out, “if you don’t know, that’s OK”. He asked someone else to do it, they said I should have been able to.

I hate how I’m expected to just know how to do things since getting this new job, there was no induction or training, I’m just sitting in a new seat. I don’t know any of the necessary commands on the system, or how to pull up a report or even how to use certain programs. It’s frustrating, I feel like quitting over this. It wouldn’t be so bad if the other new starter was in the same position but be seems to know everything, I don’t know if he was taught beforehand or asked someone afterwards, it doesn’t matter much, I asked someone just before I started, the guy who trained me and he told me to ask a manager or coach if I ever need it doing, not that I ever see him get off his backside.

Fucked up at the end of day, not sure if I should own up to it tomorrow and try to fix it or wait for it to be uncovered in a month and play dumb. I hate myself, now they have an excuse to avoid giving me more responsibility.

At home my mother didn’t cool anything, she just bought a burger and fries. I made matters worse by eating chocolate afterwards. My sisters and I argued again, they refuse to close the living room door behind themselves out of spite yet demand I do things to make the living area more comfortable for them such as moving a stool. My sister essentially called me a manchild again and told me that my life would never change.

I don’t think I’ll be spending any more for a long time, I don’t have much passion for vidya (I’ll buy the new Pokémon game and a new 2DS since Nintendo banned me though) or manga/comics and I’m too scared to buy new clothes. Maybe hitting 5 figures will open some doors for me.

Responsibility with a handicap

Work was quiet, just me and one other guy in the department were in today, he’s the guy who sits opposite me. He made some attempts to communicate but I squandered them, they were work relates icebreakers but my responses weren’t good enough for different reasons each time, my comments reflected badly on myself or I didn’t express myself well enough and was unclear. He spoke about NETFLIX shows to the lone person in working social media today, he’s into Star Wars but I had nothing to jump in with.

I was able to keep on top of work to the best of my abilities but I’m still lacking the knowledge to perform one semi-vital action on the system, at first I was just mildly annoyed that no one taught me this but now I’m upset, I discovered the quirky guy knows how to do it, I don’t know who taught him but I feel as if I’m valued less. I’m just going to irritate my manger/coach by asking them to do stuff for me and maybe even screw up a little to drive home the point that I can’t do this thing that I was never taught to do and how do they expect me to do my job properly? It’s really making me unhappy, it makes my life more difficult but no one seems to care. Bitterness is another emotion I’m feeling, perhaps the strongest.

Messed up at the end of the day, when I was the only person in the department left, it should go undiscovered though. A guy asked me something, I needed him to repeat himself 3 times, I shouldn’t have needed that, I feel as if I hurt his feelings and insulted him. It was just one word I struggled with.

At home I saw my sister watching Strictly Come Dancing in SD, I picked up the remote next to her and switched it to HD, she was annoyed for some reason and switched it back to SD out of spite, in retaliation I pulled the TV aerial from the box, she went upstairs. At the end of the day we were on better terms, shared some laughs.

I overheard a conversation, the trans person was fired and coworkers were being mean to them. I wonder what could have been the cause of the firing if others are aware of it and assume they didn’t just quit like I did? Tragic that due to my poor social skills this mystery will forever go unsolved.

Injured warrior

I woke up with a cold this morning, my nose ran like a faucet all day, I was running to the bathroom every hour to get more tissue paper. Despite how often I got up I was unable to maintain a strong and hygienic image, I did the usual desperate a messy things when my tissue was soaked or I had to sneeze. Later it the day I also developed a fever and became light headed. My limbs also hurt and it’s difficult to move around. I powered through the day, I’ve never taken a day-off for genuinely being unwell, I’m sure people notice, I looked a mess.

Didn’t talk to anyone apart from my manager and another coworker I needed quick aid from. There was a very short mostly work related interaction at the start of the day with the quirky guy and another guy, I just had to go over and tell them something. During lunch is brought some Coke Zero, I’m not sure why I thought it’d make me feel better, I only took a few sips. While sitting down, drinking and playing Hearthstone, the quirky guy sat a few seats away, I guess it was my turn to interact or he’s just given up on me.

Getting into and leaving work I noticed a lot of people wearing black, navy and khaki coats, I was among that number. I wish I had the courage and fashion sense to wear something bolder and more expressive. On the train to work this runt decided to stand directly opposite me so he could be in fucking distance of his two equally inbred uni pals. Made reading my news paper difficult but he was able to read his A5 sized med book with relative ease. I tried to make things uncomfortable for him by leaning my paper against his head.

Things kicked off with the sisters again, they hate that my mum is favouring me despite acknowledging my fragile attachment. This time it was an argument about food, the worst part of this one was that I made a brilliant effort today, as soon as I got home I complimented one sisters new glasses and the others top.

Saw a young white girl leaving a shisha bar, not sure what to make of it.

Saw the trans ex-colleague again too.

On even ground (or there abouts)

I’m finding my balance at work, I had one query that I had to close today, it had 34 replies in the email chain but I was finally able to shut it down even if the customer was moderately unhappy. I also had a short meeting with my manager along with the two other new people to the team (quirky guy and bully guy, bully guy is working social media), nothing much was said, he was just formally introducing himself and asking how we were getting on. I think I did something wrong at the end when I was asked if I was sure I was getting on OK, not sure if I was being laughed at or it was just a polite awkward laugh.

Didn’t talk much during the day, it was just a very short exchange with the little guy, asked how he was doing, brought attention to his Manchester United Official Museum Tour thing around his neck, he gave me a story about how he used to live in America, met a Swiss guy and they met up again recently.

My throat is sore now somehow despite not speaking much.

Pretty sure the trans person has a new job, saw them as I was going to and leaving work, I assumed the ID card around their neck was their university ID card but I don’t believe that’s the case anymore. Would probably be weird to talk to them now, insulting even.

My current plan is to get more antidepressants, get energy and then join a book club to make friends. Moving out can come at any point during this step, if I fail making friends I’ll go back into counselling since I would have made an effort as suggested by my previous counsellor and failed.

Detaching

Work was pretty much the same as usual, I’m coping with the work but it’s a balancing act, I’m close to messing up irreparably every day. Still not talking to anyone on or around my desk.

Apart from my manager and a short interaction with the little guy who popped around to my work area to ask another person a question, the only interaction I had was during my lunch period when the quirky guy interacted with me (suspects he reads this blog, if so, please leave me alone, it’s painful). He said something about Persona 5, I didn’t catch it so I just said I Platinum’s it and sold it, I didn’t really hear his reply either, I think he said “guess that means you’re not playing it”, he went on about some collector editions for the game, I responded with facts, looking back he might have said he bought the game, I don’t know why I had such difficulty hearing him. I was rude not to talk more about the game if this was the case. He looked disappointed when I said I don’t collect vidya, I play and sell my games, he has his on display against a wall, I should have responded with details of my comic book collecting.

Saw the trans person on my way to work, think they’ve quit now and are back at uni. Eye contact was made, I said “hey”.

At home I had a lengthy and loud argument with my sister, she admitted to reading the letter from my counsellor to my GP, she wants me to take up the offer of therapy, I declined but she wouldn’t relent until I said it would take months before I am seen. My sister believes I’m the cause of my mothers anxiety and erratic behavior.

I need to find a book club or social group ASAP.