I’m not toothless

The working part of my week has been nothing, I do as much or as little as I feel comfortable with, any pressure I had before has now disappeared knowing that there really is nothing expected of me.

On the Thursday I had my Root Canal appointment with my Pakistani dentist, he said it would take an hour but luckily it only took 10 minutes because he found the nerve so quickly, it didn’t hurt my I had to swallow often because of the saliva accumulating in my throat. When leaving though I realised I forgot my payment card so went back home, I bumped into my cousin, she has been messaging me on WhatsApp to ask if I’m OK but I’m ignoring her, I don’t know what to say, I’m not OK but I don’t want to talk, it’s a waste of time, it won’t fix anything. She asked me outright if I was OK and I said I was, she pushed to drive me back to the dentist but I rebuked her.

When I got back to the dentist, there was confusion over how much I should pay since the previous receptionist incorrectly put my previous appointment down as an “emergency appointment” instead of a simple Band 1. I stood my ground and got my way, a £23.80 discount, while arguing, I got a bit racist but she didn’t realise, I said “you’re all the same to me” I caught myself part way and amended what I intended to say (something more along the lines of “you all look the same to me”). The receptionist was white.

At night my mother asked if I was OK and if she could enter my room, I refused her entry and told her I was fine.

More Revelations

I have had a series of revelations over the last 2 weeks and I need to regroup and rebuild. Some of these are thoughts that have smacked me in the face before but I needed reminding.

The first revelation came during my driving lesson, I have now had 30 lessons and my instructor tells me I’m not ready to take the test on the 16th of June, he’s refusing to take me as it will look bad for him, he has a reputation to uphold. Though this isn’t set in stone just yet, on my next lesson we will do another mock test and I need to score 2 or fewer major faults. On my most recent, he says I got about 7. My youngest sister passed her driving test this week, we both started around the same time but she took a break so I think she’s actually had fewer lessons, most people have, I looked through my instructors diary, he writes numbers next to his students names to denote the number of lessons they’ve had, no one else has had even 20. I have options, I could pay another instructor £100+ to take me to the test but my instructor is probably right, I’m not ready, revelation, I’m not that smart, maybe I never was, maybe I never wasted my potential, perhaps there was just a moment in time that I was the tallest dwarf and that skewed my perception.

The second revelation occurred at my workplace, I have been thinking why no one ever tells me what to do, there are days when I work for around 3 hours, I make mistakes and nothing is ever said of it, I really do just turn up, get paid and go back home, there was a conversation I overheard a while ago about the new owners of the company making a push for diversity, it will explain why the last 3 people to fill a particular job role have all been black, it’s intentional, the guy is the only black in the department and I’m the only Pakistani. I am a diversity hire, I’m not paid to work, I’m just paid to be there, I’m not the fabled legendary one in a million Pakistani or the “Golden Pakistani” believed to appear one every century, white people aren’t nice to me because they can sense I’m special, actually, I still can’t figure that bit out but the takeaway from this is that I should stop thinking that I’m better than the Pakistanis around me.

I’ve also learned again that I’m a boring cunt without any opinions, I just consume and it might make me feel things but I’m incapable of forming criticism and analysis, a guy at work said he liked AEW wrestling, I was watching an episode at work and spent many hours watching YouTube videos on the topic but I had nothing to offer by way of conversation.

As far as my personal identity goes now, all I see a void, a black hole, whenever I think of myself, I have no form.

In positive news, I got the platinum trophy in “Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin”, it’s not a good game, I do not recommend it. As for television, I watched “Man like Mobeen”, a show about a British Pakistan and it was OK. I enjoyed the Jimmy Saville documentary too though from what I can tell he doesn’t seem to have been proven guilty.

I’m still feeling very down

Up until Monday, I spent every day sitting in my room, I no longer went outside or even downstairs, I didn’t want anyone to see me, I still don’t. I didn’t play video games and only on Sunday did I watch TV (Finished Arcane and the John Wayne Gacy documentary). My father brought me food every morning and afternoon as I refused to eat.

On Monday, it was time for work, I would have liked to have quit, I still have half a mind to but it would put me in an even bigger rut, I wear my baseball cap wherever I go, this included to work and while indoors, a co-worker has now nicknamed me “Alan Capp”, a popular comic strip from their day, I began reading a few but was dissuaded as I was told they were a “product of the day”. My co-workers made several attempts to ask why I cut my hair, they seemed to understand I was upset, I lied and brushed them off, I feel bad that I lied to them, just as my father had lied to me.

I’ve been trying to go to work on the bus but my dad gets physical with me, only slightly, and insists I let him drive me. I’ve covered up all the mirrors and reflective surfaces in the house, thought that’s really just the bathroom and my bedroom as far as I’m concerned, I’m glad to see that no one has tried to remove the coverings and have respected my wishes.

I don’t see my mother any more, I would speak to her once a day but I can’t bare for her to see me like this. She spoke to me through the door and apologised for not been able to stand up for me, this meant a lot, she suggested I go to the doctors but I refused.

Hello Darkness….

My dad constantly pesters me about getting a haircut, it was something he’d mention every single day and when you ask a question 1000 times, the person being asked will eventually relent and agree. Nothing made yesterday particularly remarkable, my dad cornered me in the kitchen, blocked my exit and for some reason this time I said “fine”, I agreed to have my haircut, to tempt me my dad would always say that it just needs a bit a style, I only need to cut it to the shoulders. I told him that we’ll do whatever makes him happy but in exchange, our relationship would be over, we’d no longer speak.

We went to the barbers not far from our home, it was empty, my dad seemed to be familiar with him, I sat down and was asked if I was OK, I grumbled “yeah”, I wasn’t sure what was happening and suddenly most of the length of my hair had been cut off, the barber had tied it into a pony tail before slashing it off. Then more cuts came, I think I heard my dad say he wanted it very short but the barber pushed back a bit and said it would change my face too much. It was horrifying, I sat with a frown on my face while my dad told the barber that I started growing my hair after university.

When it was all over, I spat on my father and left but I returned to grab my hair, I didn’t want the barber to sell it. The messed up thing is that the barbers hair was now longer than my own. On the way home, my father told me that no one but my mother loved me, not even my brother.

Back at home, I just sat on my bed in silence, I’d fiddle with my phone but an hour must have passed, my father came into my room, he was upset that I wasn’t eating, when he caught me in the kitchen I was getting a drink. I shouted him out the room, he tried to tell me that he loved me, I told him my brother could arrange his funeral. A while later he returned in tears, he said he just wanted me to get a drink, he collapsed onto the floor, I got the drink, showed it to him and hoped he was satisfied. I had no motivation to do anything so I just went to bed.

The following morning, I started wearing a cap indoors, I would wear my bobble hat but I can’t find it. My father entered my room again, he noticed the food and drink to one side from yesterday, he wanted me to eat, I tried explaining to him that when you’re depressed you have no appetite. He kept badgering me, he was in tears again, said he’d commit suicide on the motorway, I eventually ate some cereal. He then wanted me to watch TV or play some video games, I did not and he left for work. I think he understands he made a mistake but I don’t understand what triggered this realisation.

R.I.P. Me

Dad badgered me into a haircut, I am not going to kill myself but I feel like I’m in a very deep hole and would love to just die in my sleep.