Back to feeling terrible

My mum called around 8, ignored the first call, picked it up the second time, half an hour later. I always intended to tell her before the end of the month, she was expecting to see me graduate in July, had to dash that simple dream quickly or else I would seem deceitful and cowardly, I felt a month was reasonable breathing space.

I answer, she asks why I didn’t pick up the first time, say I must have missed it, asks if I am busy with uni work, that was was very clear cue for me to confess, I told it to her straight, no tarting it up with fancy words. “I have been suspended from university and arrested, the trial is September the university will consider having me back then, this all happened at the start of the month”. Told her I had been charged with making offensive comments online, that they had gotten back to me. It is a fair description of the current charges against me, I also mentioned they took my phone and laptop and so more charges may be incoming.

She was too nice about it, called me brave, said it was shame, I didn’t know it was illegal, I’m a good boy idindunufin, she doesn’t want to admit I’m a failure and a disappointment so she lies to herself and then she lies out loud. I did respond saying it was more than a shame, I only have myself to blame, ignorance ofnbthe law is not an excuse but she wouldn’t have it. She sounded strong but I’m sure her heart is breaking, mine is too, I can handle torture inflicted on my own mind but what hurts is when it’s done to others, when I’m suffering I just hit the ‘off’ switch in my head, I can’t shut out other peoples pain though. Yes, I’m aware I sound like a fedora. My mum is sad and it’s my fault and there seems to be nothing I can do about it, it almost seems as if the best course of action would have been to lie and stage a mock graduation or something. This is the one reason I won’t commit suicide or go on some other kind of rampage ending with my face plastered over the news under the headline of ‘killer’.

She also offered to come by and visit me more than once, I turned her down, told her I was coping just fine, I had “friends”, that I was a little popular in the place I made the remarks so I had people to speak to 24/7. She was easy to talk to, didn’t feel like I was talking to a real person. It’s easy to talk to people like that, they feel like NPCs in a video game and I’m the hero, they exist to service me, I was very relaxed around the detectives who spoke to me, very chatty because it was all about me, I could end a conversation with ” no comment” and they were obligated to keep questioning me but crucially just like my mother they couldn’t show judgement, they could arrest me but they couldn’t look at me in disgust or call me a creep.

Heard about the French Foreign Legion being NEET friendly, got excited, turns out I was wrong to get my hopes up. Will try and get fit and make another run at joining the British Army. Currently can do 17 sit-ups in 1 minute, the aim is 44 in 2 iirc. Hopefully this might make her proud.

Havent told my dad yet, he is only nice when he thinks I am doing well, he flipped out when I dropped out of my first university course at the end of the first year. He wasn’t disappointed, he was angry. I’ve grown up since then and I’m not afraid of him anymore, he will just have to take it on the chin, let me deal with my problems like I always do, his opinions and feeling on the matter are worthless to me. Might call him later today or tomorrow. He works a lot hours, I admire that but I consider him to have only done the bare minimum at best when it comes to what is expected of a father (Providing), I brought it up once, he said I didn’t remember the shit he did when I was a kid. Maybe he is right. I remember some shit, we definitely spent time together.

The problem I have is that my mother’s love is unconditional to the point it blinds her to reason, my fathers love is most certainly conditional and that is not love.

Acceptance

I’m sure an unoriginal individual, the emotions I have been going through the last month are nothing but the “5 stages of grief”, billions have gone through the same cycle. I feel pathetic looking back at how desperate and predictable I was, if I ever needed a final reminderbthan I am not special, this was it.

A little breakdown:

Denial – Many remarked either that I was handling things surprisingly well or that I was delusional, this was because I had not come to terms with the likely consequences of the events that had transpired, I thought the university would realise they made a mistake and have me back, the trial was just a formality and I would get a slap on the wrist. I also spent a lot of time either during this step or bargaining trying to claim I had autism, social anxiety and AvPD and this should excuse me from my alleged crimes. This is false, I am completely mentally healthy, I was just looking for a scapegoat, like a child. These accusations need to be tackled head on and I have to take the complaints on the chin.

Anger – Can’t get into much detail about this one. I wanted to hurt people but I am now over it, my emotions were natural.

Bargaining – This was me at my most pathetic, I believe, I sent multiple emails to my universitys principal in a one way conversation attempting to get him to consider having me back.

Depression – had this between ever stage really, bit of drinking, inability to masturbate, general mental anguish.

Acceptance – this is where I am now, I understand the levity of my situation, I am fucked, there is nothing I can really do about it, I don’t even care enough to have an opinion on the people and events involved anymore, instead I am going to make the most of the time I have left. Playing some vidya appears to be one of the most appealing paths open to me. I would have liked a job but clearly a cretin such as myself is unworthy of the honour of working at Tesco. I don’t have the motivation to leave my roommate to go lift or even for a few pushups during the day.

I bought some Lucozade yesterday along with bread, chocolate spread and peanut butter, had some today, it was tasty but the Lucozade is not doing it for me right now. Last week I was eating battered fish portions with beans, got sick of that quickly.

I really want a way out, an anon bought up the Merchant Navy as a good option for NEETs, I was excited by the idea but he was ill informed.

Got banned from all boards for 3 days for criticising the mods and janitors on /sp/, it came down fast, must be some kind of script, can’t reset the router as roommates are home. Watched some WWE and Boardwalk Empire, my attention span is terrible, it all feels so tedious, can’t help but skip to the finish or take a break after every scene.

There is a possibility that my trial, not my story, makes the news, local or tabloids, depending on how much they try to pin on me. To be honest I would enjoy the attention and that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone as I have wanted people to notice me for a very long time.

I know, I know…

Every entry this month I say that this will be my last until the trial but my mental state shifts drastically and I feel the need to update my previous statements. Currently playing Hearthstone, that’s where all my time is going and it makes me feel like I am am accomplsihing something, the job applications are not materialising into interviews, I don’t know what to do at this point, I’ve tried and failed to salvage my life and make use of the time I have before the trial(s), what more is expected of me? What do I do now? I found a vidya rental site, free trial, I want play GTA V, so I’m making use of that. Female roommate returned from her trip home yesterday, we happened to be in the kitchen at the same time, I asked how her trip back home was, she didn’t answer, I turned around and she was stood staring at me, must not have caught what I said, I repeated myself, she said “okaaaaay” and left. I have been told I mumble/don’t speak clearly before, this is not new, justb upsetting.

I came across some news articles yesterday about people who  were accused nd found guilty of one of the things I am being accused of, looking from the outside in I thought these individuals were pathetic and/or creepy, one even said he was “in love” with his intended victim. Based off my posts you would think I could relate to that but no, looking back at my ramblings I cannot separate the fact from the fiction. I don’t know where the truth stats and at what point things become exaggerated, did I really feel those feel? Or did I just think that I should have felt a certain way based on what I had told myself previously regarding my character? I can’t think of a single word to describe myself, I don’t know why I don’t he things that I do, are they in character or am I playing a character?

I am no longer feeling hostile towards anyone or hard done by, it seems the university treating me the way they are is the standard, their reasoning and communication leaves a little to be desired but it would not change my circumstances, when people are perceived the way I am , other people get scared and report them, this is also normal, it seems based on the articles I read, I always knew the detective was just being nice to me in order to get me to spill my guts but I did buy into for a few minutes here and there but now I can see based on my alleged crimes no one should really have sympathy for me, I didn’t think those people in the articles were “messed up” or “confused”, so I should not be afforded the same courtesy.

I don’t understand why posters on 4chan and comment makers here are sympathetic towards my plight, I appreciate it so very much but it is more than I deserve. Thank you for being my friends.

Feel too restricted in what I can say, this is no longer an adequate medium in which to express myself

Been very hot around here for the last week or so, though the only direct experience I have had with the heat is when I leave the building to go to ASDA. This city supposedly has a beach, been here near 4 years and never checked it out, not far from where I live either, minutes away by foot, don’t really know what I would do when I got there. My diet is the same as always, I thought I would try something new but I didn’t have it in me.

Roommate has been leaving his room to catch me in the kitchen awful frequently as of late, I just say “hi” and he responds in kind, I don’t understand what he wants, he isn’t even trying to talk to get a conversation going. Another theory is that he thinks I want to talk to him, I was quite chatty the night I was released from custody, it was a one off though, he should have gotten that by now. Neither of those theories make sense though, they are the actions of kind people, he did not invite me to his games so he is obviously not a considerate person and he does not wish to spend any more time around me than necessary. I don’t hate him at this point, I think nothing of him at all.

Saw a guy from my uni course yesterday while I was off to post a letter, I don’t really know him, we never spoke except a thanks I got when I moed put of his way, but I recognised him and stared for a while to make sure it was him, he eventually acknowledged me too, he didn’t say anything, just this weird facial movement, it was too much, clearly fake, not sure why he even did it, I didn’t think he was worthy of greeting, we are nothing to each other, why was this the time for him to show me some friendliness? I wonder how aware my classmates are of my situation, was their anouncement? or just a game of Chinese whispers? Maybe that’s why he acknowledged my presence, because for the first time he was actually aware of it.

I feel as if I have been treated unfairly by the university, more than anyone that is whom I harbour a grudge against. A completely non violent, non threatening grudge. Just like how Pepe would impotently scream for the normies to vacate his safe heaven.

Posted the contract with my legal aid solicitor yesterday, hope that gets things moving along.

This has been a terrible update for me, not therapeutic at all. Pretty sure I am going to leave it alone until the trial, now that I have confirmed I get nothing out of this while living under these conditions.

Saturday

Thought I was Saturday yesterday, not that I makes a difference.

Found my feet somewhat, haven’t been watching much anime over the last year so I am getting back into that though the shows I watched today were not to my liking, oh well, plenty more and plenty more time to watch them in.

Registered to vote, felt good to be given questions I could answer so easily. All the parties seem vote worthy in my opinion, will likely vote for UKIP or the Lib Dems since my vote will mean the most to them.

Wasn’t sure how long my roommate would be out for so I just had cereal for dinner, I buy Asda brand cereals now, they really do taste just like the name brand alternatives, the cereals I eat are choloclate based. Earlier in the day my roommate did catch me in the kitchen with my humble meal, we had not exchanged more than greetings for 3 weeks, left his room deliberately to catch me. He asked me how I was doing, I replied honestly, “not well”, my food was done so I rushed through the explanation which h I have been through a dozen times before, “the uni isn’t considering having me back until after the trial, it’s bullshit bureaucracy, but there is nothing I can do, better look on the bright side, I will be spending this time watching anime”. I wonder if this will encourage him to engage me more or leave me be? If he cared he would invite me to one of those ridiculous D&D games, I think some of the players are ransoms, that’s how they do it, it’s a niche thing so they have to find additional players through some kind of noticeboard system, they are surprisingly good enough for him but I am not.

Rejected from another job but applied to some Moore today.

Got a call from PureGym, I was excited and nervous when the phone rang, thought an opportunity to flex my vocal muscles for the second time in 3 weeks and progress my story but no, they just wanted to know why I had started and application to join them but not finished, the answer was issues with my tablet. Less motivated to join the gym now, I I am taller than my roommate so I feel pretty good standing around him.

Not feeling so down today.

Blog was posted by someone on reddit, don’t like reddit, do like more people accepting my emotions but I hate that they didn’t give me any feedback, they just laughed.

Have not heard from my solicitor in a while, last I heard he was sorting out my legal aid, that was while ago, will drop off this form he asked me to sign early last week to see if it will jump start proceedings.

I have a right to feel

Roommate still brings his friends around, they are still loud but now that I have bigger problems to deal with, I just don’t care anymore. I don’t have anything going on, no obligations so it’s harder to feel the flow of time, little things don’t get me down and I have no stress. Nothing really matters anymore.

None of the jobs I applied to have gotten back to me, I am completely unskilled, all I can apply for is retail but I have been rejected from a part time night shift at Tesco, what hope do I have? Probably need to be an entrepreneur if I wasn’t to generate some income and make something of myself, I have the time. Could do all sorts of stuff, make some kind of business plan first or maybe I could write, honestly this is what I always wanted to do and being suspended/expelled from university has given me that freedom. Will have a good think about it today and tomorrow and make a start, putting pen to paper the day after.

Every day has been pretty much the same, gone from spending all day on my laptop to all day on my tablet, I do feel worthless but these feelings are better than the dread and stress associated with university and involvement in society. Now it’s just me, in my room, on my tablet, every day with the occasional trip to Asda. My roommate leaves the flat often enough, he has right nkw, I can go to the kitchen and bathroom often enough, that is another contributing factor to my much improved demeanour and outlook on life. Nothing really matters until my lease runs out, I can just relax for the next month and a half.

Eatintg jacket potatoes with tuna and coleslaw these days. It’s tasty, I like hot food but it’s not very filling. Had some junk food yesterday too, felt sick, I always forget but should keep me away for a week or so again at least.

Vodka is finished but coping better now.

Roommate always said I could play on his consoles, did that  bit while he was out but I don’t feel he has any good games. Really don’t do much of anything, just shitpost and eat, wat he’d 40 minutes of anime yesterday.

I hope my solicitor contacts me soon.

Status

I am going to list my new troubles, I feel it might help me to understand my situation better and to motivate change if I get my current position down in hard form.

Trial at the end of September

Nothing I can really do until the date arrives. Interested in the court process and prison it’ll be a life experience, I’ll get a story or two out of it. I would like to know exactly what it is that I have allegedly done though, I know what I am being charged with, the detectives showed me a lot of things in the interview, not sure what is background stuff and what the actual crimes are, that was never made clear to me.

Suspended from university until after the trial

Again, nothing I can do about this until the time comes, I am going to be 25 when I finally receive my 4 year degree, pathetic, now this is assuming they let me back on the course. Two of my “friends” repeated years, that’s the only perk. Repeating the year is terrible, I will be losing a year of my life.

Notifying my parents I will not be graduating this summer

This one hurts, I can put it off until the end of the month, maybe longer. Not going to enjoy making that call one bit.

Police have my laptoplaptop, phones and 3DS

Waiting game, I hear I am not getting it back until after the trial.

Money troubles

Will likely be forced to pay another years tuition fees and rising accommodation costs, not sure if I will be entitled to another year of student finance, trying to find a job, not too difficult to send my CV off to a few adverts for jobs in the retail sector every afternoon. The positions will likely be filled by Stacys though. I really hope I can get a job to make some many and fund living up here instead of returning home and putting up with the various crap I will be getting down there. Lease here is running out, will need to find somewhere else to live, should be easier and cheaper to find somewhere during the summer. Lookedminto joining the army, don’t meet the physical requirements, can’t do enough situp, failed to do 20 and it was around 1 minute when I gave up so my pace wasn’t good enough either.

My problems are all here to stay, all I can do is wait to meet them head on, I have near 6 months of time to play with where I can do anything, I would like to do something productive, like earning money or getting /fit/, probably not visiting the gym though tbh.

Not depressed, my problems seem far away, I am treating this time like a holiday, not a care in the world right now, having the time of my life, if shit gets too real I just move a few feet and take a drink. Angry? Nowhere near the level you would expect, just a little miffed, might change in the future but for now I am not harbouring ill will towards anyone, just my situation, how I handled it and being dealt a raw deal.

What is eating me is boredom.