Two days as shallow as one

No blog post yesterday as there was an internet outage in the area. Can’t even remember much of the day. Someone forgot to lock their stall in the bathroom and I walked in on him. I didn’t say anything, so think I immediately backed off, he had to move towards the door to spur me.

There was another argument with my sisters, my mother snapped back at them before retreating upstairs. My mother won’t make up with my sisters unless they make up with me. My sisters want a relationship with my mother but want nothing to do with me, they actively hate me.

Work today was fine, I got through the day and now I have the next 10 days off. I should use this time to resolve all my problems, find some direction.

The talk of the office is one of the older seemingly very nice employees being fired. I spotted the trans person on thee way to work the day after and told them. They smiled. Not sure what purpose this served. I guess I got to show someone I haven’t forgotten them and maybe brighten their day a little. Not like anything more can be gained.

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Perception of my intelligence falls further

The trains are still suffering delays and so they are even more crowded than usual. A lot of people pushing, I express my disgust at them in the form of various micro-aggressions in order to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible.

Work got off to a terrible start, my team coach realised I didn’t know basic policy when I asked her a question. She looked annoyed and disgusted. Still talking to the woman sitting next to me, it’s her always initiating and I can’t carry the conversation far. I need to find some common ground but we seem like such different people. Both of these interactions have caused me continual stress. I’m talking to myself again.

I think more people have quit. I’m feeling more alone.

Watched “The Apprentice” at home. No words were exchanged with my sisters. My mother asked me about my self-harming due to having seen a story about it on television.

Laser session 12

I booked a laser session for today since it was my day off from work. Got the technician I originally had, she was easy to talk to this time. I told her my concerns and she agreed to “increase the strength” of the laser. Apparently she spotted me walking down the street recently, think I saw her too, she commented that I looked distressed, I said I was heading to work and that I’d fainted recently. It was a hood interaction.

No interactions at all with my sisters. Ate poorly, just red meat and pancakes.

Finished watching House of Cards season 5, it sucks but I need to watch it to competition due to time investment.

Woke up at 10pm, went to sleep around 8:30pm, couldn’t finish watching the City game, the antidepressants are having the opposite of my desired effect.

My workplace is having a Halloween party, I’d like to attend but I don’t have any work friends, it would be awkward.

Ms Glass

The train to work was slightly less crowded than usual but it was overly warm for autumn. I was standing in the vestibule area and around half way through the journey, 10 minutes in I began feeling faint, I tried to fight it off, I sweated heavily, leaned against a wall, people noticed, whispering. My legs became weak and I realised I had to crouch, the air was cooler closer to the ground, it was easier to breath, a woman suggested taking my coat of but I refused and I insisted I was fine. I stood up and down several times. A middle aged man also tried to comfort me. Once the train pulled into the station, other passengers made way for me to get off, I rushed to a bench where I tried breathing some more and relaxing.

The woman from earlier approached me and told me to take off my coat and my sweater, then to drink water. My cutting scars were on full display and I’d sweated through my pokemon T-shirt. She reassured me and then left, a policeman came over to me next and encouraged me to breath in through my nose and out through my mouth. A paramedic was taking care of someone else, a few people had trouble on the train today. After around 5 minutes I got up and decided I was strong enough to walk. I was still a little dizzy and felt weak, this lasted all day but I got to work on time.
I hit around 100 emails for the day and all my worries from yesterday disappeared almost instantly after I discovered my screwups weren’t really screwups and everything worked out fine.

Didn’t talk much since I felt so out of it but there were a few interactions with the woman who sits next to me. It’s not becoming more natural, the errors are varying, this time I forced the story of me almost fainting, I must have sounded like an attention seeker.

Train home was delayed around 45 minutes due to a tree falling down onto the tracks.

I had no appetite, I couldn’t finish my sandwich during lunch.

Yesterday my female Muslim coworker offered me smarties, I took 2 and said I was on a diet. I felt bad, I think she got them specially to break the ice between us. I’ll talk to her more next weekend when it’s just us.

At home I had another argument with my sisters. They were cruel to me, my mum defended me and then they attacked me for not standing up for myself. My mum said some cruel things to them and they went upstairs. I don’t understand why my sisters hate me to the point I can’t even speak, I do nothing that warrants any opinion, I keep to myself, I know this offends them to some extent.

Watched the George Michael documentary at home.

Laser tomorrow.

I’m a stupid, useless creature and this must be acknowledged

My brain in screaming in agony, today hit my triggers over and over again. The day got off to a less than ideal start, my train was cancelled so I arrived to work 10 minutes late. I also didn’t shower so I felt disgusting and uncomfortable the entire day.

I sat at my desk and only 2 other people in the department were in, normal for a weekend. I got on with my work, about two hours in people started coming over to me and asking me to check stuff and for help. I couldn’t help any of them and I felt like a fraud and an idiot. I was embarrassed when the new guys in particular spoke to me, they didn’t know I was useless before they spoke to me but they know now. One guy was chipper, I must have come off as cold, I didn’t smile, as usual. The new gender neutral person also spoke to me, I came across as stupid and useless to them too. Confusing and unhelpful, not a single positive word can be used to describe me.

Life being difficult from social perspective is normal, I struggled with my job today too. I’ve fucked up three separate things and I’m going to have to tell my manager all about it tomorrow. The last one is the worst, 5 minutes until the end of my shift, I’m the only only customer service guy still in, the place officially closed an hour ago but I figure I can’t just ignore this email that dropped into my inbox so I give it a shot, I’m sure my solution won’t work, they’re fucked and the company will have to pay them off. The only other option for me was to ignore them but then I’d be worried because I’d still think I screwed up, there was nothing I could do unless “nothing” really was the right option. No manages or anything to speak to.

I’m terrified of going to work tomorrow, I don’t know how this will go.

Stress ate at home, didn’t matter that I skipped lunch.

Watched X-Factor and Louis Theroux.

Normies are not worth my time

My level of social interaction was the same as yesterday. During my lunch break I collected my prescription, the pharmacist was a Sikh, he seemed nice even though little was said. Later during lunch I ate my dinner back in the break room at work, overheard the quirky guy talking to some normie female, I only listened in for a minute or so before concluding he was still a turbo normie and his conversation was not worth my time. I was actually quite infuriated at the time. I want to get a gf just to prove a point to him and others here that I’m capable of being just like them, I just choose not to be.

I’m closer to quitting transition now, it’s hard to imagine my facial hair ever being eradicated without switching to electro. My face also seems to have picked up some new defects.

Cancelled my Sonic Forces pre-order, hear it’s disappointing. Pre-ordered Pokemon Ultra Moon steelbook. Thinking a lot about Pokemon and my 3DS right now.

Still not talking to my siblings much.