God of Easy Mode

I woke up after 1pm again. God of War arrived through the post, I played it for a little while but hated how different it was, the style is completely different and the attack buttons have changed, nothing similar to the original games at all. The first boss gave me more trouble than I was comfortable with so I turned the difficulty down to “easy” mode. I’m not in the mood for a challenge, I just want to have played the game and gotten some distraction (plus maybe a platinum trophy). Accidentally closed the game so stopped playing after that. It’s a good looking game but I don’t love it.

Rewatched some more Dave Chappelle.

The day was a drag with nothing to do and no immediate plans. I felt tired enough to go to sleep before 10pm but powered through. Watched more YuGiOh YouTube videos.

Played a bit of Hearthstone but I’m nowhere near the level I was before the expansion dropped.

My dad asked if I would read Eid prayers with him at the mosque or in the park on Wednesday, I laughed of the idea.

My appointment with my caseworker is on Thursday, I don’t know what exactly I’m expecting from it but I know I’m looking forward to speaking to someone a bit more “real” than my family. My sister applied for university accommodation today. I believe there may have been an issue with the distance between that campus and the university but I wouldn’t know since there was only so much I overheard from outside my bedroom door.

I guess I need to have a long hard think about the life I want before I can plot how to change anything.


The Football

I went to sleep at 1am last night so it was a struggle wake up when I needed to. I set my alarm for 8am but kept pushing it back, didn’t actually get out of bed until 11:20am. Once I rose, I ate cereal and showered. I went back to my room, put semi-clean clothes on and picked up my ticket for the football game. I placed the ticket in my front pocket where I was aware it might crease a little since it was sticking out but should be fine as long as the QR card remained undamaged. I didn’t wear a football shirt as it didn’t seem warm enough.

I hopped on the train then made my way to the tram stop. The game kicked off at 1:30pm, I got to the tram stop at 12:40pm but couldn’t get on the first two trams that arrived since they were too crowded and too many other people were trying to get on. I arrived at the stadium at 1:15pm. I then had t circle around for the correct entrance (though I could have just used any), there was a fair queue and security checks preventing me from getting in until a few minutes after the game had started. I missed confetti being thrown onto the pitch and a firework I heard outside. Disappointed I couldn’t get the full experience. I also missed out on free doughnuts that were being given out and felt too self-conscious to take pictures.

The guy I was sitting next to me greeted me instantly. He was older and attending the game alone. A season ticket holder. He said what would be expected, asked questions to figure out my power level (I was honest and said I was just trying to get out more), provided banter and insight to the game, for the most part I just smiled, laughed and said stuff was “amazing”. I enjoyed his company though I felt uncomfortable since I wasn’t able to contribute sufficiently to improve his experience at the game. Honestly, I would have rather preferred to sit quietly and watch the game without commentary. It took effort to come up with things to talk about during half time (ended up taking about work at the Man City documentary on Amazon Prime). When it began to rain he offered me one of those plastic hoodie/cape things, I declined despite his insistence. He was a nice man and I did appreciate his efforts, he shook my hand on his way out, he said he might see me again or something, I replied with “maybe, maybe not”, not sure what that meant but prior to this I assured him i got my moneys worth, the game was a blowout afterall, 6-1. Perhaps not £41.00 worth of fun though, there was also £10.00 of train/tram tickets too. There was only one strange exchange, I was asked if I was planning to go on holiday during my time off work, I said that my passport had expired and I’m waiting for the blue ones to be released before applying to renew. I then said those with burgundy passports were twats.

It also took a while to get back home. I’m not sure this is a process I’d like to repeat.

At home, I retreated to my bedroom. My body was in pain due to movement being alien to me. I rewatched Dave Chapelle on Netflix. Comfort in familiarity.

My family, apart from my mother, still have no interest in speaking to me.


The cycle of misery continues

I finally spent some time with my family, in the afternoon, shortly after I awoke, chips had been purchased so I helped eat them with everyone else. I tried chipping into the conversation but no one was interested in engaging me. I did learn one frightening detail when I picked up on a conversation others were having and my mother chose to fill me in, turns out one of my sisters will be attending university in the south of the country. She is introverted like me so I worry how she will fare living away from home, too far to comfortably visit on weekends either. I dread that she might suffer the same loneliness and depression I did, then there’s also the horror of having to find accommodation every year. I want to tell her to decline the offer and just apply again to somewhere closer next year but our other siblings are probably proving emotional support, I suspect they’ve given her poor advice though since they lack my experience. I hope she can make a better go of it than I did but there’s nothing there to lead me to believe that’s possible. I just want her to know that I’m here for her and that I love her, she shouldn’t feel alone or scared and that it’s OK to change the course of your ship but she still views me with contempt and doesn’t want to hear a word out of my mouth. Once I learn more I’ll plan visits to her whenever I’m free, perhaps every other weekend. It’ll mean a lot to see a familiar face, I’m sure.

She’s very petite, so I also worry she may be murdered. With her anorexia, though, there’s a chance she might even hurt herself more than anyone else could.

Without vidya, I wandered throughout the day aimlessly. I tried watching a few shows, Disenchanted was one and it sucked. Living life without the distraction of vidya doesn’t benefit me unless I have a plan on how to spend my day. My ass hurts from sitting down for the most part during the last 2 weeks. I did go outside but only shortly, it was to buy some push pins from town. I used the pins to stick my concert/football/theatre tickets to the wall. Looks nice, I only have 5 but still, it’s different to all the posters I have up.

There was a festival going on in the town centre, I didn’t realise until later in the day so didn’t bother checking it out.

Watched some TCG YouTube videos.

Changed my bedsheets yesterday.

Need to fix my sleeping pattern first

I woke up at 1:30pm. No vidya for me today so instead I spent most of the day posting on 4chan and sticking up posters that my brother had bought and I had taken down and stored away over a year ago. The Iron Maiden poster I bought arrived today and I stuck that up too. Bought a Final Fantasy poster too, I want to cover up all the white space on the walls of my bedroom.

I also purchased a couple of video games, GTA V & God of War. They’re big games I should play at some point since I will likely enjoy them.

My 4chan pass got banned again.

My diet is improving, ruined it by eating some of the sweets I was given when leaving work.

Finished season 3 of “Nathan for You”, guy sitting next to me at work also recommended “The Eric Andre Show” but it’s nothing notable as far as I can tell.

Tomorrow will be the day

I’m now finished with Final Fantasy X-2. Story picked up during the final third and the “1000 Words” scene is perhaps the best the series has ever offered. Despite getting half the trophies, my completion only shows as 33% due to the weight of the gold and silver ones I neglected.

Over the last 2 weeks I’ve done little more than sit on my bed all day playing vidya so now that I’m done with this game, I have no more distractions, I need to make tomorrow different. That means not buying a new game to replace this one, I need to do something different tomorrow, anything, something that gets me outside would be great but that’s unrealistic. Reading one of the many magazines I ordered would be an accomplishment, I don’t need to shoot for the stars right away but it would great if I did.

My ass hurts from sitting down in once spot all day. I’m afraid of bedsores.

Quite conscious of the fact that since the quirky guy told me he was into Final Fantasy a year ago, I’ve gone ahead and played 4 FF games (all ones he has also played). If I do play more games, I should probably avoid picking up ones from his trophy list, it probably comes across strange if he checks up on me on PSN.

Got into a couple of arguments. When my sister left the front door open, I slammed it shut, she went “what the hell?” as if I was the one at fault so I went off on one, just called her an animal and insulted her intelligence. My mother also earned my ire, twice today and everyday she told me I should cut my hair. When I started talking about pakis she told me I sounded like a broken record, I pointed out this hypocrisy and left her alone for the day.

The sister I took to Iron Maiden isn’t talking to me. Admittedly this is the first time since the concert I have attempted to communicate with her but still out relationship shouldn’t have shifted to negative so quickly. My Iron Maiden t-shirt arrived today, disappointed that on the back there’s only the names of the countries on the tour and not the dates or towns.

Finally bought some more E, took ages since I was waited for an email from United which never game. It’s not a great price but it’ll do in a pinch.

I don’t deserve life

I overate and played Final Fantasy X-2 again. Might finish the game tomorrow.

My mother is the one to blame for my poor diet, she either buys treats and/or cooks tasty stuff, today she did both.

Watched “Nathan for You”, finished season 2.

I showered though I could count the number of times I left my bedroom on one hand.

Angry thoughts went through my head during the day but they’ve disappeared now.

Hurt my toe, not sure what I banged it against but it bed and still pains me 12 hours later.

Another wasteful day

Just played more Final Fantasy X-2. It’s not particularly fun. Watched some “Nathan for You”, onto the second season now. Skimmed through WWE Raw. Spent a lot of time posting on 4chan and a little playing Hearthstone, still trying to find my groove after the new expansion hit.

I overate and left the house for a trip to ASDA, it was partly craving and partly a desire to go outside. I bought doughnuts and peanut butter. I ate one pack of doughnuts once I got back. The trip was during my favourite part of the day, between the daylight hours and night time, dark enough that the normies have gone home but still light enough that I don’t mistake shadows for monsters.

I would have also bought Coke Zero but my mother informed me that she had already gotten some, it was in the boot. I made a joke about how I had expected her to buy me some and my sister, who was in the room, called me a baby. I was infuriated, normally she can’t even bring herself to look at me nevermind talk to me, I fired back, she was anorexic and has been receiving help from doctors for years, I told her “She should try becoming bulimic since clearly anorexia isn’t working out for you”. She’s significantly underweight. It was cruel but she thinks so little of me, caring nothing of my feelings.

My mother called me later, let me know that I’d upset her. I felt bad but I shouldn’t. My sister does not care about me at all, not even a tenth as much as I care about her.

Had thoughts about slitting my wrists after this but I didn’t go through with it. Staying up until 1am regularly now.