Social anxiety and failure DISCLAIMER – This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental
Since my last entry, I have started my new job role, 4 on 4 off is absolute bliss and the job is manageable but I have much to learn, I feel like I would be more comfortable at this job if I had secured it via the normal means instead of through a co-worker, I feel like the standards are higher but it also raises the question of how was I ever supposed to get a job like this through the normal means? I am attempting conversation with coworkers and learning, nothing remarkable has occured yet, I’ve only worked 3 shifts so far.
In my personal life, I haven’t had any video games to sink my teeth into so have been spending quite a few £ and hours searching for and buying cards from the new Magic the Gathering/Lord of the Rings set. I’ve gotten myself into a bit of an awkward spot, I’ve bought some extra cards thinking I could sell them on for a quick and small profit but I’ve failed to do that and now seem a bit stuck with them. I’ve listed them on eBay and hopefully they’ll get sold without me noticing. My credit card debt is around £1400 but only £400 of that I Magic cards, not sure how it’s gotten so high.
Next driving test is September.
I’ve not had any meetings with friends other than Shippy flying through town and us chilling for half and hour while eating chips but I fully expect things to improve with my new 4 on 4 off schedule.
My house purchase was supposed to be completed by the end of the month but I haven’t heard anything in since around the start of the month.
I have decided that my favourite film of all time is “Four Lions”, I can watch it once a week without issue, even now I am noticing more details and better understanding the film and characters.
About a month ago, I think it may have been in the same week as my previous blog post, I was notified that changed were taking place at the company I work at and that my role was becoming redundant, I wasn’t mad, I do very little and have stolen a wage for a long time but as time passed, I felt I should get what I could put of the situation as I have been employed for over 2 years but this pestered out to, I was holding my cards close to my chest and building a case for an employment tribunal but a manager in another department on my shift offered me a new role, £30,000 a year, 4 on 4 off and still working nights. It is more challenging and it’s been a while since I had to learn something, I will have to get my brain into gear. I was pretty much given the job as a favour it out of pity, however you want to look at it, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.
My house purchase is progressing nicely. I am weighing up whether or not to conduct a survey again, the house looks in great shape.
I went to Sheffield with my friend, Shout, to watch a television taping for the new show Gladiators. It took a very long time but it was a new experience and I generally enjoyed the day out. We got to see Sir Bradley Walsh do his Donald Trump impression and a Pakistani win a contest of athletics. We had donner for dinner.
Yesterday, when walking back from work, my mother caught me talking to myself and making had gestures, I was aware it was something I did but I didn’t realise it was that obvious. I played it off as a joke but she is concerned.
A guy I get along with at work moved to another department, I gave him some Lucozade Orange and Bounty chocolates as a leaving gift. We had a takeaway meal too, it was Chinese, I think it’s outrageous that they can charge such high prices, I ordered a red Thai curry but didn’t buy rice separately so I just had the soupy curry with meat and veg floating within.
I’m sure there is more from the last month but it’s hard to recall, on day I got the bus, the young Pakistani in front of me asked for a child ticket but the bus driver insisted on ID and he paid for an adult ticket instead. I then shouted at the driver, he wanted me to say “please” and I called him out on his behaviour and made him feel uncomfortable, quite the win for me.
I once heard that pigeons are able to fly away as danger is approaching because they view time differently, it’s as if they are living a few seconds in the future. Something similar seems to have happened to me, time condenses around me, I love for the weekend but it flies by, much like the pigeon, the weekend can see me coming.
I took a driving test and went in with heaps of confidence but alas, the wheels fell off around 5 minutes in. The first mistake was at the traffic lights, I didn’t notice the filter arrow and instead sat staring at the red light until I was honked at, I didn’t fail here but should have, the next troubling part was performing the forward bay park, I used a shunt to get into the box but it was messy, I failed the test when I missed a give way line coming out of the car park. There were a total of 2 dangerous errors, 2 serious errors and 13 minor errors. I was disappointed but still believe I will pass in the future, my instructor got me another test on next week, it’s short notice but if I keep trying, I’ll get it eventually.
At work, I was eating my favourite meal, brown rice, a coworker asked what the meal was, I was hesitant to say it was “brown rice” as I’ve been mocked for it in the past, he called it pilau rice, I said it had chicken in it, he then said it was a biryani, I wonder if he is right, I bought a sachet of biryani mix at ASDA and will find out at a future date.
I bought tickets for AEW at Wembley stadium, it will be my second time there but I wasn’t able to get good tickets, they are cheap though, so it will be nice to at least be there, I don’t think I’ll be able to see anything, I’m going to be on the pitch, right at the back, basically a standing ticket.
Hogwarts Legacy was a very enjoyable game, I’m currently playing Resident Evil 4, the trick to playing these hot new games close to release without breaking the bank is to buy second hand copies on eBay from MusicMagpie and the like and then returning them for a refund within the returns period.
The house buying front is a bit of a mess, I had an offer accepted, arranged a survey, got a solicitor and started my mortgage process is good time but it turned out the place had damp and the bank wouldn’t provide a valuation due to this. I pulled out and the solicitor said I didn’t owe them any money but the survey cost is but over £400. Fortunately though, I had another offer accepted the same week, it’s a freehold, very well kept, close to work but it’s very small, I think I could be comfortable there. It’s a shame though the mortgage rates have risen again, around 4.25% now. I’d be getting a mortgage of around £60,000.
I rarely see my father anymore, almost never in the house, sometimes on the street as I’m going to work, he offers to give me a life to work, I decline.
I spilled Coke Zero on my laptop again so I haven’t been able to use my keyboard, have to use the on screen keyboard, this has made posting blog updates near impossible, I’m currently posting via my phone but even that is a challenge given how quickly my battery runs out.
About a month ago, I was on the bus to work, it was a Friday night, I was shocked by the vast numbers of underage teenage girls getting on at 9pm, it’s absurd how far as a society we’ve fallen but it’s the hypocrisy that gets me, loads of 13 year old drunk girls in skimpy clothing coming back from a night on the town and yet somehow they’re the victim according to the media.
While on the bus, I also so a driver speed passed my bus and server around traffic only to crash, the driver was white, car was stolen and he ran off when the driver came to help him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he got away with it, the police only seem to care about crime when the alleged criminal is Pakistani. I’ll post a couple of pics below.
There’s a new guy at work, he’s 28 and reminds me of the quirky guy, he likes Magic the Gathering, wrestling, MMA, can’t drive, is quiet, is decent looking and well dressed. We can chat for over an hour at times. Though there are days when we haven’t spoken at all, I think it’s because I don’t want to risk having a bad interaction with him, recently he’s also sat next to my Polish co-worker, a row away from me, too far to communicate with him. It may be for the best, his reaction to me showing him black Aragorn from the new MTG Lord of the Rings set was concerning, he gave me a look.
I’ve been watching “You”, I can see why people kept recommending it to me, the main character is basically who is was about 10 years ago, and in the last season when he compartmentalised parts of his personality, is me now, I guess. I think my personalities are Poleaboo, the malicious sprite, Monica White, the sassy queen and Amrit Singh, the dimwitted Pakistani jester.
I’ve continued my house hunt, I think some places have blacklisted me or just don’t want Pakistanis buying property in the area, I resorted to look up some fixer uppers, they’re not exactly cheap, only a slight discount on a ready to move in one. I’ve got my eye on one this week but it’ll surely go over the asking price but got to be in it to win it. The worst experience I had so far was when the estate agent followed me around the house as if I was just some random person that walked in off the street.
The big story of the last month is that while I was at work, this one guy, been friendly with me since I started, very loud, been working at the company for 19 years, in his 50s, always says hello to me or at least he used to. The guy came into my office, music was playing in the background on the TV, he changed the channel to BBC Asian Network and went “dingi dingi dingi” and didn’t a Pakistani accent, I asked him to stop, he did it again and then said it sounded like a taxi in here and left, there were a few more details such as him trying to fish for reactions from my co-workers but it doesn’t matter, I put in a complaint to HR and my manager and he was immediately suspended and I believe may have been terminated from the company, I heard he works elsewhere now, might have just quit. I got an email from HR confirming they believe my take on the events, so I’m mulling over taking it to a tribunal to see if I can get some money for my pain and suffering, I’ve read stories online and this seems very similar, I’d settle for 50K. I feel like some coworker’s are annoyed at me but I enjoy the peace and quiet. Besides, I did feel some guilt at first but no one cares when my friend, the ginger guy got snitched on and fired so why should I care that their friend got fired and sure the guy was nice to me but he was still a racist and I don’t want to be “one of the good ones”, I don’t want or need the approval of people like that, he was a racist before meeting me and he’s probably even more of a racist now, except now he has to live with a Pakistani actually getting one over on him.
My cousin got married recently, first there was a family get together, one of my sister’s texted me about it, no one bothered to tell me she was even getting married. It was a nice little event and I made some decent attempts to have conversation, the problem that limits me is that when it’s just my family around I can go on rants about race but when my brother’s wife, sister’s husband and cousins fiance are about, I’m expected to behave. I suppose the conversational highlight for me was when I brought up my business idea, they didn’t like it but it got engagement.
The actual wedding was a nice enough day on the surface but I resented my sister’s husband for being a main character, everyone loves him, he was very helpful and the centre of attention, he was also pleasant to me. I spent the day sitting at the back, waiting for the clock to tick down and insulting my dad, I spent some time chatting to my uncle who too was sidelined. It would have been fine if the group was larger but we were fragmented into those getting involved and those not. There was dancing at the end of the night, I always get jealous seeing them, I wish I could dance but no one in my family ever has, there seems to be a class divide in the Pakistani community, those that dance and those that don’t. My family believes that the lower Pakistanis dance or at least that was the case, it seems once again, we have been left behind.
I was tired at the end of the wedding, I wanted to go home, I had worked last night and not gotten any sleep, but it seems we were instead having a get together for my cousin at another cousin’s house. I was not in a good mood but I did try, I really did try to make and get involved in conversation, my attempts were all busts though, the worst one was when I was really reaching, there was a woman with an expensive Gucci purse at the wedding and I asked the groom who on his family earns so much money to buy that and the response from everyone was that it’s not that big of a deal. My brother was there too, I get along well with him, he understands me, he has tolerances for me, I saw him outside bringing gift hampers in to the house from his car, after we all saw him through the window, I joked that we should wait for him to get into the house and ask if there’s more he needs help with but he stopped at the entrance and went back and then I joked haha I guess there’s one more but then we he went back the third time and I made the joke again my sister got mad at me, told me to help and I said “Why don’t you fucking help”, she explained why she couldn’t and it momentarily killed the mood, my sister’s husband and my brother’s wife were clearly mad at me. When my brother got back in, I did my joke about how we would have helped and he made a joke in return, why can’t everyone be like him? After another hour or two, my mother suggested I go home and my brother offered to give me a lift since it was raining.
Work stuff is fine and uneventful, I’ve almost hit the 2 year mark where they can’t fire me, I also got my payslips and have a house viewing on Tuesday, I think it’s the one, I went to see another earlier in the week but was out off my the amount of work required to make it liveable, my other uncle suggests I get a cheaper house and spend the £20k+ fixing the place up how I want.
Yesterday at work, on the way home I saw a guy looking for the “reception” it was his first day and that’s where he was told to go, we don’t really have a reception so instead I asked if he had a name, someone he was meant to meet, I tried to help finding the guy until he gave me an alternate name “Alan” I went to guy who worked in the department and asked if he could help, he could but then I realised me mistake, the man hadn’t said “Alan”, he said “Adam” and that was the name of the guy who I brought him too, a very nice guy who spoke to me before, now he thinks I don’t know his name.
As far as video games go, I played “The Devil in Me” and enjoyed it, I bought The Quarry but had to immediately sell it because it’s coming onto Playstation Extra next week, I also made about a £5 profit buying a bundle of games and selling them separately. I do not recommend One Piece Odyssey.
My plans for the future are to buy a house and go from there, once I have my own place I can start my own business, sing, learn to dance and everything else.
The guy I mentioned last time, the one who gives me rides home from work, also known as the Ginger Viking, that name popped up on this car screen, I believe the name comes from his hair colour and the fact he has a beard. Anyway, what I was going to get into is that he offered to give me a ride home again on Wednesday, I gladly accepted, he always drops me off at ASDA, it’s close to my home and at this point it would be awkward to ask him to drop me off at a specific location, he’s already doing me enough of a favour. I believe it as on the Wednesday that his car boot was open, the homeless people that sit by the ASDA entrance pointed it out and I alerted the Viking, I then gave the homeless people a £10 note as a thank you for their good deed.
On the Thursday, I noticed Captain Candy and another co-worker discussing something about catching an act on CCTV so it can be reported to higher authority, I didn’t completely understand but it was clear they meant to catch out the Ginger Viking, I know the other co-worker and he do not get along, he was very angry when the Viking walked out early into his shift last Friday night. I didn’t say anything though, I didn’t want to make trouble when it might just fade away. I was wrong, the following day it was revealed he had been suspended from work for not adhering to company protocol, I’m sure it’s not uncommon what he does but normally you don’t have to watch out over your shoulder for someone grassing you up. I now feel guilty and distressed, I hope with all my heart that he does not kill himself, he told me that he also had debts, I hadn’t yet queried the nature or size but this cannot be good for his mental health. The co-worker who grassed him up has always been nice to me so it’s hard to be angry at him.
I have no more PlayStation games to play, there are ones I want to dig into but their prices are still too high, even second hand, God of War Ragnarok being the big example, I’d also rather play it when I have my own house and can buy a big TV screen again. I settled for waddling through Pokemon Violet, it feels very slow, mechanically speaking, everything takes too long to do, I only have one gym badge but I have caught 75 different Pokemon. The Last of Us TV show is OK, so is the Glass Onion film,
No entry in 2 weeks should be a crime, I have slightly interesting social interactions to record. The week before last, I had some kind of food poisoning, couldn’t eat comfortably for around 4 days but it didn’t stop me from stuffing my face, over the weekend I played “Final Fantasy Crisis Core” and eventually got the platinum trophy
The following week however, I continued to receive occasional lifts home from the guy at work, he is ginger and born in the same town as I. He recently shaved his distinct beard, many at work asked him about it but he just told them he felt like a change, a bit like me and my hair, but he confided in me that the real reason is because he was feeling suicidal and a friend introduced him to a help group who helped him come to the conclusion that he should shave his beard because during the worst times of his life he had the beard, he says it hasn’t helped, I suggested he also try buying some fancy expensive clothes to feel better.
The following day, we rode back again and he said that he doesn’t like Mumble Rap music, you can’t actually understand what they’re saying with the exception of a few words such a “nigger”, I tried to alleviate the tension by saying I also didn’t like rap music but he went the other way and said there is some rap music he likes. The day after, he did not give me a lift home. He has had some troubles at work and he walked out the next day, he was frustrated at not being given working tools for the job. Captain Candy grassed him up at the end of the shift and his co-workers were angry with him.
The former social worker who took the time to give me a 30 minute speech some months ago, also got into some trouble, he got into a fight with a co-worker, I suspect the co-worker was being racist and condescending but Captain Candy reported him for his behaviour too. The Captain recently became shift supervisor and I fear this will corrupt him.
The next weekend I played “House of Ashes”, I’m once again running out of games to play, I am not prepared to pay full price.
The last 2 weeks have been pretty standard, I’ve been doing a bit more work at work instead of just watching Netflix because the person who does my job during the day is on holiday. I haven’t had any great interactions with co-workers or any one else for that matter, that I can recall anyway. Changes at work are that two new people have been hired, they work 4 on 4 off shifts, so work opposite each other. I am a little miffed about this, they don’t seem to have experience in this sort of role and it’s the type of job I wanted to have a shot at, I don’t see why some people get these opportunities and others don’t. I will compliment the company though for continuing for the diversity drive, one of the new guys is black, so on some days, 3/7 staff in the office in non-white, other days it’s just me, not that I care too much about that sort of thing, I’m just trying to see the inner workings, behind the curtain.
The most notable interaction I had involved me using the key for a drawer I was given by the candy man, he trusts me to keep it locked and keep my string stored in there, however, another co-worker who sits at that desk on the opposite shift asked for the key, I gave it to him but then asked for it back, explaining later that I didn’t want him to be mad at me for giving away access to his drawer without his consent.
Driving lessons are going well, I think I’m a much better driver now, I struggle to make decisions when driving at high speeds because it takes time to absorb information from signs and road markings, particularly, it’s the “big roundabouts” that I struggle with. I have a new test booked for April.
Not much going on in the video game front, I think my controller has stick drift, I’m waiting a bit to buy “Final Fantasy Crisis Core” and “God of War Ragnarok”, I’m also keeping an eye on “House of Ashes”, I enjoy point and click adventures.
Xmas dinner was delicious, chicken, roast potatoes, stuffing, bread crumb sauce, cake, everything was perfect, it was only me, my mother and London sister though, everyone else has their own families.
It’s been 3 weeks since my last entry and my mind is blank, I think I’m living day to day. What sticks out, which interactions are memorable enough? Well, a co-worker, the guy who gives me rides home, said he was watching Addam’s family spin-off show “Wednesday” and said I reminded him of someone from the show while he was watching it, I crossed my fingers for a good one but it turned out to be the Paki.
Another co-worker, the ex-army guy who gives me sweets, asked if I had any plans for the weekend, I said I didn’t, he then said that was par for the course for me, in an attempt to regain face, I said the previous weekend I tried “speed”, we then tried figuring out what drug that actually was, I claimed it was meth, my co-worker then proceeded to tell everyone he entered the office, one co-worker then confirmed that what I actually look was “Wiz” and it wasn’t meth, I felt silly.
My spending has gotten a bit out of hand, still spending less than I earn but my monthly spend is usually under £500, this month, it was around £1000, I bought frivolous things like Magic the Gathering and Pokemon cards. Many a video game too but I can sell all those on for around the same price I bought them for, I’ve already moved Sonic Frontiers on for a small profit. I’ve quickly made my way through all the big releases of the period, “Plague Tale: Requiem” a 7.5/10, I recommend, I do not recommend however Gotham Knights and Sonic Frontiers is just OK, no more heroes 3 is also just OK but only because I have fond memories of the previous entries.
On the house buying front, I have viewed a couple more, one offer was rejected, the other was accepted but I went too high, only £2,000 under the asking price, they are sure to accept less since they accepted my previous low offer, a clear lack of interest in this property. It’s not in a good location and there are stairs in the living room, I could also see my breath when I visited but it’s a roof over my head. I am waiting to hear back, I already told them that I am revising my offer to 5k under the asking price.
It’s not all doom and gloom, great joy was brought to my soul watching Morocco progress through the World Cup, a reminder that anything is possible and to believe in yourself.
The earth beneath me appears to have given way and I’ve found myself in a bit of a hole, I’m not spiralling and I am still positive though.
First of all, I didn’t pass my driving test. I didn’t fail, I just didn’t pass. My instructor was nice enough about it and encouraged me to keep taking lessons, which I shall. The test went very badly, I got 2 dangerous faults (thinking I could squeeze though a bus and a parked car, I was also headed straight towards a parked car when looking for somewhere to park up( and 2 serious ones (went in the wrong lane on a big roundabout and then cut across lanes to the exit, plus some steering issues), they were all bad, except perhaps the steering. The examiner was nice, I failed within 5 minutes or so of starting, my instructor remarked on us being back sooner than expected but I appreciated the examiner letting me drive for 30 mins or so to get a fuller test experience, I got 6 minor faults but I doubt it was worth counting them. My co-workers were quite supportive.
Secondly, I chose to ask for a further reduction in price on the house I am buying, 13K to be exact, it’s based on the solicitor giving me a list of things that require indemnity insurance, I didn’t quite understand it all but my mother has been pestering me about overpaying and it’s seeped into my brain now, I want a discount, house prices are falling, I can get something better, etc. I was rebuffed, I said I was pulling out, I am now awaiting the solicitors fees, I expect that to be around a grand. I am looking at houses again, prices do seem to have gone down a bit, not sure if I should pounce now or wait even longer.
I can only attribute this to my mother putting “nuzzur” on me, it’s a form of Pakistani black magic that brings people misfortune, she wants me to stay at home to pay the bills as she is unemployed and to take care of her as her disability worsens. It seems like her and my father are separating again, I saw them fighting earlier in the week, my mother seems like the villain due to her aggression and unwillingness to compromise or forgive, this is despite my fathers multiple failings, all he seems to want is for my mother to cook for him when he gets back from work. My dad agreed to move out, he has my brother looking at house or flat auctions for him.
I find looking at cars and houses on the street distressing and it can feel overwhelming but I am keeping my feet planted to the ground, I need to keep up with the driving lessons and keep checking house listings.
Human Garbage 