Bye for now

Updated yesterdays entry with more details of my arrest and bail, I’ll post my bail letter on Monday and that will likely be my final post until my intermediate diet in January, the trial in February or at the earliest, my mental health appointment on the 8th December. For my own wellbeing and for the sake of those around me, I should probably stay offline for a while.

I’ll expand this post later but cliffnotes for now.

I stayed the night at a hotel. Called my family to tell them I’m OK.

They (mum, dad, sister) checked the number and drove all night to reach the hotel by morning and surprise me and stage an intervention.

Stopped me from remanding myself, sister understood my feelings but mum cried until I agreed to change my mind, don’t know why I changed my mind, the actual words my mum said showed she still didn’t understand me but I didn’t like seeing her cry.

We just drove back home. When alone, I spoke with my sister about depression, anxiety and pissing myself at the amusement park.

We were involved in a car crash, one car bumped into another and that car into ours. Mummy went in an ambulance and cried again.

Everyone is being super nice to me now, maybe it’s because they know how terrible the police can be or perhaps it’s just because they know I feel like killing myself.

I went back to work. I cried when I didn’t understand what to do (shortly after the lunch break) and quit. Manager tried speaking to me but I was still too upset to speak properly, I didn’t want to anyway.

That autistic bastard from work who I befriended on day 1 has now made 3 other autistic, freakish looking pals, another little Judas, I wonder why I even bother.

Arrested again

I was awoken around 11am when I needed to take a piss, went to the bathroom in my underwear, after I was done, I heard the police arriving, I signalled that I was upstairs while they stormed the rest of the house. A (Scottish) detective dressed in a bulletproof vest watched me put on my clothes, it wasn’t embarrassing, I didn’t care. I told him I was on DNP and another (local) police officer soon arrived, he wanted details of the DNP and my other meds, no prescription so they didn’t care.

Went downstairs, mum, dad and oldest sister were there two alongside 2 local detectives who guarded us, just waited 1-2 hours while 2 Scottish detectives and 2 regular local officers searched the house and seized stuff. Mum was doing the expected, being confused and repeating “dindu nuffin” etc, she was clearly panicked, even did the cliche thing of trying to clean up a little. Dad was pissed, I humiliated him a few times, reminding him he couldn’t speak English and it was useless for him to try to talk. A police officer was in conversation and my dad answered as if he was speaking to him. The worst thing he did was rant often about how I’ve wasted several years of my life. Sister was nice, supportive, even attacked my father a few times.

Scottish detective in a white bulletproof was nice, I know it’s all an act though, just like the others, he didn’t need to expose himself though. The police seized about 15 items in the house, multiple laptops, computers, ipad, Mac etc. Felt pretty bad about this, my brother in particular since it affects him during his final uni year. I got to see my bedroom before leaving, they left it a right mess, they were certainly thorough, they saw my pills but I can’t remember if they were left in plain sight for my family to find.

I drove with the 2 Scottish detectives for 7-8 hours, handcuffed, there was no talking, we got a meal and I used the toilet once, took a half an hour plus detour so I decided to stay off the water after that. Detectives would give me privacy when using the toilet (and later when changing), this might have been because of my gender identity, I’m sure the norm is for them to watch. At the end of the ride, detective decided to cash in on his good boy points and fish for some info, he got it, since I’m thick as fuck and always fall for the same tricks, they ask something easy, I answer, they ask something hard next and I evade, this is an answer in itself.

Sat in the consultation room for a long time waiting for the legal aid/duty solicitor to contact me, after a while I took my top off to show off my cutting scars, hopefully get some attention but it failed, I should know by now that the pigs don’t care.

At the police station I admitted that I self -harmed so they put me in the retard gear, blue quilted t-shirt and lime green shorts, tried to cut myself with paper, didn’t manage much damage but I drew a small amount of blood. The cell was the same, nothing but a toilet, water at the push of a button and a crash mat to sleep on, nothing at all to hurt myself with unless I was into blunt force.

The lone detective who interviewed me was a female from a last time, it was all a set up, I got done for an impostors post, I tried to explain how 4chan works etc but she saw that as a confession somehow. There was some confusion where she said “Police say Monica” and I heard it as “pls say Monica” and I jumped on that as proof of it being fake but she took that as me having fallen into her trap and admitting it was my post. It’s a post from 11th June 2016, not sure what board. We argued a bit after that, I threw a hissy fit, she called me a child, my official response to her stating my charges was asking why she still had acne at her age. This post at the time fell under “Stalking” aka section 39, at the bail hearing it was downgraded to just another “Communications act” violation.

Other charges are violations of “Communications act”, that’s me emailing people that I’d an hero and breaching my bail (supposedly ended November, not September)

Anyway, bail went fine, prosecutor fucked up, my defence is ace.

My charges are

• Communications act – That impostors post
• Communications act – Sending emails to Polish girl #1. Polish girl #2 and the woman who refused my university expulsion appeal an email suggesting I’d an hero in a sarcastic tone
• Communications act – Asking Polish girl #1 to support my appeal
• Breach of bail (Accessing the internet)

Communications act is basically any message that causes annoyance or is seen as a nuisance.

My solicitor thinks we can easily have half of the charges dismissed. He’s good.

The police are still investigating some “hacking” shit, that’s why they took the laptop etc, these charges are all just a smokescreen to justify that.

I wanted to have myself remanded after the bail hearing, felt I was in crisis but I couldn’t find the station.

So this is what it feel like to be a normie, huh?

I’m doing the night shift (10pm-6am) at a temporary Royal Mail sorting centre set up for Xmas, it’s a temp job so only lasts 4 weeks. You’re welcome for the information detectives, I’m not going to post anything to fuck myself over, I’ll state facts, plain and simple but I’m not going  to go into overly weird observations. I took some more DNP since I ate particularly poorly.

My place of work is located a fair distance from my home, I get a nice little walk in, help burn some calories, get some fresh air an maybe even enjoy a little drizzle. I arrive on time, my name wasn’t on “the list” so I had to write it down but mercifully I found my ID card quickly, stood in a queue and waited a bit before being directed further indoors to an area with tables an chairs set up (the dining/break area). I felt like I’ve been in this situation before and knew that “friends” are made early, so I took a look around for someone around my power level, didn’t take long, found an 18-25, sitting alone, certain physical characteristics such as glasses, easy. He initiated conversation though, perhaps he was thinking the same thing about me?

The workplace was diverse, people of various ages, races and gender.

Did a H&S induction thing, took a tour around the site and a description of duties, for the most part I couldn’t see or hear anything. The first task of the day was moving some unloaded stacks of mail to other locations within the site, it was nice, got to be out in the cool outside air for a while, smiles and a bit of smalltalk was exchanged. This lasted about an hour or two, while speaking to my new friend again, we were summoned to another task, assembling some cardboard sleeves for post to be sorted into, it was apparently the easiest task available, during this period I once again met the guy who initiated conversation with me 3 weeks ago during the registration/interview event for this job, he was just as nice and friendly as before.

I several times acted in ways that made me self conscious, to alleviate the negative feelings, I would talk to myself, as if to explain to others watching and listening why I acted the way I did.

Had lunch, sat with the guy, I had 1 tuna sandwich, a yogurt and a banana.

I didn’t need permission to use the bathroom or grab water, so I did that all day.

The main meat of the job was sorting post, take a bag, take a package from the bag and toss it into another bag with the relevant postal code. It was painful due to having to stand up so much without moving. It’s a lonely boring task, autist friendly, I suppose.

I chatted with my pal some more on my way out, he likes Pokemon an turns out he has an interesting disability(?), he can’t visualise stuff. Might like anime in general. He lives in another town so this isn’t going to last, no point getting to chummy.

Mummy made my favourite meal today, a reward, I suppose.

Busy, busy, busy

I woke up early today, before 8am, hit the dentists in the cold rainy whether, no shower because I would be going back to sleep afterwards. As it transpired though, I shouldn’t have woken up at all, my dentist called in sick so my appointment was rescheduled to a date over a week from now.

Got a good 4 hours of sleep, or at least rest, before having to get up again to get myself down to the JobCentre and sign on, the rain had become heavier. Felt smug waking in knowing I’d “done good” by attaining a job and wouldn’t need to return here for some time, my work coach was even nicer than usual. I consider myself a local success story, my triumph is particularly notable due to my race, there are certainly far more pakis here than other races.

Looking at myself in the mirror, my body is certainly in the area where I want it to be, just a shame about my face.

Driving lesson was bad, forgot the reference points for the manoeuvres, I just felt out of it, instructor aggressively grabbed my wheel a few times. Asked him to send me info regarding the manoeuvres since every website says something different to what he says.

I had a nice call with a friendly man when calling to cancel my jobseekers allowance claim, got the cash I was owed too. I felt he was proud of me for having found work and let down a little when I revealed that it would only be for 4 weeks.

The ombudsman called me twice, missed both calls due to driving at the time, I called back and they had good news for me, they would be investigating my complaint though it would take 10 weeks before I heard something back however the reason for the call was more than that, she wanted to check I wasn’t going to kill myself, when filling out the complaint form, I had suggested, strongly, that I might, I was able to write it off as sarcasm again but really that’s not what it is, it’s a manifestation of frustration and uncertainty. The woman wanted to give me some hotlines to call if I needed help. I am concerned that the only reason my complaint is being considered is because of the suicide threat.

I ate nothing but cereal today, must be related to DNP cravings or an effect arising from sleeping and waking up so often. Still taking DNP, I don’t want to reset the progress I’ve made, only 250mg.

I’ll post about my first day at work tomorrow since I’m on the night shift.

Bad day but I’m not down

Nintendo banned my 3DS because I played the leaked version of Pokemon Moon (and went online with it), wouldn’t have been a complete disaster but trying to resolve the issue I accidentally formatted my SD card, deleting my Pokemon Moon and Dragon Quest progress, games from the Freeshop are gone too. Going to be really mad if this ban only lasts 15 days as some claim.

The night on 500mg DNP was hellish again, couldn’t get to sleep, heavy sweating, pissing regularly due to desperately trying to keep myself hydrated. During the night I also half shut my heavy bedroom door on my finger nail, part of it is now discoloured, I have also somehow severely sprained my wrist. Both the DNP and wrist injury will making working difficult, can’t say I’m upset about having an exit route though. Diet isn’t going well, I feel sick most of the day so my appetite is kill but because of the sick feeling, I feel as if eating will make me feel better

I got my mum riled up today, she told me she left her handbag in her car and was worried it’d be stolen so she asked me to retrieve it, I told her to wait, she kept pecking at my head before snapping 3 minutes later and calling me a “fucking bastard”, unsurprisingly she is more like my father than she likes to show.

I’m not feeling “depressed” right now because I’m not thinking about my problems, even when I try to think about them, they don’t immediately register. Tomorrow will be a big day going forward, I’ll be starting my new job and accessing a new source of income and world of potential friends/NPCs.

Embrace me, death

4th day on 500mg DNP and I’m not handling it well, I can’t sleep (dark bags under my eyes), sweat heavily and I’m feeling heavily fatigued all the time, I can barely lift myself up to get to the bathroom. It’s cold now, it should be easy. Also I realised it was unintelligent to start a DNP cycle just before starting work, there’s no way I’ll be able to perform like this, I’ll try cutting to 250mg though I can tell it would be wisest to stop completely.

Can’t play Pokemon Moon is more than short bursts.

Still having issues with JSA, they haven’t paid me from signing on 2 weeks ago.

Depression is starting to build due to having shaved today and not being satisfied with the rate of facial hair loss.

My sister made remarks again today about me not leaving the one spot all day, never doing anything and how I will still be here until I die. My mother as usual “defended” me by attacking my sister with hurtful and scarring remarks, I hate my mother more than my sister, their behaviour is what makes it easier for me to commit to my plans.

I officially submitted my complain to the ombudsman.

The entry formerly titled “Early entry to be updated later”

I was awoken today sometime between 8am and 9am by my mother, she said a Policeman was here “for my concern” in a puzzled voice and he said to take my time getting changed I pulled some jeans on and the t-shirt and check shirt I had been wearing yesterday (and the days before that) got descended the stairs pretty quickly, I was excited, my dad was hovering around upstairs as I went down.

It was a lone copper, he looked like President Assad, presumably anglo-saxon though and the bearer of a fuller moustache. He asked if I knew why he was here – classic, trying to get me to admit to something, anything, cut his workload, it’s so obvious and transparent unless it’s your first time and they get you by surprise, I hate to say that I fell for this the first time I encountered it. Told him “no”, he then asked if I’d been sending some messages and then went into detail, said Police Scotland had asked him to check up on me, I’d sent an email about “not wanting a diploma, having no skills and popping pills”, he avoided the term “tranny” that came before pills, I guess he was expecting something different, I look terrible, hadn’t shaved for a few says and my hair is always a state in the morning.

Regarding the email I told him it was sarcastic and I had sent it to my old uni. He didn’t know to whom it had been sent to and he had only received a snippet of the email, I don’t know why he was kept in the dark over these points. I was informed concern was raised over the “popping pills” line. I’d sent the email 5 days ago, if I was seriously taking drugs with the intention of killing myself, I’d be dead by now.

Before leaving he just asked the usual stuff if I was harming myself etc., as if anyone every answers the affirmative. I went back upstairs, the copper escorted himself out, my dad asked who it was, I said nothing and the monkey rand down the stairs and through the hallway like a dog so he could open the door and get a peak at a real man before he left. Dad later came into my room and gave me the usual shit, said I better not be misbehaving again, in paki language and as usual the paki words triggered me, they sound so uncivilized.

At least this confirms my uni does have pull with the police, no way this would be investigated normally. Bit puzzled though, why show concern for my welfare after pushing me to breaking point? Mostly likely the universities original complaint differs from what eventually filtered down to my local police force, they probably wanted me locked up again for something or other.

Feeling kinda sick today, could just be because I woke up early or it could be the DNP. Fatigue is certainly kicking in but none of the other effects with much severity. If I do die soon, it will be from taking too much of this but that won’t be soon, I only just realised that I might not be able to take DNP while working.

Told my dad I was expelled, he took it well. Even asked if completing my studies was what I wanted.

My sister and mother kept at me to the point I divulged most of the contents of the discussion between myself and the police officer, my sister isn’t as dense as my mother, she understood what “for you concern meant”, I told her though it was ridiculous to think I was contemplating suicide, being as moderately intelligent as she is, she didn’t buy it completely, she wondered why anyone would have suspicions in the first place and why a copper would bother to chase up something so minor.

I left the house today to post a form sent to me by my Xmas temp employers. It was snowing/raining, it was nice and since I’m back on the DNP I figured I’d treat myself to an Arizonas burger meal and watch Bojack Horseman.

What do I have to lose (apart from weight)?

Second day on 500mg DNP, the side-effects aren’t strong yet. I was able to stick firmly to my diet, just porridge, pumpkin seeds, Icelandic yogurt and a bit of tuna today. Out of yogurt now so might go out and get some more.

Today was more uneventful than usual, barely even played Pokemon and didn’t watch anything but I was more social than usual, chatting with my internet friends on a one-on-one basis.

Forgot about uni for one day, had to make a note to officially contact the ombudsman soon. I also need to begin my research but I’ll only do preliminary stuff with week and get deep into in after Xmas.

Plotting

Got a few things in the post today, my DNP, it was shipped stealth so came sealed in a generic vitamins bottle, very professional, I was impressed. With 60 caps at my disposal, I should be able to get to 130 at the very least, shame about the rebound which is going to make this journey all the more difficult, hoping to get under 140 by my psych appointment/laser, need to set these goals. Today I took 500mg and I’m going to stick to that dosage for at least a week, maybe make a thread on /fit/ and ask for some stories.

The other two letters (both suspiciously sellotaped shut) were from the NHS and RGU, NHS one was just confirming my appointment, if I miss it, I’ll be blacklisted. The uni letter was just a hard copy of the email they sent. Mum could see RGU stamped on the front and asked about it, told her I was expelled and exactly as I suspected, she had nothing of use to respond with. She didn’t even offer emotional support, all she asked was if I could finish my degree elsewhere, the issues I have with her saying that are, 1)She isn’t actually providing me with any information, she doesn’t know anything about what she’s suggesting and 2)She didn’t ask if I wanted to finish my degree, she just assumed I did.

I should start on the research soon, I wasted most of my bail time by thinking things would be OK, sort of just slumbered for a few months before being poked awake and now I have been jolted. People with less intelligence than I manage this stuff all the time, I can do it, just got to put the time and sufficient effort in and then when it’s done I can rest.

Played a little Hearthstone.

Played some Pokemon Moon, on the final island.

Fix me

I called up the number I was given from the NHS and booked my mental health appointment, 8th December, the day before my next laser appointment, I agreed too eagerly, I’d have been more comfortable some time after if it’s issues of gender we’ll be discussing. However what I have on my mind right now is how I was ravaged by the university and other institutions, this is something I was to talk to someone about right now, so in hindsight I should have booked this appointment near 2 weeks ago when I first got the letter/referral.

The receptionist gave me the choice between a male or female psychiatrist, I said I had no preference, in truth it was just something I didn’t want to think to hard about since I feel it will reflect badly on me if I’m only comfortable around a certain gender. I was given the woman, I’m going to be extremely anxious if she’s young.

Chatted a bit with some an anon about what I want out of therapy, I’m supposed to be honest and it’s OK for me to say what I want is for my life to not be shit and for me to become a functional human being.

I’m taking a shot contacting the Scottish Ombudsman, it’s worth a go.

Caught some more Pokemon.

I watched last weeks SNL, it was genuinely funny, Dave Chappelle hosted. McKinnon as Hillary Clinton singing Hallelujah was nice too. Last Week Tonight wasn’t one of the better episodes. South Park was underwhelming, WWE Raw sucked.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong…

Listening to “Reasons not to be an Idiot” and “Ugly Heart”.