Plotting

Got a few things in the post today, my DNP, it was shipped stealth so came sealed in a generic vitamins bottle, very professional, I was impressed. With 60 caps at my disposal, I should be able to get to 130 at the very least, shame about the rebound which is going to make this journey all the more difficult, hoping to get under 140 by my psych appointment/laser, need to set these goals. Today I took 500mg and I’m going to stick to that dosage for at least a week, maybe make a thread on /fit/ and ask for some stories.

The other two letters (both suspiciously sellotaped shut) were from the NHS and RGU, NHS one was just confirming my appointment, if I miss it, I’ll be blacklisted. The uni letter was just a hard copy of the email they sent. Mum could see RGU stamped on the front and asked about it, told her I was expelled and exactly as I suspected, she had nothing of use to respond with. She didn’t even offer emotional support, all she asked was if I could finish my degree elsewhere, the issues I have with her saying that are, 1)She isn’t actually providing me with any information, she doesn’t know anything about what she’s suggesting and 2)She didn’t ask if I wanted to finish my degree, she just assumed I did.

I should start on the research soon, I wasted most of my bail time by thinking things would be OK, sort of just slumbered for a few months before being poked awake and now I have been jolted. People with less intelligence than I manage this stuff all the time, I can do it, just got to put the time and sufficient effort in and then when it’s done I can rest.

Played a little Hearthstone.

Played some Pokemon Moon, on the final island.

My Jihad (“Jihad” = Arabic for struggle, detective)

My appeal was rejected, here’s what I was sent: https://poleaboo.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/final-expulsion.jpg?w=584

I’ll give credit to them for addressing all of the arguments I made, however they did not actually respond to my points sufficiently, everything was handwaved away with “my opinion trumps yours”. It is what it, I can’t get back into university now, that’s happened and I need to deal with it. I fucked up my life, my employment prospects are non-existent, this is my life now and there’s no possibility of it changing now.

It sucks, it really fucking sucks, I hate this situation, I hate all the people who did this to me and most of all I hate that I’m powerless to do anything about it. My only option seems to be to kill myself, that’ll end the pain, there’s no point in living if I’m not happy or serving a purpose but I’m conflicted, I don’t want to just kill myself, it torments me that a dozen or so people have abused me and they have gotten away with it, the only ones who know of the crimes they’ve committed are themselves and the few thousands of people who have read my blog. At this point all I want are two thing, 1) for my pain to end and 2) either the nation to know my story and/or for justice to be served.

I suppose if I want a shot at 2) my only realistic recourse would be to do something that makes the news, something like a very attention grabbing stunt at the uni, shit like Fathers for Justice used to do  or those nudist feminists, some kind of protest.

Might take up the NHS on that mental health referral.

Thought today was going to be a good day, caught a Mareanie, one of the rarer Pokemon in the new game, it’s a female too so I could breed it without a ditto and do a giveaway.

My dad saw me without my shirt on, we had a conversation, he stared at my chest for a bit, he probably thinks my physical appearance is strange but he can’t make the leap to “tranny pills” so easily.

JSA payment not come through, they didn’t receive the last letter I sent in response to their demands for proof of my savings.

Check

I finally sent in my appeal, it’s watertight, I used perfect logic and played an ace, if they reject it then once again it will confirm that I never had a chance, that for some reason the powers that be want me to disappear but what they don’t understand is that this is my life, I never let anything go and I won’t stop charging down this path until I find a resolution that satisfies me.

Went to the JobCentre, my work coach is brilliant, she is doing everything to make sure I get as much as I can, I’ll be signing on in a fortnight, hours before officially starting work, she’ll also be ensuring that she’s still my work coach when I return to the jobCentre, that was made out to be a big deal. It feels good to get a little extra in the bank, I need it. The sights at the JC are still the same, too many pakis, there was even again someone who wasn’t a native English speaker and not fluent in the language, Somali, I believe.

While combing my hair today, I lost a lot of hair, I realise now this is because my hair is so tangled, I need to figure out how to either stop my hair getting tangled in the first place or how to safely untangle it.

Hearthstone isn’t going overly well, had some success with Secret Hunter though, Midrange Shaman is still clearly the best deck but I’m sick of playing it. Got a huge amount of gold saved up, I’m getting at least 100 per day, so I should open around 80 packs on release of the new expansion.

I watched Last Week Tonight, it disgusted me how pseudo-pyramid schemes were allowed to exist and ruin peoples lives. Out of boredom, I also saw a new Simpsons episode, I wasn’t enough to even call poor, it was just nothing. Never mentioned it before but on Mondays I do watch Linkaras comic book reviews, they’re usually not particularly good but it’s novel to hear someone speak about something niche.

Still 146lbsuniv, it’s official, I rebounded, my diet would be fine if my mother didn’t cook, just cutting that out and I’d be losing weight instead of piling it on. Today she placed a fry up in the kitchen, even texted me when it was ready, too weak to resist. I genuinely like the Icelandic yogurt and find it filling, between that and porridge, I’m half way to a good weight loss plan, the missing ingredient is DNP which I now know is being shipped from “Asia” and my supplier is known for having long shipping times.

I haven’t set up an appointment with the psych. There’s also an appointment with the dentist that is several months overdue, maybe tomorrow.

Golden

While watching ‘The Apprentice’ with my family last night, my mother grew a spine and asked what was going on with my university, I told her that I was expelled and that I’d need to appeal. As expected she didn’t have anything worthwhile to say only asked regarding the process of the appeal. I really need to send the appeal form in soon,it hasn’t been altered in days, just need to bite the bullet and do it, I don’t have anything more to add, I’ve written out a logic argument and if the uni sticks to its guns then it will just confirm what I always knew, that there’s an agenda against me and I was screwed from the off.

I have now obtained golden portraits for all heroes except Priest on Hearthstone. This is my great accomplishment, all that I have to show for my life since being arrested.

I’m eating terribly, it’s a serious issue now, I’m eating small chocolates, cheese and pastries, the cause is likely depression. Back up to 145lbs this morning. I shouldn’t wait for the DNP to arrive, I need to get on a diet now. I intend to buy some sardines and possibly yogurt later.

Watched some more “The U”, I don’t think it’s a good show, it’s just easy to listen to in the background because it doesn’t require any concentration.

I can see the ending and I’m fine with it

I exchanged some emails with university today, they’re playing the same games as always, I claim the target is invisible and they send a reply neither confirming nor denying it, they also come across as quite smug while doing it as if they know that I know and there’s nothing I can seemingly do about it. Emailed some solicitors too but it’s not really practical, there isn’t much time left (appeal has to be in in under 2 weeks) and there’s the issue of me living over 300 miles from the university so a consultation with a local brief would be difficult.

I decided to attend the job interview/registration event held by the company who I already registered with through the recruitment agency. It was held at a gold course, had to take a bus to get there, the bus driver was chipper and very nice, he asked around in order to get change for me. The other people at the interview were not a very colourful bunch, little over half of them were young paki males, two young white males (one of them looked like Dylann Roof), two or three older white males and there was one paki female with a headscarf too.

The people conducting the interviews and organising the event were all very nice, very smiley, I recognised one guy from primary school, I pretended I didn’t though he called me out on it and then I had to act out remembering him, he was nice, so fucking nice and intelligent too, by that I mean he didn’t seem out of place among his white co-workers. He asked questions and I was able to bluff them convincingly. I think I spoke well, it’s easier to communicate when you’re playing a character, if I’m comfortable lying then I can say anything and without fear of judgement too.

Waiting for the second part of the interview I spoke to a couple of others who were looking for employment too. An old white man who I initiated a conversation with, he was nice, we were able to speak near continually until he was called up though I was getting desperate towards the end. I was amazingly comfortable, I used the term “mummy and daddy” to refer to my parents. I later spoke to a young paki male who initiated conversation with me, I was far more comfortable speaking to him, he laughed and I think I did too or at least I was happy for a bit, I was able to recount my McDonalds story, I think I need a new reason for why I was fired after two weeks, the general truth is underwhelming. I have also realised I’ve used “I” far too much in this paragraph.

The man who called me over for the final part of the interview, older white man, he was also nice, got my name right, congratulated himself then I congratulated him, then I proceeded to lie some more. I think I came across as quite a sociable person, a normie, to everyone who I came into contact with today.

I was feeling quite upbeat on the hour long walk home, decided I could do with some exercise so didn’t hop on the bus though it’s also because I hate waiting while doing nothing, but then I remembered my awful situation and that this changes nothing, muttered to myself often during the journey.

I don’t think I wanted the uni thing to work out, I think I want it to fail so I can end the story, it’s as if that’s what’s supposed to happen, that that’s the only way to give my life meaning, otherwise I’ll just be like everyone else and my existence wouldn’t have mattered.

Work doesn’t start for another 3 weeks, this really sucks.

475+ wins with all classes on Hearthstone.

Watched South Park, not really funny but it’s a decent watch.

Going to start 8mg E/Progynova today. It did kinda get to me that the school friend recognised me.

Been having a lot of gay fantasies lately, probably brought about by anxiety related to not passing.

The dreams I have have also changed, no longer are they about transitioning, it’s about being a member of a futuristic version of the Fantastic Four, not really about being a super hero, it’s about having friends, there’s always an arc when I turn evil, attempt to destroy all reality and am redeemed.

Found my year old Sertaline and Propraponol while cleaning out the drawers.

I remembered a “deal” I made with my father before starting my current university course, he was mad that I’d dropped out of my previous university so to calm him I said that I’d kill myself if I dropped out again (not sure what term I used), I made a motion slitting my wrists so that he’d understand, he smiled.

I just want to die

I sent some emails, one to the uni, another to the police, in an attempt to gather information and evidence for my appeal but I didn’t get anywhere. They were being deliberately unhelpful, no reply from anyone at the uni, I know they check their emails multiple times a day. The police won’t offer anything.

Letter from the university came in the post, mum saw it and wanted me to open it, she was excited for some fucking reason. I just ignored her and went back to my room. I don’t know what to say or if I should bother saying anything, maybe come clean about needing to appeal and when that fails I’ll just let the police tell them they found my corpse and then everyone can just make their own assumptions.

Dad asked if I was OK, as always, I don’t reply, just like with mum, their is no point in answering, not like they can help or even understand my emotions and the details of the issues I face.

470+ wins with all classes on Hearthstone, could have them all gold in a week. Going to struggle to find a reason to play until the expansion drops the following month. This is literally the only reason I can think of as to why I should live a little longer.

Clothes I ordered arrived, haven’t opened the packaging due to being upset.

Cleaned out my room a bit, filled up a bin bag, quite a depressing experience, among the things I threw away were old birthday gifts, just small things like notebooks and stationary, things people thought would be helpful in my life. It does hurt that I’ve disappointed others, best thing I can do is probably end it before I cause more pain.

Finasteride seems to have stopped the hairloss but the hairline isn’t recovering, going to buy some Duta.

email I sent to the uni

The letter says I should ask for guidance with my appeal, so can you tell me what sort of evidence I need? From the start there has been nothing for me to argue against, you just keep shutting me down by saying my points are not relevant.

The penalty IS disproportional but other than logic and common sense what evidence could prove this?

The criteria used to determine a proportionate penalty, as contained in paragraph 10.1 of the Student Misconduct Procedure, were not appropriately applied, but again other than logic and common sense how can this be proved?

What you keep leaning against in your correspondence with me is that my crime was “severe” and that you have a duty of care (implying I’m a threat), these are not facts, these are opinions, logic and common sense, so again how am I supposed to provide evidence to contradict you?

You also seem to have a bias against me and you can end my appeal before it reaches the student appeal committee, so I want to ask you specifically, what you need to see?

email I sent to the detective

I’ve officially been expelled from uni, they keep insisting that my crime was serious. It’s not fair, can’t you offer a word in my defence? I’m not a bad person and I don’t deserve this, they’ve never even really spoken to me, they don’t know who I am, I don’t know why they’re treating me this way but if you speak up for me, that’ll cripple their flimsy “argument” against me.

We’ve barely spoken either and I know you hate me but you at least pretended to be nice, nicer than most people I come across, you said I could speak to you I remember that,  I’m not expecting much from you, not even a reply but I have to do shit like this to say “I tried” so that there aren’t any doubts or regrets when it comes to whatever is next for me (NOT A THREAT, I know how it sounds but you should know by now that I’m a poor writer).

Our of interest, do you feel you did the right thing? Am I such a bad person?

The countdown begins

It came in, I’m officially expelled.

I still have an appeal but from what I’ve read, the principal can just can it before it reaches the student appeals committee. I’ll give it a go but the grounds for appeal are quite limited, I’d struggle even if the process was fair, there is one ace I have though, I’ve been holding it back until the last minute due to the possibility of it backfiring. I haven’t been treated fairly thus far and no reason to believe things will change now.

Here is the bit that applies to me.

There is substantial evidence that:

• (a) was not previously known to the Head of School at the time of the Misconduct Hearing; or
• (b) demonstrates a penalty is disproportionate; or
• (c) the criteria used to determine a proportionate penalty, as contained in paragraph 10.1 of the Student Misconduct Procedure, were not appropriately applied. (in my case this would be claiming the severity & scale of the misconduct was overstated, the stage of the course and my previous misconduct/behaviour.)

Other news today is that I signed up with that recruitment agency and should be working an Xmas temp job by Monday, opted for the night shift, 10pm to 6am. I was in a rush in the morning, didn’t take my E until 2pm, in a sour mood on the trip to the agency, squeezed in front of an old woman on the train when getting off, she tried pushing me, I pushed back, she repeatedly called me ignorant, I said “No one cares” and “And you’re old and you’ll be dead soon”.

Cis women triggered me, also considering the fact that any tall woman could be trans and am comparing myself to them, depressing.

Obviously felt distressed after learning I was expelled so I ate a donner and chips.

Not going into much detail about my day because it should be clear how I feel, I might not update this blog again until the end, might just make some videos and upload them, need the normies to understand why I made all the decisions I have, they prefer to watch/listen to read. Also don’t want to say something that’ll get me v&.

The Kindness of Strangers

Woke up around 10am today, ate porridge. Sometime later in the day I went to the bank to ask for printouts of my bank balance, I needed them to send to the DWP who were asking for an update to my situation. Once I got out, I wanted to stay out, it was raining, I felt comfortable so I took a short walk further into town to CEX, took a very short browse of the video games, no intention to buy anything, then I left and went back home.

I was trying to restrict calories again today but I didn’t know what to replace my usual meals/snacks with so I ended up getting so hungry that I bought a takeaway, donner and chip. Felt disgusting afterwards and during, if I’m honest. Hopefully the damage won’t be excessive since the only other thing I ate today was a banana.

A kind anon on /r9k/ gave me a code for £15 on Battle.net, I bought 10x booster packs for £3.99. It’s the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a long time, so long I can’t remember anything kinder. I tried to express my gratitude but what could I say apart from “Thank you” repeatedly? He told me a little about himself, he’s 27, an ex-NEET and seems to have had a rough time of it until (repeated 3rd year of uni 3 time) he made it recently when someone got him a job, hard to determine though if it’s really hellish or really comfy (he has a 3am 500 mile drive). The only thing to really spend the rest of the cash on is an alternate hero (who I will probably never use), I’ll wait a while, see if a new one is released since I’m not crazy about any of the existing ones, I maybe prefer Alleria to Rexxar. It feels good to know there are such wonderful people in the world but it does not reinstate my faith in humanity, I know the bulk of them are much more like those I encountered during my time while studying (and on bail).

Went to ASDA, a classic night walk, bonus points since it was raining too. I can get used to this, walking definitely makes me feel better but buying something from the supermarket every day will surely strain my wallet. Today I bought I couple of tins of sardines (cheap protein), 8 tubs of Activia yogurt (discount was on) and a couple of other yogurts due to them having their prices cut. I dropped one of the yogurts since I chose not to collect a basket at the entrance, a woman picked it up for me, I thanked her, she responded. Another bit of kindness in this bleak existence. DNP cycle starts tomorrow, cutting the carbs out during that period outside of porridge since I think oats are the good kind of carbs.

The laser place got back to me yesterday, everything is fine, booked in for Saturday. Bica apparently increases photosensitivity though so I’m taking Cypro again but with Bicas long half life, I don’t think that makes a difference.

Big news today that got me excited was that I might be onto a job, it just sorta fell into my lap. I ended up on a lot of job websites mailing lists due to having applied to so many vacancies but I thought I had gotten them all into the spam filter but one slipped through yesterday, it was a recruitment agency and this was the first email I ever received from them, I guess they must have recently been sold my email address. It was for Xmas temp work, starting early November. I called them today, no answer, then I called them again 45 minutes later, got a response this time. They handed me over to some woman with an accent I couldn’t determine, didn’t seem like a nice one. Told me that they had 2 shifts, 2pm-10pm and 10pm-6am, they pay 7.70 for the night shift, 50p more will add up, no doubt..24 quid a week, 200 quid extra by the end of it if I go for the night shift if I work 2 months. That’s all I was really today, also 9.70 for working Saturdays (Mon-Sat shifts, 6 days working = more money). Bit of a problem though, I have to come in and register with them in a location that will take 2 trains to reach. I’m just waiting for a call from a colleague of the woman I spoke to, I’ll get details on the registration process, the call hasn’t come in today though, might call them again tomorrow.

I’m already fantasising about working there, I imagine myself much more chipper than I likely will be.

3 cups of green tea today. I love it, not the taste but having something warm to drink and it takes a while to consume, it’s comfy and takes me away from the hunger for a while.

Watched WWE Raw, Goldberg returned, it was underwhelming, thought he looked old and hence silly.

Gave myself a Sonic profile pic on my blog (I struggle to think of things that I like, it was either the autism mascot or the Man City logo), customising personal spaces is fun and there’s another element to it that I can’t quite describe, it makes me feel as if this is really mine and makes it feel like a real home. I decorated my bedroom with flags and a poster a short while ago too and today I also forged closer ties with my laptop by registering my email accounts with Windows 10 and setting up a calendar (After I put up the real stuff like laser, signing on and the DWP home visit, I added trivial stuff like UFC and WWE PPVs).

Sent an email to the women who conducted my misconduct hearing, it was just me laying down my logical arguments within the framework they had set up (again). I am certain they have decided to expel me so it can’t hurt to get a little extra defence in before it’s formalised.

I Tried…

I got up nice and early today, probably should have asked for an appointment with my GP later than 9:50am, not too tried but I left my window to shower, shave, eat etc. too tight. Fortunately though I was able to do everything I needed to do in order to feel comfortable. Walking to the GP surgery I wasn’t too anxious about the appointment because I was trying not to think about it. Sweated a little bit.

Arrived at the place with around 10 minutes to spare, I then strolled up to the reception, waiting to be acknowledged and stated that I had an appointment, the time and with which doctor when prompted. After that interaction I asked where the bathroom was located, then I proceeding to relieve myself and fix my hair. When I felt calm enough, I exited the lavatory and entered the waiting area, my doctor was based on the second floor, I wasn’t sure where to wait so I began ascending the stairs to see if there was a waiting area up there too, I climbed half way and didn’t notice anything when suddenly the door to one of the room swung open, it was my doctor, a fairly young, decent looking man and possibly gay. The moment I recognised him, I turned back around but before I can move a step down he called my name. I tried to explain what I was doing, he cut me off though, smiled and said it was OK. As I reached the summit, I noticed that there were in fact chairs up here.

He told me to take a seat and I did. Next I waited for him to ask me what I was here for, there was a pause because I really did not want to speak, this was difficult for me, perhaps if he had some context but I was going into this cold. I eventually started speaking with a voice that sounds like I was about to break into tears at any second, I didn’t have the nerve to open up by talking about my gender issues so instead I went with how I would wet myself while working because I couldn’t ask to use the bathroom over the radio. I couldn’t look at him, I was staring at his desk or the floor throughout, I was sitting bended over with my arm between my legs. Built some momentum and shot straight into telling him I was self-medicating transgender drugs next, he asked what I was taking, I said “Cyproterone”, that was the first one that came to mind even though I recently stopped and replaced it with Bica, he then followed up with “Why are you taking these meds”, now this was my fuck up, instead of engaging the question and speaking about my gender dysphoria, I instead continued to list off meds I was taking, he wasn’t taking notes and he didn’t know the drugs so it was pointless.

He then asked how I wanted him to help me, I responded “I’d like a referral to a Gender Identity Clinic but I guess considering my other problems a general psychiatrist might be more appropriate”. Lost my nerve again, couldn’t ask for the GIC, had to keep focus muddled to avoid really tackling the issue. Fortunately however, he did at least pick up on the mention of a GIC, he asked where the closest one was, I told him (over 30 miles away), he replied with “Gosh, you’d think there’d be a closer one” (Not knowing where the closest GIC was confirmed that he had never had a trans patient before). He then said he wasn’t able to get any notes regarding me from my previous GP, I told him that I only even went there a couple of times for beta blockers. His next questions where about my current employment status and living conditions, he asked if I was a student, I said kinda, told him about the suspension and the blog, highly condensed, when I said that my writings had caused fear and alarm, his follow up question was if it was the university or other students who were alarmed, odd question, not sure what he got out of it.

He went back to the tranny drugs and asked where I got them, told him the website but ‘internet’ was all he needed to hear, looked up and the man was smiling, he looked concerned and oh so serious the last I tried that. As expected, he followed up his smug look by telling me that stuff I get off the internet isn’t always legit, I tell him it’s a popular site and he thinks he won when he says that popularity doesn’t mean anything. It was I however who won this exchange when I stated that I knew they were legit because of the effects they were having on my body, asked to expand, I told him of my softer skin, reduced desire to masturbate, less ejaculate when I do, bit of breast growth, slower hair growth and thinning of hair. I almost smiled when listing them off.

His final question was about self-harm, I told him that it was something that I no longer did and the last time was April. iirc there was something about depression, in response to his question I said that I have been more upbeat these last couple of months (since starting HRT as established earlier in the dialogue) but not happy.

He closes by saying that psychiatrists around here are shit, a general psych won’t do anything for me, he’s going to see what he can do, try and get a specialist, hopefully that at least means someone who specialises in gender issues. Worryingly he said it should take 30 days which is too short a period for anything meaningful. He also said the usual about me coming in again if I, well, I can’t remember what exactly he said but he used the term “not happy” that I had used earlier, good to know he was listening.

Despite my paragraphs the discussion lasted around 5 minutes, I his office a minute before the time my appointment was actually set for. I think I might have smiled a few times during talking due to the euphoria of releasing all of this onto someone physical.

The biggest fuck up though, something I only saw in hindsight was that I didn’t actually say that I had gender dysphoria or anything to that effect, all I said on the topic was that I was taking trans drugs. Nothing about feelings or reasons.

The other event today was that I received an email from my university, just asking me to confirm the notes taken from my misconduct hearing were accurate and notifying me that the decision will come in within 10 days. Based on the language used, I don’t think it’s going to be good, they’re still deserving the allegations against me as “severe”, they also stressed their duty of care to other pupils. Another tip off was the I received an email from student records asking me to register for graduation (I have earned a Diploma), it provided valid login details for the registration page however according to the schools IT department my accounts were still suspended.

I thought I was ready for this but my heart was beating painfully quickly when the emails came through, I am going to shatter once this is final.

Bought some Green Tea, an extra kick can’t hurt.

Not hit rank 5 on Hearthstone yet but close to golden portraits for all.

Watched John Oliver, I laughed or at least smirked again.

Misconduct Hearing

Fuck it, it’s all over, I knew from the start they all had an agenda against me and I’ve seen it in action once again. Just like everyone else I’ve encountered, the university has not given me a true chance to speak.

Skimming over the observations before the hearing, I don’t care anymore. Woke up at 5am, showered but didn’t shave, moisturise or wear deodorant. Dad drove me to the train station. Got an Eastern European to move out of the seat I have reserved. Cis female school girls at one of the train stations triggered my dysphoria. Played Dragon Quest through most of the train journey. Once I arrived in Aberdeen, my /britfeel/ “friend” was nowhere to be found, I made my way to the hotel I booked for the night and once again my dysphoria was triggered by cis female students, this time my age. Hotel receptionist was qt Lithuanian, not triggered, she was nice, smiled often. Bought some razors, shaving cream, deodorant and a comb from Pound Shop or something like that. Groomed myself though my hair still looks terrible.

I arrived at the university in a timely fashion about 20 minutes early so I took a long walk around to where I needed to be. Had to wait for another 10 minutes once I arrived. A friendly woman appeared, she had an admin role at the uni and would be taking the minutes of the hearing. The two women actually on the panel that would judge me were my former course co-ordinator, she looked glum throughout and did not speak a word and the new head of the business school who lead the inquisition.

The first only two questions asked was if I knew what the purpose of the misconduct hearing was, I staggered but got it on my own, to decide if I can return to the uni. Next it was stated that I had been convicted of “stalking” and asked if I had any mitigating circumstances to claim or anything else for them to take into consideration.

I tried explaining what I did wasn’t stalking but they wouldn’t hearing it, the fact that I was convicted under that legislation was all they wanted to know. It didn’t matter that the actual subsection of the law that I was screwed under was some anti-freedom, catch-all law that anyone could be arrested for having done anything (I said this).

When I objected further to their claim that I “stalked other students”, I tried in vein again to explain what I actually did but again, they didn’t care, it was also confirmed at this point that the head of the school had no idea what I had done, she said that all she knew that I had a conviction.

A couple of other points I tired making were that I was only fined £300, that this was therefore a minor crime, like speeding. They seemed to take that one, course leader wrote it down but I think it was just for show. My main argument completely flew over their heads though, they didn’t understand or accept blame for suspending me for 1 year when I hadn’t been charged with anything, nor convicted or charged at the end of the bail period, it was just standard procedure, not even an apology, my logic was that we were both at fault so I already took my punishment.

Voice was raspy throughout the day, not sure why I couldn’t speak normally. Anxiety, I guess.

There was nothing for me to say because that’s the format they arranged, it was rigged. Just a charade, a formality they had to get through. Decision had already been made. Pretty annoyed that I spent £110 for nothing. My body language was awful, I started off leaning on the table with my face rested on my fist but by the end I was leaning back in my chair with arms outspread, defeated.

Felt like kicking stuff as I left. Ate a whole Toblerone when I got back, I’m disgusting.

Tried calling detective, he said I could call him way back when, it was just a ruse to get me to incriminate myself but I needed someone real to talk to, wanted to ask him specifically if I was a bad person and to explain it to me because I don’t understand and if I’m not a bad person then I don’t deserve this and that makes everyone else bad. Kinda wanted to have him arrest me or something, I don’t want to be here anymore, it’s fair to say I failed at life and now it’s all about picking my exit route.

And to make this day even worse, noticed a HUGE patch of hypopigmentation on my upper lip, could just be because I shaved today.

Still no reply from the laser clinic.

Hotel room is comfy, might get a McDonalds to further eat away at my sorrows while multiplying them tomorrow, I know I’m pathetic going to Maccies, handing money over like a cuck to the guy who fired me.

Ignored most of my mums texts, answered her eventually.