This now passses as an eventful day

Dad called again, pushing for me to come home ASAP, was pretty clear why this time, he has a meeting with his barrister friends brother who is a solicitor other legal professional on Wednesday, he probably wants me there. He was still trying to get me to be able to sit my exams, told him it was too late for that, couldn’t be bothered to explain that the university was a private institution and could do whatever they wanted, though I may be wrong as he has apparently been advised by his friend, who might I add he isn’t paying, so I don’t feel too bad about him wasting his time with this shit, just agitated that he is also wasting my time by calling me. I gave up on getting back into university, at least until the disciplinary hearing, I gave up on my anger on being mistreated, I hate that my father is dragging it all back up again, I was at peace. Though if we really do have a case, I would love to be able to stick it to the university, I do hate that I have lost a year of my life and they will likely charge me another years tuition fees, my anger is really just postponed if anything.

Started masturbating before sleeping again, hurt my wrist, videos don’t load very well on this tablet.

Ate cookies with warm milk for dinner and a jacket potato for lunch, need to buy bread. Was raining today, I should have gone out. Felt very cosy inside though.

Someone hit our number on the intercom, male roommate got it as usual, worried as I thought it might be the police but it turned out it was a pizza delivery guy, I overheard the conversation, he hasn’t ordered it and said he would check if anyone else here had. He knocked on my door and the sound made me panic like always, not sure what it is, maybe I associate the sound with negative emotions or maybe it’s the sharp sudden noise punctuating the usual silence. I answered without opening the door or letting him ask the question “It wasn’t me !” I bellowed, very proud of myself, very natural and avoiding a tough situation.

Watched some JoJo and the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight, I’m a boxing fan so I wasn’t particularly excited for it, result and the way the fight would go was obvious.

I like to be able wake up early so I can shower beforenthe police potentially show up, mornings are always quite tense for me these days, very uncomfortable living in constant anticipation.

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Leave me alone

Sent off a few job applications, McDonald’s, admin assistant, accounts assistant and kitchen porter. Couldn’t apply to Aldi as I was having issues with my tablet. I don’t find these jobs demeaning, for a long time now all I have dreamed of is something simple that allows me to survive in comfort, by comfort I mean having an internet connection and warmth, that’s all I want. I feel frustrated when I don’t get these jobs, they are presented as jobs at the bottom of the barrel, jobs anyone could get, I don’t understand why I’m being passed over. I am trying, I’m doing my part to be a functional member of society but when I get nothing back I feel betrayed, demotivated, I just want to check out.

My current situation is where I wouldn’t have been after I graduated anyway, NEET, posting on 4chan and masturbating. The difference is that I would have been part of of a more sympathetic statistic, I really hope I can get a job in the next month, if I can’t then I don’t really see my life getting much better,will need to make a drastic change fast before I get stuck in a rut.

Not going to bother with the army, they won’t have me, there is a selection process, I wish just being willing to work was good enough to get a job. No progress on the voter registration, haven’t heard from them in a while, not that it matters, my vote would have been meaningless.

Dad called again, still thinks I can get back into university in time for my exams, what an idiot, never mind the fucked up priorities, there is the matter of me having missed a month of classes so I would be unable to pass well anyway. Told me to speak to the university as if I hadn’t already tried that, told him I was banned from campus again, eventually texted him a couple of relevant email addresses and the exact charge against me “stalking act, section 39”, hope that shuts him up for a while. I had accepted whatbhadb happened and what was going to happen but involving my parent has just made me angry, depressed and confused again.

Father

I ended up calling mmy father last night too. He struggled to understand me and focused more the fact that I got suspended from university than the fact I may soon have a criminal record. Said he had a friend who was a barrister, I told him I wasn’t interested by I could tell he had spoken to him. My dad called back 4 or it may have been 5 times, he didn’t ask about my wellbeing either, he spent most of the time pushing for me to come back home, I don’t know why he would want my lazing about the house until the trial in September, I think it’s some kind of trick, he believes if he can speak to me in person he can get me to say/do whatever he wants, he is powerless over me while I am here. He tried approaching me from several different angles during the calls, that further raised my suspicions of his insincerity.

One thing that I really hated was that after I told my mum I am staying here, she offered to come visit. My dad on the other hand tried to get me to travel to him.

Credit where it is due, he did try to help, he offered me money too, asked if I was okay financially and he would pay for my final academic year if student finance don’t cover it. That’s not the help I am looking for and I place no value in it. I made these calls because I felt obligated to inform them of my situation, all I expected back was some chastisement and enquiring if I was “okay”.

Thought my roommates weren’t around when I was making the calls, I was wrong, I was loud and with these walls being as thin as they are they probably heard me. Feel embarassed, at least chances of them leaving me alone have increased.

Don’t know how reliable it is but I heard that there was no formal announcement at my uni regarding me, just the accusers telling their story to their friends and acquaintances. Been bugging me for a long time what was said about me.

Tried applying to jobs again, can’t apply to some because my tablet has issues. Will go to the job centre and use a computer there tomorrow, hopefully the staff will be as hand off as usual.

My sleeping schedule is all fucked, I go to sleep around 1am and today and I woke up at 1pm. Need to shave, beard has grown too much, will hurt. Little sister called me today, mother probably made her, heard he in the background saying “4 years down the drain”, glad she’s being honest about it with herself at least.

Back to feeling terrible

My mum called around 8, ignored the first call, picked it up the second time, half an hour later. I always intended to tell her before the end of the month, she was expecting to see me graduate in July, had to dash that simple dream quickly or else I would seem deceitful and cowardly, I felt a month was reasonable breathing space.

I answer, she asks why I didn’t pick up the first time, say I must have missed it, asks if I am busy with uni work, that was was very clear cue for me to confess, I told it to her straight, no tarting it up with fancy words. “I have been suspended from university and arrested, the trial is September the university will consider having me back then, this all happened at the start of the month”. Told her I had been charged with making offensive comments online, that they had gotten back to me. It is a fair description of the current charges against me, I also mentioned they took my phone and laptop and so more charges may be incoming.

She was too nice about it, called me brave, said it was shame, I didn’t know it was illegal, I’m a good boy idindunufin, she doesn’t want to admit I’m a failure and a disappointment so she lies to herself and then she lies out loud. I did respond saying it was more than a shame, I only have myself to blame, ignorance ofnbthe law is not an excuse but she wouldn’t have it. She sounded strong but I’m sure her heart is breaking, mine is too, I can handle torture inflicted on my own mind but what hurts is when it’s done to others, when I’m suffering I just hit the ‘off’ switch in my head, I can’t shut out other peoples pain though. Yes, I’m aware I sound like a fedora. My mum is sad and it’s my fault and there seems to be nothing I can do about it, it almost seems as if the best course of action would have been to lie and stage a mock graduation or something. This is the one reason I won’t commit suicide or go on some other kind of rampage ending with my face plastered over the news under the headline of ‘killer’.

She also offered to come by and visit me more than once, I turned her down, told her I was coping just fine, I had “friends”, that I was a little popular in the place I made the remarks so I had people to speak to 24/7. She was easy to talk to, didn’t feel like I was talking to a real person. It’s easy to talk to people like that, they feel like NPCs in a video game and I’m the hero, they exist to service me, I was very relaxed around the detectives who spoke to me, very chatty because it was all about me, I could end a conversation with ” no comment” and they were obligated to keep questioning me but crucially just like my mother they couldn’t show judgement, they could arrest me but they couldn’t look at me in disgust or call me a creep.

Heard about the French Foreign Legion being NEET friendly, got excited, turns out I was wrong to get my hopes up. Will try and get fit and make another run at joining the British Army. Currently can do 17 sit-ups in 1 minute, the aim is 44 in 2 iirc. Hopefully this might make her proud.

Havent told my dad yet, he is only nice when he thinks I am doing well, he flipped out when I dropped out of my first university course at the end of the first year. He wasn’t disappointed, he was angry. I’ve grown up since then and I’m not afraid of him anymore, he will just have to take it on the chin, let me deal with my problems like I always do, his opinions and feeling on the matter are worthless to me. Might call him later today or tomorrow. He works a lot hours, I admire that but I consider him to have only done the bare minimum at best when it comes to what is expected of a father (Providing), I brought it up once, he said I didn’t remember the shit he did when I was a kid. Maybe he is right. I remember some shit, we definitely spent time together.

The problem I have is that my mother’s love is unconditional to the point it blinds her to reason, my fathers love is most certainly conditional and that is not love.

Acceptance

I’m sure an unoriginal individual, the emotions I have been going through the last month are nothing but the “5 stages of grief”, billions have gone through the same cycle. I feel pathetic looking back at how desperate and predictable I was, if I ever needed a final reminderbthan I am not special, this was it.

A little breakdown:

Denial – Many remarked either that I was handling things surprisingly well or that I was delusional, this was because I had not come to terms with the likely consequences of the events that had transpired, I thought the university would realise they made a mistake and have me back, the trial was just a formality and I would get a slap on the wrist. I also spent a lot of time either during this step or bargaining trying to claim I had autism, social anxiety and AvPD and this should excuse me from my alleged crimes. This is false, I am completely mentally healthy, I was just looking for a scapegoat, like a child. These accusations need to be tackled head on and I have to take the complaints on the chin.

Anger – Can’t get into much detail about this one. I wanted to hurt people but I am now over it, my emotions were natural.

Bargaining – This was me at my most pathetic, I believe, I sent multiple emails to my universitys principal in a one way conversation attempting to get him to consider having me back.

Depression – had this between ever stage really, bit of drinking, inability to masturbate, general mental anguish.

Acceptance – this is where I am now, I understand the levity of my situation, I am fucked, there is nothing I can really do about it, I don’t even care enough to have an opinion on the people and events involved anymore, instead I am going to make the most of the time I have left. Playing some vidya appears to be one of the most appealing paths open to me. I would have liked a job but clearly a cretin such as myself is unworthy of the honour of working at Tesco. I don’t have the motivation to leave my roommate to go lift or even for a few pushups during the day.

I bought some Lucozade yesterday along with bread, chocolate spread and peanut butter, had some today, it was tasty but the Lucozade is not doing it for me right now. Last week I was eating battered fish portions with beans, got sick of that quickly.

I really want a way out, an anon bought up the Merchant Navy as a good option for NEETs, I was excited by the idea but he was ill informed.

Got banned from all boards for 3 days for criticising the mods and janitors on /sp/, it came down fast, must be some kind of script, can’t reset the router as roommates are home. Watched some WWE and Boardwalk Empire, my attention span is terrible, it all feels so tedious, can’t help but skip to the finish or take a break after every scene.

There is a possibility that my trial, not my story, makes the news, local or tabloids, depending on how much they try to pin on me. To be honest I would enjoy the attention and that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone as I have wanted people to notice me for a very long time.

I know, I know…

Every entry this month I say that this will be my last until the trial but my mental state shifts drastically and I feel the need to update my previous statements. Currently playing Hearthstone, that’s where all my time is going and it makes me feel like I am am accomplsihing something, the job applications are not materialising into interviews, I don’t know what to do at this point, I’ve tried and failed to salvage my life and make use of the time I have before the trial(s), what more is expected of me? What do I do now? I found a vidya rental site, free trial, I want play GTA V, so I’m making use of that. Female roommate returned from her trip home yesterday, we happened to be in the kitchen at the same time, I asked how her trip back home was, she didn’t answer, I turned around and she was stood staring at me, must not have caught what I said, I repeated myself, she said “okaaaaay” and left. I have been told I mumble/don’t speak clearly before, this is not new, justb upsetting.

I came across some news articles yesterday about people who  were accused nd found guilty of one of the things I am being accused of, looking from the outside in I thought these individuals were pathetic and/or creepy, one even said he was “in love” with his intended victim. Based off my posts you would think I could relate to that but no, looking back at my ramblings I cannot separate the fact from the fiction. I don’t know where the truth stats and at what point things become exaggerated, did I really feel those feel? Or did I just think that I should have felt a certain way based on what I had told myself previously regarding my character? I can’t think of a single word to describe myself, I don’t know why I don’t he things that I do, are they in character or am I playing a character?

I am no longer feeling hostile towards anyone or hard done by, it seems the university treating me the way they are is the standard, their reasoning and communication leaves a little to be desired but it would not change my circumstances, when people are perceived the way I am , other people get scared and report them, this is also normal, it seems based on the articles I read, I always knew the detective was just being nice to me in order to get me to spill my guts but I did buy into for a few minutes here and there but now I can see based on my alleged crimes no one should really have sympathy for me, I didn’t think those people in the articles were “messed up” or “confused”, so I should not be afforded the same courtesy.

I don’t understand why posters on 4chan and comment makers here are sympathetic towards my plight, I appreciate it so very much but it is more than I deserve. Thank you for being my friends.

Feel too restricted in what I can say, this is no longer an adequate medium in which to express myself

Been very hot around here for the last week or so, though the only direct experience I have had with the heat is when I leave the building to go to ASDA. This city supposedly has a beach, been here near 4 years and never checked it out, not far from where I live either, minutes away by foot, don’t really know what I would do when I got there. My diet is the same as always, I thought I would try something new but I didn’t have it in me.

Roommate has been leaving his room to catch me in the kitchen awful frequently as of late, I just say “hi” and he responds in kind, I don’t understand what he wants, he isn’t even trying to talk to get a conversation going. Another theory is that he thinks I want to talk to him, I was quite chatty the night I was released from custody, it was a one off though, he should have gotten that by now. Neither of those theories make sense though, they are the actions of kind people, he did not invite me to his games so he is obviously not a considerate person and he does not wish to spend any more time around me than necessary. I don’t hate him at this point, I think nothing of him at all.

Saw a guy from my uni course yesterday while I was off to post a letter, I don’t really know him, we never spoke except a thanks I got when I moed put of his way, but I recognised him and stared for a while to make sure it was him, he eventually acknowledged me too, he didn’t say anything, just this weird facial movement, it was too much, clearly fake, not sure why he even did it, I didn’t think he was worthy of greeting, we are nothing to each other, why was this the time for him to show me some friendliness? I wonder how aware my classmates are of my situation, was their anouncement? or just a game of Chinese whispers? Maybe that’s why he acknowledged my presence, because for the first time he was actually aware of it.

I feel as if I have been treated unfairly by the university, more than anyone that is whom I harbour a grudge against. A completely non violent, non threatening grudge. Just like how Pepe would impotently scream for the normies to vacate his safe heaven.

Posted the contract with my legal aid solicitor yesterday, hope that gets things moving along.

This has been a terrible update for me, not therapeutic at all. Pretty sure I am going to leave it alone until the trial, now that I have confirmed I get nothing out of this while living under these conditions.