A new arc, tomorrow

I set out today with aims. I failed the first one, waking up at a reasonable time, when I did get up I showered, conditioned my hair and epilated. To prepare for my new job and lifestyle, I went out to ASDA to pick up some porridge, semi skimmed milk and soup. I wore a slightly different outfit this time, green hoodie under my jacket, it’s the same style the model used in one of the pics advertising the jacket.

No PlayStation for me today, I wanted to be productive, it didn’t occur in the traditional sense, I spent time posting on 4chan psyching myself up for tomorrow, I wanted to present as female and after talking to a friend on Discord (newly added), I thought I was ready but then I posted a pic of myself and I received the usual negative barrage of criticism. I say criticism but there isn’t really much substance, it’s just that I don’t even look like a “tranny”, I just look like a guy with longer hair or a guy younger than I am. Pretty hurtful considering there isn’t much I can do naturally about my facial appearance. It is a bit confusing since I have passed IRL multiple times but I can’t just ignore this.

After this I started searching for places that offer facial feminisation surgery, read up on a few and then email one to book a consultation. I’ve also moved money out of my ISA (taking a financial penalty in doing so) in preparation for the massive bill I’ll need to pay. I don’t know how much work I’ll be able to afford to get done but at the very least I want my nose changed. I understand that I won’t necessarily pass after this but I’ll hate myself less and others will too. If it wasn’t clear already, I’ve lost all confidence required to present as female at work tomorrow. Even losing confidence and desire to work or leave the house at all.

I wanted tomorrow to be a new era but it’s not, it’s just gonna be another new arc.

Making my own way

I woke up early again to intercept the post, sitting in the living room was unusual for me and intensely boring. While waiting I watched a few minutes of The Simpsons and Pokemon. When it dawned on me that no one else was home, I retreated back to my bedroom to play “Ni no Kuni”. My family eventually returned home and my father woke up, it was he who bought the post up to me, thankfully he can’t read English and the “Feel Unique” box was underdesigned. There was an interesting expression when he handed me my anime magazine though.

I toyed around with some of my new eye makeup, the eyebrow pencil is really easy to use and makes a huge difference.

Over on /britfeel/, I listened to a song someone posted, it made me feel sad, sounded like the singer was holding back tears during but later in the day I learned the whole thing was just a “publicity stunt”, as others initially guessed. Not happy about being emotionally manipulated, feel silly for falling for something so obvious. Hopefully, this is the last time I have to mention this person here.

Turns out there’s a “secret” meetup happening tomorrow, it involves some of the people who went to the Birmingham meetup, feel even sillier that I thought they were friends (they made it clear that we’re not) and for having a good time. In response, I put together something I’ve been meaning to for weeks, my own meetup. I made a poster and shared it on my usual haunts. Made it clear that this meetup is specifically for making friends. Hopefully fourth time is the charm.

I played more “Ni no Kuni”, it was the activity I spent most of my time on.

At night, I went for my run, the latest yet, after 11pm, still running 2km, I’ve improved on my time, I’m proud of that, even if it is still minutes away from where I want to be. The joy progress was soured though by a herd of pakis who called me a “freshie”, there were three of them, three male paki youths, hanging around in a residential district in the dead of night, how they have the nerve to insult anyone is beyond me.

A small excursion

I got up a little earlier than usual as I wanted to intercept the mail, one of my eye makeup products will come in a package from “Urban Decay” and another from “Feel Unique”, I will be quizzed by whoever sees it. I did have to wait a while but once my mascara was in hand, I got changed (skinny jeans, plaid shirt, hearthstone t-shirt, white trainers) and attempted to leave the house unnoticed. I failed, my father, ready for Friday prayers at the mosque spotted me and shot a funny look. I was out the door quickly, leaving him minimal time to process everything.

My destination was the post office, I missed a delivery yesterday, it was just a copy of “Resident Evil 2”. The seller sent it 2nd class instead of 1st class as advertised on the listing so I left him negative feedback, destroying his 100% record. I won’t be playing it anytime soon though, still on “Ni no Kuni”. Apart from that the only other activity I found myself indulging in was watching more JoJo and online shopping, just some essentials, I want to get to the point where I can replace my entire wardrobe, so that means more jeans, more tops, more underwear. I was able to schedule the delivery for a specific day, so nothing to worry about there.

I posted on 4chan quite a bit too, I didn’t realise how upset Cola was, turns out she may be leaving the website altogether, pretty sad. Still, I’m without friends and without a solid plan to make new ones. The priority though is figuring out if I’m ready to present as female at my new job next week.

All Alone Again

I can’t remember when I woke up, I played a few hours of “Ni no Kuni” and then watched four episode of JoJo (part 5). There’s nothing for me on YouTube, my recommended list just shows videos relating to video games. My eye liner arrived today, still waiting on the fragrances, mascara and eyebrow pencil.

There was a call from my new employer, I wasn’t paying too much attention, think they just said there’d be two weeks of training instead of one as per the email. I was expecting another call too, from a party who interviewed me last month, but it never arrived.

At night though, I became more active, as I have done almost every other night for almost two weeks now. I “ran” 2km this time, averaging a speed of 7.3km/h, it’s improvement, both in terms of speed and distance. Near the end of my run, I encountered my father who was returning home, he asked if I wanted a life back in his car, I had to explain that I was exercising. A concept unheard of in the Pakistani community, especially doing so publically, when I did get back home, my father tried to convince me to purchase a gym membership.

For the rest of the night, I posted on 4chan, today alone I lost all the friends I thought I made at the Birmingham meetup. The trans woman bullied me, I bullied her back, my bullying was worse and now I feel bad though I shouldn’t since she made it clear that we were never friends and I was just a punchline for her. The others were also cruel to me throughout the day but I do suspect one of them might have just been putting on an act to distance themselves from my toxic reputation.

I’ve got plans to make real friends tomorrow.

Saying “goodbye” again

Not too dissimilar to yesterday, I woke up just after noon but this time I took a shower and IPL’d. I watched an episode of JoJo and the finale of Tonegawa but I’m waiting for part 5 of JoJo to conclude before starting to watch episodes regularly. After a couple of hours of failing to entertain myself, I started playing “Ni no Kuni” for the PS3, it was 45 minutes before I turned it off as at least 40 of those minutes were just spent watching cutscenes.

I ate a couple of packets of crisps and then hummus for dinner. That was supposed to be it but then my mother told me that my grandmother was asking after me, she’d made my favourite dish. I prepared myself and headed out, it was about 6pm, I was wearing womens skinny jeans and shirt. While out, I noticed there were no other women on the streets at this time, except older women with headscarves and their children. This town is apparently dangerous afterall but I’d put it down to the culture.

I remained at my grandmothers for just under an hour, my uncle kept me company there as I ate two plates of rice. As I travelled home, a white man asked me for change, I declined and he then referred to me as “sir”. Makes sense as I said earlier, no women are out at this time, paki woman tend to be shorter and it was dark. The fleece I was wearing also made my shoulders appear broader.

At home I attempted to play more “Ni no Kuni” but I received a message from the quirky guy, just a series of question marks and slashes. I replied to the message he sent over 2 weeks ago. His replies were short, indicating a lack of interest in actually forming a real friendship. He asked why I left, I
claimed I no longer worked at the place he did as I didn’t enjoy the work and I didn’t fit in. The second reply was even shorter, I think he knew I was lying and tried to suss me. I think we’re done now, he has no reason to ever contact me again. The final two messages that are not shown below are him asking if I was “assigned customs”, I don’t know what that means, I just replied “no”.

A new arc approaches

The days are still dragging due to me avoiding vidya, it’s been 2 days now. I woke up around noon and posted on 4chan almost exclusively, I did also buy buy some fragrances and eye makeup. Perhaps due to boredom I also bought both “Red Dead Redemption” and the sequel, even though neither of those games particularly appeal to me, I just wanted something to buy. I dropped over £100 today, my credit card bills total close to £1000 (though payments will be split over 2 months).

This would normally be distressing but I received heaps of good news this afternoon, I have a formal job offer, it’s customer service via email and I’ll be starting training next week. The email sent was highly quirky and I need to be sure to bring tonnes of energy in order to make sure I fit in well. There was also another email from another job interview I had about a month ago, it just apologises for not getting back to me sooner and that I’ll be contacted on Thursday. I’m assuming it’s just interview feedback but it’s possible I might be offered the job I interviewed for.

At night I watched The Manchester United vs PSG football game in the background and once that I was over, I went for a run, I need to move for longer so that means running a longer distance, I aimed for 2km but I got a stitch at 1.4km so ended it at 1.5k. I’ll hit my target next time. One of the reasons for my terrible time is that I tried pacing myself by walking more early on so I could run more often, but I couldn’t get enough running in due to the stitch. It’s eerie how the area so completely devoid of any pedestrians at night.

Still out and proud

I woke up a little later than usual today, my father interrupted my sleep, the toilet is leaking and he wants me to buy a new one. Naturally, he told me to fuck off, he then went to my sister in the next room and began abusing her when she too refused. When I did eventually get up, I took my pills, showered and then dressed myself, I’m still wearing womens clothing when going out, today it was a different pair of trainers and jeans coupled with a shirt and light fleece.

My travels took me to the library, post office and Poundland (to buy envelopes), I think there might have been some funny looks this time since I walked a further distance than before. It was between 3-5pm, the pakis were being let of from their zoos, the younger ones from high school and the older ones from sixth form, all of them equally revolting in their behaviour and speech, it never fails to amaze me how underdeveloped these creatures are. However, I was pleasantly surprised at the post office, the paki at the counter showed good customer service and two paki customers dressed in suits spoke well and discussed normal matters in an adult way.

When I got home, I did a quick search for toilets and bought one, it wasn’t among the cheapest, it was lower-midrange £170. My father was shocked by the high price when I informed him.

The rest of the day was spent posting on 4chan and listening to YouTube videos. I didn’t play any video games. Apart from cereal, the only meal I had was a burger meal from a new friend chicken place, “West Virginia Fried Chicken”.

I failed to apply for any jobs or purchase any makeup items but tomorrow is another day and another chance.

Another Game Down

I tried waking up early today so I could pick my clothes out of the washing machine and place them on the radiator to dry. Unfortunately I was too late, not sure if my mother notices some of the clothing was gendered female. Following this discovery I just ate cereal as normal.

My next step was to finish playing “The Last of Us”, I committed almost the entire day to this, I still think it’s a great game but even ignoring that I consider it time well spent as I’ve now completed the game a day ahead of schedule. This now gives me a reason to go outside tomorrow (to sell the games and post them out). There will also be fewer distractions when I start applying to jobs and purchasing clothes/makeup I need. Tomorrow should be very productive.

For lunch and dinner I ate KFC, my mother bought a bucket of 10 chicken pieces and a lot of fries. It was absolutely delicious.

Eye on Next Week

I woke up at 1pm again, in response to this I quickly ate breakfast and threw on clothes lying on the floor. This was because I had to be at the postal delivery office before 2pm to collect my Estrogen shipment. When queuing I was self conscious as I hadn’t showered and the queue was long, a guy was ranting about a lost package. When I finally got to the counter, I paid my £38 customs charge and was on my way back home.

The rest of the day was spent playing “The Last of Us” with breaks between chapters, I should be done in two more days. However, once Monday rolls around I’ll also be applying to jobs again and purchasing eye makeup.

I left my run quite late tonight, it wasn’t until 10pm that I went out, after stretching and warming up. The running app I use stated the GPS signal was weak but I started my run regardless, this proved to be an error though as after checking the app after my initial 90 second jog, I discovered it hadn’t properly recorded the distance covered, it said I had only run 0.06km when it should have been at least 0.25km. There was nothing I could do about this now so I continued with my run and stopping when the app said 0.75km. My stats are pretty much the same as last time. I might push on to 2km next week.

Full-time

I woke up around the same time as yesterday, at the 12:30pm mark. There was only one series of tasks on the itinerary for today, that was going to the library to print a postage label and then send of my package containing “Kingdom Hearts 3” at the post office along with returning “Ozzy Osborne” tickets for a refund due to the shows postponement.

Not sure what set of my new found determination but I decided today was the day that I was going to always leave the house wearing female clothing to reflect my gender. I dressed in the same clothes I wore to the meetup and marched down to the library, I didn’t seem to get any funny looks or second glances on my way there or to the post office.

Back at home I ate spaghetti bolognese and begun playing “The Last of Us”, I’m playing on “Normal” mode and finding it to be far more enjoyable than “Kingdom Hearts 3”, this is objectively a good game. The trophy list is hardly ideal though, none can be unlocked until the game is completed and I need to follow a guide to ensure I get all the collectables.

It’s been 2 weeks now since I was informed I’d passed that interview, I’ll contact them on Monday for an update but it’s quite distressing to know I’ve missed out on 2 weeks of jobs to apply to. It’d also be disappointing if I didn’t actually have the job as I’ve been fantasising about interactions with my future co-workers (being invited to the pub etc).

I bought a new mobile phone, a Xiaomi Mi 8 for £270, the battery life on my existing phone is poor and affects outdoor activities I can partake in as using “Google Maps” quickly drains the energy reserves.